He is leaving me with a newborn

[Keeponmoovin]

Married 2 years and been together 8. We have just welcomed our first baby in the last 2 months. From pregnancy onwards he was acting distant and uninterested. He admitted when I conceived (very quickly) he was anxious and thought he would have more time, despite wanting kids and agreeing to go along with it. We are in our mid thirties so not exactly young, so i questioned this ‘more time’ to do what? He said he didn’t know. For context, he is very laid back, well educated with a good job to support us, not a hands on kind of guy- very laid back and likes his own space. He would happily sit on laptop and work or laze around. Me on the other hand- a bit more get up and go.

The 9 months of pregnancy sparked arguments as a result and I never felt comfortable in my own skin as a pregnant lady. I would try to involve him with our babies progression and he showed little interest. He has always been civil with me, but he checked out emotionally and this made me angry hence arguments which have ultimately made things worse and in his opinion ‘pulled us apart’

After many conversations and trying to debunk why he has become distant and uninterested, it turns out he never really wanted marriage and is guilty of going with the flow. He also felt pressured into a baby too soon, although now she is here he adores her and will always want to do right by her. I can’t say he’s been a big supporter since she was born, but he will help. He says the spark has gone and we have grown apart- this is based on the arguments and threats I have made to leave if he doesn’t step up. I have told him I want to work on it and not to throw a marriage away, but he is so checked out and confused, with all the arguing etc he has decided to leave, telling me it’s just not working out anymore and he can’t get that spark back. He said I haven’t been happy with him and neither has he for a while and that when he does try we argue, which is mainly due to him being checked out still.

I still can’t believe he is moving out and leaving me this way, I don’t have a great job and my life has turned upside down. I feel like he hasn’t even tried to work on it and reverts back to ‘well we never really had much in common’ or ‘the arguments got worse’ of course they did- I was pregnant and felt unwanted with a baby.

He says there is definitely not another woman in the picture; as I did question this. He said he would never ever cheat and was very offended I thought this of him. Tbf he doesn’t know many people to meet another woman so I trust this to be true. I’ve never questioned his trust as he isn’t that kind of guy, but of course you never know.

what is going on here?

You really are better off without such a weak whining man. You have one child - you don’t want an adult child as well.

But make sure he pays for his child and that when she is old enough to be away from you for more than a few hours, he does 50% of the parenting.

I am unsure what is going on but if I was in your situation; a man wanting to be with me chose to marry me and said he wanted to be a father and then showed no interest in me when the child was born I would be sorting custody now, aiming for full custody.

He's taken your future as a married couple.
He's tarnished the history of why you chose to marry by saying he never really wanted to be married.
He is saying you had nothing in common but lived with you for 8 years.
He has stolen 8 years of your life that you could have been in a loving relationship.
He is now saying he never wanted to be a dad.

What if he repeats the attitude of marriage on your child by saying "I never wanted to be your dad"
Or worse, what if he just wanted to be a dad but not a husband?

Either way, I would be trying to protect my child's future financially and emotionally.

Agree... the bit that stood out for me was he agreed to 'go along with it'. It was pretty doomed from that point.

He's not going to change. Get out, sort the solicitor and CMS. You can do this.

I think that was just a turn of phrase the OP used because she also says later that he said having kids was a "deal breaker" for him.
So this supposed "reluctance" is a rewriting of history.

He was with the OP for 8 years in their 20s/30s. He had ample time to get out if he didn't like where the relationship was heading.

It's a classic immature reaction to the responsibility of real life.

You can, and will, survive this OP xx

I’m sorry this has happened to you, it’s so awful when you’re at your most vulnerable. I know someone irl this happened to but she’s moved on and much better off without the guy. He went on to have a child fairly quickly with someone else.

If I were you I could never get over the betrayal. Looking after a newborn is so hard and he’s left you to deal with that on your own. Don’t let him back in once your baby is older, things are easier and he has realised what an idiot he’s been and wants back in. What he’s done is unforgivable.

I agree to tell everyone so you can get the support you need and get a solicitor involved. He’s just a man child who wants to be ‘free’ but I’m sure he will come to regret it. Make sure it’s too late when he does.

I think you will look back in years to come and discover that there is a whole backstory to this man. What, one cannot say now, but his behaviour is odd and things have a way of coming to the surface over time. Look to yourself and your baby.

I think it is baby regret.
17% of parents who wanted a baby, end up regretting it after the baby is born.
This is because the idea of a baby & being a parent is vastly different from the reality of it.

So, it’s not you. It’s not the baby. It’s him and he’s not a terrible person per se, he’s just one of the 17% who experience baby regret. His checking out emotionally is textbook denial. He then tried to “go with the flow” as in fake it, but you know him well and knew he was off (cue arguments). The core issue is that even though he honestly wanted to be a Dad, he found himself unable to cope with the reality of it.

I would let him go now.

I was in the same situation with my exhusband and we dragged it out for until she was 2yrs. After saying he wanted children he then changed his mind when I was pregnant (asked me to have an abortion) and left me in a really lonely place where he made every excuse to never be home, there was nothing fun about my pregnancy. I think for me it would of been so much easier if he had just left rather than hanging around and not parenting or being a husband. I can't even write down some of the things he did and said about the "baby" before she was born. It did change for a bit when she was born but when she was 6wks but then told me "he had lost himself" the first time.

When we did split up he got himself a new girlfriend and insisted on alternate weekends which he promptly dropped when she was 4yrs old because he had split up with the girlfriend. She's lived with me full time ever since and he sees her once a week and the odd overnight, she no longer wants to spend Christmas with him and he doesn't take her on holiday. I petitioned the courts for full residency when she was 11yr and he consented to it all signing the paperwork and refusing the need to go to court.

I wish I had asked him to leave sooner. Then I could of started as I meant to go on and created and new life for us which I didn't manage to do until she was 4yrs. We have both had lots of counselling and the outcomes have always been her relationship with him is shaky, whilst with me I'm who she sees as her parent and my house is where she thinks of as home.

Jesus. Yet another selfish and ultimately disappointing man. Sling him on the ever growing heap of failures of men that I read about on here.

I’m really sorry, OP. It will be so much better without this lazy, selfish twat cluttering up the sofa, but it will be a bit of a journey to get there.

So this supposed "reluctance" is a rewriting of history.

He was with the OP for 8 years in their 20s/30s. He had ample time to get out if he didn't like where the relationship was heading.

It's a classic immature reaction to the responsibility of real life.

Absolutely. He's gaslighting you @Keeponmoovin - do NOT believe a word he says.

He is not your friend now. Try to steel your heart against him. He's shwn you what he is - selfish, uncaring for you or his child.

Get all the money you can from him - don't settle for just half. You need more than that in any property settlement.

Good luck - you'll be far better off without him!

“YellowAsteroid · Today 10:03
So this supposed "reluctance" is a rewriting of history.

He was with the OP for 8 years in their 20s/30s. He had ample time to get out if he didn't like where the relationship was heading.

It's a classic immature reaction to the responsibility of real life.”

This with bells on. And this “spark” stuff is also immature BS. He’s let you down incredibly badly and if he has an ounce of anything about him, he should admit that. This is on him. This is his fuck-up. You will be fine. And do make it clear that he has seriously spoiled what should have been a very special time for you. Make sure he pays towards your shared DD.

"agreeing to go along with it"

This stood out for me.

It doesn't sound like he ever wanted the responsibility of marriage and children.

Men will say whatever they think women want to hear if it gets them a lifetime of blow jobs and laundry done.

Stop focussing on the line "went along with it" because that implies the OP forced him into something.
In another post the OP states that he told her kids for him were a "deal breaker" and that they discussed trying for a family "in depth".
Too often we let men off the hook too easily when they do this. He willingly helped to create a child and now the shit has got real he's simply trying to run away. The OP can't do that.

What a pathetic specimen of a man. Not only can he not step up as a man and a father he also blames you for his failure.
He has never grown up and I have zero respect for "men" like this. You are better off on your own.
I brought my DS on my own did a degree on my own and had a successful career. You can too. Start planning your future.

Thanks for all the reassuring comments, it’s good to hear all your opinions as sometimes you do wonder if you were partly to blame or didn’t see the red flags. I think he is very lazy and selfish and I’ve said ‘I hope you live to regret this’. He makes follow up comments like ‘it will be funny if she says dada first’ or ‘take it as a positive to work on a better career and become more ambitious’ it’s so hurtful.

What a bastard.

Ugh, he sounds vile, patronising and utterly self absorbed.
Not sure how him leaving you with a newborn is going to help your career!

Rest assured that as some point in the future he will regret this ridiculous, childish behaviour.

In the meantime, get tough & make sure he pays his share.

Op I'm so sorry, this happened to me but he left at 34 weeks pregnant. A baby he had instigated trying for, and he had proposed about 10 weeks before. He couldn't handle me having expectations of him while I was pregnant and no longer revolving my days around his needs. He just wanted to miss the hard bits that come with a newborn but visit whenever he fancies for cute cuddles and then leave to go and okay video games or go out drinking. He's furious that when baby was 6m I put some boundaries into place.

Baby is a toddler now and of course he's re written history and is on a fathers for justice crusade and now he's moved in with a new girlfriend (who works in a similar helping profession to me!) he's suddenly decided he deserves 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance. He's told the mediator this is so that he gets to experience the bonding at bath and bedtime too (nothing about how baby could benefit or be affected by this sudden new change).

I recommend a book called 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court' xxxx

Oh also my ex also said he felt that I'd trapped him as he left and said 'this will look really bad'

Extremely vindictive (I think he's jealous of you and resentful)

Please be fore warned he will only get worse and nastier and even if there isn't another OW yet there will be soon and he'll do a sob story to her.

She also won't say dada first as you will be with her saying 'mamama' all the time in the mirror and saying 'give it to MAMA' etc. he can teach the d word on his time.

Also op I know you're so vulnerable and hurting so much but after I got counselling I realized how bad the relationship was I was basically his emotional servant and emotional punching bag and he conditioned me to blame myself for everything and hold him accountable for nothing. I think pregnancy can begin to expose this dynamic as we know we deserve to be the special looked after one so we start to advocate for ourselves a little bit.

A year and a half on I can honestly say I'm so so so happy not to be with him, I've dated a nice guy who treated me so well (didn't work out but great to know great guys are out there) and I only have one baby to look after not a giant man baby too xx

What a spineless, sorry excuse for a man. There will be another woman, I'd be 99% certain of it.

It always amuses me when these asshole guys are all ‘I was pressured into getting married and having kids’. What a load of bollocks. They’re rewriting history to make the other party seem like the bad guy. How come men can be pressured into jointly arranging a wedding (a mammoth task even for a small do) and into having unprotected sex (knowing what happens when you do that) BUT can’t be pressured into remembering their family birthdays/ life planning/ chores/ all the stuff that generally falls on women to arrange etc or even changing an empty loo roll.

Sorry you’re married to a selfish prick OP. You need to find a solicitor asap. Don’t let him tell you this is your fault and don’t bend over backwards accommodating his whims. Put yourself and your baby first.

He makes follow up comments like ‘it will be funny if she says dada first’ or ‘take it as a positive to work on a better career and become more ambitious’ it’s so hurtful.

Jesus but that’s so cruel. How can someone be this way?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Im so sorry you went through similar and Im glad you are in a better situation now. It really is terrible of men to treat us this way. I know I will fight back stronger, it’s just so hard atm and my future looks so uncertain.
He gave me his word he will support financially and pay half the mortgage and some bills. It’s just do I trust and take his word? He said he doesn’t want a messy divorce and will always be there for his daughter. Either way I hope I meet someone in the future and realise he did me a favour leaving.