Pls give opinion....Do I WAIT this out or not??

[lovenotwar149]

Ok, thanks in advance for reading this...many thanks!
Pretty anxious atm about this. Any , ANY thoughts are welcome.....

I am due to visit my eldest son tomorrow for the afternoon. He's 30 btw. I will be hopping on a coach (FYI - 4.5 hrs plus 1 hr to get to the coach station x2 incl return journey) . Have done this day trip a fair few times now since my son moved to this new place 4 yrs ago. I (we) also go and stay in a hotel occasionally too if doing an overnight stay. We meet every 3/4 months lets say.

Re tomorrow , I messaged 2 wks ago to ask if he was up to meeting for lunch on 15th Aug and if so I would pop up for the afternoon like I do s'times. He replied with a yes and thumbs up. All gd. I didn't do my usual , interestingly, with all info included in my text i.e. arrival /leaving time etc. This of course needs to be communicated. I have a hurt/gripe/criticism in terms of his communication , have posted on here about it recently actually , as in I dont hear from him unless I initiate it whether that be a msg/call/visit. He last visited last Dec. I didn't realise until y'day that times haven't been communicated between us for tomorrow. My Q is....shall I wait to see if he msgs /calls about tomorrow rather than do that myself? If I want a pattern of behaviour to change within this dynamic , surely I need to change what I keep on doing to get a different outcome? This is an opportunity for him to step forward ...no?
P.S. I can't wait to see him!

Send the details, frustrating as it is it’s the way he is but it wouldn’t hurt telling him this when you see him

yes my son

we dont talk that often. I have msgd him once since then with a dog video b/c we were dog sitting

no its not true ,I call, msg, email, text regularly

not daily, he wouldn't like that AT ALL

he s'times doesn't open WhatsApp for many days at a time

Visiting each other every three months when you live several hours’ distance apart doesn’t seem unusual or indicative of a poor relationship. He just sounds like not much of a text communicator - and, if the lives of my parents versus my life are anything to go by, he’s probably a lot busier and has a lot more in his plate to think about than you do, and text messages fall by the wayside a bit if not time critical. Pick up the phone when you want a chat, rather than getting hurt that he doesn’t respond to text messages exactly as you want him to.

so… pick up the bloomin phone if you want to visit your son

You know u could spk a bit more kindly

I am respecting his space. He doesn't like being called too many times . He communicated this to me several yrs ago and I took it on board

he's very lovely when I meet him

If I want a pattern of behaviour to change within this dynamic , surely I need to change what I keep on doing to get a different outcome? This is an opportunity for him to step forward ...no?

I doubt your son will change his communication approach if this you have always been the instigator.

Why don’t you talk to him OP? Explain that it would be nice to hear from him once in a while?

Does he actually want to meet up? It sounds like he's perhaps not that bothered if he's not already messaged you asking for details?

I personally wouldn't spend 5.5 hours each way travelling to see someone who hasn't asked what time I'm getting there.

I didn't do my usual , interestingly, with all info included in my text i.e. arrival /leaving time etc. This of course needs to be communicated.

Surely your pre-arrival text just needs to say “Hi Bruce, just to let you know my coach gets in to Skegness bus station at 10:00 tomorrow. I’ll see you there / find a coffee shop to wait in and let you know where” rather than masses of detail he needs to respond to?

Shallysally

I did talk to him about this a month ago I think. He listened well. I asked him if I could make a request ..can u call me occasionally too , it would then feel more balanced, I explained. He said he would

Just call him, tell him you forgot to WhatsApp the time you would be arriving and say, “can’t wait to see you”.
I visit family in London and they would expect me to let them know when I would be arriving.
I don’t understand your hesitation in doing this.

DC's get focused and busy with their own lives while in the background thinking they must contact their parent sometime. Although thought is given, the action can fall by the wayside. That's pretty normal tbh, I don't think you have much to gain from refusing to contact him. Does it really matter that you instigate things first, as long as he responds positively? It's not the same as a romantic relationship, so 50/50 is probably not a realistic aim.
I think send him planned times, maybe state you need conformation that the plans are OK for it to happen, that should prompt a reply from him.

Surely your pre-arrival text just needs to say “Hi Bruce, just to let you know my coach gets in to Skegness bus station at 10:00 tomorrow. I’ll see you there / find a coffee shop to wait in and let you know where” rather than masses of detail he needs to respond to?

I agree, thats all it would say. My point is...since I left this part out of my original text, different to what I usually do, does this not provide an opportunity for him to wonder 'mmm, let me msg my mum, and see what time we're meeting?'

No!

no ...what no?

Enjoying the time together is a given, this has happened every time we meet

No!
why are you trying to manipulate him.
just tell him the time you are arriving and stop messing around

he is now… 30. He won’t change.

I disagree

why are you trying to manipulate him.

I dont believe I am doing this, certainly not consciously

you have tried multiple times to change him

I am trying to change the dynamic, not HIM.

I go, I text, I WhatsApp, I send photos...he responds