Invited friend for dinner and she didn't reply. Rude? Should I back away from friendship??

[Hosebush]

I have a friend who lives in the same city. We've been friends for over 10 years. During the past 10 years, we have met up for various things (dinners, trips,), went to each other's weddings and hen parties.

A few months ago, I invited her and her partner over for dinner, on a weekend that suits her. I said it could be at ours or in a nearby restaurant. She hasn't replied. I used WhatsApp, which she uses too

This is rude, isn't it? She has done this before in the past - just not replied when I've suggested something (though she doesn't ignore every time, and sometimes arranges dinners at her house which I've been to).

She has invited me to her birthday meal next weekend.

I'm inclined to say I can't make it, and just quietly back away from the friendship. Am I overreacting? What would others do?

I had a friend who did this all the time. I thought it was me, but eventually realised that she's just self centred and rude.

She liked entertaining, usually to show off a new table or firepit or something. If I invited her over, she'd ignore the message 90% of the time.

In the end I dropped her (actually because she and my now ex husband were mucking about) but I can see now that the whole friendship was toxic.

I've let some friendships go recently simply by not contacting them. It is partly because i was always, always the one to text/phone/send carrier pigeon. So I concluded that they weren't very bothered, and continue to see people who match my effort.
I do think friendships change over time though. I left school in the 80s so we relied on phone calls and letters. All but the really closest friendships fell by the wayside as we all went our separate ways. It's tempting to think you're still close to people because if you have seen them active on SM you know what's going on for them. Then you suddenly realise you've had no real connections for months or years even.

Thanks all. This has been helpful.

The thing is, I think I've seen her about 4 times in the last 2 years. That is not a lot, is it, when we live in the same city?! We haven't had much chat since my invite - it has only been in a group chat, about her birthday meal.

It's not that she has loads of other friends. For her birthday meal, it would just me and about 4 others (so I am in theory one of her good friends).

I know she ignores other people's invites too. When I texted her to invite her for a meal, it wasn't phrased in a way that I was asking her to suggest specific dates - it was just to get an idea if if she's be up for it sometime soon. It would have been very easy for her to give a reply which expressed keenness, but which asked me to come up with dates. There are lots of previous times over the last few years when I've just overlooked an ignored message, but it's got to a point where I've had enough of it.

Because when you hardly see a friend, and when, if you make the effort to do something, they often don't reply, it all feels a bit strange. That's why I'm reluctant to continue it.

Some people are just reluctant to leave the comfort of their house and make the effort to go somewhere in the evening. Maybe that it is.

Maybe you are blessed with patient friends. That’d truly be lovely.

And maybe someday you and your husband will be sitting there and it’ll suddenly occur to you that you haven’t heard from Jeanne & Bill or Julie & Don or Sheila & Dennis for just ages.

It takes two shakes to decline or accept an invitation.
Be polite. Be a friend. Do the right thing.

Binning a friendship so easily? Phone her and speak to her.

Between texts, WhatsApp, messenger, email, and hard copy info, it is very easy for messages to slip down the list and get lost, especially if they aren’t a specific invitation with proposed date and location.

In all this anxing tying yourself in knots, involving strangers and speculating thats gone on for days, you could have just asked her.
Its ludicrous.

As she’s invited you out since my guess would be that your invitation was either missed or forgotten. She may have meant to reply when she’d worked out the best date and then got caught up with other stuff and it slipped her mind.

That is a bit rude but depending what she has going on in her life, maybe forgivable.

Unless she does this frequently I’d let it go and enjoy her birthday.

Maybe, if she does forget to reply to invites, in future just say you know she’s busy but can she reply by the end of the week. That might focus her mind but also, if you don’t hear by then you can make other plans

I think it's rude to read and not respond - period. However, always give the benefit of the doubt just once, because once is a mistake, twice is a habit.

Having read your update your invite to dinner is not what I thought it was. I had understood from your OP that you meant you had invited her to a meal either at your home or out somewhere at a specific place and time and she ignored it. It sounds like actually you suggested you both go out for a meal sometimes and she ignored that suggestion. Honestly, if she were bothered about meeting up she'd have replied is what I think.

Is it possible she's happy to invite you as part of the group but not interested in spending time with you one on one?

It's not really a friendship though, is it? Barely see each other, and one barely responds to texts and only seems to communicate through a group WhatsApp. I think it's run it's course @Hosebush 💕

Dont you think the really wierd thing is all these strangers speculating endlessly over a tiny thing for days, that could be resolved by just asking her, in 5 minutes.
Never let it be said that us English women are nothing but indirect.
One might argue that this constant havering speculating fantasy buliding paranoia and what ifs, add to womens levels of anxiety.

I know someone like this. I don't like to rock the boat as they're quite sensitive and take offence easily, but they often ignore messages and invitations, but expect speedy responses from me. I'd block them if I could but it's not worth the hassle. Quietly drop I would suggest.

No

If you didn't suggest a specific date, perhaps she didn't get round to thinking of one and replying. It can be easy to let messages slip sometimes, so maybe this is worth a chase. Mentioning it again might also convey that you don't like your messages being ignored. If she does this a lot, with other people too, she may not have realised it's a bad habit of hers.
I certainly wouldn't discard the friendship over this, unless you think that her tendency to ignore messages has a more sinister motive. You don't see her that often so it's not as if you're constantly being let down by her.

Do you want to carry on the friendship or not. Perhaps something else was going on at the time, perhaps she didn't want to socialise with husbands. Is she generally rude to be around. I guess if she'd said ,no thank you, that wouldn't be ok either. So you either want to be friends, rise above it, or you dont in which case , carry on being offended.

You say you invited her 'a few months ago'? She will have forgotten surely? I think you're over reacting unless this is a pattern.

WhatsApp is another inbox to me and just as I can’t reply to all my emails neither can I reply to every single WhatsApp.

I do try but once they slide “below the fold” in the screen I forget about them. I’ve tried marking them unread and starring or pinning ones I need to respond to later, but it doesn’t work. I get too many WhatsApp messages!

Frankly the app overwhelms me and I hate that mixed in with so much noise are important relationships to me.

I’d hate to lose a friendship because i can’t keep on top of a Silicon Valley tech product. Just phone her if you care about her.

I can't cope with the number of WhatsApp messages I get. I find it so stressful, the number of demands and questions that expect responses NOW! Phone her.

Has she read it?

Sometimes im guilty of reading something when im bust then it goes completely out of my head.

Message again to see

" still waiting for a reply hope you're ok? "

WhatsApp behaviour drives me nuts!! If I wasn't reliant on it for my job, I'd delete it! I hate it when people dont reply. It's so rude!! It takes seconds. Especially when it's an invitation and the other person cba to respond. A no thanks is all it takes.

Also, does it ring true that your friend only likes it if you go over to theirs? I had a friend like that. I got fed up with it in the end and stopped going

Do you care about the relationship?
Are you bothered about not seeing her.
If not, let it drift.
If you care, go to the birthday.
The older I get the less I tolerate.
If relationships are not reasonably reciprocal I don't bother.
I match people's energy.
I have no interest in doing more.
It works for me as I have a nice group of friends that I value, and value me.

I know. Mind boggling.

I'm petty as fuck so I'd simply not reply to her invite and if she chased it up I'd say I thought that's what she preferred - not replying to invites. 🤷

Life's too short to waste it on people who aren't bothered about you.

Any chance she’s suffering from anxiety or depression or there could be something going on in her life that you’re not aware of?
what about a “are you ok? You haven’t replied. Just checking everything is ok?”

I think it is incredibly rude. I invited a friend to a brunch I was hosting, she didn't bother to RSVP, in fact there was no response at all. It certainly made me re-evaluate the friendship. I won't be instigating contact any more.