I can't do this anymore... I need OUT!!!! Please help me find the strength

[greenleaveseverywhere]

I am 8 months pregnant with our second baby and just when I think it's getting better, it gets worse again. He's 30k in debt. To friends, the bank, the council, me!!!

Inconsistent income which is frazzled away in repayments.

ZERO support. ZERO input toward either of my mat leave. ZERO date nights. ZERO ANYTHING.

I feel so alone. So unsupported.

We've just been out with friends and he couldn't pay the bill. I'm embarrassed, exhausted and tired.

I come from a very comfortable background and I have worked my ASS off to build a stable income for myself. He's munched his way through my savings which I have managed to rebuild (just about)

But I think I'm done.

I don't want this life.

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING)

...but I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

I don't need this stress with a baby due any minute.

But break up my family?! Cos of money?! What effect would this have on my kids?! I never envisioned a life with a broken family. That was NOT the plan.

(We are not married)

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

You say he's a good dad, but I don't see how that can be the case if he does sweet fuck all and provides you with no support, while simultaneously draining you financially.

How on earth is he a good dad?

Honestly, you have everything to gain by ending this.

A broken family isn’t always a bad thing. If parents aren’t getting on. And if you don’t have the same aspirations, it’s only going to be a while till you say, that’s it I’m done. He has fathers rights, so it’s not like you are depriving them totally. That’s up to him if he chooses to visit and when. It really hurts but sometimes it’s for the best. Never speak bad to the kids about him and why. That’s your and his issues. Not the kids .. it’s a hard step but I did it when my son was 7. He’s fine now at 31x.. I did literally say one day ‘ I’m done with this. I’m not happy. It took me 6 months of guilt. Don’t put yourself through that xx

Where is this property that you own - when you say own is it paid for or is there a mortgage on it ?
is it currently rented out or can you move in whenever you want ?

are both your names on the current tenancy, how long have you been there and how much notice do you need to give.

once you have thought that through then you will know what you can do and when to do it.

he should never had a penny of your savings !

if you were not together, would you qualify for any benefits i.e. universal credit - there are several online calculators that give you an idea of figures
and i don't believe CMS is counted - tho you will prob be lucky ever to get a penny out of him !

you can't afford him any longer ! you have another child coming that you need to support

Focus on the practicalities. When does your rental contract run out - you will need to give notice as he cant afford the rent on his own. When can you move to your property and where do you go if the timings dont align?

Why doesnt he have a debt management plan? https://www.gov.uk/options-for-dealing-with-your-debts/debt-management-plans

Why is he not doing casual work when his self employment is not bringing in money? He can look for that on local facebook pages and contact local trades asking if they need a labourer.

Sounds like you are a single parent already anyway ? Why would he do better when you pay for everything ? Leaving him might be the kick Uk the A$$ he needs

Check out Entitled To website, you may well find you're entitled to help that will enable you to stay in your house.

You need to get rid of him, he's a dead weight. He certainly doesn't sound like a good dad either!

Not if she owns another property. The capital or any rental income will need to be declared. Dwp has access to hmrc data so it will be identified.

It's worth checking.

I would start by making a detailed plan, write everything down.
Moving into the property that you own sounds like your best option.
You might be able to stay on good terms maybe still have a relationship of sorts but I think you need to be financially completely disconnected from him otherwise he will bleed you dry. He will be after the equity in the property that you own.
Don't ever give him another penny.

If you do move back to your own place OP make sure to end the tenancy at the place you're currently in. Don't leave him there to run up more debt which will be linked to your name.

This is a fantastic tip. Thankyou.

You also need to inform anyone your on the bills for like council tax, water rates, gas, electric, internet, sky ect and provide the meter readings for the day you move out. Also keep an eye on your credit rating / report and make sure no loans are taken out in your name. It's also worth paying to redirect your mail.

Oh and don't forget to change the address on your driving licence. I ended up having to pay £400 for an unpaid driving fine because I didn't know about it.

This is one of the crassest and most ignorant comments I have ever read on here. And that's saying something.
Reported.

He works for himself but it all goes towards paying off the never ending debts.
will be interesting to see how much a good father he is when maintenance needs paying.

If you know you need to leave him, there is always a way. You're not in a bad position as you have savings and own another property.

My advice would be to tell him you want to end the relationship. Be firm and unwavering so there's no ambiguity. Think about where you want to live. If you want to stay in the house, say that but give him a deadline by which he has to move out. Don't forget he will have to pay child maintenance and you may be entitled to some benefits. If you want to move into the home you own, plan and get the wheels in motion on that. And end your current tenancy. You can do this. You sound exhausted with it all. It won't get better. You know when it's time to put yourself and your kids first. You've got this.

Edited to add: He believes you'll continue tolerating this. He's comfortable. Why would he want to change?

OP could he learn to be more financially savvy? Could he take on a job in the evenings or weekend to help pay down the debts?

He needs to analyse the debts to see which have the highest interest rates and overpay those while maintaining the minimum payments on the others. If he’s not taking on more debt, it’s the interest that’ll be crippling him.

I’ve focussed on the financials, but would a change in his financial position be enough to get your relationship into a better place? Is that what you want?

He needs to be on a debt management plan or file for bankruptcy and get a job that pays a consistent income. If that means working nights in a supermarket on top of whatever else he does then he needs to suck it up and provide for his children.

Any updates OP? @greenleaveseverywhere

@ns87

I have explained the situation to my mum who I am extremely close to.

She said she will support any decision I make. She agrees that it's gone too far. She has also said she will help me financially so that dont have to immediately move out of this home.

We agreed that with baby imminent, it's a good option to spend the next few weeks getting things in order and then actually make the big step, other side of baby.

As in... won't have to move out of this home immediately once I've told him he has to leave...

Not sure if that was clear

Glad she is supporting you, are you going to wait to tell him until after the birth?

@ns87 I think so, yes.

However, I am very aware that my behaviour is probably quite telling.

I think I may plant a few seeds so it's not a complete shock. Like just telling him the effect his situation is having on my mental health and that I am uncertain for the future etc etc.

He should already be aware of that, and looking after you. Take care of yourself OP! xx

I am so pleased that you have told Mum and she is being supportive.

Personally I think it all needs to be done sooner rather than later, as it will actually be ' easier ' without him being around once baby is born.