Drunk facetiming my fiance in another country - now he is calling me controlling & that I don't want him being around his family?

[beachbumska]

as the post suggests, currently in a diff country from my fiance so time diff is 5+ hours. i was on a night out and got drunk and after about 3 hours facetimed my fiance, and we was chatting for about 10mins. I probably called him back 3-4 times afteer that (yes sorry i was drunk) and my friend called him too, everything was fine we was all laughing, he was showing me round the party saying hello to his uncles, mum, brothers etc and i thought all was good.

today, in an argument, he is now saying i am controlling and i dont like him seeing his family, when i asked why he said because i kept calling him and being controlling on saturday? i am kind of caught of guard because this thought didnt even cross my mind to 'steal him from his family' it was more that i missed him and wanted to be part of his evening, and connect. He often makes me feel like a problem, now he has turned a cute thing into another problem with me... surely he doesnt think thats a deliberate attempt to get him alone, like wtf.

Sorry but it does sound annoying and I can see why his family or even he may have thought it was controlling.

My SIL was always a bit like this. She was around our house constantly when they met as teenagers to the point she basically lived with us and my mum allowed it for fear of losing my brother as their relationship was so intense.

SIL always claimed she just missed my brother so much when they were apart but it always felt like she was worried he might have fun without her.

Now 15 years later and while I care about her very much she is undeniably a little controlling. My brother can never spend time alone with his family without her being there lest she feels left out. Yet she spends time alone with her family all the time and I know my brother is not invited to everything.

She often claims she is frightened of being in the house alone or generally just does the "can't I come too?" with a hurt face even when it's an activity she hates. Then she ends up coming along and having a face on the whole time.

Even when we are all together socialising, as soon as we have any kind of side chat or conversation about something that she's not part of (like a specific technical element of a job both my brother and I do) she feels the need to either join in and change the subject to something she wants to talk about or just literally shout him from across the room to get his attention back to her.

She actually has a lot of good qualities and generally I have a lot of time for her. She's not a bad person. She just seemingly is unable to cope with him having anything at all in his life that doesn't involve her. I sympathise with whatever issue is at the core of that but I do miss my brother.

Someone drunk calling 4 times while their partner is at a family gathering would massively ring alarm bells for me and not seem cute at all. If it were still early on enough that they might listen to my opinion I would definitely be calling it out as potentially controlling. It just seems like you are intruding on his family time.

Why would his family want to talk to his drunk girlfriend and her friends so many times in a night? You can say you want to say hi and meet people the first time but what's the thinking on the fourth?

His family probably gave him an earful. There is nothing cute about calling some whilst drunk, and it's really not cute doing four fucking times. That kind of behaviour is something you'd expect from a 16 year old.

His family may not have been impressed and wondered why on earth their son had picked you. He will have picked up on that and perhaps been embarrassed at the time, then angry.

I honestly don't know how you've spun this to yourself as a positive, OP. It isn't cute, it's just really embarrassing.

Why are you getting so pissed that you're behaving like this? Are you just very young and quite immature for your age? It sounds like the kind of thing a teenager would do, but you say you're engaged so I'm assuming that you're a bit older? Or do often struggle to regulate your behaviour when you're drinking?

Honestly, if I were in your DP's situation, I would find one drunken call mildly annoying but I'd write it off as just one of those things. After 4 calls, I would be finding you fucking annoying and starting to wonder if I really wanted to spend my life with you.

Surely you didn't actually think that he would want to introduce you or your friend to his family when you're both that pissed that you couldn't judge basic social norms. It would be embarrassing.

Why do you think your partner’s family want to meet his drunk girlfriend’s drunk friends?

Say it like it is, you didn’t like him being at a party without you and couldn’t leave him alone to enjoy his night.

You couldn’t do that sober? And once?

Fucking annoying and immature, yes.
Controlling, no.

You're waving pretty big red flags there. Got drunk, repeatedly calling (at least five times) - calling in the first place because you wanted his attention and to see his family (ie, prove that you're with family, not a woman) - nah, that's not a good sign for anybody.

Tbh this is what I would be saying if he was my family member. Especially if OP has form for not leaving him to spend time with family.

Drunk isn't "cute". And repeatedly drunk-calling someone to try to get his family's attention is very, very off-putting and downright embarrassing.

This is the if those threads isn’t it?

OP - AIBU

Everyone - well yes you are

OP - omg I’m not it’s a pile on you’re all haters. flounce

OP’s probably already asked for it to be taken down.

If he was a woman (or even a man) posting this on here people would be saying run for the hills.
You're not cute, it's not positive. It is immature, cringe worthy and inappropriate.

Think that's what the man's family are working on right now. Nowt like family pressure

You guys are insane hahahha - you think he is going to call off an engagement cause me and my friend were drunk and were facetiming? wow your husbands must not like you that much if thats what theyd do hahaha

What a chavvy thread.

Look. You behaved like an immature tit. I doubt it's a deal breaker but it was childish.

All you can do is say sorry to him, acknowledge it was inappropriate (because it was) and tell him next time you get together with your friends you'll put the phone away.

Now you can "hahahaha" if you like or you can choose to take the honest advice of people older and wiser, who've been there, done that and suffered the hangovers to prove it

I doubt there's any who have not got drunk and made a fool of themselves in their youth. God knows I did.

But you learn from it. You take responsibility for it. You apologise when apologies are necessary.

And then, eventually, you grow out of that stage in your life and move on. Having had a lot of fun and a few regrets along the way.

Do you always ring him for a chat when he’s out with friends or family?

It's unlikely though that he would reprimand you in front of his family. And yes - he could have chosen not to answer - but some people just don't feel comfortable ignoring calls for whatever reason.

You're missing the point - the onus isn't on him to tell you that you're annoying or to ignore your calls...you should make an effort not be be annoying/obsessive in the first place.

Calling your fiance multiple times (drunkeness is no excuse) and disrupting his evening, and allowing your friend to harass him as well isn't cute or positive. One facetime call might have been fine as long as you weren't being embarrassing in front of his family (but I suspect if you were drunk, followed by the multiple calls, you probably weren't acting normally even during the facetime).

I'd try to curb this behaviour and not allow yourself to get so drunk if it causes you to behave in ways that come off badly to others.

You think it's funny to behave stupidly in front of his family to the point he and them are now questioning you?

Well alright then...sit there and laugh rather than apologize to him and clean up your act...and see where it gets you 🤦‍♀️

When you said cute, I got this mental image of you telling him you just wanted to speak to him because you miss him soooo much, in a baby voice and pouting at him. Then your mate coming on and the pair of you shrieking with laughter while she tells him how you've been talking about him all night, and telling him to tell you how hot you look, and then you pretending to shut her up. Hopefully it wasn't like that though.

I can imagine he answered the call not expecting you to be drunk and then had to grin and put up with it. And then you continued.

What you did wasn't cute - it was embarrassing and childish. No grown man (or woman) wants their partner drunk calling them multiple times. He's said he wasn't happy and your response is to dig your heels in...do you often ignore your partners feelings?

Well, he might not be about to call off the engagement but you argued about it and he told you that he considered your behaviour to have been "controlling". So it would appear that he doesn't seem to find it quite as funny as you do.

Ultimately, it's your relationship, so if you want to laugh about what happened and define behaviour that your partner tells you he finds problematic as "cute" and "positive", then that's totally your call. But I wouldn't personally be placing any bets on your relationship staying the distance if that is the attitude that you choose to adopt.