He is leaving me with a newborn

[Keeponmoovin]

Married 2 years and been together 8. We have just welcomed our first baby in the last 2 months. From pregnancy onwards he was acting distant and uninterested. He admitted when I conceived (very quickly) he was anxious and thought he would have more time, despite wanting kids and agreeing to go along with it. We are in our mid thirties so not exactly young, so i questioned this ‘more time’ to do what? He said he didn’t know. For context, he is very laid back, well educated with a good job to support us, not a hands on kind of guy- very laid back and likes his own space. He would happily sit on laptop and work or laze around. Me on the other hand- a bit more get up and go.

The 9 months of pregnancy sparked arguments as a result and I never felt comfortable in my own skin as a pregnant lady. I would try to involve him with our babies progression and he showed little interest. He has always been civil with me, but he checked out emotionally and this made me angry hence arguments which have ultimately made things worse and in his opinion ‘pulled us apart’

After many conversations and trying to debunk why he has become distant and uninterested, it turns out he never really wanted marriage and is guilty of going with the flow. He also felt pressured into a baby too soon, although now she is here he adores her and will always want to do right by her. I can’t say he’s been a big supporter since she was born, but he will help. He says the spark has gone and we have grown apart- this is based on the arguments and threats I have made to leave if he doesn’t step up. I have told him I want to work on it and not to throw a marriage away, but he is so checked out and confused, with all the arguing etc he has decided to leave, telling me it’s just not working out anymore and he can’t get that spark back. He said I haven’t been happy with him and neither has he for a while and that when he does try we argue, which is mainly due to him being checked out still.

I still can’t believe he is moving out and leaving me this way, I don’t have a great job and my life has turned upside down. I feel like he hasn’t even tried to work on it and reverts back to ‘well we never really had much in common’ or ‘the arguments got worse’ of course they did- I was pregnant and felt unwanted with a baby.

He says there is definitely not another woman in the picture; as I did question this. He said he would never ever cheat and was very offended I thought this of him. Tbf he doesn’t know many people to meet another woman so I trust this to be true. I’ve never questioned his trust as he isn’t that kind of guy, but of course you never know.

what is going on here?

I bet there is another woman. Grown apart. That old line. He sounds awful. How cruel to leave at such a time. He is full of excuses. Typical never their fault.

You said yourself he wasn’t expecting you to fall pregnant so quickly. He wasn’t ready. You were trying on your timescale and he was hoping you weren’t going to get pregnant. This is the risk you run when you push a man into TTC because of a biological clock.

FFS this is a grown man not a teenager 🙄. Stop making excuses for him and blaming her. Making a baby is hardly rocket science and there is plenty of information on the internet about how long it can take to conceive. This wasn’t the immaculate conception, he was there and he could have chosen to use a condom.

@StormingNorman i think I know what happened in my own relationship thankyou.
He knew we were trying and he was ‘secretly’ hoping I wouldn’t fall pregnant as soon as I did. He admitted he should have communicated better with me at the time.

Where is he moving out to OP? Has he got something lined up? When?

I’ll echo what some of the previous posters have said about a potential other party. Im not going to bang on about a definite OW but I would keep the idea that it’s a possibility on the back burner if I were you. Just so if there is, it isn’t a huge shock. If not I feel like he’s going to be jumping into the single life as if he’s back his 20’s. Gird your loins for more potential upset.

Yes I always wonder why women don't question this more. I guess them wanting children seems like a green flag if you also want children.

How much is mysoginy vs say, lack of education and 'everyone just does it' I don't know. Because tbf, we don't even educate women on the dangers. But women are more likely to look into things as it's their body.

It's not like it's fair to say if they love you, you should be all they need. But I question the love of any man who readily risks your health without so much as... raising concerns.

I'd like to normalise asking any man who says he wants kids if he knows what risks are involved with that. I suspect a lot of them would return the question with a blank expression.

There is a lot of discussion of this in childfree circles. How men happily take risks with womens health. But I do wonder if there were better education on the risks...for example, if it was taught in school, if men who 'want' children would actually want them, and to do the work involved.

Also I hate to echo prior posters on this on op but my 'other party involved' sense are going off too.

Though tbf, it could just be his lack of sleep from the newborn and he just can't cope. Because again, he never expected there'd be actual inconvenience for HIM in having a kid.

This is all on him. He lied to you and deceived you about wanting a child at that time.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Fundamentally men like your DH are completely selfish and weak. My guess is as soon as he had to start "giving" to you during pregnancy such as emotional support, expressing an interest and some physical assistance - he realised it wasn't for him. This will be an incredibly tough time but trust me you will get through it and have such a bond with your daughter.

He will however always be the man who treated his wife and newborn badly and then walked away. I am not sure how he can spin his leaving so I imagine he will have to paint you as a unhinged, controlling etc (fill in the blanks that abusive men use)

I suspect there will be someone else, even if now it's someone who he thinks he may have a chance with. It will be a woman who he believes will just focus on him.

Btw, no sensible woman will get with a man who has has just left a newborn.

Oh OP what a difficult thing to go through when you have a newborn!

But also... even if it works out how could you ever respect him again? what kind of weak person goes along with a marriage they don't want and then deliberately gets a woman pregnant when they aren't ready for children. He's not a man, he's an immature weak man-child. Or, even worse, that is just his re-writing of history because he can't handle having to care for a young child because he's too damn lazy & selfish, so he'd rather put you through this than do some hard graft.

It does sound a little like you were sabotaging the relationship by threatening to break up but for good reason I think! He's not a partner and has none of the traits you need. You wanted him to step up or show his true colours. Well his true colours are that he's an absolute loser.

I think you should see a solicitor and try to get a handle on finances. Stay amicable with the tosspot so he doesn't back out of his financial commitments. When you get that side under control you'll realise you can cope without him.

Respectfully OP if my DP had told me multiple times that he was leaving, I would protect myself by emotionally checking out too.

It doesn’t sound like there is anyway back, get your ducks in a row and work out the best way to coparent. You have a DC who needs you to be happy. Focus on making the future bright for the 2 of you

Hugs to you mama , your husband sounds like a man child who isn't mature enough to step up as a husband or father . I have seen this with friends in very stable relationships / marriages who freak out when the demands of a new baby come along . As a woman we have very little choice , these babies survive because we have to change our lifestyle to look after them while men can choose to be there or carry on as before and many do unfortunately. What I will add is that from seeing what happens in my friends life's some of the husbands move away and realise that they arnt any happier , they still know they are married and still feel an attachment to their wife and child . They come back and with their wife's forgiveness go on to make good husbands and fathers . Only time will tell if this happens to you .
Wishing you all the best , I'm sorry you are having this

Thanks everyone for your support, he is due to move out in the next couple of weeks and despite my tears of stress, has said it will get easier for me with a newborn as they grow up and he will support. He said I can stay at our home currently and will continue to pay half his mortgage etc. family concerned this may backfire. What an awful time I’m having. I really hope I don’t have a breakdown over this.

And is he going to step up to care for his daughter so that you have the energy to "focus on your career and be more ambitious"?
I do know that regardless of what he does, you are going to find a strength you never knew you had and the opportunity to build an amazing bond with your child.

Op are his parents aware and supporting you .

You need to formally get financial settlement. I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare right now but you need to pull down to the very pit of yourself and protect yourself and your baby. File for divorce, make sure you get child support and can afford to pay the mortgage and bills.

This man also said he wanted children. You can't take his word for anything and he has no obligation to pay anything other than what will ultimately affect his credit rating. If his name is on any of the bills and he's moved out, he can cancel them. I know you don't want or need to hear that but you can't ignore the possibility either.

If he’s said things will get easier as she gets bigger then he is extremely patronising. And how would he even know? He will ‘support’ you? So generous of him! Give that man a medal.

Get yourself to a lawyer asap. Your family are right to be concerned that this will backfire. He already thinks he’s being super benevolent by giving you ‘support’. You need more protection and long term security. That is not actually what he is offering.

Do not rely on him to pay half/all the mortgage.

He may do for a while. Until his guilt subsides. Then he will get resentful. And to be honest, in your position there’s comes a point where you don’t want him owning half the home or pay the mortgage. Because they will give him certain rights. The house needs to be sorted in the divorce.

You need good legal advice. If he is a high earner (he must be if he is planning on continuing to pay bills) get a CMS claim in asap. Then you can use that to cover your own bills. but still pursue a divorce, the sooner you get everything official, the better.

Yes, you really are having a horrible time and just when you should be at your happiest too.

I think you are doing brilliantly just by getting up each day & functioning at the moment tbh. It's so hard with a newborn, let alone having to deal with heart break and your awful husband.

Be kind to yourself and recognise how well you are doing by just being there & caring for your baby.

I know everyone is talking about solicitors etc but I wonder if you could find time for counselling - if someone can babysit for you or even come with you & look after your wee one outside.
I think your mental strength & coming to terms with what has happened is of great importance right now & will be going forward. You will need to be strong and resilient whatever happens, whether the split is permanent or you find a way through.
It's something to consider.

Or confide in a close friend or relative.
Lots of love to you xx

He had a baby with Mrs Right Now not Mrs Right cos he's got an unrealistic idea of who Mrs Right is. And he's realised this is it and he's freaked out because he's a massive baby. And yeah there may or may not be someone else but the OP was just conveniently there and he was perfectly happy with that until he's realised he's got to grow up and take responsibility.

In the kindest possible way @Keeponmoovin, wise up and do it quickly.

This man is giving you the bare minimum emotionally. Once he is out of the house, he will continue to give you the bare minimum - financially and practically.

He’s done it before, making promises that he can’t or won’t keep. He’s doing it again - promising you that he will properly support dd financially to keep you quiet for now. What he says right now means nothing.

He is not your friend. He wants out of the marriage and the real parenting. Have you got real life support around you?

Agree with this and perhaps is struggling with the major adjustment in the relationship. Is there anyone who can talk to him? All terribly sad for u

@Jonisaysitbest don’t apologise- you are 100% correct. And peoples mindsets need to change