Lacking intimacy. What can I do better here?

[TryingOverHere]

A long time ago I remember seeing a post by someone who was the husband in the relationship and was getting advice from relationship forums, and commented on how they helped him see things from his wife's point of view and it helped their marriage.

I myself am in a position where I would like to try that. To be clear I'm the husband and father in my scenario.

We have been married me and my wife for ten years, and have two awesome children. Since our daughters birth, our youngest me and my wife's physical relationship has been never quite the same. Of course as expected immediately after a new one comes along thats to be expected. But she's five now, and still we rarely have any intimacy.

But we still cuddle, I'm still told how much I'm loved, fancied, comments on my appearance in a top that makes me look good or something about my hair that day..but she never comes near me in bed. If I initiate things, she'll be very happy to allow me to continue and I'll use that as a way of stirring the interest. And that will finish with me satisfying her needs. But then that's it. No intent or desire to reciprocate, it never leads to actual..you know.. and then it's all forgotten about.

And then it's another week, or longer if I'm not doing the come on.

I've had more than one very open conversation about this with her. And while we seem to agree on there being nothing that is stopping that from her point of view, and very much a desire to work on making that better, frankly it has never. Or perhaps some slight improvement for a week and back to normal.

I'm genuinely perplexed but of course am only seeing one side. So I want to try to understand if anyone here has been on the other side and might give me some clues about trying to bring that side of our relationship back to a more healthy balance. I know physical intimacy isn't the be all and end all, but to me it's a big part of showing love.

Thank you, I can for sure try to do more without taking over once I'm done at work or on the weekend. I'm not saying I do nothing, but it's not 50/50

Well I can't be certain of course, but she did seem to enjoy it. It's not as easy with a house of kids of course, so I was expecting some level of calming when walls have ears.

Thank you. Really good advice.

The only way your going to even try to fix it is talk to her but be brutally honest about it as in I can't continue on like this you need to know why she doesn't want sex. Is it a self confidence thing I wonder on her part ? I just had my first baby and hate my stomach after it I definitely don't want my other half seeing me without clothes so I wonder is that part of it ?

I think that could be part of it at least. She doesn't like her post baby tummy. I tell her love it and her just as much if not more because of what it represents (rather than pretending I don't notice, which I figured would be worse) but that doesn't mean much if you have internal issues with it I know.

I mean i wouldnt say that she seems overly obsessed with her body confidence but perhaps thats more of a part than i realise?

I do try to help boost that inner/self body confidence but it's tricky to know what do do or say or do most of the time. I guess hearing your hubby saying you're beautiful is nice but if you don't feel it, it's not going to fix that without some of your own work.

I was in similar situation to yours, op but we managed to turn things around when the youngest go to school. Looking back, for me, there were a couple of things happened that are gaming changing.

We were in surviving mode and we had missed out celebrations of some milestone anniversaries and birthdays when the kids were young. Once the kids sleep better at nights, my dh suddenly started planing dates and trips away just two of us to make up for the special occasions we missed. He took up the mental load of planning and pay for them. I feel really appreciated and touched.
We now do regular lunch dates on a workday. The bonus of that is the lunch menu is cheaper than the evening and a lot
less hassle for us to arrange baby sitter in the evening.

The other thing happened is I started working again after being sahm, started looking after myself more and lose the baby weight. I think I have given up myself before. My self esteem was lower after having children because of the weight gain and I used to hate to look at myself in the mirror. This definitely helps me to feel more confident and connect to dh.

Just to be clear OP - in your sex life, you initiate and she is happy to join in, you give her an orgasm but after that, it is all over - you don't have actual sex/intercourse and you don't orgasm?

Thank you. Really good insights and lots of ideas about what I can do my side to improve taking more of the load. 😊

Pretty much yes. When I go in on the advances, It doesn't move on. I find in general I can either then persist with my intimate teasing and it can result in a bit of selfless pleasure from me to her, and I then just..I dunno..leave it there, or I just stop before it gets too heated and take the view that shes not quite feeling it so ill not persist if she's not responding.

But she certainly seems to enjoy the advances when the right parts are involved. It's just she used to respond by going for full on fun time. But these days seems more happy to allow me to proceed..and then as I say there's no response for me. There could be weeks go by without even acknowledgement of that.

And I suppose that's something that could be different for all relationships. Sometimes it could be one sided, sometimes one sided but returned after, either immediately or soon. Other times both of you in one way or another.

Before that becomes our life, I wanted to try to understand what's happening here. I'm learning all sorts of new terminology from here about her mental load and our time spent together being a couple rather than mom and dad etc. So I feel that there's a lot there that I can start with.

I've gotten some really great advice here so I just wanted to thank you all for both the male and female viewpoints having shared some of your experiences. It's really helpful to me.

What effect can hormonal contraception have on libido? I am on mini pill and have no drive at all. Could be other things too but just interested by your comment? @kkloo

I know this is well meaning but it reads like it was written in the 1960s by an Australian whose first language isn't English. I would be totally mystified if DH started playing Barbra Streisand it certainly would not be romantic. Also, 'walking in the bush' isn't possible anywhere in Europe.

I think it's very odd that your sex life is so one way. If she is having an orgasm with you then she must be in the mood and turned on by that point. Even if it's the last thing on her mind when you start.

Do you ask her to touch you once she has had her orgasm?

Is it at all possible that she is faking it? Women do - either for an easy life - or because it can take a lot of practice to come with a partner and we worry about it taking too long - and a significant minority of women never have had an orgasm even by themselves ...

You could try the book How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life

And there an interesting episode of the don't buy her flowers podcast called sex in long term relationships

open.spotify.com/episode/6wp2TQwrzlljkyC4YbStsn?si=xNDHQPYJS-udt42-enpHWQ

I agree with PP who says check out Esther Perel. Some of her YouTube videos you can view for free. Not particularly the cheating ones, which clearly are not needed here, but why long term couples often lose desire
She says (and I agree) in the long term women can’t just be prodded and respond to physical advances. There needs to be a bit of build up and anticipation.
Esther also talks about women’s relationships with their own bodies, and I don’t mean diet or exercise. They just end up being like resource centres for everyone else. It helps a woman to get used to her body being touched again - in that I mean swimming, dancing, a massage. It’s a why of beginning to feel very basic pleasure again on a personal level.
I would actually shelve discussions for a bit and build up your emotional connection - try something new together just the two of you. It doesn’t matter what it is.
And finally - laughter. There isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t like to share a bit of a giggle. I don’t mean forced fun or trying to be the new John Bishop, but think back to when you first met and what connected you both
Good luck and also your post and replies are really thoughtful.

I think she is just a bit knackered - which is understandable. She is happy to join in when you initiate sex and enjoys it, but she doesn't have enough energy left to be the initiator.

Who cooks dinner and cleans up after? Dishes, wiping the kitchen counter , putting things back into the fridge too.

That all left to me kinda wipes out any brownie points and good feelings acquired during the day.

It can lower it or kill it completely. It's very common!