Invited friend for dinner and she didn't reply. Rude? Should I back away from friendship??

[Hosebush]

I have a friend who lives in the same city. We've been friends for over 10 years. During the past 10 years, we have met up for various things (dinners, trips,), went to each other's weddings and hen parties.

A few months ago, I invited her and her partner over for dinner, on a weekend that suits her. I said it could be at ours or in a nearby restaurant. She hasn't replied. I used WhatsApp, which she uses too

This is rude, isn't it? She has done this before in the past - just not replied when I've suggested something (though she doesn't ignore every time, and sometimes arranges dinners at her house which I've been to).

She has invited me to her birthday meal next weekend.

I'm inclined to say I can't make it, and just quietly back away from the friendship. Am I overreacting? What would others do?

You should really ask her why she does it?

Just don't reply back.

And I suppose I also wanted to ask - is not replying like this common these days?

Kind of seems like she doesn't want to be going over to your place, prefers you always going over to hers.

No, it's just rude.

I think I'd probably ask her if she got my message last time, what happened? Then I'd pretty much accept her excuse and go along to the birthday. See how you feel about seeing her then and decide how much contact you want in future. It seems a shame to fall out over something where she could simply have forgotten to reply.

If she is your friend of ten years, ask her at the birthday party.

Why can’t you just send a message saying ‘hi, just nudging you on a supper date - looking forward to seeing you soon’?

people get busy and WhatsApp messages are casual enough to let slip. Assume the best. If it’s recurring then ask her directly.

I think it's rude for someone to consistently ignore messages or calls.

Everyone forgets to reply or ring back at times. But there's a difference.

I'd ask her as others have said. Then decide if you want to go to her birthday meal.

I've been in touch with my old school friends for the past few months after my leaving the group 12 years ago.

I originally left the group because it was always me doing the texting calling etc. Wore away at my self esteem. I'd be blanked for days on end.

Anyway we've been back in touch and I'd hoped everyone had grown up. Nope, they started doing it again.

So I've deleted their numbers. It's made me really ill this week mentally. Don't know what I've done to warrant that treatment.

Pick up the phone and speak to her.

People getting busy is a lousy excuse for people getting rude.
It takes two shakes to type “no sorry - we can’t.”

Is it possible that her partner might not want to come to dinner? My husband hates socializing and I always have to come with some excuse and sometimes I put off sending that text because I don't know how to decline without offending!

For sure if you don’t want to go its best to be honest about that.

But in the spirit of honesty I’m horribly scatty about plans, I semi regularly receive a casual invite and think ‘lovely plan, I’ll run it past DH before getting back’ and then life gets in the way and I forget for two weeks.

maybe I’m blessed with unusually patient friends - but I haven’t been noticeably cut off by anyone yet - nor would it occur to me to phase someone out because of it. I suppose that is because it is in the context of otherwise loving and consistent friendship.

There is a clear firm officially invite and there is 'if you are not doing anything come we are free on this date' type thing

So it could be miscommunication, sure it could be rude but it could be they feel it is generic thing

If it keeps happening stop offering

You want to back away from a 10 year friendship because she’s a bit crap wor texts sometimes?

Just call her. Can't stand all this pussy footing about on messaging. It's open to misinterpretation and miscommunication.

I’d tell her “Oh, I thought we were leaving our options open like you do.”

Does she have executive function problems? Always running late, being a but messy etc.
maybe appearing a bit scatty etc.
I have adhd - if someone invites me to something it’s actually tricky with the steps - check if I am free which since I am terrible with keeping a diary might take a while, remember to ask hubby if he is free etc - I might forget during these steps about the invite.
it’s not a reflection on the other person at all. Depends on whether you want to keep friendship going or not - she clearly likes you if she’s invited you to her birthday. But nothing wrong if her tardiness does not work for you. Personally I would just ask her again if she has forgotten

So you sent her a message saying “Would love to invite you over for dinner one weekend. When would be best for you?” And she read the message and didn’t reply? And you didn’t mention it again? And you don’t have any other indication that she’s snubbing you?

If so:
Could she just have meant to have a look at good times but it slipped her mind by the time she got home/got hold of her husband/finished her commute/etc.?

If it really, really irritates you not to have everything you mention responded to the first time you mention it, then you probably should back away from the friendship. But it seems like a standard that very few people will meet, so might make your pool of potential good friends pretty small.

I would imagine either her partner doesn't want to come or hasn't made the decision yet so she's waiting on a firm answer before letting you know. Obviously it would be useful if she said this.

I'm amazed at the idea of being friends with someone for 10 years and suggesting losing the friendship over this. I can think of at least half a dozen people I have issued invitations to over the past couple of years and not had a response. All them remain friends as, when I've subsequently asked them about it, they've either meant to respond and are massively apologetic or it turns out have had something pretty major going on in their lives which means that not replying was entirely acceptable.
Also, depending on how you worded it, your friend may not know if it is a genuine invitation or not. If you had said "are you free on Sat 17th August? If so, would you like to come for a BBQ at 7pm" then I would check the calendar and say yes or no. If you had said "let me know when you're free to come over for dinner", I wouldn't be sure what to do. Do you genuinely mean it (most probably given you have an established friendship) or is it meant in a similar fashion to when someone says "we must meet up soon" but has absolutely no intention of doing so. Also, asking what weekends work for me seems really helpful on your part but actually causes me more problems. Technically, all of my weekends between now and Christmas bar three are entirely free. Except for, as the parent of two sporty teens, they're not as I don't have their fixture lists yet and so have no idea where I'll be taking them to and when yet so am not in a position to suggest something as it may turn out that I can't make it. Again, if you'd issued a specific invitation, I might be able to give a more specific answer.

Agree wholeheartedly. You've been friends for 10 years, why on earth are you asking random strangers on Mum's net who don't know either of you, when you can just pick up the phone and say hi friend etc?

Couldnt agree more, its ridiculous.

I have a friend who is a bit like this (can take a few days to reply to WhatsApp invite, although she’s never completely ignored one before). It’s annoying and it makes me feel like sometimes I’m kept as a backup option, as she has a very busy social life.

However, over the years she’s been a great friend in many other aspects and I know she is someone I could rely on in a difficult situation. So, while I do get frustrated with her occasionally, this is her most annoying trait and I can live with it in the grand scheme of things.

Is your friend someone you know would be there for you when you need her? If so, maybe it’s worth salvaging the friendship. Either bring it up when you see her in a ‘btw I noticed you forgot to reply to my message’ kind of way or accept that this is her most annoying trait and just make very loose plans with her until she’s confirmed them.

I'd assume she just forgot to reply as is easily done with WhatsApp's, or there's a reason she or partner don't want to do it and it feels less rude to 'forget' to reply than to decline. I wouldn't take offence at that if I liked her and enjoyed other stuff in her company. There's no pressure to host dinner dates or to attend them and if an offer is passed over then you could write it off and not offer again, but I wouldn't ditch a good friendship over such a thing. There's enough to take offence at in the world and it gets exhausting. I'd let it go.