He is leaving me with a newborn

[Keeponmoovin]

Married 2 years and been together 8. We have just welcomed our first baby in the last 2 months. From pregnancy onwards he was acting distant and uninterested. He admitted when I conceived (very quickly) he was anxious and thought he would have more time, despite wanting kids and agreeing to go along with it. We are in our mid thirties so not exactly young, so i questioned this ‘more time’ to do what? He said he didn’t know. For context, he is very laid back, well educated with a good job to support us, not a hands on kind of guy- very laid back and likes his own space. He would happily sit on laptop and work or laze around. Me on the other hand- a bit more get up and go.

The 9 months of pregnancy sparked arguments as a result and I never felt comfortable in my own skin as a pregnant lady. I would try to involve him with our babies progression and he showed little interest. He has always been civil with me, but he checked out emotionally and this made me angry hence arguments which have ultimately made things worse and in his opinion ‘pulled us apart’

After many conversations and trying to debunk why he has become distant and uninterested, it turns out he never really wanted marriage and is guilty of going with the flow. He also felt pressured into a baby too soon, although now she is here he adores her and will always want to do right by her. I can’t say he’s been a big supporter since she was born, but he will help. He says the spark has gone and we have grown apart- this is based on the arguments and threats I have made to leave if he doesn’t step up. I have told him I want to work on it and not to throw a marriage away, but he is so checked out and confused, with all the arguing etc he has decided to leave, telling me it’s just not working out anymore and he can’t get that spark back. He said I haven’t been happy with him and neither has he for a while and that when he does try we argue, which is mainly due to him being checked out still.

I still can’t believe he is moving out and leaving me this way, I don’t have a great job and my life has turned upside down. I feel like he hasn’t even tried to work on it and reverts back to ‘well we never really had much in common’ or ‘the arguments got worse’ of course they did- I was pregnant and felt unwanted with a baby.

He says there is definitely not another woman in the picture; as I did question this. He said he would never ever cheat and was very offended I thought this of him. Tbf he doesn’t know many people to meet another woman so I trust this to be true. I’ve never questioned his trust as he isn’t that kind of guy, but of course you never know.

what is going on here?

Well, personally I would separate, and agree 50/50 childcare if you bottle/mixed feed and he can take shares parental leave. 50% of nights you get to sleep properly!
He wanted the baby too, he can look after the baby too.
Of course you might want the majority of time but personally that would be my approach.

This can't be fixed. So go forward and plan has a single mum. make an appointment to see a solicitor, get every bit of cash you can lay your hands on, if you can used his card to buy as many supplies as you can for the baby, nappies, wipes, formula, calpol, teething powders etc. Get hold of his payslips, pension and bank statements, you know the drill. Tell everyone he has left you as you really will need the support. Allow his family to see your Daughter, your little one deserves to have as many people as possible to love her. You can and will manage.

the door will not be left open for him to waltz back in when he realises being a bachelor is boring and he's all of a sudden 'ready'

I think this happens far less than women would like to believe. He’s finding parenthood boring.

Of course he says he will support you financially but when he realises how expensive it is to rent/buy alone he will soon change his tune…
DO NOT TRUST HIM!
see a solicitor, fight for what you and your child deserve.
He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

It will hurt but walk away from him. He's not a team player and doesn't want to be in your team anymore. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Focus on you and baby. Do what is best for you and baby. Get a divorce.

The partner can just say no.

Why is the woman at fault?

Funny how they always 'want kids' but have no actual interest in doing any parenting. Then the child comes and they can't handle it being the main priority and not being centre of attention anymore.

I'm always really scrutinising of men who say they want kids. They usually have no idea what that means, firstly, for the woman.

If I was a man, I'd be reluctant to risk my partners health for a child tbh. So if there was never any of that raised then that to me would make me question whether or not they actually gave a fuck about me.

I'd suggest anyone, ask the man 10 ways in which having a baby can damage you the womans, health, body, career, lifestyle and mental well being. If he can't, or, if after doing so, he doesn't at least question if you are really good with these extreme risks- he doesn't love you, he loves the idea of children. Which you, an indiscriminate female, shall raise for him.

It's sad but, we aren't actually people to a lot of men. They dont love us, meerely the services we can provide.

@Pinkbonbon I never looked at it like that but you are very right. We go through a lot physically and mentally to raise a child. They like the concept but not the graft that goes with it.

There are other threads where OP threatened to leave if he didn’t give her what she wanted. He should have stood his ground and left. Equally, OP should have realised that someone who needed to be threatened wasn’t overly happy about thing.

This. Let him go. 🙄

This 100%.

For a lot of men, having children is a status symbol. A milestone to check off the list. Something they see other men have so they need to have it too.

When I probed deeper with an ex partner about why he wanted children (he also made a big thing of it being a deal breaker from as early as our second date) it was all of the reasons above plus his own father had been absent and he saw this as an opportunity to prove something.

All of that is very well and good (and tbh quite sad) but ultimately having a child isn't an achievement you tick off a list and then move onto the next thing. It's a 24/7 job and responsibility that lasts forever. Permanently changes your lives and the relationship you have with your partner. Means giving up a lot for both parents but for the woman this usually includes the body she's had all her life, and her career as she knows it.

I think probably fewer than 1 in 10 men actually get that.

I'm so sorry, what an awful man. He seems to have not grown up yet. Doesn't want to have responsibility. Basically a teenager not ready to cope with real life. And he's blaming you for his inadequacy. Well fuck him.

Fine. If he's not ready, he'll only be an additional burden for you. Time to lawyer up. Take his money. Take his child care payments. He can at least pay his share as a parent, even if he's not willing to actually be one.

Don't remarry, unless you are certain that you have found the soul mate for the rest of your life. You can do this. You don't have to do this alone. Rely on your friends and family and build a network of support. Have faith that you are a good mother and you will do the best you can for your child.

I'm really sorry.

I broke up with ex before DD was born but he was in the house still until she was 8 weeks.

It's hard.

As others, get a solicitor, start CMS, claim for UC, change council tax to single person.

Do you have good family and friends round you?

It takes awhile but you will soon find your routine with your baby. And, one day, you will thank him for leaving.

I honestly have never been happier.

He should have been clear that he was flaky and uncertain about what he wanted before he put 50% of the effort into creating a new life.

If you read the OP's posts, it's clear that her H discussed marriage and children at length with her and gave her the impression it was what he wanted too. Then once she was pregnant his attitude changed. No surprise that she reacted with anger and upset at that stage really.

Sorry to hear this OP.

Personally I don’t think it’s healthy to keep going over the “why”. Ultimately you’ve ended up in a situation whereby you want different things, no amount of going over it will change that.

Try your best to accept it and move on, get support from family with little one if you can.

Good luck x

Another feckless man-child! Please get a lawyer asap - do not trust a word your soon-to-be-ex is saying about money. Organise CMS now! I’m afraid I too think another woman will also be coming out of the woodwork soon. He’s a total dick - I’m so sorry op.

I disagree actually. The OP needs to process what has happened and is being gaslit by her H who is rewriting the history of their relationship. I think she is posting here to try to get it all straight in her head.
If she doesn't try to understand what's happened she will end up listening to him and blaming herself which is not healthy or helpful.
Counselling would be a good idea although I can imagine that would be hard with a newborn.

@Jonisaysitbest exactly this. Thanks for understanding.

I have been there. Except my H kept the pretence up for longer (two kids down) before he threw the whole "you forced me to get married, have kids etc".
And I believed it and jumped through hoops for years trying to change things to please him while he had multiple affairs behind my back.

He has since told me that he lied due to his affair guilt, apologised and expressed immense regret at his behaviour and how he wrecked our family. Too little too late.

Don't be me basically.

Sadly, you are right and mostly sum it up.
I never had or desired children and married a very decent man three decades older.
It was the safest way (for myself).
Now 46 yo, I cannot stand them around me.
Apart from husband.

He wasn’t intending to create a new life though - he wanted a shag. OP says he didn’t think she was going to get pregnant so quickly.

@StormingNorman
Fair enough. I am no doubt projecting on this thread because I went through a similar experience although I didn't know it at the time.
And whenever I come on here I see similar situations unfolding & feel compelled to say something.
If only I had been on MN back in the day, it might have saved me a lot of heartache.

@StormingNorman we weren’t using protection he knew that morning we were trying for a baby. He didn’t think I would conceive as quickly as I did as I told him it may take months to fall pregnant and I don’t have time on my side with my age etc.

I'm sorry for your situation. This should be a joyful time.

but he will help

Bloodyhell, will he?! Well that's good of him to 'help' isn't it, given that he is the father!!

I think it's likely that you simply weren't The One for him. That's why he didn't feel comfortable with marriage and shit got real when you fell pregnant.

@Pinkbonbon I nearly raised something related to this as a thread on the Woman's Rights forum. I was wondering if misogyny or a degree of not caring about women is inbuilt in men, to ensure the continuation of the species. Otherwise, would so many of them be happy to put their female partners through something that's potentially life-threatening?

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