He is leaving me with a newborn

[Keeponmoovin]

Married 2 years and been together 8. We have just welcomed our first baby in the last 2 months. From pregnancy onwards he was acting distant and uninterested. He admitted when I conceived (very quickly) he was anxious and thought he would have more time, despite wanting kids and agreeing to go along with it. We are in our mid thirties so not exactly young, so i questioned this ‘more time’ to do what? He said he didn’t know. For context, he is very laid back, well educated with a good job to support us, not a hands on kind of guy- very laid back and likes his own space. He would happily sit on laptop and work or laze around. Me on the other hand- a bit more get up and go.

The 9 months of pregnancy sparked arguments as a result and I never felt comfortable in my own skin as a pregnant lady. I would try to involve him with our babies progression and he showed little interest. He has always been civil with me, but he checked out emotionally and this made me angry hence arguments which have ultimately made things worse and in his opinion ‘pulled us apart’

After many conversations and trying to debunk why he has become distant and uninterested, it turns out he never really wanted marriage and is guilty of going with the flow. He also felt pressured into a baby too soon, although now she is here he adores her and will always want to do right by her. I can’t say he’s been a big supporter since she was born, but he will help. He says the spark has gone and we have grown apart- this is based on the arguments and threats I have made to leave if he doesn’t step up. I have told him I want to work on it and not to throw a marriage away, but he is so checked out and confused, with all the arguing etc he has decided to leave, telling me it’s just not working out anymore and he can’t get that spark back. He said I haven’t been happy with him and neither has he for a while and that when he does try we argue, which is mainly due to him being checked out still.

I still can’t believe he is moving out and leaving me this way, I don’t have a great job and my life has turned upside down. I feel like he hasn’t even tried to work on it and reverts back to ‘well we never really had much in common’ or ‘the arguments got worse’ of course they did- I was pregnant and felt unwanted with a baby.

He says there is definitely not another woman in the picture; as I did question this. He said he would never ever cheat and was very offended I thought this of him. Tbf he doesn’t know many people to meet another woman so I trust this to be true. I’ve never questioned his trust as he isn’t that kind of guy, but of course you never know.

what is going on here?

Good. Let him go, and get a solicitor.

Honestly, let him leave. If you badger him enough to stay knowing how unhappy he is now, realistically you must know it'll just rear its head in the future.

Speak to a solicitor, rally your family / friends around you and prepare to be the best mum you can be for your child.

He checked out. Most probably a while ago. And you know what honey if he can walk away from you now at this point then let him. Let him go. Get a solicitor. You don't need this man. Let the hurt and the pain come and focus on your little one but this man ain't no team player.

He checked out emotionally when you got pregnant - and 'helps' with baby but isn't massively present.

It's hard I know but say bye, dont contact no matter how much you want to, leave him to it and start the divorce proceedings and CMS claim. You're worth more - but also think of your child. They're certainly worth more than this

I would tell him that he's ruined the most special time of your life and that after leaving you high and dry and one of the toughest parts, the door will not be left open for him to waltz back in when he realises being a bachelor is boring and he's all of a sudden 'ready'.

If I had to place a £10 bet there is 💯 another woman but that isn’t your concern.

i would also tell him this
I would tell him that he's ruined the most special time of your life and that after leaving you high and dry and one of the toughest parts, the door will not be left open for him to waltz back in when he realises being a bachelor is boring and he's all of a sudden 'ready'.

get a solicitor and start divorce.

claim for CMS immediately and start understanding the man you knew is dead and this man IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Do not trust him.

if your family are in any way good helpful or support look to get geographically close to them. It will help massively

Oh this is so heartbreaking for you. What a time you’ve had. I was on my own with my first from 4 months. It was hard work, tiring and stressful at times but it was also amazing, created a fantastic bond for us and was a lot of fun. We enjoyed the simple things and that was enough. He is 23 now and I look back and still love our time together when I reflect back.
dont try and get back together. You are worth more than that. Do t have your baby surrounded by arguments and tension - they pick up on it.
focus on your lovely future you can build together.
try not to get overwhelmed, reach out for help - you’ve got this.

did you post about this before? From what you have said, it seems like you both have a really unhealthy way of communicating. You have mentioned here (and also the previous poster mentioned this which is why I thought it might be the same), that you have threatened to end the relationship in previous arguments. Now, you have kind of down played this as being a normalish thing to do in response to him not supporting you in the way that you needed, but it isn't great. And I don't want to look like I am shifting the blame onto you - he is a grown adult man who had agency to not get married, and to use contraception if he didn't want a baby, so he needs to take ownership of that. But if my other half kept threatening to end the relationship, I would hate it, and it wouldn't be something that I could tolerate.

Is there anything to save - honestly, from what you have written, it doesn't sound like the two of you are good for each other. But hopefully you can go to mediation and learn how to co-parent your daughter together.

OP posted the exact same thing 2 days ago.

Don't feel bad for the arguing and threats to leave you may have made, you were desperately trying to get some kind of reaction or involvement from a man who has checked out and left you to carry all the responsibility of the child he helped create.
Is it a "healthy" way to communicate? No. But don't beat yourself up about it. In the face of his cold, detached behaviour it's not surprising that you resorted to that kind of thing.

And don't take on guilt at the idea that he was "forced" to marry you & have a child. He wasn't. He is immature and weak and is unable to cope with the responsibility that comes with parenthood. But, instead of admitting that, he is blaming you and running away.

It's a tough situation for you and I hope you have support from family & friends.

I think you need to let him go and focus on you and your child. Find out what benefits you are entitled to & work out what maintenance he needs to pay. Lean on family and friends as much as you can.

You will get through this xxx

And?? Does it matter?

OP it sounds like he felt pressured into marriage and children. Now he is living a life he didn’t want. You need to let him go so you both have a chance to be happy with people who want the same thing.

Well I posted on the other thread and it was slightly differently nuanced.

However the basic thing is that OP's Dh was unsupportive and unhelpful during the pregnancy and is now an unwilling family man with a newborn. And sad as it is for OP I think it is unrealistic of her to expect him to change now and become the father/ husband he should be.

Sorry OP but I think you really need to go down the route of formalising separation and co parenting. Very sad for you.

I dislike this kind of subtle blaming of the OP!
Are you trying to suggest she forced him into this situation?

Or could it be that he willingly agreed to marry & have a child but has now decided it's not for him.

And with the privilege that being a man provides he can make that decision and just walk away while the OP is, quite literally, left holding the baby.

I sort of agree with this, though I know you are in a horrible situation and don't want to appear critical.

But if you have (repeatedly) threatened to leave him, then in a way you can't be that amazed that he is finally taking you up on it? He is right in that a relationship in which one person repeatedly threatens this in arguments isn't healthy for anyone.

Not saying you don't have your reasons. His lack of enthusiasm and help with the baby is horrendous I know (I went through the exact same thing with my daughter's dad; despite her being a planned child he then couldn't cope when I was pregnant and failed to engage at all, let alone attend ante natal classes with me etc - so I know how horrible that feels and how it stops you enjoying the pregnancy really).

Maybe he is right, and there really is nothing left of your relationship as a romantically involved couple. Would you still consider yourself in love with him? Do you fear losing him as an individual, or just fear the idea of being on your own with a newborn. (Even if the latter, it's perfectly understandable).

Good luck - you will get through this!

No. But another poster is confused and think she had already read it. It’s helpful to know what has been suggested before and reasona why the person wants does or doesn’t have the ability to follow certain advice.

I think this is another, quite common version of "the script".

Marriage and a baby cause a man to freak out and realise the enormity and reality of the future, so, he back-pedals furiously, disengages and then claims he was "forced" into it all.

To be honest it sounds like he didn't really want a baby, and at the point he agreed to 'try' he didn't think you would actually get pregnant or perhaps thought he might exit the relationship before a pregnancy occurred. He sounds pretty spineless and shouldn't have said he wanted this if he didn't.

I do think however, that there are some women (not saying OP is one) who sort of choose not to see reluctance in their partner, because they are so keen themselves to have a baby that they are just hoping once baby arrives their partner will step up. Because this situation seems to happen quite a bit.

I'm sorry to keep on about this but, again, the inference here is that it's the woman's "fault" for not seeing this supposed "reluctance" rather than men not taking creating a family seriously and communicating clearly about what they want.

Thanks for the replies and he made it very clear to me he always wanted kids and it would be a deal breaker if I decided they weren’t for me. We also discussed it in depth and decided to try as a joint decision. Therefore I couldn’t help but feel disappointed at his reaction and which further lead to me resenting him and the arguments- hence saying ‘I’m done’. Maybe not the best line but I tried to keep us working together and it was just a frustrating battle when he checked out and wouldn’t listen.

Also putting my £10 bet on there being another woman - not necessarily that he’s having a physical affair, but potentially an emotional affair or a reconnection with an ex he never really got over - something like that. He’s rewriting history - that’s straight from The Cheater’s Script (look it up). You obviously had something in common if you got engaged, married, and had a baby and a life together. Surely even he isn’t so passive he’d sleepwalk into ALL those major life decisions - he clearly holds down a well enough job to support you all so he must be at least vaguely decisive and competent. Expect a woman (or maybe a man) to come out of the woodwork in a few months.

I’m so sorry your pregnancy was tainted like this. I left someone like this after 5 years together because he still wasn’t sure about marriage and kids and we were also mid 30ies. Your husband is ridiculous. After 8(!) years together he was still not sure? He’s doing you a real favour by moving on. Men like this will never grow up and just drag you down further. I also think there may be someone else in the picture.

@Jonisaysitbest absolutely. I said in my post above that I was with someone like this. The onus was also on him to make 100% clear what he wanted. He asked me if I wanted kids on our first date and said he did. Then he managed to be vague about it and never bring up the topic for 5 years. I have a son now but had him at 39. I think if I wouldn’t have had a chance to have my son, I would have taken the resentment of someone wasting so many years of my life to the grave.

Yes I'm afraid OP that you may need to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for this scenario.

There may not be another woman right now but he is behaving like a man who is panicking that life is getting serious so he may well jump into a relationship with a younger child-free woman instead.

Definitely let him go, as hard and painful as it is, but make sure you are communicating with him about the financial support he legally needs to provide you with.

Your baby is very small so will need to be with you more for now but later on he needs to step up with regular care too.

And don't take on guilt at the idea that he was "forced" to marry you & have a child. He wasn't. He is immature and weak and is unable to cope with the responsibility that comes with parenthood. But, instead of admitting that, he is blaming you and running away

This. Ignore posters banging on about your ‘communication style’. There was no way for you to communicate which would have led to a different outcome. Because this was about him being a selfish tosser who wants his ‘freedom’ and to do what he likes without the responsibility of parenting. And about him, like all men, being able to piss off and leave his kids without receiving social disapproval ( unlike women).