Hubby working from home more

[Sorento569]

Am so used to my husband working 4 days in office and 1 day at home. New job coming up and he'll be only in office 2 days a week. I'm a sahm - and I'm dreading it! I need my own space and feel like he'll be on top of me! I'm actually worried about our relationship suffering. Any tips on how you would cope / overcome this worry? Anyone at home with their other half a lot. We just get on better with a bit of distance between us!

Wow, so he’s not to inhabit the home he pays for? Me and my husband work from home in different rooms, set up a place for him to work away from you.

Why don't you get a job then

Ugh your relationship will suffer! I was in the same situation. It's not natural to spend 24/7 together and if your DH doesn't go anywhere he will probably become quite boring. Find some things to do so you get out of the house and suggest a 2 days at home maximum for the sake of your relationship.

@Pyaar she has a job, she's raising their child. Can't have a more important job than that!

The job will determine the number of days working from home - not the OP.

Do you usually get on well? Do you have an office space at home that he could use?

I am a SAHM and my DH works full time from home. It doesnt bother me at all. I am free to do whatever needs to be done, if its noisy, he has his headphones. He might come down for a snack and a little chat. I would text him when lunch is ready. I like to make lunch for us when kids arent home so we could eat a bit more spicy. He would wash the dishes after lunch. We ususally go for a walk together if the weather allows, then hes back to work. Once the kids are back from school I am usually quite busy with them.

I didnt mind when he had to be in the office 5 days a week either, but him being home all full time does make my life easier, for example I can have deliveries anytime even if I am not in.

We have a good relationship and when many people find challenging during the lock down, we felt the opposite, it made us realise we do enjoy each others company.

Ime the job determines minimum days in the office, not maximum days

Do you have the children home all week or are they in childcare or school, so you have a couple of hours without anyone in the house? I think suddenly being around each other more can be an adjustment.

I was in a similar case and now am PT and also WFH some of these days, and so does my DH (and DC is in childcare). It’s nice! We make it fun, we have breakfast together and then go do our respective jobs in our own spaces in the house. We don’t bug each other. He has become my favourite office buddy. If I am home but not working (since I am PT), and he is WFH, we still have our space from each other (he is in the study with the door closed most of the day. I enjoy the house as I want to). I think my DH is pretty easy going though.

The OP has said her DH will be the office two days a week so will be wfh three days. Sounds a good mix to me. Saves time and money working from home. Less early commute days.

@Parker231 5 days is alot, especially as OP has says she needs her own space as most people do. I know when mine was WFH (albeit full time and straight after lockdown) he was always at home and also being with a baby constantly it felt very claustrophobic. OP you can see how it goes, and as PP says you can do things that can make it enjoyable and if DH does his bit around the house too that might make it positive overall. Mine did the bare minimum so WFH had no advantages, in fact it just made me resentful and was very detrimental to the relationship. There was a lot of factors in my situation though, but even for you to be aware means you can nip any potential issues in the bud before they become majors.

By that logic, the OP, who is a SAHM, is already even more ‘boring’, as she doesn’t ’go anywhere’, even to a workplace two days a week.

Get a job and work different days, OP?

Sorry you'll find this hard. We both WFH 5 days a week and it's lovely. We see each other a couple of times in the kitchen when getting a drink but that's about all. I'm up at 6, he's up at 8.30. we both work 9-5 cook dinner together and spend the evening together. I love my alone time too, hence getting up at 6. Swap some time around to get yours.

Presumably you are out all day at classes with you children anyway so an extremely small chance of meeting in the hallway etc

I will be honest, if dp told me he didn’t want me working from home because he likes time on his own and he needs his own space when he is at home I would tell him to piss off.

That said, I am not working in a shared area. I don’t expect him to keep me entertained or be available if I am bored. I am working, I don’t need that and will phone a work friend for a chat while I work. I don’t expect him to make me lunch or bring me drinks etc. though he would if he was making one. Like I would for him when he is here.

The home is a shared space. It’s not yours or his and both need to compromise. And be mindful of each other. Neither has more right to be there alone than the other.

All this ‘ugh being together all the time’ doesn’t make senses if he is working he is working. Even ‘oh you will have nothing to talk about’ is weird. If all you have to talk about is what goes on in one persons office and their commute, there’s already very little to talk about.

MN don’t tend to be very sympathetic to this problem, but I do think it’s one of those things that either bothers you or it doesn’t. It does bother me to be honest. At the moment, DH WFH two days a week which I’m fine with: at one point he never left the house which was very oppressive and stressful.

I don’t think that it’s reflective of how good a relationship is or how much you love one another or anything like that. I love holidays with DH and when he’s around at home, but someone working from home in a space you’re trying to relax in (as much as you can with two very small children!) is difficult. Again, I know this doesn’t seem to be true for everyone and I’ve read posts where people say they don’t even notice their DHs - I definitely notice mine! Noisy meetings, in and out, leaves a mess on the kitchen - it isn’t that he’s doing anything wrong but there’s definitely no way you can pretend he doesn’t exist.

Space also comes into it: we live in a cottage that’s lovely but sound really travels so I know when I’ve posted before I’ve had ‘he should work upstairs / why doesn’t he work upstairs / HE SHOULD WORK UPSTAIRS’ but it makes absolutely no difference.

I can cope with him here for a couple of days a week but any more than that I do find quite stressful and difficult to manage. You can’t be out all day (lol, what groups for small children are all day, couple of hours at most!) and you shouldn’t have to be.

Sorry but you're basically saying he can't work in the home he solely provides???

No, I think it’s more about recognising that it can be a difficult dynamic to manage. This isn’t the case for everybody, but it doesn’t mean those who do find it hard are wrong.

@Theaudiencerepeat is imagine that if OP wants to remain a SAHM then she needs to suck it up

Do you have young children at home or are they school age? I have 1 day off a week and during term time I love having the house to myself. I get back from the school run and often rest on the sofa for a bit first. I would feel lazy doing that at 9am with DH in the house. You will still have 2 days home alone though, so you can have that on those days. I would probably adjust my routine a bit to be more busy on the days DH was there and chill more on the days he wasn't! It is quite nice to eat lunch with DH without kids once a week or so when we are both home. We can have a proper adult conversation.

Well some compromise will have to be made. If u do not do paid work then realistically u are going to have to work around him. If after a trial period it not working, then can u invest in something comfortable for him to work in in garden away from distraction?

The assumption is that she wants to be.

She might not. Not everyone potentially earns enough to cover nursery fees, especially if multiple births have featured. Or one or more of her children might have a disability. Or she might. We just don’t know, and posts like that can be quite cutting it that’s the case.

But in any case I do find those sorts of posts a bit distasteful because it isn’t about helping the OP, it becomes about wanting to have a dig at SAHMs. Assuming that the ‘earner’ in the household gets absolute free rein to do as he pleases and any dissatisfaction from anyone else who lives in the house needs to shut up because they don’t earn do they can’t say - that’s not a great foundation to build respect on. It also means children in the house have the same umbrella over them, which isn’t fair.

How do you and the others who would also hate it, imagine your retirement will go?

Your wanting to relax at home is way down the list of priorities compared with your DH working from home.

@Theaudiencerepeat that's not what I'm saying though is it? I'm saying that when it comes to work, if he needs to WFH, then that's what he does. As at the end of the day, he's the one paying for the house. I'd say the same if it was a working mum and a SAHF. The earner needs to be able to work, and if that means WFH then it means WFH.

What is the concern more about?

-You can actually only handle so much of him (relationship issues, do you love him?)

-You just like your personal space, and now you won't be getting the 'you' time?

-You have so much work to do, and worry that he'll get in the way?

-You actually don't have much work, and being a SAHM is a walk in the park, and you don't want him seeing you binge-watching all day, interfering with your social life?

I’m sure you would. But it isn’t unreasonable for other occupants of a house to express concern on the impact on them of someone working in that space (which is very different to someone just living in that space.)