Drunk facetiming my fiance in another country - now he is calling me controlling & that I don't want him being around his family?

[beachbumska]

as the post suggests, currently in a diff country from my fiance so time diff is 5+ hours. i was on a night out and got drunk and after about 3 hours facetimed my fiance, and we was chatting for about 10mins. I probably called him back 3-4 times afteer that (yes sorry i was drunk) and my friend called him too, everything was fine we was all laughing, he was showing me round the party saying hello to his uncles, mum, brothers etc and i thought all was good.

today, in an argument, he is now saying i am controlling and i dont like him seeing his family, when i asked why he said because i kept calling him and being controlling on saturday? i am kind of caught of guard because this thought didnt even cross my mind to 'steal him from his family' it was more that i missed him and wanted to be part of his evening, and connect. He often makes me feel like a problem, now he has turned a cute thing into another problem with me... surely he doesnt think thats a deliberate attempt to get him alone, like wtf.

I wonder if his family questioned it.

You called him 4 times?!

But I think it’s wierd to spin a positive into a negative. That honestly didn’t even go thru my mind to take him away from his family, we was just having a laugh. I think you’re right though.

I’m not sure being drunk called by a partner multiple times is “cute” or a positive thing. Once maybe, but multiple calls from you and friends seems a bit much.

In the context though with him laughing and showing her round the party I think it sounds ok, he could have just put the phone in his pocket if he was bothered.

It sounds like a pattern from him though which isn't a good sign, I can't imagine a healthy relationship where one is calling the other controlling.

Getting multiple calls from someone who is drunk and their friends would be bloody annoying TBH.

Yes, your "just having a laugh" as a drunk person was probably being a pain in the arse from the point of view of your fiancé and his family, especially as you rang multiple times.

Maybe he and his family were sober and found you and your drunk friend calling him a bit annoying. I'd say 'controlling' maybe the buzz word of the moment. That was not being controlling, silly, irritating maybe, but not controlling.
Anyway, his family probably frowned upon seeing you drunk and maybe that's why he said it.
I think you were both probably a bit unreasonable. But if there's more to it then who knows?

How old are you? I think what you find cute and funny would really get on my wick. Horses for courses.

Calling someone multiple times while drunk and while they are at a family party is bloody awful behaviour and you need to sort it out. So embarrassing.

He was at a family party and you Facetimed him, then called him another 4 times, then your friend called him too.

If I was his family member I’d be asking him is everything ok in the relationship, is he ok, because that is not normal behaviour.

Calling him once was fine. Repeatedly calling him does come across as just trying to interrupt his evening.

I am going to guess there’s been more than this once that he has felt you have been doing this.

and to be honest if dp and his friends were drunk calling me I wouldn’t have found it funny or been showing you round or saying hello to my family. And the repeated calls, would have wound me up. I think he took it in good grace at the time, as falling out with a drunk person rarely ends well.

Thanks that’s what I mean, not did at any point he say it was annoying or have to answer

I don't think he should have to point out that it's annoying to receive 4 drunk calls from you and 1 from your friend. Did you apologise the next day?

Getting 4 drunk phone calls from your partner when you're trying to spend time with your family isn't a positive thing. It's not cute or funny either - certainly not by the 4th time!

It's likely that being on the phone to someone else while he was in at a family gathering felt very rude and awkward.

You need to let him spend time with his family without interrupting. If you want to speak to him, message first and ask if he's free to talk.

Of course he didn't! Because he was in front of his family and trying to make the best of it. Being arsey with you would have made it even more awkward.

So why not just not answer the phone?

But why put him in that position? Just let him spend time with his family.

It’s likely he believed that you and your friend would keep ringing if he ignored you.
Drunk people are not known for reacting well to being told to pack it in or that they are being annoying.

Have you ever tried telling a persistent drunk person to stop drunk dialling? I suspect he didn’t want his evening further derailed when you took issue with him not playing along with your idea of fun, hence why he waited to discuss it when you were sober.

Because he's sat there in front of all his family, and all of them can hear/see that the phone is ringing. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. Not answering would have been just as awkward, and would still have led them to wonder what was wrong.

No-one on this thread thinks that you are in the right here, so just apologise to him and move on. You may have been drunk, but you're still a grown-ass adult who is responsible for her own actions.

You and your mates calling him four or five times in one night because you wanted to connect while he was at a party…not cute. Clingy at best, controlling at worst.

OP, whether you're being 'cute' is not really for you to say. He was on the receiving end and is telling you you weren't. I don't think you were being controlling, but you were being attention seeking, demanding and immature. He's used the wrong word, but I think he's entitled to give you the message it wasn't OK with him.

You are putting the responsibility on to him to reject you - rather than reflecting on the multiple phone calls and apologising.

it sounds like you embarrassed him in front of his family. Are you very young OP?

@beachbumska - you need to accept you behaved very selfishly and immaturely. This wasn’t cute behaviour on your part.

He’s trying to spend time with his family; you were repeatedly intruding on that and asking him to pay attention to you. This is not about “why didn’t he just ignore your calls?”. This is about “why were you repeatedly demanding his attention when you knew he was spending time with family?”.

And actually, repeatedly calling a partner when they’re out with other people is the kind of thing that controlling partners do. From what you’ve described, it’s impossible to tell whether this was a one-off for you or whether you often behave like this. If you do often behave like this, then he may have a point about your behaviour.

We all make mistakes and do the wrong thing from time to time (God knows I do); just accept that this was bad behaviour, not cute, and consider whether you can learn from this and respect his boundaries.