Friendship with school mums

[Katia2511]

This might end up being a long one, but I'd really appreciate some advice please if you can stick with it.

I've been friends with A and B for nearly 3 years, when our boys started reception. They knew each other before and I kind of joined their group. Mine and A's child became best friends and they have a beautiful friendship (this was said by other friends and teachers). However they always play very nicely with B's child too when they are together. We had playdates very often, every other week etc. I thought we were very good friends.

A&B arranged a playdate last year for their 2 boys to bond, without mine in between them, which would have been fine, but it was all done in secret and when I asked what their plans were and if they wanted to join me to the playground, both were very cagey and I only understood why when I saw them leave together to go to A's house. I felt very upset, more for the lying and secrecy, but also because I would never leave anyone out. To make it even worse, I couldn't really avoid them as I had a week long holiday already planned with B and our families and obviously mine and A's child are best friends.

They both apologised, but the trust had been broken and I have never felt at ease with them. I had a chat with B while on holiday, she said she considered me as good as a friend as A, she saw us as equals and I thought it got better with B, mainly as they went to A's house and it was obviously not down to B to invite me to someone else's house.

Roll on to a year later, mine and B's child have been at a holiday camp together, I picked B's child every evening from camp and took him home, and yesterday, I also took him out for dinner and then playdate at mine. The child mentioned he was having a playdate tomorrow with A's child, and when mum came to pick him up, he mentioned having a playdate with A's child and B was a bit flustered and said she hadn't arranged anything yet. It was confirmed to me today that they are indeed having a playdate, the 2 children + another one and again we weren't invited. B did mention having a playdate with one other child, but she did not mention A going to hers too.

AIBU to feel hurt and used? I am very sad that I was good enough to pick her child from camp, take him for dinner and playdate, but not good enough to be invited for a playdate with the other kids? And what hurts most is the lie by omission, I don't understand why she did not mention A going over tomorrow.

I do realise I need to step back from this friendship and I probably considered them more friends than they considered me, but how do I get over this?

My sons are older now but when they were young I became very close friends with some of the school moms. As the years went by those friendships became less intense and we went onto make new friends. There are a few I still keep in regular contact with, but I think of them all fondly and am very pleased when I run into them and we can catch up. Grown up friendships are hard sometimes

You sound a bit too protective over your friendships. People can spend time with whoever they want to and it doesn’t necessarily diminish your relationship with them. It’s healthy to see a range of people and for kids to see a range of friends. You don’t have to be invited to everything. They probably lied as a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to hurt your feelings – it’s not the worst crime. And I can see they avoid telling you now because you continue to react so badly.

You may lose friends altogether if you continue to have this mindset so be careful.

Thank you, this is how I feel. They probably see me more of an acquaintance than a friend and i have probably invested more than I should have in this friendship. I am not going to say anything to them because I agree they are free to meet up whenever they want to, but I will start treating them as acquaintances too and I won't be so available for childcare as I used to be.

And to those people saying they don't have to tell me, yes, that's fine. But we met up for a coffee a few days before and we were discussing our plans as a chit chat, why lie then? If she was so worried about my reaction, why be friends with me and trust me with her child? I am just a normal person, I would have kicked off about it.

YANBU. They are acting like teenagers and of course you're hurt. Agree it's time to emotionally step back and leave them to their games.

If I was friends with them I would just say something like guys, kid told me you are having a play date with x tomorrow, have a good time! Or, depending on the conversation, no need to feel awkward. I might even say, sorry if I sounds weird I just noticed you're keeping it under wraps, of course it's fine if we see friends independently! If they're your friends then surely there's a way to just speak to them about it.

Hi OP. It’s clear from your replies that you’re very intense in your friendships and that would put me off being friends with you to be honest, as I prefer something more casual.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or with me but that our preferences are very different.

I have lots of casual friends I’ve made via school mums, hobbies, work connections etc. and this suits me perfectly. However, I don’t do ‘best friends’ as I don’t want or need that level of commitment.

I’m guessing they see you in the category of school mum friend and maybe don’t want a deeper friendship with you? Can you try and accept that and understand that it’s not a poor reflection of them or of you but that we don’t all want the same thing?

Great advice. Keep a distance. Fallouts over kids not worth it. My neighbours son started blanking my daughter they 18. Im putting it down to jealousy she got good exam results. I dont get too close to people now.

Why is it secrecy? These are just plans to which you aren’t invited. This means you too can make plans without permission from A or B… with either. Personally what you’re describing sounds like a clique. I’d purposefully make plans with D, E and F, remember you’re an adult, not a child, it’s fine for everyone to play with different combinations of adults/kids.

It’s very good for children to have a break from each other. If your son is with B’s lad at holiday club, it’s definitely a good thing to see different friends on days off. Too much time together and even the best of friends start to bicker.

You describe DS and A’s son as best friends, almost in love. A may very wisely see this as a bit unhealthily intense - when arguments inevitably occur, they can be pretty devastating in intense friendships.

With those two boys so close, that leaves B’s boy on the periphery. It makes sense for them to arrange play dates where he isn’t a third wheel.

A and B are clearly dancing around the issue as it’s plain you feel unhappy with it. They aren’t lying so much as avoiding the subject or skirting around it. Sometimes it’s nice to be a pair. That can feel hurtful to the third person in the group, but that doesn’t mean there’s any malice.

However you want to come across, it’s obvious A and B think you will react poorly to not being included. The fact you raised the subject with B is a red flag that you do feel insecure in your friendship with them.

This will become a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you pull back your expectations and intensity.

This is probably exactly what happened, so yes, seeing them in the school mum friends category rather than close friends helps.

You have a good relationship with both and definitely beyond aquaintences/school mum friends.

Realistically there is no way to tell you the plans without inviting you, it would be rude. As there are no fall outs/problems i would assume they wanted some time together without you and your ds and that is not an insult.

Perhaps the one child who is not best friends does feel left out. Perhaps one of the mums has a problem they arent ready to share further than initial friend a health or family problem for example. There are many many reasons the other two would want to catch up without you but isnt anything against you.

@Katia2511

Sorry, I was a bit blunt in my previous post. I didn't mean I wouldn't want to be friends with you as you sound like a lovely person. You'd definitely be a mum friend and I'm sure you'll make lots more mum friends via your child's activities too. If you want a deeper friendship, I'm sure you'll find it.

I was simply making the distinction between having mum friends related to our kids and something more like bestie buddies.

Oops name change fail. 😂

You are closer to A but webt on holiday with B.

Was A bothered by this?

Feel your pain but that's life I'm afraid. Its not really about you its about them. And yes it is hard to swallow.

You're going to end up getting pushed out as you don't seen to be able to let things go. Even on here you're coming across as pretty intense.

You need to get in the habit of shrugging your shoulders and not assuming it’s personal. I know it’s hard but this will only get worse as the kids get older. You have to have a thick skin. If you’re not easy going you will find even less play dates come your way and your child will suffer. I would try to branch out to some other friendships as well so you’re not hyper focused on these two.

They lied because you get upset and they didn’t want to upset you.
I get how you feel as I’ve been a similiar situation before. Maybe they want to spend 1:1 time together. You need to let it go if you want to maintain the friendship.

She wants you to help her with her childcare arrangements and it’s not a true friendship.
I’ve got many mum friends who I chat to occasionally and we help each other out but I wouldn’t call them good friends.

I think the responses are a bit harsh on you. The crooks for me are that, regardless of A inviting B or C to whatever, you’ve gone out your way to pick the kid up and have tea, make the effort for a play date. The other mother has not reciprocated - it’s all to her own gain - and not even invited your child as a thanks. Sounds like a bit of a user to me. Only you know how strong your friendship is but I can’t grasp why she could extend the invitation. Odd.

"And to those people saying they don't have to tell me, yes, that's fine. But we met up for a coffee a few days before and we were discussing our plans as a chit chat, why lie then? If she was so worried about my reaction, why be friends with me and trust me with her child? I am just a normal person, I would have kicked off about it."

I think people can be more likely to "trust (you) with their child" than necessarily want to be friends with you. They can see if you're a responsible parent, without loving your company. Sometimes I used to let that happen if the child was a good friend of one of my dc. Conversely, I had a parent pursue one of mine because she was worried about her dd not having a range of girl friends. I never felt that much at ease with the mother, though we could easily chat if we had to, but my dd and hers were close for a while so I let her invite mine over a lot, because, why not?

This feels extremely intense. These women are their own people, and they don’t have to share all of their plans with you. They’re your friends, not your partner. Id be quite annoyed if my friend was on my case about me telling them about my plans, or plans with other people.
Im sorry the situation has upset you OP, truly. But I don’t believe they’re in the wrong for wanting to spend time with eachother, their children spend time with eachother, and not have to run their plans past other people first.