I can't do this anymore... I need OUT!!!! Please help me find the strength

[greenleaveseverywhere]

I am 8 months pregnant with our second baby and just when I think it's getting better, it gets worse again. He's 30k in debt. To friends, the bank, the council, me!!!

Inconsistent income which is frazzled away in repayments.

ZERO support. ZERO input toward either of my mat leave. ZERO date nights. ZERO ANYTHING.

I feel so alone. So unsupported.

We've just been out with friends and he couldn't pay the bill. I'm embarrassed, exhausted and tired.

I come from a very comfortable background and I have worked my ASS off to build a stable income for myself. He's munched his way through my savings which I have managed to rebuild (just about)

But I think I'm done.

I don't want this life.

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING)

...but I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

I don't need this stress with a baby due any minute.

But break up my family?! Cos of money?! What effect would this have on my kids?! I never envisioned a life with a broken family. That was NOT the plan.

(We are not married)

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Hes not a good dad though is he?

Dump him, get him out of your life and remove the stress of being with him. It sounds like he doesnt really support you apart from possibly looking after the children with huge input from you - and he can carry on doing that.

Sorry op this is shit. But your right its not going to get better.

You say he is a nice guy and a good dad but does next to nothing. Theres more than money issues here.

You deserve better your standards are too low.

Im sorry your going through this though it sounds awful, lonely and guilt inducing. You need to rnd it though for your kids sake.

I was married and broke up my family. Not because of money, but because it was the right thing to do for me and my kids.
Mentally I could not continue as I was........I was at the end of my tether. None of us envisage being single parents, unless that is a specific choice.
Put yourself and your children first. You are doing this on your own anyway.
OP he is a lying cocklodger and I'm trying to be kind with my words when I say that.
You are worth so much more and by the sounds of it, he has been given so many chances.
He is essentially stealing from you and your children. You are way better than staying with this.
You need to put your needs and your children's needs above him. He clearly only looks out for himself.
You can do this OP, and you will never look back when you do.
Sending hugs xx

It’s not going to get better.
Hes financially immature and will drag you down if you let him. Much better to have him as an Ex who co parents than live with the uncertainty of the next big bill - that’s worse for you and your children.

Cut those strings OP asap

You are not breaking up your family because of money. You are changing your family because your partner is unreliable, terrible with money and is draining the life from you. He is causing you unnecessary stress, is unsupportive and lazy.

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING)
He is also not a good guy. And he is a terrible partner and father.

Sounds like he needs an IVA and a steady job, for you to have any chance of making a go of it. Might be worth trying that before breaking up (if he would do it of course!). Maybe if you give him an ultimatum it will work. But don't let him get access to any more of your money!

I have 6 weeks til the birth (that's if baby arrives on due date)

What do I do?? Wait or just leave?

I can barely look at him

It’s not “ because of money “ though is it. Tho doubtless he will frame it as that. It’s because he is a useless man child who is so utterly selfish that he can’t work hard and be financially together enough to match you as a team. He won’t change I can guarantee

I know this sounds like a silly question but how do I do it?

How do I leave?

I feel frozen like I can't say the words. I don't know what I need to do or say. I'm so scared and stuck

Sorry to read you are in this situation.
Other posters will be along with lots of advice for you, especially at such a vulnerable time for you. There is no shame to be had in breaking up with such a reckless man.
My one, urgent, comment is that you must absolutely cut off his access to your savings. You will need every penny for you and your children. Harden your heart to his attempts to squeeze more out of you. I hope his eye-watering £30k debts are in his name not yours.

You’re not breaking up because of money, that’s just one part of the many reasons.
How do you leave? Well in your position I’d ask him to.
Do you own or rent, and who is named on the deeds/tenancy?
And well done for not being married, it makes it a lot easier to end it.

Seriously? A heavily pregnant woman comes here looking for advice and support and you think it's acceptable to reply to her like that? It's not clever to be as shitty as you can to a desperate woman. Grow up.

Do you have family near by? If not, would you want to move nearer now, before baby is born, for support?

But break up my family?! Cos of money?!

ZERO support. ZERO input toward either of my mat leave. ZERO date nights. ZERO ANYTHING.

He's munched his way through my savings which I have managed to rebuild (just about)

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING)

So it's not just about money @greenleaveseverywhere , is it?

It's about money, lack of trust, lack of support, lack of respect.....

Sorry but he sounds absolutely awful. No date nights (assuming because of lack of money?) and then you say he's a good dad but then say he doesn't actually do anything?

So what exactly does he contribute OP?

And why on earth did you give him access to your savings?!?!

(edited because posted before finished typing!)

What are your current living arrangements? You mentioned just going, but can you? Could you get him out instead?

It's definitely not just the money; if it were that then I'd say it's possible that he could change his habits with will and effort (not live above his means even though he has a partner with more disposable income than him) and there's always a chance his own financial situation could improve over time as well.

BUT here, the lack of ability to pay his own way (never mind paying his fair share for his two children!) goes hand in hand with his living off you and taking advantage of you in other ways.He feels ENTITLED to do all of this. The NICEST interpretation is that he thinks you're his mum and he's a small child and you should take care of him and spoil him and it's all a one way street. Even if he could change his entire personality and lifestyle, would you ever be happy or secure with a partner who HAD treated you this way for years?

When you ask how to leave, are you thinking of leaving him behind wherever you're all living now and taking your child (children if you wait) with you? Wouldn't it make a lot more sense to simply tell him that it's not working and you're ending the relationship and HE must leave?

I am so sorry you gave him access to your savings.

I would seriously consider asking him to move out.

Just leave. Or tell him to, because this is going to get so much worse if you stay. Please get out now while you still can.

This all depends on why he is in debt. What is he spending it on has he wangled it on gambling, luxuries etc or is it bills lifestyle etc.

What options do you have? Fo ylu have gamily to go to? What is the housing situation? Can you ask him to leave? If he is in so much debt is it actually you paying anyway?

Firstly decide how you want it to go, so you want to take the kids and go, or do you want him to go (obviously him leaving is the most practical solution) and then get organised.

Pack him some essentials up, get someone to look after your DC if possible, sit down with him and tell him exactly what you have told us, tell him you need space and peace in the run up to your birth, so he will need to find somewhere else to live,

Alternatively, pack yourself and your DC some essentials, plan somewhere to stay, have the conversation with him and go. All the big huge decisions can be made once you have had your baby, right now you need as little stress as possible, and you're right, you really do deserve better 💐

Block his financial access. Tell him that you are no longer willing to support him and tell him to leave. Call the police if he gets difficult. Thank god that you are not married. When he has gone your emotions will disentangle from him and you will see him with much more clarity - neither good nor nice.
Your baby can be born in freedom with all of life ahead.

He's a nice guy and a good dad.

He isn’t though is he?

Thanks for your replies everyone.

We rent a place together. It's too much to pay completely on my own.

I do own a small property which I could move into. I also have family close by that I could stay with if push came to shove.

It's so hard because moment to moment, things are kind of okay. We have a few laughs and bond over the love of our child. We talk about normal stuff.

It's not like we are arguing / shouting etc.... but it's a slow burner, the foundations have finally gone. The lights gone out in my heart.

Im staying through fear of discomfort and also hanging on to hope that things could change but im slowly realising that they won't.