To want him to cook for me proactively?

[Prittle]

It’s a bit of a running joke how bad dp is in the kitchen. He has lots of good qualities but I get the vibe his mum did all this growing up and the joke is that he didn’t know to make coffee when he left home…

I would caveat all of this by saying that when has followed recipes and cooked for me, they have been very good, but this is maybe four times in our whole 2 year relationship.

we recently visited a friend of his who is a dab hand in the kitchen and takes a real interest in food. Dp also loves food but this seems to extend to going out for posh meals and being cooked for by me. It’s a huge way I show my love to family and friends and means a lot to me - buying food, cooking it and sharing it.

I have mentioned to him quite a few times how much it would mean if he cooked me a delicious meal from scratch. I do this most nights whereas when he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer.

we have some other issues in our relationship which are giving me doubts (nothing bad, just incompatibilities) and this is starting to build up more and more in my mind. I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

today for example, I made a weekend brunch out of everything we had in the fridge and all the trimmings. If he had to do that there would be constant questions about where stuff was / how to cook it / what neeeded to be done next. Whereas I know tbere are some other people who would just be able to whip something up no questions asked and this is what would be so attractive to me.

am I unkind for wanting this and is it ridiculous?

My DH is a rubbish cook, he's just not sufficiently interested to bother and his favourite meal is probably sausage, egg and chips. So I do most of the cooking. Sometimes something really nice from scratch but sometimes something really easy, soup and a toastie is popular. However, I never ever wash a pot, he willingly does the jobs that my arthritis make a struggle, he feeds all our pets and cleans out the chickens regularly. It's worked for us for 40 years because are relationship is rock solid, of course there are compromises, thats just life

To be honest I don’t think there’s hope lol.

i had a sauce I had been simmering for a few hours for us to eat last night when we got back from being out. Immediately went to the stove to prepare our dinner while he watched TV, glass of wine in hand. I then asked him to grate some cheese over the dish and he cut himself and said to me “I’m just so bad at cooking”.

Mate. What in this meal have you cooked.

But if he's not very good at cooking and not enthusiastic about learning then why does it have to be this that he has to do for you to show he cares? Can't he do other things?
And why does it have to be a meal from scratch? Couldn't he get something nice from M&S to stick in the oven and a nice bottle of wine?
Some people just don't enjoy cooking.

DH will open the cupboard and say “there’s no food”.
Whereas if he’s gone out & bought food the specific ingredients for one recipe, he’s fine with cooking that.
He works never be able t just whip something up, or do to the supermarket & buy general groceries for the week.
He’ll also use every pot & pan in the house to make his special meal, so yeah, I don’t want that every day, thanks!

I then asked him to grate some cheese over the dish and he cut himself and said to me “I’m just so bad at cooking”.

You’re correct, there is no hope.

If you hadn’t already lost any shred of respect or sexual attraction for this man-child, this surely must be the death knell.

Throw this one back and find yourself a fully functioning adult.

Toss him back. You do not want to see where this is headed if you have children.

It's not like he's saying he doesn't share your love of mountain biking or crochet or modern art: cooking and eating happens every day and is an essential life task. I could almost respect an honest answer here - I want to sit and relax and be served a beautifully prepared meal but I will not return the favour - but the buffoonery about grating cheese and the ridiculous 'see? I just can't do it!' thing would piss me off.

Just because a lot of women accept this behaviour in their relationships does not mean that you should.

Get him involved, ask him to help you , teach him to cook. but if he doesn't enjoy cooking , you can't force him to enjoy it. YABU to think that love is showed by cooking meals for you.

Nobody needs to be cooking 3 times a day either.

Talk to him again and try to agree what you are going to do ongoing, but if you think that he can only show his love by cooking for you, then he would be better off with somebody else.

If the division of labour overall isn't fair, then he needs to step up. So you cook, but he lays the table and then clears away and washes up etc.

If you really want to end the relationship because he can't cook, then do that. Make it very clear to your new bloke from the start that if they can't cook, you aren't interested.

Thanks all. Appreciate the messages. I think what has made me upset is the latest update. So lazy and defeatist

Careful the contempt mask is revealing.
Who decides what level of interest in cooking is adequate? For example, I take an hr to whip up a ragu and pasta. DP on the other hand spends days planning and then days cooking what he believes to be an authentic ragu sauce and accompaniments. Would it be fair of DP to show contempt towards me because I'm neither as invested in food nor do I have the same skills?

Ultimately these two I believe are not compatible, I'm not sure the contempt is necessary.

This guy can’t even grate some cheese. 🤣

He’s beyond contempt.

I don't cook, I never have and I'm 64! DH loved cooking so that was his job. It didn't mean he came home from work every night and cooked a three course meal from scratch but, if there was cooking to be done, he did it. I made sure the shopping was done and he had everything he needed, I helped out and did the clearing up. As I did all of the other domestic chores and most of the admin, I thought this was fine. Of course I could make a spag bol or roast a chicken, but I didn't and never had any desire to. Like your DH I also love food and going to good restaurants but I just don't like cooking.