Excluded from results day

[MrsChumleyWarner]

I'm hurt!

My ex is abusive and manipulative. He stole our children's life savings and continues to give me a hard time at every opportunity. He slags me and my family off to our children at every opportunity.

I've tried to co-parent. I've tried to be reasonable.

I blocked him because he's abusive. I tried talking to him recently about an assessment for our youngest for autism. He won't speak to me. He doesn't answer or return calls. Says its because I blocked him in the past.

Today when speaking to my eldest about A level results day. She told me she's going with him. He's picking her up the night before, taking her at 9am for the results, watching her open them. Helping with clearing if needed - because he knows everything there is to know because he went through all this 37 years ago! She doesn't want me there incase we, the ex and I, argue says we can't be in a room together.

This happened with GCSEs too. He took her. I was told to meet the there so she could get the results and I could take her home after. They told me a later time and went without me.

I wanted to see her open the results.

I am absolutely devastated.

She will definitely. DD1 was older when exh and I split but he has shown his true colours in many ways since then. She now understands exactly what he is like.

Her UCAS will update at 8am. Could you ask her ask her the send you a screenshot at that point. You'll then know where she's going to uni as clearing might not even be necessary.

I think you just have to make out that you're not bothered because you are putting your DD first. If you let her know you are upset she'll probably tell him, and that is what he wants. Don't badmouth him, whatever he does. Also, refuse to get into discussion with your DD about her father's behaviour in the past - he is trying to manipulate her but you can resist being drawn into that. Act calm and unconcerned until you feel it, so there's no reason to say you can't be in the same room etc. There will be other 'big' moments in her life, you don't have to play "pick me" to prove who she loves the most.

@MrsChumleyWarner sorry but I think I would throw her clothes into a suitcase! she has made her choice and cut you out of the major events of her life! shows she is as ignorant as her father now!

Your DD is trying hard to have a relationship with the dad she wishes she had rather than the one she actually does. That poor girl is going to keep trying to involve him, jump at the chance to be with him and grab every opportunity to believe he's not an abusive thief and liar, and kid herself she's got a good father. It's natural in her situation and at her age.
Be calm, be patient and be gentle. Your DD won't be able to fool herself forever and when the scales fall off her eyes she will need you very much. Results day is one small part of her life. Its the results themselves and what they mean for her future that counts and you have all that ahead to share with her.

I have spoken to her. We will celebrate her results later in the day. She knows her decision upset me.

Someone earlier kindly informed me that she may receive offers from midnight so I've asked her to call me if she gets any. She has said she'll be too nervous to sleep anyway and will call.

Thank you to everyone who offered support and useful advice. To the one who chose to have a dig at me and tried to kick me when I was down/upset you didn't succeed.

@MrsChumleyWarner I'm sorry. You must feel so hurt. I think she probably feels it's safer to hurt and disappoint you than him. Try to do something kind for yourself as well as celebrating her.

Thanks 2sisters

I'm feeling a lot better it was a shock. I've told her we will do something later in the day to celebrate.

I can totally understand you being hurt. But this is your daughter’s special day and you just have to support her in any way you can and not let her see you’re upset. It must be bloody awful to be the child of parents who are acrimonious. The last thing she needs is any guilt over your and your ex’s issues, especially when most of her friends will be there with both parents. It must be tough.

Smile, congratulate, be proud and celebrate with her when you see her.

Because dad is the be all and end all for this but is he supporting her at uni? Seems very spiteful of your child to hurt you (especially knowing full well she is doing it) would seem double spiteful should she hurt you and then expect you to support her

Also the school is best placed to support her with uni applications and if her results arnt as expected not her father

Hope you have got to share her results and that she has got what she needed/wanted

Mine did in the late 1980's.

My DS just uninvited me. A friend who teaches at the school says most parents don’t go now

At my sons’ school, it looked like all the parents were there! It was mobbed.

Not a single parent at my DC's school.

Although DD's friend was told she was not allowed to open her results in school but had to bring them out to the car so her parents could see her open them which IMO was massively controlling.

I think it's tough right now but once/if she has DC of her own she'll get it. Hang in for the long term. I think you've got a good chance of getting your DD back.

Parents rarely go to get results. Hes helping her with clearing should she need it. Nothing wrong with that

You do sound as though you would cause conflict. I understand why she just wants her dad if necessary

They are her results - let her own them the way she wants to. They are no reflection on you, even if you want to share in her emotional ups or downs. Perhaps the fact you are hurt is why she isn't taking you; too invested.

How come they have contact with your ExH if he stole their money?

She doesn't need to see yoyr view of him. He may well have Been a terrible husband. But he is clearly not a bad dad from her perspective

Be glad she has someone with her to help

Crikey in Scotland exam results come by text message

There's no champagne and nibbles the school

There isn't champagne and nibbles in 99% of England schools either. And many schools (not my DD's to be fair) also manage to provide results by text/email/school portal.

OP's situation is exacerbated by the fact that her DD's school has clearly made A Level results day into a huge performance. (And you can't help feeling sorry for the children who don't get the results they wand and might like to quietly slip away).

UPDATE
I respected her wishes. I asked her to call me as soon as she heard anything. At about 8.05am I got a call to say she had been offered a place at her chosen uni ...... yay!

She was so nervous bless her she threw up in a pot plant and again in his car.... 3 times, most of it out of the window apparently lol. Smug grin.

She came home, slept for a few hours then we went for a meal to celebrate with me, her sister and Nan.

We called cousins and aunties to share the good news!!

Busy but happy day.

Thank you to everyone who offered me support and advice.

: )

That's one manipulative bastard.
The rewritten version of your marriage shared with the daughter.
He's not right in the head regardless of the exam results scenario.

I had an abusive ex. I played the long game. I never slated him, was polite. Was polite when they repeated shitty things about me. Did loads with my kids, built a great relationship with them.
Eventually they saw what a dick his is, now they live with me, do holidays, day trips, nights out etc. They see him a few times a year, have a minimal relationship with him. They are also very close to their stepdad.