Excluded from results day

[MrsChumleyWarner]

I'm hurt!

My ex is abusive and manipulative. He stole our children's life savings and continues to give me a hard time at every opportunity. He slags me and my family off to our children at every opportunity.

I've tried to co-parent. I've tried to be reasonable.

I blocked him because he's abusive. I tried talking to him recently about an assessment for our youngest for autism. He won't speak to me. He doesn't answer or return calls. Says its because I blocked him in the past.

Today when speaking to my eldest about A level results day. She told me she's going with him. He's picking her up the night before, taking her at 9am for the results, watching her open them. Helping with clearing if needed - because he knows everything there is to know because he went through all this 37 years ago! She doesn't want me there incase we, the ex and I, argue says we can't be in a room together.

This happened with GCSEs too. He took her. I was told to meet the there so she could get the results and I could take her home after. They told me a later time and went without me.

I wanted to see her open the results.

I am absolutely devastated.

He's doing a great job of parental alienation, isn't he?

Look. He is going to make a wrong move soon enough. You know how he operates. At the moment, for whatever reason, she is buying what he is selling. But there will come a day when she will need you because he has hurt her. So, try and view this as the groundwork for that day. You know what it's like to be on the receiving end of his abuse and when she finds herself in that position, you will be able to comfort her, understand how she feels.

Let him have this, otherwise your playing into his hands. But you know, we know and eventually she will know what he is like. She's just not there yet.

I'm sorry he does this stuff. And it must really fucking hurt. I hear you.

Thank you. It hurts but I will get over it. She will mature and hopefully see him for what he is.

Some people are driven to school or take a school bus which obviously won’t be running at this time of year.

My kids walked to school with friends as usual but they live walking distance to their school.

You can get your results digitally but at hour school they send it hours after people who went in person pick up results. I’d imagine it’s frustrating not knowing your results when everyone else has posted on their stories.

It sounds like he may have manipulated her. She is probably to young to be able to deal with it so is taking the easiest option and that is to do what he wants. In the grand scheme of things, I would let it go as you will find out the results later that day and you can still share in the emotion with her then. I would communicate that your feelings have been hurt and you are feeling sad about the change of plans as it causes resentments when we don't tell people how things have effected us. She is 18 not 8

I'm driving my DD because she wants to run in and get her envelope and get straight out again (citing me waiting as a reason for not hanging about if anyone queries it).

She found GCSE results day really hard because, although she was very happy with her results, several of her friends were not, and it made it all very awkward. Hence why she wants to get away as speedily as possible.

I am jealous of those with schools that email.

She has come back from a weekend visit telling me I wasn't abused by him. Another occassion telling me I was a narcissist.

That's much more worrying that her not inviting you to pick up the results with her!

I agree it was just a sample of how he manipulates her. She believes everything he says. After we seperated if we were arguing by text he read every text to them mocking me. The photo attached to my name was a hippo. She tells me bits ad pieces and has done over the years. I know she is being manipulated but there is nothing I can do. I've brushed it all off in the past. It still goes on.

I’m so sorry, I’ve had something similar and it hurts like nothing on earth, it’s the injustice too. Big hug from me and hope things turn out well eventually for you and your daughters relationship.

@MrsChumleyWarner so sorry that your ex is such an arsehole and so so sorry that your daughter seems to be heading the same way!!! cant believe she is so gullible after all you have done for her!!

I agree!

I'm so sorry - stand your ground and stay strong...

This happened to a friend of mine and it is an awful situation. Her son was badly manipulated by her ex. After a few years he did see him for what he was. Hard as it is, one thing that did help was when she took a step back. Didn't let it show when she was hurt. Make plans for the results day. Don't keep messaging her. Wait for her to message you. Maybe don't rush to reply. For your own sanity don't let them know it bothers you.

It's not fair, but please don't make your dd feel guilty or torn between trying to please both parents. You suck it up and tell her how proud you are and maybe think of a nice little way to celebrate afterwards, just the two of you.

@MrsChumleyWarner - that’s rotten for you and it’s natural that you would feel very hurt. Your ex sounds ghastly. I think @VibeVanguard has nailed it with this:

“VibeVanguard · Today 15:20
So sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful to have to miss out on these important milestones. And to have to watch your daughter being manipulated by her father.

I imagine, as others have said, that she’s doing this to appease him. And it makes me wonder if she might see you as the safer parent, that you will stand by her no matter what.

ie if she picks her dad over you, you will still be there for her. Whereas, if she picks you over her dad, he is likely to reject her.

But I can also see that this might not be much consolation at a time like this.

I hope you can take care of yourself in all of this OP. Solidarity! 🌷”

Your DD wants her Dad with her. You’ll have to just put up with it.😗

Whose finances are they using to apply for funding for university?

Honestly take a huge step back I've been here with my ex don't tell your mom she will say/do XYZ don't do this she will go MAAAAD or OMG your mom is SO ALL ABOUT MONEY ISNT SHE

I think, for your own sanity, be there for her if she needs it, but as she’s now an adult you can largely leave her and her dad to it. A benefit of this is he’s doing the ‘wife work’ for you.
He wants to wind you up. Grey rock him and give him nothing he can use in conversation with your daughter.

Don’t be a dick

Who is she expecting to give her financial support at Uni?

Yes This.^^

Whose financially supporting her at uni? Why is that relevant?

Thank you DancingNotDrowning

My friend had similar (youngest as exH worked on her for 3 years - eldest saw thru him early on). ExHs inability to pay his share of parental contribution for uni preferring his holidays with latest GF did the trick.

I'm sorry you went through similar. Oddly it seems to be my youngest who sees his true self.

Don't be a dipstick. You've missed the point entirely.