Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To want him to cook for me proactively?

86 replies

Prittle · 17/08/2024 13:33

It’s a bit of a running joke how bad dp is in the kitchen. He has lots of good qualities but I get the vibe his mum did all this growing up and the joke is that he didn’t know to make coffee when he left home…

I would caveat all of this by saying that when has followed recipes and cooked for me, they have been very good, but this is maybe four times in our whole 2 year relationship.

we recently visited a friend of his who is a dab hand in the kitchen and takes a real interest in food. Dp also loves food but this seems to extend to going out for posh meals and being cooked for by me. It’s a huge way I show my love to family and friends and means a lot to me - buying food, cooking it and sharing it.

I have mentioned to him quite a few times how much it would mean if he cooked me a delicious meal from scratch. I do this most nights whereas when he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer.

we have some other issues in our relationship which are giving me doubts (nothing bad, just incompatibilities) and this is starting to build up more and more in my mind. I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

today for example, I made a weekend brunch out of everything we had in the fridge and all the trimmings. If he had to do that there would be constant questions about where stuff was / how to cook it / what neeeded to be done next. Whereas I know tbere are some other people who would just be able to whip something up no questions asked and this is what would be so attractive to me.

am I unkind for wanting this and is it ridiculous?

OP posts:
DadJoke · 17/08/2024 17:38

If you felt hard done by by the division of labour, I think you would have a stronge case. I suspect you do most of the emotional labour.

I think if you frame this as it’s too much for you to cook every meal. You do have the option of making simpler meals sometimes. Another option is batch cooking, and leaving him to do the (minor) work to reheat it, cook sides and serve it.

Finally, I think a request to create one meal a week from scratch is reasonable - with supervision the first time, thereafter you are on the couch with a glass of wine. He needs to plan the meal, buy ingredients and not hassle you about it. He might well enjoy it and enjoy your appreciation of it.

DappledThings · 17/08/2024 17:40

I hate cooking. I hate coming up with ideas and worrying if everyone will like it and how long it takes for such a short amount of time to be enjoyed.

DH likes it. He likes finding new recipes and providing for all of us and the whole process.

If he asked me to come up with a fancy meal for him and cook it I would but I would find it really odd he wanted me to do that to tick a box when for him it's something he actually enjoys doing.

I do all the clearing up instead and all laundry and most of the cleaning in return for hardly ever having to plan a shop or a meal.

It would be like me asking him to clean the bathroom to make me feel cared for. To you and my DH cooking is enjoyable and a way of showing you care. To me and your DH it's just another chore and trying to convince us it's a form of caring is quite a stretch.

LoremIpsumCici · 17/08/2024 17:40

It’s a huge way I show my love to family and friends and means a lot to me - buying food, cooking it and sharing it.

Thats how you show love, but there are so many other ways individuals show love. Your DP must show his love for you in another way…

It is a bit unreasonable to expect a partner to show love the exact same way you do or you will have doubts about them.

If you can’t think of anything he does to show love, ask him what do you do that shows love for me? If he can’t think of anything then you can have doubts.

Noseybookworm · 17/08/2024 17:46

Prittle · 17/08/2024 17:29

@DadJoke im not sure really. He does the majority of the cleaning (I still do a fair bit) and takes the bins out. He does the rest of the admin (bills, rent). He cleans and washes up when I cook. We share laundry. As mentioned, I do 90% of the meal prep, cooking and all the food shopping. I also buy all the household items needed and personal care stuff we both need eg toothpaste, shampoo, detergent.

it doesn’t feel unfair but like someone upthread mentioned cooking up to three meals a day every day is a lot for one person.

It sounds like he is doing his fair share. My DH doesn't cook but he does all the admin/bill paying/finance stuff and honestly, I'm so rubbish at that, I'm hugely grateful that he does it! I enjoy cooking and he doesn't but he's grateful for every single meal I put in front of him and doesn't mind at all if I can't be bothered and just serve up pizza and salad. We're all good at different things so I don't see your partner not cooking as a deal breaker. It does sound like you've got deeper problems though as you sound quite dissatisfied with the relationship!

rainbowbee · 17/08/2024 17:51

I had an ex like this, and it is part of the reason they are an ex. However in that relationship, I may have done all the cooking unless I was ok with oven pizza, but my ex did nearly all the laundry so I felt we balanced out.
It depends on how balanced you feel it is.

usernother · 17/08/2024 17:51

He doesn't like cooking. But he does more cleaning and has loads of other good points? I don't see why you should force him to do something he hates. Give him a break.

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 18:00

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 17:02

Yes I did. Did you even read my comment?

I think there's lots of room for compromise, but of course she can end the relationship for any reason.

I don't think it warrants an LTB response on here.

Show quote history

Yes I did read your comment,

You said… For someone who can't cook, it's a bit much to be expected to whip up a delicious meal from scratch

He is not someone who can’t cook. The OP clearly stated that in her OP.

He can cook. So the OP’s expectations aren’t “a bit much” at all.

pinkdelight · 17/08/2024 18:08

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 18:00

Yes I did read your comment,

You said… For someone who can't cook, it's a bit much to be expected to whip up a delicious meal from scratch

He is not someone who can’t cook. The OP clearly stated that in her OP.

He can cook. So the OP’s expectations aren’t “a bit much” at all.

Show quote history

From the update about how much else he contributes, I do think it's 'a bit much' of OP to ask. He doesn't cook (the way she wants) because he doesn't like to. He's does loads of other stuff. OP having this desire is incompatible with her DP.

grassyknees · 17/08/2024 18:57

Try Hello Fresh or similar for three meals a week, those are his nights and you cook the other three nights from scratch, then one takeaway or meal out.

It will give him confidence to try it out and it will be clear which night is his.

It does take the strain of thinking what we are eating and buying it out of the equation.

Bellamari · 17/08/2024 19:06

Stop cooking for him. Tell him you’re eating out or only want a sandwich. You’re facilitating his laziness. Force him to cook for himself. When he asks what’s for dinner say “I don’t know”, or if you’re feeling brave “Your dinner isn’t my problem”.

Monkfish24 · 17/08/2024 19:09

Do you ever cook together? When I met my DH, he was the same as you. A really good cook, loved good food, an adventurous eater...by comparison, I wasn't arsed, I'd grown up with just my mum and she wasn't a great cook, she could stretch to the odd spag bol but I'd mostly grown up on freezer food and tins of soup. I met DH when I was 22, so I'd only had a few years of cooking for myself and I cooked the same as what I grew up with- freezer food, beans on toast...food wasn't a priority. He got me cooking with him, basically taught me to cook from scratch and gave me the confidence to try new recipes. Now, I'm the same as him, love food, always cook from scratch, love trying new things...so could that be an option for you? Cooking meals together? Then hopefully an extension to that will be him cooking foods you like for you when it is his turn to cook? You're half way there as he already loves food, just doesn't have the love for cooking. We don't do it much anymore because one of us tends to be putting the toddler to bed but cooking together was great fun and it gave me a love of cooking I wouldn't have found otherwise.

cariadlet · 17/08/2024 19:21

YBU

Cooking is your love language so you expect your DH to show his love via cooking lovely meals for you but that's not his love language.

He is loving, affectionate and emotionally supportive to you even though he doesn't seem to need as much emotional support as you do. Surely that's his love language.

It isn't that one of you is in the right and one of you is in the wrong over the cooking. You just have different perspectives.

It seems to me that you have 3 options:

  1. You do most of the cooking because you are better and can knock up fancy meals with whatever ingredients you happen to have.
  1. Split the cooking in half but accept that most of the meals your DH cooks will be very basic.
  1. Split up

PS I would love a DP who did more cleaning than me. That would beat one who cooked.

Skybluepinky · 17/08/2024 19:23

U know it’s not his skill set yet u want to push him into doing it, strange.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 17/08/2024 19:25

....cooking up to three meals a day every day

Who routinely has three cooked meals a day, every day? Or is at home or has the time to cook three meals a day?

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 19:31

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 18:00

Yes I did read your comment,

You said… For someone who can't cook, it's a bit much to be expected to whip up a delicious meal from scratch

He is not someone who can’t cook. The OP clearly stated that in her OP.

He can cook. So the OP’s expectations aren’t “a bit much” at all.

Show quote history

Not sure why my slightly different interpretation makes you so angry.

Almost everyone can cook with a recipe. OP wants amazing meals cooked from scratch and it does sound like high expectations for someone who isn't keen on cooking.

DoreenonTill8 · 17/08/2024 20:13

Bellamari · 17/08/2024 19:06

Stop cooking for him. Tell him you’re eating out or only want a sandwich. You’re facilitating his laziness. Force him to cook for himself. When he asks what’s for dinner say “I don’t know”, or if you’re feeling brave “Your dinner isn’t my problem”.

And if he then returns with, 'fine I'll only clean up after me, take out my own rubbish, manage my own aspects of household admin'?...
Can you imagine the response if a poster came on and said 'I've been at work all day, made spaghetti bolognese for dinner, but dh is saying it's not good or lovely enough because I've not made enough effort.' ?!

coxesorangepippin · 17/08/2024 20:15

Your problem is that you're too good in the kitchen

You're the default chef

Bellamari · 17/08/2024 20:17

DoreenonTill8 · 17/08/2024 20:13

And if he then returns with, 'fine I'll only clean up after me, take out my own rubbish, manage my own aspects of household admin'?...
Can you imagine the response if a poster came on and said 'I've been at work all day, made spaghetti bolognese for dinner, but dh is saying it's not good or lovely enough because I've not made enough effort.' ?!

Show quote history

That’s not the situation though. It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

DoreenonTill8 · 17/08/2024 20:22

Bellamari · 17/08/2024 20:17

That’s not the situation though. It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

Show quote history

I didn't read it as that as op states about recipes being following and meals being made 'from scratch' @Prittle does he ever do ready meals, stick in a lasagne or pizza?

Abouttimeforanamechange · 17/08/2024 20:23

It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

OP said:
"he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer."

TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 21:51

Abouttimeforanamechange · 17/08/2024 20:23

It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

OP said:
"he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer."

Frozen food into the oven isn't really cooking though is it.... not to me at least.

Cooking would be spaghetti bol or stir fry not frozen oven food.

DoreenonTill8 · 17/08/2024 21:58

Abouttimeforanamechange · 17/08/2024 20:23

It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

OP said:
"he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer."

Thanks for that, so he is making meals, just not of ops choosing. Do people think every household out there has the time and mental space to cook from scratch ever night and if they're not it's not proper food?! 😆

GinForBreakfast · 17/08/2024 22:20

YANBU. He's not a keeper and definitely not dad material. Your kids would live off ready meals.

Bellamari · 18/08/2024 02:28

Abouttimeforanamechange · 17/08/2024 20:23

It’s not that he’s cooking but it isn’t good enough. He isn’t cooking at all.

OP said:
"he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer."

That’s not cooking! I certainly wouldn’t eat it, yuck. Feel sorry for kids who are brought up on that rubbish🤮

TammyJones · 18/08/2024 10:10

pinkdelight · 17/08/2024 17:31

I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

Well that's not him and it never will be so if that's who you want, find that person.

I'd never proactively show my love by cooking, it's not my thing. You might as well expect me to show my love by doing a fancy flower arrangement or painting a beautiful watercolour. Sure everyone has to eat, but I'm with him and happy to heat up easy stuff. Cooking has nothing to do with showing love for me or for him clearly. I actively dislike doing it and have better ways to spend my time - and show my love. If this means so much to you, plus other issues, you know what to do and it isn't hang in there expecting him to change into this wonderful love chef.

Edited

THIS
Anyone can cook (mostly)
I don't like it all (unless drinking red wine in a Saturday night. )
But I can produce some fabulous stuff - which dh totally loves.
But my our 'love language' is physical touch - so show our love in, ahem... a physical way.
Yours seems to be 'acts of service ' - cooking.
I couldn't care less weather dh cooks or not. (He's very good actually) but he works twice as many hours as me, so doesn't seem fair.
I think this cooking thing is a red herring - to distract from the real issues....