Pls give opinion....Do I WAIT this out or not??

[lovenotwar149]

Ok, thanks in advance for reading this...many thanks!
Pretty anxious atm about this. Any , ANY thoughts are welcome.....

I am due to visit my eldest son tomorrow for the afternoon. He's 30 btw. I will be hopping on a coach (FYI - 4.5 hrs plus 1 hr to get to the coach station x2 incl return journey) . Have done this day trip a fair few times now since my son moved to this new place 4 yrs ago. I (we) also go and stay in a hotel occasionally too if doing an overnight stay. We meet every 3/4 months lets say.

Re tomorrow , I messaged 2 wks ago to ask if he was up to meeting for lunch on 15th Aug and if so I would pop up for the afternoon like I do s'times. He replied with a yes and thumbs up. All gd. I didn't do my usual , interestingly, with all info included in my text i.e. arrival /leaving time etc. This of course needs to be communicated. I have a hurt/gripe/criticism in terms of his communication , have posted on here about it recently actually , as in I dont hear from him unless I initiate it whether that be a msg/call/visit. He last visited last Dec. I didn't realise until y'day that times haven't been communicated between us for tomorrow. My Q is....shall I wait to see if he msgs /calls about tomorrow rather than do that myself? If I want a pattern of behaviour to change within this dynamic , surely I need to change what I keep on doing to get a different outcome? This is an opportunity for him to step forward ...no?
P.S. I can't wait to see him!

I agree, regardless of weird dynamic person visiting should be one communicating arrival time.

A lot of men are like this, if he had a wife to facilitate it might look like he made an effort but left to their own devices they don't usually bother.
Daughters tend to make an effort and genuinely want to call for a chat and keep up the relationship.
All the time we don't expect any more from men they won't do any more.
Why would he bother to initiate anything when he can sit back knowing you will so he doesn't have to, he's not going to be in a hurry to change that and will probably never contact you again because he knows after so long you will.

All the time we don't expect any more from men they won't do any more.
Why would he bother to initiate anything when he can sit back knowing you will so he doesn't have to, he's not going to be in a hurry to change that and will probably never contact you again because he knows after so long you will.

I cant help agreeing with you here. And I WILL contact him again b/c I go through upset when I dont speak to him for wks on end. However , if I behave like a parent doing a job and think is that actually best for him? Not to reach out , not to change his own reticent habit, is that actually best for him? Maybe I need toast with MY discomfort to enable his change. He just MIGHT reach out. In my heart of hearts, my gut says he will change and do his part. Im not wanting/expecting 50/50 , not at all. its a mum/son dynamic , not a romantic dynamic.

I did get a reply btw, he called back a little while ago. He could have chosen to msg , but he chose to call...it felt nice, really nice.

I will chat with him in person tomorrow about this if appropriate. I am sooo excited to see him!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and differing perspectives!

Sorry to add, but I know at that age, I would get annoyed at anyone contacting me, I just wanted to be left alone. For me it was because I was quite depressed and really couldn't face seeing people and putting on a smile. I could manage work but anything more was very difficult. I just had the ability to know that I had to see my parents every other weekend, because I knew that my parents would worry. I asked them recently how I was with them and they answered that I was always being helpful, listening, discussing and they didn't think anything was wrong.
I would suggest just asking him to be honest about how he feels, just incase he is depressed or perhaps he doesn't feel like he can come out, or something similar.
I'm probably way off the ball and he's just being bone idle, knowing that you'll contact him.

chillichick81

Well we differ in that way, I do think about his lack of initiation to some extent. I question what I may have done/could do differently that might enable him to be lets say a bit more forthcoming. Not for a minute will it deter me from visiting him if he is ok with that and it seems he is, even if I will be doing 10 hrs round trip tomorrow in order to spend 3.5/4 hrs in his delightful company. Well worth it...my choice to do it. I can have an open chat with him about it , he is ok with that. He in fact confirmed some time ago that it is the case that he doesn't call/visit hardly etc and didn't really have any justification. That was why I just thought and put it out there on mumsnet to find out if this in fact was an ideal opportunity for him perhaps to follow through re tomorrow with some initiative re what time we were meeting etc...NOT to manipulate/test him. No worries,I did call and he responded and no doubt about it ,he will be at the coach station to meet me...on time, will stay with me til I get back on the coach and wave me off, we'll play chess with my travel chess board...he's an excellent chess player ...I am learning! I just dont know now if he WOULD have msgd or called to find out for himself what was happening tomorrow

Secradonugh

I would suggest just asking him to be honest about how he feels, just incase he is depressed or perhaps he doesn't feel like he can come out, or something similar.
I'm probably way off the ball and he's just being bone idle, knowing that you'll contact him.

Thank u. You may have a point. I am assuming you are a young one...my son's age?

Just text him the info fgs, he's a young man they're not known for great communication

Honestly you're coming across a bit weird here. It feels like you're talking about a boyfriend, not an adult son.

chillichick81 · Today 16:59
OP

would i correct in thinking childhood and teens between the two of you were difficult? And it’s had lingering impact in terms of how confident you feel in his feelings towards you?

Yes you are correct

chillichick81

You 've hit the nail on the head tbh. I have tried and still am tomato amends for bad choices before. Restoring trust etc I have apologised

Bumblebeestiltskin ·

Oh dear , thats interesting and not good. I have a husband and we get along well in fact. I dont see him as anything but a son and I have appropriate chats with him and have boundaries too but thx for your comments

chillichick81

Fair point. I have done, its been many months/yrs (4) where I have done all the initiating re communication. I do think I have turned things around in my own behaviour, he feels it too so now it seems FAIR task this of him

chillichick81

you feeling guilty

I dont feel guilty anymore because I have changed some poor behaviour and that now is consistent. I dont do/say things I used to. he pointed out what he didn't like and I took it on board and changed certain ways

Do you think you've changed your behaviour too far in the other way? If you've behaved 'poorly' to him in the past, maybe he felt the need to distance himself for his own protection. In which case you coming across clingy, needy, and overbearing probably isn't what he wants.

Bumblebeestiltskin

is calling every 10 days or so, sending the odd photo via WhatsApp, the odd email and a visit every 3/4 maths showing clingy and needy behaviour?

months

And I dont call to discuss my problems I go to my hubby/friends for that reason

Hi, mother of two grown up men here. If I didn't initiate contact with them............😁
I know they love me very much, but...

I'm just going on how you're coming across here. Just something to consider, maybe. Ultimately he's your son, and you know more about the dynamics of your relationship than strangers on the internet.

Bumblebeestiltskin

Ok thx...gd point!

Ultimately he's your son, and you know more about the dynamics of your relationship than strangers on the internet.

Quite true! :)

What would happen tomorrow if you did nothing? If you just got on the train/bus and arrived at his city, found a nice cafe to sit and have a coffee. What would happen?

Except that’s not how it works.
Yes you’ve changed but I suspect he doesn’t TRUST this is a LT change yet.

Trying to push the balance in a way that works for you but Wo even telling him this is what you’re doing isn’t going to get you good results. The way you’re approaching things is really too much give and take.

The issue, it seems to me, is the quality of your communication.
Id work on that.

Which would mean, please contact him before you go and see him.
An

chillichick81 · Today 18:27
OP
he had a very difficult childhood
to some extent he will be impacted by that until the day he dies

please please cut him some slack on this initiation of virtual contact and just accept he will respond and engage but not one for initiating

I dont disagree with this. I have unfortunately exhibited dysfunctional learnt behaviours and he has been impacted by this as the eldest son most definitely. However since having therapy, addressing this full on, setting boundaries with my own parents (including no contact for almost 2 yrs in 2021) having realised the generational dysfunctional patterns of behaviour etc things have MOST definitely changed. There is peace between us and much more trust...its progress for sure. Therefore I thought it may be OK now to 'ask' as a request not a demand at all, a bit more from him in terms of his communication to us. But perhaps not

MtClair

Yes you’ve changed but I suspect he doesn’t TRUST this is a LT change yet.

This may very well be the case. thank you for your thoughts