Friendship with school mums

[Katia2511]

This might end up being a long one, but I'd really appreciate some advice please if you can stick with it.

I've been friends with A and B for nearly 3 years, when our boys started reception. They knew each other before and I kind of joined their group. Mine and A's child became best friends and they have a beautiful friendship (this was said by other friends and teachers). However they always play very nicely with B's child too when they are together. We had playdates very often, every other week etc. I thought we were very good friends.

A&B arranged a playdate last year for their 2 boys to bond, without mine in between them, which would have been fine, but it was all done in secret and when I asked what their plans were and if they wanted to join me to the playground, both were very cagey and I only understood why when I saw them leave together to go to A's house. I felt very upset, more for the lying and secrecy, but also because I would never leave anyone out. To make it even worse, I couldn't really avoid them as I had a week long holiday already planned with B and our families and obviously mine and A's child are best friends.

They both apologised, but the trust had been broken and I have never felt at ease with them. I had a chat with B while on holiday, she said she considered me as good as a friend as A, she saw us as equals and I thought it got better with B, mainly as they went to A's house and it was obviously not down to B to invite me to someone else's house.

Roll on to a year later, mine and B's child have been at a holiday camp together, I picked B's child every evening from camp and took him home, and yesterday, I also took him out for dinner and then playdate at mine. The child mentioned he was having a playdate tomorrow with A's child, and when mum came to pick him up, he mentioned having a playdate with A's child and B was a bit flustered and said she hadn't arranged anything yet. It was confirmed to me today that they are indeed having a playdate, the 2 children + another one and again we weren't invited. B did mention having a playdate with one other child, but she did not mention A going to hers too.

AIBU to feel hurt and used? I am very sad that I was good enough to pick her child from camp, take him for dinner and playdate, but not good enough to be invited for a playdate with the other kids? And what hurts most is the lie by omission, I don't understand why she did not mention A going over tomorrow.

I do realise I need to step back from this friendship and I probably considered them more friends than they considered me, but how do I get over this?

Thanks everyone for their input. Of course A could have come on holiday with all of us, she did not want to. It was not organised in secret.

My judgement is probably coulded by the first time I was lied to by them. Regardless of the kids, I considered them my friends too.

Yes, we all have met before AB AC and BC, but I have never felt like I needed to lie about it. And if they are scared of my reaction, then they probably don't know me.that well and as I said previously, they don't consider me a food friend, which is absolutely fine.
By taking a step back, I don't mean not talking to them, but treat them more like aquantances and mum friends, rather than my friends.

Imma hold your hand while I say this….but you’re my idea of a nightmare friend! The reason they’re not telling you is because you’re an ‘intergrator’.

They’ll have mentioned doing something, and you’ll insert yourself/DC into the plans - which is absolutely fine, but if they want to do things just them (which you’re fine to do when it’s just them and you as a two btw) they know if they mention it you’ll say you’re coming and it’s harder for them to say no, we want it just us.

Why is ok for it to be ABC/AC/BC but never AB?

You need to stop showing your upset over them meeting up as they’ll start to do it more often in total secret and you’ll be cut out….relax and make other friendships so you have other options

You said they were already friends before you met them, so you shouldn't be surprised that they have a friendship together that's separate from your group friendship.
I think you're being really sensitive and they've picked up on this, so the secrecy you mention is actually them feeling awkward about your reaction.

Op come on you have really got to chill out about others meeting up without you you will drive yourself mad! How have you really never come across this before?!

Dramatic heart to hearts about your child not being invited on a play date! Am cringing for you,

Friendship doesn’t need to involve total transparency about all actions, especially not when you are clearly hyper-vigilant about ‘being left out’. I understand why they’re awkward about it.

Your child being invited on a play date is not some ‘reward’ for services rendered, or a sign of strength of friendship. I think you should try to disentangle your own friendship with A and B from your children’s interactions.

They are still your lovely friends don’t step back. Believe me your lads will be enormous young men heading off on gap years without a backward glance in the blink of an eye and you will hopefully be left with your lovely friends. Dont get huffy. It’s fine for them to meet up without you and you them

I don't think people understand why I am upset about this. I never said it wasn't fine for them to meet up without me, as you all said, they knew each other before and they live closer to one another too, so I get I won't always be with them.
But I was really hurt when I asked them what their plans were and they lied to me. And no, I was questioning them about their plans, it was a general conversation type 'oh so what's your plans for Friday?'
Would I have been a bit upset to know about it? Yes, maybe, but I would have never dreamed to show it or pull them up on it in anyway as it wasn't my business. I would have been upset for 1 min and then shrugged and accepted I don't have to be invited to everything.

When my DC 1 went to school there was a lot of SAHMs and they all socialised a lot
I worked part time so was out of the loop a bit which was fine
Over the years there were some big fall outs and drama which ended up in lots of people not speaking to each other
I was glad then not to have been involved and to be able to pass the time of day with all of them
Made no difference to my DC who developed their own friendships

Maybe be less available and see more of your older friends

Step back. Find other friends independent of your child.

It's really not fair on your ds if their friendships are complicated or pressured by your friendships with the parents.

Keep them separate.

Cultivate new friends.

And please don't do all the picking up ever again for someone. I know you're really nice and obliging but there are lots of users out there. Be more discerning.

You still seem overinvested for the situation

I don't think you will ever get exactly what you want in friends

Would suggest as a few mums mentioned earlier to take a step back.. I had same sort of problems when my kids where at primary school. Now teenagers they organise their own things and it’s great!
try to talk to other parents and make new friends

It all sounds very intense. My son is going into year 3 and is in a group of 3 friends. They all play together but sometimes he just asks if one friend can come round. That's ok- the dynamics are different between two and three.

It sounds like they're worried about your reaction especially after the first time.

You need to separate your friendships and your children's.

The child mentioned he was having a playdate tomorrow with A's child, and when mum came to pick him up, he mentioned having a playdate with A's child and B was a bit flustered and said she hadn't arranged anything yet. It was confirmed to me today that they are indeed having a playdate, the 2 children + another one and again we weren't invited. B did mention having a playdate with one other child, but she did not mention A going to hers too.

Read this back to yourself OP. Can you see how petty you sound? I know you feel betrayed but you need to keep this in perspective. To me it sounds like they don't publicise their meet ups because they're aware how sensitive you are.

My children are adults with their own children now, but I well remember those 'mum friend' days. Mum friends are generally in your life for a season, not a lifetime (although I do have 2 or 3 who I'd still call friends), so try to enjoy this time for what it is and these friendships for what they are. One of the best life lessons I learned about friendships is to lower your expectations - take from them the bits you enjoy - the memories, the adventures, the laughs but don't get over invested and set up expectations that others can only fail to meet.

These sound like beneficial friendships for this stage of your and your child's life - lots of playdates, family holidays, coffee mornings. Embrace it for what it is and don't over analyse. You'll be so much happier as a result.

Well, for whatever reason, two people who know you feel differently, and appear to think your likely reaction merits a cover-up. Assuming they’re not usually liars or chronically secretive, and that these are people you know well and are genuinely fond of, I’d be asking myself why this was.

Dont put all your friendship eggs in one basket, regardless. See other friends, too.

You keep saying that they lied to you. I suppose technically it is a lie of omission. They had their own friendship before you came along. They don’t have to tell you or anyone anything else if they decide to meet on their own.

We've addressed the 'lying and secrecy' reasons for your upset too and you're making too much of it. Even you say you'd be upset so they've erred on the side of trying not to upset you. To cling to this aspect as a righteous reason to be more upset is looking for problems and vindication.

What if they'd been honest and you'd asked if you could join them? Which sounds like they could reasonably expect, and they want their time together without having to feel awkward about it. Honestly, just stop looking for reasons to be upset. Your DC has a good friendship group, you're close enough to go on holiday with a school mum. You do a lot together. Finding slights in amongst it is way too intense and suggests they had reason to be careful how they handle things.

Kindly, you sound like a very intense person. I'd struggle to maintain a friendship to someone who got upset if they weren't asked to join every social activity. Maybe A and B want some time together alone to catch up from time to time. They're not excluding you.

Work on your insecurities, and you'll have much healthier relationships with people.

I think that’s fair, @pinkdelight, and @AlderGirl alsp makes a good point about them having been friends with one another before you came along. It’s natural to want to continue that, and to have occasional play dates where it’s just their two children. One thing is pretty clear, though. You’re risking ending the trio friendship with your insecure behaviour.

I do have other friends and I also know about them meeting up without me and arranging playdates and it never bothers me.
But yes, I probably feel more secure in those friendships because I wasn't lied to, and I know where I stand.
I will step back and also look at myself too, as someone said, if they are both worried about my reaction, maybe it is me indeed!

Can you start by not keep calling it being lied to? Save that for something that really matters.

In the nicest possible way OP, you're exactly the reason why I keep my distance from other school mums and make my friendships elsewhere. Don't risk affecting your child's experience of school/friends by creating a bad atmosphere with their parents, or before you know it you'll be on here crying when your DC isn't invited to X's birthday party, and so on.

I do get this feels very trivial and it is in the grand scheme of things, very middle class problems! So yeah, need to get over myself and move on!
I need to clarify though that I would have not invited myself to someone's house if they had told me they were meeting up, who does that?
And when B said she considered me and A on the same level, it was her reply to me saying what everyone else said here, that I understand they were friends before I joined and that I totally get they will meet up without me.

Take Smyths excellent advice. Massively lower your expectations of friends. They are there for fun and good times don’t spoil what sounds like a lovely vibe for your insecurity and envy. I say this kindly as I used to be like you and forced myself not to be and my life is better for it.

I never made a single friend at the school gate - yet many through work and extended family and neighbours.
Trust your gut and take a step back.
Sometimes the only thing you have in common is your children are friends- and that also may change.
Unless you enjoy the drama ?

Bless you, I understand why you felt upset. I get it.

Its hard sometimes but I think you've had some great advice. I can feel this way too but I listen to mums with older kids and think yes, in a few years they'll be making their own plans so that makes me feel better. Primary can be hard but even if it upsets you, game face on and smile!