Friendship with school mums

[Katia2511]

This might end up being a long one, but I'd really appreciate some advice please if you can stick with it.

I've been friends with A and B for nearly 3 years, when our boys started reception. They knew each other before and I kind of joined their group. Mine and A's child became best friends and they have a beautiful friendship (this was said by other friends and teachers). However they always play very nicely with B's child too when they are together. We had playdates very often, every other week etc. I thought we were very good friends.

A&B arranged a playdate last year for their 2 boys to bond, without mine in between them, which would have been fine, but it was all done in secret and when I asked what their plans were and if they wanted to join me to the playground, both were very cagey and I only understood why when I saw them leave together to go to A's house. I felt very upset, more for the lying and secrecy, but also because I would never leave anyone out. To make it even worse, I couldn't really avoid them as I had a week long holiday already planned with B and our families and obviously mine and A's child are best friends.

They both apologised, but the trust had been broken and I have never felt at ease with them. I had a chat with B while on holiday, she said she considered me as good as a friend as A, she saw us as equals and I thought it got better with B, mainly as they went to A's house and it was obviously not down to B to invite me to someone else's house.

Roll on to a year later, mine and B's child have been at a holiday camp together, I picked B's child every evening from camp and took him home, and yesterday, I also took him out for dinner and then playdate at mine. The child mentioned he was having a playdate tomorrow with A's child, and when mum came to pick him up, he mentioned having a playdate with A's child and B was a bit flustered and said she hadn't arranged anything yet. It was confirmed to me today that they are indeed having a playdate, the 2 children + another one and again we weren't invited. B did mention having a playdate with one other child, but she did not mention A going to hers too.

AIBU to feel hurt and used? I am very sad that I was good enough to pick her child from camp, take him for dinner and playdate, but not good enough to be invited for a playdate with the other kids? And what hurts most is the lie by omission, I don't understand why she did not mention A going over tomorrow.

I do realise I need to step back from this friendship and I probably considered them more friends than they considered me, but how do I get over this?

@Katia2511

I think 3 way friendships are always tricky, but if A and B want to socialise without you - it’s fine. I think you mentioned that you went on holiday with B, so - similarly A - could have felt left out…
I think you’re ABC - you can be ABC, AB, AC, BC : socialising independently and together.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, agree with that, what bothers me more is the secrecy. When B's child asked if he was having a playdate with A's, why get flustered and say it hadnt been arranged?
And I do feel used after picking her child up all this week and then mine not being invited, especially when she knew we didn't have any plans for tomorrow.

They probably do it in secret because they know you're funny about it. You really need to take a step back and see that they're ok to do this, to have the odd play date without you. Do you never have a play date with just one or the other? Maybe B wants a chance for her kid to play with A's without yours taking A's attention?

Either way, it's coming across as controlling and jealous, sorry. I think you don't at all need to step back, they're obviously good friends of yours. You'll be cutting off your nose and your DCs.

I'm in a group of four mums and we have play dates all of us and mixtures of play dates of just two families. You can't make it an all or nothing situation without it being a bit suffocating and controlling.

Friendships with school mums can be complicated.

I appreciate having mum friends is more important to some people than it is others, but there will be many ebbs and flows as your children go through school and personally I would find this all way too intense.

I would take a big step back. 🙂

I can see why you think I get funny about them meeting up just them, but the reason I got upset the first time was because the three of us were having a chat and I asked what they were doing after school. They both lied to my face sayinf they couldn't join me and I saw them leaving together. They both apologised so obviously they felt guilty, I did not ask them to apologise or anything like that. When I spoke to B, I just told her how hurt I felt about the lying. If she had said yesterday about the playdate, I wouldn't have said anything to her. I would have maybe felt a bit upset, but I would have appreciated the honesty and moved on.

Thanks for the input though, I do feel I am very involved and can't see the situation properly. And no, A's child is mine's best friend, I would never stop them being friends, but I don't have to be friend with the mum.

They don't have to tell you what they're doing.

They don't have to include you.

They aren't even leaving you out. Before the first play date that you were unaware of you had a holiday booked with one!!

Kindly- Not everyone has to come to everything. You would really really stress me out. They aren't doing anything wrong, you aren't the three musketeers. They had a friendship before they even met you.

speaking from experience over the years - take a big step back

People are allowed to socialise with whoever they want, and you should not be offended. You are all still friends, but it is good for kids to socialise with different kids on their own as well as in groups.

I refuse now to do play dates with school mums because frankly it is a bloody nightmare.

Thank you, I do feel better. I think I am still hurt by the lying and i don't see things properly.

However I don't agree with them not having to tell me they meet up in the context where we were chatting at coffee about what they were doing on Friday. I thought that's what friends did, otherwise we're just aquantancies, not friends. Or maybe I understand friendship differently 🤷‍♀️

I agree with the poster who says playdates can be a bloody nightmare - particularly if you are in a 3. There is a lot of emotional investment, and I’m not sure I like the term ‘best friend’ as it means one isn’t - and will feel left out when that term is used. I would detach - and yes, accept that friendships change over time. A change in past connections open the door to new connections. I swore I wouldn’t get too involved in ‘playdates’ when my second child started school, but lo and behold am now in a situation I’m trying to detach from! The great thing is that your child knows how to socialise and sounds like he is managing fine in school. I don’t think the outside school stuff is that important, as they are with each other in school every day anyway!

They knew each other before and I kind of joined their group.

It sounds like they knew each other before the boys started reception class & they have included you lots. You're even going on holiday with family B. Maybe A feels left out of that?

Honestly you sound really controlling. I presume if you got told that they were meeting up then you would expect to get included.

Your child & child B are doing summer camp together & so it's healthy for them to meet up with another child.

They probably won't even be in touch by the time they are Year 7 🤷🏻‍♀️

So if you and A’s sons were best friends, did you never arrange 1:1 play dates with them leaving out B? Do think they didn’t tell you bc they knew you’d over-react? Perhaps they find you full-on and difficult to interact with as you sound pretty intense.

Why did you go on holiday with B and not A? Presumably A didn’t mind or make you feel bad for doing this.

The funny thing about this is that if you weren’t so invested in the friendship and genuinely didn’t care who met up with who you’d probably all still be friends. I’m not being judgmental because adult friendships are sometimes difficult to navigate and many of us have been in your situation, but it would definitely help to have other friendships and other things going on so there’s not so many eggs in a vulnerable basket

Op it sounds like they don't tell you because they are worried about your reaction. Kindly ,have a think about why you feel like this and where it is coming from. You sound like you have a 2 good friendships here but will wreck it if you try and control what others do.Its OK for others to see each other alone and they don't have to run everything by you.

Agree that they don’t tell you as they are worried about your reaction and you are shooting yourself in the foot at the moment. . As others have pointed out you went in holiday with one which means A got left out. They were welcoming and let you into an established friendship but you are now making things a bit awkward seeing issues that aren’t there.

This all sounds way too intense and you are taking it all far too personally. They are allowed to have playdates without your child, and with whoever they want to! The only reason they “lie about it” is probably because they know you will get upset.

I am friends with 2 class mums whose kids are friends with mine. Sometimes we meet all together, sometimes two will meet up. It’s absolutely fine and it’s not a personal slight against me or my child.

Besides, you even went on holiday with one of the families. Why didn’t you invite the other family too, if you think everyone should be invited to everything?

I think you are going to have a long and hard road ahead if you are going to get so personally involved in school friendships. For your own sanity, please take a step back and chill out.

They’re school gate mum friends. This will change over time as your kids make new friends, move into different classes, make friends from hobbies, etc. and then it will all be over by year 6 when they start walking to school with their friends. If you’re lucky you will hang on to a few. This friendship group you’re in sounds very intense.

People are allowed to see each other without you and that’s ok. It would be worthwhile you widening your circle so you don’t feel the need to be this invested. I’d be mortified having to explain to someone that I saw them as an equal best friend because it doesn’t work like that as an adult. You don’t need to be a ‘bestie’ for validation. Not inviting you to something doesn’t mean they don’t like you but they are old friends who might fancy a catch up by themselves.

Maybe they feel you are questioning them?, they are not doing anything wrong

I have been in a similar situation OP where I found mum friends not telling me they were having playdates with others in our group and I wondered why they just didn’t say and why they were secretive.
It could be the child is asking to hang out with the other child and not yours, it could be the parents simply want an opportunity to hang out just the two of them for whatever reason. Whatever it is I agree with previous posters, take a step back and just do your own thing?!

I very much understand feeling sensitive about being ' left out' but you need to stop looking for problems as you are making yourself unhappy unnecessarily and probably ironically starting to push them away by being tense about it (I'm saying this kindly as i know there have been times ive done this, looking back - it's almost a self fulfilling prophesy).

It's nice to not always do everything as a 3. Indeed, I find hosting a bigger group much harder and would probably not have anyone round at all if I thought ' if I invite A, I have to invite B' everytime. And the children might prefer to play one on one sometimes. And I know you say it's the lying that puts you off not the meeting separately but that doesn't ring true. Surely it's tact and manners just to say you are busy and not elaborate on your plans if they are plans the person asking has not been invited to. That's what I taught the kids re party invites etc anyway! Friends don't have to justify every second of their life to you - that would be suffocating.

Also, it sounds like your child and B spend a lot of time together routinely, so it's not surprising if he or the mum chooses other friends who they have seen less of that week for a playdate. I find that happens with my son. He has a group of 4 friends, and one he sees a lot as we share pick ups and drop offs to an extracurricular and build in time at each others houses to that, and the mum likes him to be social so invites my son around casually a lot. So then if I ask my son if he wants to invite anyone around at other times he most often says one of the other two because he hasn't seen them out of school as much. And I like him to have a bigger group not just rely on one friend too. That seems particularly relevant if they've just done a holiday club together, been on holiday together etc.

Please don't push these people away by overthinking it.

I have two friendship groups of three in my life. The first I was best friends with someone and she had a good friendship with someone else and we merged.

The other we all met as new mums, they became close and I kind of tagged on. Me and one of those mums are now very close.

The key to a three friendship working is not being jealous if the others meet up with out you.

In your situation A and B were friends before they met you so yes understandable they have a separate friendship. You and A have a bond of the closeness of your children. You and B have become close. All this can work together and separately.

But them arranging to meet behind your back is not cool. And lying to you. That is the part I'd have issue with.

Just out of interest how was A about you and B going away together? You mentioned meeting with B separately, do you ever meet with A separately. ?

They don't tell you because you think your DC should be included and they want a playdate just for the two of them. There is nothing wrong with that and to see them being tactful about it as 'secrecy and lying' is way too dramatic. Your son is doing loads with his best friend where the other boy, who knew him first, is not included. They're being okay about that and just want some time now and then together. That is absolutely fine and for you to have any issue with it feels like you're too sensitive about this set-up. Accept that a group of three will have different combos and that the two mums who knew each other first have their own dynamic without you sometimes and it's not personal. Don't be ascribing nefarious motives to politeness or passing on your unrealistic expectations to your son. He doesn't get to do everything with his friend and that shouldn't be a big deal. It's three people and no one is at the centre of it.

But in honesty, would you have been fine with it or reacted to "being left out"? Lying is never great, but they may well have been trying to avoid that.

Exactly this. It sounds like you are worried about your social circle and / or your child’s. The best thing to do, especially as you must be getting into Y3/4 now, is follow your child’s lead about who he wants to invite over or spend time with, and likewise spend time yourself with friends whose company you enjoy.

People mix and mingle with one another. Not everyone is included in everything. It’s ok.

Sounds like you could have a great friendship here but some insecurity in yourself is rising up to ruin it for you. They are not leaving your boy or you out. They can meet when they like . Maybe arrange for your ds to have a different child over or begin to mix more with different mom's. They lied..as already said..because they knew you wouldn't like it. If your reaction was normal this would not have happened. A word of warning..I found school mom friendships can ease up as kids get older and you end up going your separate ways as kids sort their own stuff. Make your own friends aside from the kids and you will have them for life.
But any mom/ child can meet up any time they like wherever they want. Make it clear by your actions to those women that you are perfectly happy with that so the secrecy can stop.

I don't think friends are fake or taking advantage of you if they sometimes socialize 1 on 1 you sound a bit controlling here. Don't you ever like 1:1 catch ups?

I would leave it or they'll avoid you as you make them feel weird