Invited friend for dinner and she didn't reply. Rude? Should I back away from friendship??

[Hosebush]

I have a friend who lives in the same city. We've been friends for over 10 years. During the past 10 years, we have met up for various things (dinners, trips,), went to each other's weddings and hen parties.

A few months ago, I invited her and her partner over for dinner, on a weekend that suits her. I said it could be at ours or in a nearby restaurant. She hasn't replied. I used WhatsApp, which she uses too

This is rude, isn't it? She has done this before in the past - just not replied when I've suggested something (though she doesn't ignore every time, and sometimes arranges dinners at her house which I've been to).

She has invited me to her birthday meal next weekend.

I'm inclined to say I can't make it, and just quietly back away from the friendship. Am I overreacting? What would others do?

Id assume she forgot to reply /missed it and would send another message. "Hi not heard back about x date? Are you free?"

Obviously if I didn't hear back a second time I'd be making a phone call to see what's going on.

Why do you assume one missed message is a rejection?

How good friends can you be, when you’d not just call and ask or ask when you speak to her, and consider ending the friendship. Are you more acquantances? You’ve clearly had no communication between these two invites.

I think the difference between your two invitations is that she has invited you to a specific event, on a specific date at a specific time and location (her girthday).

Whereas you gave invited her to a vague event, at a vague location on an unspecified date (at yours or at a restaurant; on a date to suit her).

In your attempts to, I assume, be accommodating, you've ended up giving her all the work to do.

Eg in responding to her invitation, you need to consider whether you're free on that date and whether you want to go.

In response to your invitation, she has to choose a date convenient to her and check whether her partner and you are free; decide whether she'd rather eat at yours or at a restaurant (Is she supposed to choose your house so that you can host? Or have you given her the suggestion of a restaurant because you'd rather not cook? And you'd rather eat out? Which is she supposed to choose?)

You've given the entire mental load of your invitation to her.

She might well have accepted an invitation to your house for dinner on X date but everytime she thinks about it she gets caught up in the same decision making loop. So she just ignores it for a bit longer.

Phone her; go to her birthday; be specific!

I wouldn't drift over just this TBH - she may have read at a time she couldn't confirm and has forgotten since.

Not great form but easily done and it won't be personal, just absent minded of her.

If you are offended by that then you probably aren't best suited as personalities, and drifting may be for the best.

Yeah this... In fact in may even be the case that your invitation was so vague she might have interpreted it as 'let me know when we can get together ' and she thinks she has done that by inviting you to her birthday.

People are busy and if they see a message that takes a bit of thinking/ checking dates etc it is easy not to get round to replying, especially if there is no urgency because the other person hasn't mentioned a date. If I look through my phone I think the last message between me and a lot of friends is ' let me know when you are free for a catch up' or similar and the other hasn't replied. Where people haven't replied to me I haven't eaten it as a snub and I hope others haven't where I haven't replied. Usually eventually one of us asks again, and this jogs us into replying, or a more specific event comes up etc.

If it’s a one off let it slide. Not worth running a friendship over. Sometimes people forget to reply if they’ve read a message at a particularly busy time etc

I’ve got two friends who routinely don’t reply to invitations, so I’ve stopped asking them. We’re part of an entertaining WhatsApp group so happy to converse about nonsense on that but I see them now as WhatsApp friends. They just don’t like going out.

I wouldn't get in a huff about this, but I wouldn't have just sat there stewing on it either - I would have sent a follow up message saying "So? Dinner or not? Let me know either way." I would assume she had half read it when she was busy doing something, meant to read it again later, and totally forgotten.

If she ignored repeated messages I would ask her why, but not just bin a friendship without asking.

Exactly.

It sounds completely mad to me that you think ending a 10- year friendship is a proportionate response to an invitation not replied to.

I do this all the time. I read messages and think il reply when I’ve checked my diary, or with my partner, etc then my day gets in the way and I completely forget. Just call her and ask. Especially if she has invited you to something just mention it when you see her.

not everyone is super organised. My friends mean the world to me, my brain just doesn’t work that way and I have a very busy life. It’s not that I don’t make time or prioritise I find I struggle with organisation and remembering

It’s so easy in WhatsApp to read a message, think “I must reply to that!” And then five more messages come in and the first one gets pushed off the screen

Speak to her?

I know everyone will roll their eyes but I have ADHD and I do this. I start writing a message or plan to respond later and it just goes completely out of my head. Then it sort of buzzes there guiltily when it pops up at 2am, two weeks later.

Sometimes this goes on for such a long time that the only way to deal with it is make it obvious I do want to spend time with someone by reciprocating with an invite. She might not be the same but I can say calling it out is fine and maybe even welcome. Just say it annoys you and get it out in the open. If she gets annoyed herself then yeah you can’t really be friends like that. Discussing irritations is part of a healthy relationship though, otherwise you are acquaintances not friends.

I agree.

I do use texting for some things but I would never have WhatsApp or Snapchat etc.

If I am making arrangements, I call and speak to the person.

Having to wait for a reply in a message would drive me crazy!

Similar here. Have a friend that we see from time to time, meals at theirs or ours, quite close. Was arranging with this friend and her DH to come over, and discussing dates we could all do, with the final WhatsApp from me saying - how about we fix xx date for dinner at ours? It was for about 10 days later on a bank holiday and was one of the dates she'd said they could make. She read it and didn't reply. A few days before the day I messaged again to check if they were coming, and she sent me a war and peace length message of how busy she was and apologising for forgetting to reply and saying they had friends visiting from abroad so couldn't come, suggesting a date we couldn't do.
A few weeks later virtually the same happened again. Except I didn't chase and she didn't reply at all until the day of the invite when she messaged to say she was sorry not to have replied but they were available and could they still come over for dinner?!!!
Needless to say I ignored. This was 3 months ago and no communication since. Twice. I realise she's waiting for "better" offers. I'm done.
It's very rude. For us, with limited weekends free due to work patterns, I'm annoyed we were left hanging with v little time to arrange anything else. We'd be mugs to invite her again.

If you've spoken to her in those few months have you not said 'did you see my msg about dinner?' she's likely missed the msg.

All these excuses why people don't respond to messages.

People are generally on their phones a lot. At the very least, their phones are checked for messages during the day. Its a choice to not reply. It takes two seconds. Even to acknowledge a text...ie "i don't know yet, but i'll get back to you" ..

Not responding to an invitation is rude be it a children's party, a coffee date or dinner.

I’d go to the meal - no question. I’m v good on replying and so are most of my friends so this sort of thing annoys me, but I’d still go and ask if she got the text.

I’m not great at reading people but I was phased out by somebody like this. She just ignored my invitations etc and for a couple of years I tried to offer different options, suggested things I knew she liked etc., but eventually I had to accept that she was dropping me.

Your friend might be different - she did just get in touch with you spontaneously after all - but I’m not sure.

My ex friend would have strenuously denied a desire to drop me had I asked her out straight.

I have also had acquaintances ignore explicit invitations to dinner, which I read as just not wanting to pursue a closer friendship, which is fine. I have personally handled that situation more politely myself, but some people are just rude. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just phoned her and ask her.

I miss replying to WhatsApps all the time, and often don't get replies from other people.

You see the message when you're in the middle of something, think I'll reply later, and then forget all about it. It's hardly the end of the world.

How about texting

"Thanks. See you at your birthday thing. Amy dates yet for me to host you? I was thinking <give her some choices>"

I think her response (or silence) to that would tell you all you need to know.

Then you can make an informed choice what you want to do.

Hi op yes people are busy but nice to know too is it going ahead/not. Im finding people really flaky lately..

I think it’s likely you are overthinking it.

Yes it’s a bit rude, but it’s common for people have a lot of messages coming in from lots of different channels. She may have seen it and intended to reply but not got round to it.

She has invited you to her thing so she isn’t ignoring you.

Did you say you invited her 'a few months ago'? @Hosebush Have you spoken to her at all since?

So you invited her for a dinner a few months back and she didn't reply and now she's invited you to something? Has there been any dialogue in between or has she messaged you on WhatsApp after your message?

Id have been tempted to follow up (as I did with SIL who managed to Grover to rsvp to two parties we invited her to) or simply ignore her invitation as well and she may get the message.