Excluded from results day

[MrsChumleyWarner]

I'm hurt!

My ex is abusive and manipulative. He stole our children's life savings and continues to give me a hard time at every opportunity. He slags me and my family off to our children at every opportunity.

I've tried to co-parent. I've tried to be reasonable.

I blocked him because he's abusive. I tried talking to him recently about an assessment for our youngest for autism. He won't speak to me. He doesn't answer or return calls. Says its because I blocked him in the past.

Today when speaking to my eldest about A level results day. She told me she's going with him. He's picking her up the night before, taking her at 9am for the results, watching her open them. Helping with clearing if needed - because he knows everything there is to know because he went through all this 37 years ago! She doesn't want me there incase we, the ex and I, argue says we can't be in a room together.

This happened with GCSEs too. He took her. I was told to meet the there so she could get the results and I could take her home after. They told me a later time and went without me.

I wanted to see her open the results.

I am absolutely devastated.

Has she applied for university?

She has yes.

When did parents start going to get exam results?

Im sorry that your ex is an arsehole and sorry that your DD doesn’t see it.

she will eventually.

respect her wishes and keep your head held high.

Oh that is really hard. But you can’t do much now. Can you do something nice with her later?

Does she know about what he has done? I believe there does come a point where they need to know about past behaviour. It sounds as if he is controlling and manipulating her.

He went to GCSE results pick up and is now going to A Level maybe just this school? Glasses of fizz/oj and nibbles provided.

Not the point though really! She's picked him over me.

I did with DD for GCSE at her request and would go for A levels if she wasn't getting them by email.
It sounds really tough OP and I can imagine how hurt you must be but unfortunately it IS her decision.
We have DD's lovely BF staying at the moment and as he is staying in her room I am pretty sure he will find out her results before us and I know that if she is upset she will turn to him first which in a completely irrational way stings a bit.
However, he is very supportive and I am sure will tell her he is very proud of her whatever happens (as will we)

It’s really hard but you have to go with it. I had and have divorced parents and being made to feel bad for doing something with one over the other is really upsetting. You can celebrate with her in another way. It is hard but collecting the results is not the be all and end all.

I appreciate this is hard, but you need to think about it from your DD's perspective. Your post is all about what you want.

DD has said she doesn't want you both there. Respect that. Maybe she would prefer you and he's manipulated her into choosing him, but you have to be the bigger person and go along with it.
Does she actually even want either of you to see her open the results (my children didn't)?

Is your ex going to be able to give her the support that she needs if she hasn't got the grades she needs? If he is, then back away. If he isn't, then quietly say to DD that you are there if she needs you. This isn't about you, but making sure that your DD (hopefully) has a happy day. You can celebrate (or commiserate) with her later.

Is going to get exam results still a thing? I assumed it would all be digital now. My son went away on a lads’ holiday and didn’t pick up his results for three weeks. They just sat on the hall table. Not sure I remember the others getting theirs.

Quite...

She knows about his past behaviour. She's knows about her savings- says she's over it.

He is manipulative he went through the financial questionnaire for the divorce with her.... does your Mum spend X Amount for a gardner/window cleaner/pocket money/decorating. He had her search the house for financial documents or anything he could use against me.

It feels like more control. Manipulation etc.

She has come back from a weekend visit telling me I wasn't abused by him. Another occassion telling me I was a narcissist.

I asked about uni for a reason. The universities will already have results so they know who they are offering places to. Sometimes unis email students to confirm offers before they even have the results from college. This won't happen until official results day on Thursday but it might happen just after midnight, 1am etc. I warn my students that a confirmation does not say what results they got but it's an indication of whether they have been accepted and that's what is key on that day for a lot of young people. Your daughter may receive an email before she even opens the envelope I see that she's going to be at her dad's that night but you could ask her if she'd let you know if she gets an email confirmation. Clearing is quite different these days but above all if she needs to do that route she will need to make any phone calls, not her dad, they would not talk to him anyway. Sorry he's being an a*hole

And you need to accept that. For whatever reason, she's decided that she'll be more comfortable with him there than you.

As he's abusive and manipulative, then its entirely possible that she's picked him because she thinks it'll appease him and lessen the chances that it'll ruin her day.

The best thing you can do is to accept it, and not make things more difficult for her. Tell her you'll celebrate with her when you see her.

Presumably she is 18 and old enough to draw her own conclusions and make her own decisions about who she wants with her. I am sorry that she has chosen him, but all you can do is be there for her if she needs you later.

Well where I lived there was no bus and school was too far to walk. My parent offered to drive me.

Yes this post is about me and not what my daughter wants because I'm hurt. I have told her I will respect her wishes. I won't be there for the results but I will be around to celebrate/help in whatever way I can as I have always done.

I've done this for years always supporting.

Thank you amsovoerthis that's quite insightful.

DS2 with autism and ADHD is going into college alone to get his results. I have talked to him about clearing if he doesn't get the grades he needs and knows what to do and staff will be on hand to help him. He needs to do this independently with support. He will message me of course. Fuck knows where STBEX is at and I don't care unless he tries to pressure DS2 to do something that would wrong for him. He can't do this because he will not be there.

Your EXDH does not need to be there. He's inserted himself regardless of whether it's what's your DD wants. Now she is focusing on whether you will argue and defaulting to her dad to keep the peace. She didn't pick him over you. This is about her and her independent future.

The best outcome would be DD celebrating or commiserating results with friends, finding next steps with tutors and then telling you and ex.

I think it’s the opposite….she’s chosen the parent who she feels she needs to please. You are the easiest to let down as she’s more secure with you and knows you will still love her. It’s hurtful and tough but please try to see it as what it is. 🥰

Ask your dd if she would like to celebrate somehow the following day, doing something she likes etc.

Pick another time and sort your own event with your dd.

We had spoken about me taking her for her results she had said it was fair as he had taken her for GCSE results.

I think he has put it in her head that only he will be able to help her if she doesnt get the results she wants and manipulated her into thinking I will cause an argument.

I've been 'uninvited' he's been 'invited' I won't be there I have come to terms with that.

So sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful to have to miss out on these important milestones. And to have to watch your daughter being manipulated by her father.

I imagine, as others have said, that she’s doing this to appease him. And it makes me wonder if she might see you as the safer parent, that you will stand by her no matter what.

ie if she picks her dad over you, you will still be there for her. Whereas, if she picks you over her dad, he is likely to reject her.

But I can also see that this might not be much consolation at a time like this.

I hope you can take care of yourself in all of this OP. Solidarity! 🌷

None of this is about you or about him. It’s about your daughter. Put your ego to one side and focus on her.

Parents going is a bit weird anyway, he’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

In turning this into a popularity contest the pair of you are putting pressure on a teenager who needs support, not stress.

I’m sorry this hurts you, OP, but it’s one of the many parenting times to focus on what matters - your daughter.