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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pls give opinion....Do I WAIT this out or not??

82 replies

lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 11:49

Ok, thanks in advance for reading this...many thanks!
Pretty anxious atm about this. Any , ANY thoughts are welcome.....

I am due to visit my eldest son tomorrow for the afternoon. He's 30 btw. I will be hopping on a coach (FYI - 4.5 hrs plus 1 hr to get to the coach station x2 incl return journey) . Have done this day trip a fair few times now since my son moved to this new place 4 yrs ago. I (we) also go and stay in a hotel occasionally too if doing an overnight stay. We meet every 3/4 months lets say.

Re tomorrow , I messaged 2 wks ago to ask if he was up to meeting for lunch on 15th Aug and if so I would pop up for the afternoon like I do s'times. He replied with a yes and thumbs up. All gd. I didn't do my usual , interestingly, with all info included in my text i.e. arrival /leaving time etc. This of course needs to be communicated. I have a hurt/gripe/criticism in terms of his communication , have posted on here about it recently actually , as in I dont hear from him unless I initiate it whether that be a msg/call/visit. He last visited last Dec. I didn't realise until y'day that times haven't been communicated between us for tomorrow. My Q is....shall I wait to see if he msgs /calls about tomorrow rather than do that myself? If I want a pattern of behaviour to change within this dynamic , surely I need to change what I keep on doing to get a different outcome? This is an opportunity for him to step forward ...no?
P.S. I can't wait to see him!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:11

so why are you even considering cancelling given he’s behaving exactly as he always has done re virtual comm!!

CANCELLING? im not even considering that

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:12

Yes I want him to be involved in this meet up...whats wrong with that

OP posts:
AllrightNowBaby · 14/08/2024 12:13

I’m so confused with this thread

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:13

I am going to see him..I cant wait. I have visited a number of time for an afternoon lunch. It goes vERY well. I want the dynamic to change. Rather than ,...I call, I msg, I email, I send photos etc Once in a while it would be soooo nice, sooo nice if I received. call/msg/email from him too

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:14

ok np thanks fr replying anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:15

I just wanted some advice, not a telling off

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:16

not advice , other pals thoughts...but I didn't want a telling off

OP posts:
2AND2GC · 14/08/2024 12:23

No, darling.

Don't overthink it, just text him the info.

He won't have the first clue that there is any sort of test going on here and it's unfair to expect him to do something differently from what has always worked between you.

If you're unhappy with the amount of communication with/ attention you get from your son then you could speak to him when you're together. But, personally, I wouldn't. There's a chance that he could perceive this is 'nagging' and want to be LESS involved with you, moving forwards, because seeing you = he feels bad about himself.

In any case, my gut feeling is it's unlikely to ever change. He's probably got a busy life and this is just how he is.

Just enjoy the visit for what it is and come home with a full heart.

Wish you safe travelling and a lovely time.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:26

I just called ,no ans, I left a loving & warm msg about how excited I am to see him.... b/c I am. I will wait patiently for him to either msg or return my call...thats will be his choice.

The dynamic b'tween us is such that I do pretty much ALL the initiating in our communication. If I dont get in touch I really dont know if I will hear from him.i kinda wanna find out, Does he actually WANT to see me? I really wonder s'times

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:27

Just enjoy the visit for what it is and come home with a full heart.

Wish you safe travelling and a lovely time.

I come home every time with a full heart, every time. thank u

OP posts:
verywellbehaved · 14/08/2024 12:27

I'd be really hurt in your position so I understand your point.
Does he send birthday/mother day cards and gifts for you? Or show any appreciation for anything you do?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:29

verywellbehaved

thank u for your empathy, its appreciated.

Yes he does show appreciation in that way. He buys me a gift for my bday and calls on m day too

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:30

its just the weeks on end while he is where he is , over 300 miles away . of not hearing anything from him that bothers me

OP posts:
Marseillaise · 14/08/2024 12:30

You could be shooting yourself in the foot here. He might have concluded that the whole thing is off as you have sent no details, and committed to something else.

You might also get better responses if you didn't use text speak in your posts. You're effectively telling us all that we're not worth a bit of effort on your part.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:31

You're effectively telling us all that we're not worth a bit of effort on your part.

Not at all , not at all. I REALLy appreciate pals replies

OP posts:
itsmabeline · 14/08/2024 12:32

He sounds very low effort and like he's not bothered if you meet up or not.

As you are bothered, you call him.

In general if you don't like how he communicates you should say this to him and listen to his answer.
What is his reason?

ChickenTikkaKebabs · 14/08/2024 12:33

You can only change the dynamics by changing YOUR behaviour.

You can't change other people's.

I know he's an adult BUT 'children' learn from their parents, to an extent.

If you don't communicate openly with him, why should he with you?

Honestly you're making a meal out of this.

You need to tell him your ETA and take it from there.

I also think it's commendable to travel 5.5 hours each way to see him. He must live at least 200 miles away.

I'd not do that without staying overnight and making it a mini-break.

Because in reality you'll have lunch then get the coach home again.

ChickenTikkaKebabs · 14/08/2024 12:35

lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:31

You're effectively telling us all that we're not worth a bit of effort on your part.

Not at all , not at all. I REALLy appreciate pals replies

Just a reminder- if you quote other posters' words, put them in bold or italics as it's sometimes unclear when you're quoting.

ChickenTikkaKebabs · 14/08/2024 12:37

lovenotwar149 · 14/08/2024 12:26

I just called ,no ans, I left a loving & warm msg about how excited I am to see him.... b/c I am. I will wait patiently for him to either msg or return my call...thats will be his choice.

The dynamic b'tween us is such that I do pretty much ALL the initiating in our communication. If I dont get in touch I really dont know if I will hear from him.i kinda wanna find out, Does he actually WANT to see me? I really wonder s'times

What's the set up?
Does he live alone?
Does he rent/ own his home?
How long has he lived so far away?

Is he neurodiverse in any way?

There's got to be a back story to this.

Are you a single parent and where is his father?

Titsonboard · 14/08/2024 12:41

I have 2 adult sons who both live near me, one will phone at least once a week ( so I hardly need to phone / text him) we see him once a fortnight, the other never phones we hardly ever meet up ( his choice I just message him every now and then to check he’s doing okay) ) I love them both the same and I think ( hope) they both love me they are just different kinds of personality. I don’t waste my time wishing one was more like the other I just respect the way they both communicate and adapt my communication style accordingly.

Mum2Fergus · 14/08/2024 12:43

In the almost an hour you have wasted on this thread you could have phoned him and sorted this...you're both adults, why does it matter who makes the first move.

Freeme31 · 14/08/2024 12:46

OP is it possible to FaceTime him instead of texting i often FaceTime my children who don't live at home. I find it easier but yes it's usually me that instigates all calls I don't think (like your son) they are unhappy to hear from me they are just so caught up in their own lives. When you meet up perhaps you should say you miss him and could you FaceTime from no on ? It might help

glitches78 · 14/08/2024 12:52

Just call him leave a message if he doenst answer and drop a text and say 'I've left a message just incase you don't get it my plans are xxxxx can you let me know you've got this' you are seriously making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I have two sons. If they want sleeting they'll message, I get the occasional how are you (normally when I'm working away so I know they care) but when I'm home I can text them and not hear from them for days that's if they reply at all. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Younger generation aren't into calls, I'm not.

Winter2020 · 14/08/2024 12:52

If you wait for him to do the initiating you will rarely if ever see him.

It is a very normal dynamic for adults particularly mem to rarely see their parents. He has grown up, moved away and is busy getting on with his life- I'm sure he loves his mum but you are not a daily thought in his life in the way he is in yours as your much loved child.

It's fine, it's natural. One day (if things go in the natural order of things) your child will lose you and they will grieve but they will be fine as they are a functioning independent adult. That's important to know as a parent and not the peace of mind I will ever have as one of mine has special needs to the extent I don't think he will live independently.

Be proud your son has flown.

diddl · 14/08/2024 13:21

Part of me thinks in this case that since you've arranged it you let him know when you'll be there.

But in my life there would be a bit of "back & forth" even if the other person's message was "great-let me know the details".

He sounds clueless/rude!