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Original poster

To want him to cook for me proactively?

86 replies

Prittle · 17/08/2024 13:33

It’s a bit of a running joke how bad dp is in the kitchen. He has lots of good qualities but I get the vibe his mum did all this growing up and the joke is that he didn’t know to make coffee when he left home…

I would caveat all of this by saying that when has followed recipes and cooked for me, they have been very good, but this is maybe four times in our whole 2 year relationship.

we recently visited a friend of his who is a dab hand in the kitchen and takes a real interest in food. Dp also loves food but this seems to extend to going out for posh meals and being cooked for by me. It’s a huge way I show my love to family and friends and means a lot to me - buying food, cooking it and sharing it.

I have mentioned to him quite a few times how much it would mean if he cooked me a delicious meal from scratch. I do this most nights whereas when he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer.

we have some other issues in our relationship which are giving me doubts (nothing bad, just incompatibilities) and this is starting to build up more and more in my mind. I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

today for example, I made a weekend brunch out of everything we had in the fridge and all the trimmings. If he had to do that there would be constant questions about where stuff was / how to cook it / what neeeded to be done next. Whereas I know tbere are some other people who would just be able to whip something up no questions asked and this is what would be so attractive to me.

am I unkind for wanting this and is it ridiculous?

OP posts:
FountainsOfPens · 17/08/2024 14:45

If someone bought me a cooking course because they wanted me to cook for them -it'd get thrown out the bloody window!

Mum2Fergus · 17/08/2024 14:48

How would you feel if he was proactively trying to coerce you into doing something that you weren't that keen on/don't enjoy?

Missamyp · 17/08/2024 14:48

You're just not compatible. trying to frame the situation via a Lundy Bancroft prism is nonsense. He does by the sounds of it have some redeeming qualities. Just not the ones you'd like right now.
I would suggest letting him go so you can both find happiness with someone else.

PointsSouth · 17/08/2024 14:52

@Prittle We have different life priorities as well and although I get the impression he really doesn’t want to break up, I can’t personally see a way back.

—————

In which case, the cooking’s not merely beside the point, it’s actually confusing the issue.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2024 14:55

Mum2Fergus · 17/08/2024 14:48

How would you feel if he was proactively trying to coerce you into doing something that you weren't that keen on/don't enjoy?

Come on, wanting him to cook isn't the same as wanting him to do something like skydiving, listening to opera or doing yoga, is it? He has to eat, not eating is not an option. So he's happy to eat food she has to prepare, and isn't even bothered to return the favour of preparing meals even when he knows this is important to her.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 15:03

I am probably confusing the issue with the fact that we have other issues.

i do find it confusing that he really really REALLY loves good food. Going out for it and being cooked for. Absolutely loves it. So to me a natural extension woukd be to whip a few things up for someone?

im not saying you need to be Gordon Ramsey, just find a delicious four ingredient recipe and follow it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 15:05

(To me this is the compromise!)

I don’t wish to drop feed but our other issues are also about compromise. Namely him liking where we are living and what the relationship is like whereas I would love to live elsewhere (with him!) and have itchy feet. He sees the compromise as me staying.

basicallh all of this is just me trying to change the status quo and our comfortable habits and him pushing back

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 15:06

Prittle · 17/08/2024 15:03

I am probably confusing the issue with the fact that we have other issues.

i do find it confusing that he really really REALLY loves good food. Going out for it and being cooked for. Absolutely loves it. So to me a natural extension woukd be to whip a few things up for someone?

im not saying you need to be Gordon Ramsey, just find a delicious four ingredient recipe and follow it!

Yes, it's like men who really love recieving oral sex but refuse to give it.

How do you think he would react if you made freezer/oven chip meals for a week?

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/08/2024 15:19

@TomatoSandwiches yes! Op , make beige stuff with oven chips for a week and if that doesn't make the point I'd just give up. Don't bother with the cookery course , you can lead a horse to water and all that.

Vabenejulio · 17/08/2024 15:22

You don’t sound compatible. You’re looking for him to be different to the way he is, and he’s looking for things in you that you don’t want to be/have.

Just because someone has good elements, doesn’t mean you’re obliged to stay with them. This is what amicable break-ups are about. You like each other, appreciate each other, respect each other - but you’re just not what the other person is looking for.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 17/08/2024 15:28

Mmm, I think a lot of people who like food don't like cooking it. My BIL is an adventurous eater and loves new and interesting restaurants... he can barely boil an egg.

But basically, it does sound like you're not compatible. he likes things exactly as they are. you want different things.

MSLRT · 17/08/2024 15:34

My husband can just about boil an egg. I love cooking and do the majority. He loves eating but is not at all interested in cooking. But he brings me a cup of tea every morning, does the ironing, washes up, cleans the cars, does the bins etc. So does it really matter? It sounds like you like cooking and from the way you keep blowing your own trumpet obviously think you are good at it. As long as he is good in other ways I think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 16:12

MSLRT · 17/08/2024 15:34

My husband can just about boil an egg. I love cooking and do the majority. He loves eating but is not at all interested in cooking. But he brings me a cup of tea every morning, does the ironing, washes up, cleans the cars, does the bins etc. So does it really matter? It sounds like you like cooking and from the way you keep blowing your own trumpet obviously think you are good at it. As long as he is good in other ways I think you are being unreasonable.

That’s a bit uncalled for. Why is it bad to say it’s something I do a lot and am good at? Why are you acting like I’m boasting or have an unreasonably high opinion of myself?

OP posts:
Fahran · 17/08/2024 16:16

I often wonder how these men survived during the period between leaving home and getting married.

My husband’s mother did all the cooking when he was growing up. He never had to cook a meal. However, he learned through necessity when he left home. He now does 95% of the cooking.

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 17:02

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 14:39

Did you even read the OP?

He can cook. He can follow a recipe and produce a nice meal.

He just won’t.

He thinks cooking 4 meals in 2 years is enough.

Show quote history

Yes I did. Did you even read my comment?

I think there's lots of room for compromise, but of course she can end the relationship for any reason.

I don't think it warrants an LTB response on here.

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 17:05

Prittle · 17/08/2024 15:05

(To me this is the compromise!)

I don’t wish to drop feed but our other issues are also about compromise. Namely him liking where we are living and what the relationship is like whereas I would love to live elsewhere (with him!) and have itchy feet. He sees the compromise as me staying.

basicallh all of this is just me trying to change the status quo and our comfortable habits and him pushing back

So if you can't come to a compromise that makes you both happy, then end it.

Personally don't see the cooking thing as a big deal, but clearly you see it as part of a dynamic you don't want. So instead of trying to change the cooking thing, change the dynamic. Which probably means breaking up.

Tbskejue · 17/08/2024 17:10

I think you’re being unfair and finding something to criticise him for/think negatively of him for. I’m similar to your DH in my cooking skills and if my DH decided that the fact that I don’t cook him delicious dinners was a big deal I’d be annoyed as from the very beginning I’ve been this way and the idea that I need to show my love through something abstract that DH knows I’m not good at and not comfortable with would make me feel he was just point scoring. The key is whether he shows love in different ways that are within his skill set which is what I do.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 17/08/2024 17:13

Imagine 15 years from now with several children and you have been making all the food and buying all the food for all of you three times a day for years. It will become a bigger issue if you don’t sort it / leave.

DadJoke · 17/08/2024 17:25

Is the division of labour in your relationship otherwise fair?

Shinyandnew1 · 17/08/2024 17:28

It’s not the life or relationship I want 😭

Tell him that.

MyNamesGaryAndImAddictedToChips · 17/08/2024 17:28

You just sound basically incompatible. Different approaches to life.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 17:29

@DadJoke im not sure really. He does the majority of the cleaning (I still do a fair bit) and takes the bins out. He does the rest of the admin (bills, rent). He cleans and washes up when I cook. We share laundry. As mentioned, I do 90% of the meal prep, cooking and all the food shopping. I also buy all the household items needed and personal care stuff we both need eg toothpaste, shampoo, detergent.

it doesn’t feel unfair but like someone upthread mentioned cooking up to three meals a day every day is a lot for one person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 17:30

He’ll bring me coffee in the morning and make me a drink when he makes one.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 17/08/2024 17:31

I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

Well that's not him and it never will be so if that's who you want, find that person.

I'd never proactively show my love by cooking, it's not my thing. You might as well expect me to show my love by doing a fancy flower arrangement or painting a beautiful watercolour. Sure everyone has to eat, but I'm with him and happy to heat up easy stuff. Cooking has nothing to do with showing love for me or for him clearly. I actively dislike doing it and have better ways to spend my time - and show my love. If this means so much to you, plus other issues, you know what to do and it isn't hang in there expecting him to change into this wonderful love chef.

Biggaybear · 17/08/2024 17:33

IF that was the only issue in your relationship then I'd day let it go. But it sounds like there are other things annoying you about him. It just sounds like you are incompatible. Living together before getting married has shown you he isn't the one. Leave & find the one that is.