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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby working from home more

82 replies

Sorento569 · 13/08/2024 00:03

Am so used to my husband working 4 days in office and 1 day at home. New job coming up and he'll be only in office 2 days a week. I'm a sahm - and I'm dreading it! I need my own space and feel like he'll be on top of me! I'm actually worried about our relationship suffering. Any tips on how you would cope / overcome this worry? Anyone at home with their other half a lot. We just get on better with a bit of distance between us!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/08/2024 07:17

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 13/08/2024 07:01

Sorry but you're basically saying he can't work in the home he solely provides???

Nope.

She is looking for tips on dealing with it. She has a bit of a moan about a changing situation - fine, we all do - and then:

I'm actually worried about our relationship suffering. Any tips on how you would cope / overcome this worry?

Your response is like an OP asking for advice on how to budget a food shop after a drop in income and getting told “do you expect the supermarket to just give you the food?”

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 13/08/2024 07:17

@Theaudiencerepeat but at the end of the day, OP couldn't be a SAHM without her husband working, so, unfortunately for her, if his job says he WFH, he has to. And she needs to cope with that.

colourfulchinadolls · 13/08/2024 07:18

The attitudes to stay at home mums I've seen in this thread are fucking disgusting.

I sympathise OP.

Worth remembering that being a SAHM isn't always a choice. And OP's doing so is meaning that her DH can continue to 'provide'.

Jesus.

SheilaFentiman · 13/08/2024 07:20

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 13/08/2024 07:17

@Theaudiencerepeat but at the end of the day, OP couldn't be a SAHM without her husband working, so, unfortunately for her, if his job says he WFH, he has to. And she needs to cope with that.

And she is asking for advice on HOW. Again:

I'm actually worried about our relationship suffering. Any tips on how you would cope / overcome this worry?

Holy smokes.

DreamW3aver · 13/08/2024 07:23

Doggymummar · 13/08/2024 06:35

Sorry you'll find this hard. We both WFH 5 days a week and it's lovely. We see each other a couple of times in the kitchen when getting a drink but that's about all. I'm up at 6, he's up at 8.30. we both work 9-5 cook dinner together and spend the evening together. I love my alone time too, hence getting up at 6. Swap some time around to get yours.

Presumably you are out all day at classes with you children anyway so an extremely small chance of meeting in the hallway etc

Who is out all day at classes with small children? That's not how people live is it?

We dont know the ages of the ops children so that might not be a factor but everyone is allowed to have questions about how they'll manage a significant change to daily life

colourfulchinadolls · 13/08/2024 07:24

DreamW3aver · 13/08/2024 07:23

Who is out all day at classes with small children? That's not how people live is it?

We dont know the ages of the ops children so that might not be a factor but everyone is allowed to have questions about how they'll manage a significant change to daily life

Show quote history

I thought this 😂

Me and my little girl manage one class a week, other than that we potter around the house, play at home and do a few walks.

Babies or little ones really don't need that many classes 😂

SheilaFentiman · 13/08/2024 07:25

OP, both DH and I work from home most days ; started in covid and never fully went back to the office. I would prefer we didn’t, but commuting costs and time mean this makes sense.

I used to try and eat lunch with him, but he was repeatedly late for the time we agreed, without dropping me a text. He had got caught up on a call. That’s fine, it’s the way of work, but it was frustrating to have my time wasted. So we stopped making arrangements.

What works at present on his WFH days? How much can you essentially pretend he isn’t there 9-5 or whatever?

Retirement is irrelevant to the question of now, you won’t be juggling kids etc then.

AnnaSewell · 13/08/2024 07:27

I think it is about finding new routines and talking about how to make space for one another. How big is the house? Where will the husband work? Does he have some expectation that lunch will magically appear or does he think not having to commute means he can do more chores and look after the baby more?

Galoop · 13/08/2024 07:32

Ignore the haters OP, MN hates SAHMs, I can only assume they're projecting and for some reason the man who is working is God, even though you're the one who is bringing up your children. Weird how some other mothers don't actually value this.

Anyway ... your concerns are valid, does your DH have any hobbies that will get him put of the house, I would encourage this on his WFH days (or alternatively, he does bedtime and you get out or have your own time for yourself) as this as it can be a bit stifling if you're both spending a lot of time at home together. It's weird, even if you're not together, you're together. I totally get it!

PlateUp · 13/08/2024 07:33

Dh started working from home occasionally about 17 years ago, sometimes this was to be around due to my disability and I was a sahm. What he understood was that there would be noise from the children, that I cannot shush them all the time and no I cannot be out of the house all day either.

Does your Dh have a place to work from in the house? Dh originally started working in our bedroom then we moved house to give him a dedicated office upstairs but our youngest child was then 3 and did not need any day time naps so noise upstairs from Dh being on calls wasn't an issue.

I would take Dh drinks rather than him coming down as the children would get upset seeing their Dad who then disappeared after 2 minutes so we all ate lunch together and set that as a routine that the children could understand.

I think ultimately Dh understood that he was working in a home, not an office and he had young children. Some people don't have a room to work from so they are in their dining room like my friend now and anyone coming into the lounge and walking through the dining room to get to the kitchen has to be quiet if she is on a call but then she doesn't have young children making noise.

Whaleandsnail6 · 13/08/2024 07:36

DreamW3aver · 13/08/2024 07:23

Who is out all day at classes with small children? That's not how people live is it?

We dont know the ages of the ops children so that might not be a factor but everyone is allowed to have questions about how they'll manage a significant change to daily life

Show quote history

I used to go out to a different baby/toddler group every day when I was on maternity leave so it isnt unheard of. I liked the routine and socialising and my lo's enjoyed them too. We often used to go to the library or park with friends after too

Anyway back to the op.... What's the work from home set up? I dont think it would he too bad if he has a separate work space but if he works from the livingroom or kitchen, then I can see your concern. It would be hard trying to keep lo quiet whilst he works 3 days a week. Whats your routine like at the moment?

Theaudiencerepeat · 13/08/2024 07:37

I used to go out to a different baby/toddler group every day when I was on maternity leave so it isnt unheard of

Same but they don’t last all day, do they? 😂

Franjipanl8r · 13/08/2024 07:39

I absolutely hate being home with the kids when my DH is working from home. We don’t have a big house so I can constantly hear him on meetings and he can hear us. We’re now fortunate enough to be able to move to a bigger house where it’s less of a problem. But before we were considering him getting an office space in town. We never bought our current small house on the basis it would also function as an office, that’s not how I signed up to live.

Fedup45 · 13/08/2024 07:44

I've found it really hard having my dh go from being out the house most the week to now being home about 4/5 days! And he has definitely found it tough too- I think his MH has suffered and he is often grumpy/irritable with me and the children.
I don't really have any tips apart from try and get out as much as you can yourself (walks etc) and try and encourage him to also head out as my dh rarely goes out at all now and it's really not good for him as he's a social person- he'll say how bored/fed up he is but then not do anything!
Hopefully it will go better for you.

grumpypedestrian · 13/08/2024 07:57

Telling us the age of your children would be helpful.

gannett · 13/08/2024 07:58

You can have your own space even if your partner is in the same house as you. No, it's not the same as having the entire house to yourself, but that's a bit of a luxury. I need plenty of me time, and DP knows this, and it's simple to just take my book and my headphones off to whatever room is unoccupied (or my own office). He's not needy and respects my space, but equally I don't get annoyed by the fact that I can sense or hear him doing his thing elsewhere.

I'm the one WFH full-time and I would definitely be miffed if DP told me he didn't like that because he couldn't relax with me around. And I get plenty more time with the house to myself than he does.

MtClair · 13/08/2024 08:17

Wow… it seems people have already forgotten how it felt when most people were working from home and the difficulty of having a baby and someone work8 g in the same house.
Compassion people. That helps!

Sethera · 13/08/2024 08:19

Do you have a room he can use as an office, e.g. spare bedroom if no dedicated space? You and he need to think of this time as him 'being at work' - so not spending time chatting to you or your DC - ideally you need to be as physically separated in the house as possible otherwise the boundaries between working and not-working can become blurred.

Other than maybe popping in with a cup of coffee for him mid-morning, pretend he isn't there and only interrupt in a genuine emergency, the sort of thing you'd phone him for if he was in the office; and make it clear you expect the same from him.

MtClair · 13/08/2024 08:24

@Sorento569
I think the first question is: does your dh have a separate office in the house or is he working from the living room/dinning room?

With a baby/toddler/young child in the house, I don’t think it’s manageable if he doesn’t have a separate office tbh.

I personally find that the hard part is to have to be careful about noise all the time. And for the house to become the office rather than the house iyswim.
What helps is a separate office, noise cancelling headphones for dh (proper ones not cheap ones so he can still have noise around Wo it being an issue in meetings) and me not constantly tiptoeing around him.
Also carrying in with my day as if he wasn’t there - he is working, I’m at home. Not doing things together iyswim.

i still find it hard to relax in the same way I would if he wasn’t at home. The atmosphere in the house is pretty different.

Perfect28 · 13/08/2024 08:26

Get a job!

MtClair · 13/08/2024 08:29

Tbh there was a time when people were trying to adjust with wfh and one thing that came out often was that home is home, not an office.

And I think this is something to remind your dh about.

Yes work is important blablabla.
But he can’t make such a decision that impacts you so much (changing jobs incl wfh) without also thinking of the impact on you and how HE is going to deal with it.
Has he proposed anything? Or is he just assuming you’ll get on with it because it works better for him?

MtClair · 13/08/2024 08:32

Perfect28 · 13/08/2024 08:26

Get a job!

Yawn…

As if work was the answer to anything and everything.

Do people have so little imagination they can’t find any other answer?

OlympicsFanGirl · 13/08/2024 08:36

He's going to be working not hanging out.

Halfemptyhalfling · 13/08/2024 08:43

Insist he works upstairs and doesn't object to family noise.
Biggest problem is if DC gets distracted every time he appears but hopefully novelty wears off.
Make sure he leaves house every day for minimum 20 mins exercise - perhaps get a dog or a bike. Or join a class to get to know local people eg badminton
Make sure you leave the house for 20 mins a day too. Pushing pushchair is good exercise eh to park or feed ducks or gardening
Insist lost commuting time is spent on chores that are bigger when he is at home eg tidying washing up etc.
Use his extra time at home to exercise yourself as he can look after dc

HowIrresponsible · 13/08/2024 08:46

You're allowed in the house all day but he isn't?

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