I can't do this anymore... I need OUT!!!! Please help me find the strength

[greenleaveseverywhere]

I am 8 months pregnant with our second baby and just when I think it's getting better, it gets worse again. He's 30k in debt. To friends, the bank, the council, me!!!

Inconsistent income which is frazzled away in repayments.

ZERO support. ZERO input toward either of my mat leave. ZERO date nights. ZERO ANYTHING.

I feel so alone. So unsupported.

We've just been out with friends and he couldn't pay the bill. I'm embarrassed, exhausted and tired.

I come from a very comfortable background and I have worked my ASS off to build a stable income for myself. He's munched his way through my savings which I have managed to rebuild (just about)

But I think I'm done.

I don't want this life.

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING)

...but I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

I don't need this stress with a baby due any minute.

But break up my family?! Cos of money?! What effect would this have on my kids?! I never envisioned a life with a broken family. That was NOT the plan.

(We are not married)

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why do you have to leave? What is the housing situation. Can he not leave?

Cross post..

I genuinely don't believe he's a bad person. He's not. But he's weak. And he's incapable and unfair.

The trust must be gone, I would be worried I would wake-up one day and he's spent everything.

Where does the money go?

It’s so hard OP, I was in a similar situation, DH had money problems when I met him. We sorted it all for him to go full circle and get in an even worse mess than before over the space of about 10 years. I knew I needed to leave but didn’t feel strong enough. I gave myself so much anxiety worrying about it until one day, I just snapped. Me and the kids left and moved in with my mum until he left the house. It’s quite early days but even now I know I’ve done the right thing. Do you have family you can go to until you have the baby and get on your feet? Or if now isn’t the right time, are you able to stay with him safely until you’re ready to leave?

@ns87 well luckily our finances are not linked in any way. Other than the fact he's taken lots of mine when I've bailed him out on rent bills etc . About 10k total.

He works for himself but it all goes towards paying off the never ending debts.

In his fairness, the past 6 months he has managed to have enough for most rent and bills after a long stint of not being able to pay it.

He buries his head on the sand and doesn't face up to things. So constantly new debts arising from unpaid affairs.

So you don't think he has a gambling issue or something like that?

How does he view his debt?

Really comforting to hear you were in the same boat.

Yes. I am 100% safe here. He's a safe man. Me and my children are loved . That's the really sad thing. He's just weak and I don't believe he will change.

I think I will have to wait til after baby to leave.

Does he earn very little or does he just have expensive habits and can’t live within his means because if it’s the latter he’s not going to change.

I’m sorry OP 💐

You instinct to get rid of him is correct. He will drag you and your DC down if you let him stay.

Do you rent or own your property? If you rent it’s unlikely he will want to take on the bills and rent himself so I would tell him he has to leave.

First I would make sure he has no access to any of your money /accounts. Change passwords to your accounts. Even if you think he doesn’t know them.

When you’ve done that get some friends to be there when you give him his marching orders. Preferably have his stuff packed first. With people there and with you clearly stating why he has to go (‘You spent my savings, your debts are a threat to the family, you don’t pull your weight, you act like another child I have to support’ etc) he is more likely to go without a fuss.

Ask for support from all friends and family. I bet many of them will be relieved you off loaded him and they will rally round.

Good luck.

Few questions about his spending.

He actually spends nothing. No nights out or new clothes or anything beyond the essential.

His work is self employed so monthly amounts vary hugely. But it's frazzled away as he attempts to pay off debts.

He doesn't have a structured repayment plan though. Debts are spread across a load of random things (family friends bank council) etc so it's not organised and manageable.

I am 100% sure there's no gambling etc

What's he spending everyone's money on? I had an ex who chose to be financially reliant on me and I just couldn't afford to continue the relationship. The stress was to much, he had no worries because I worried for both of us. I lost weight, had to go on antidepressants because my mental health was destroyed.
I went back to my parents, he couldn't afford the bills so moved out after a month and I moved back in and changed the locks.
You need to put yourself and baby first. Sometimes being in a relationship isn't the best thing for you. You being stressed won't be good for the baby.

I do own a small property which I could move into?
Well there you go, you are not exactly trapped. You don't really need our advice on the how. You already know that answer.

He's a nice guy and a good dad
No he's not. A good dad would provide for his children. He doesn't, and what is worse he is actively TAKING from the children by spending your savings so you can't provide properly either. Nice guys don't do that.

He is the one who has "broken" the family unit, although I despise people using the word broken. Usually the other person has already broken it and you are deciding whether to glue it back together (rarely works as you can never get the original back), or throw the broken bits away and start fresh.

I suspect you are looking for permission because you wonder if it's really that bad. Yes it is bad. Yes it will get worse. No he will never improve. He is a bad dad. He is a useless partner.

YOU CAN LEAVE FOR ANY REASON YOU LIKE, OR FOR NO REASON AT ALL. The collective mumsnet gives you permission to put yourself and the children first

Does he have to be self employed? Could he uses his skills to get employment so he would have a regular income.

When you leave he can get on a debt management plan and he can sort his life out but you should not stick around for him to do that.

But he could have been on a debt management plan all along so that would just be another nail in the coffin for me. He is taking money from you and your children because it's the path of most convenience for him.

Like right now he's sat having a cup of tea and it all feels so normal and calm. There's no lack of safety or aggression or anything like that.

Also my toddler who has no idea of this, adores him.

But inside I am crumbling. My mental health is on the floor because of his lack of ability to have his shit together.

I really, really appreciate all your words of encouragement - empowering me to realise I have permission to leave is very helpful..

He's a nice guy and a good dad (although not a whole load of input- I do EVERYTHING

He's not a nice guy and he isn't a good dad. He's got himself THIRTY GRAND in debt (apparently without telling you?) including spending YOUR savings, and you have to do everything for him. What's 'nice' about a man who puts you through that? What's 'good' about a dad who doesn't actually do anything to manage the kids and puts their home at risk by going into massive debt?

Moving with one child is far easier than with two and one being a newborn. Is the property you own empty? If so, move now with as little stress as possible, use your savings to get a removal company to come and pack all your stuff up and move you to your property. Ask family to come and help unpack, clean the house, set up beds etc. This gives you a few weeks to get settled before baby is born.
If your property is rented out, give the tenants notice and once baby is born move as above.
If he is constantly in debt you will always be worrying about money or he will be relying on you to provide for him and your DC and this will never change as he clearly is not earning enough. Could he get a regular job that brings in a monthly salary instead of being self employed with variable income?

There's no lack of safety or aggression or anything like that.
If you think you have to stay with someone because they make you laugh or haven't hit you then you have a serious problem and I recommend you explore your low boundaries after the baby is born. Ask the midwife or health visitor to signpost you for long term help (for future relationships or for this one).

But inside I am crumbling. My mental health is on the floor because of his lack of ability to have his shit together.
Speak to your midwife at your next appointment. You are at high risk of PND. He won't step up to care for the children so you need to. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Reach out.

But you are more or less paying the rent on your own if hes not (net) contributing.
Him paying towards the rent but then relying on you to bail him out elsewhere or eating into your savings is a net loss to you.

Sometimes problems are so big they seem unmanageable, however break it down into little steps/questions.
1 housing - whats the status of your other place? Is is tenanted? Is is furnished? How much notice do you have to give your current landlord? Who owns the furniture etc in your current home so how much stuff would you have to move. You have a couple of weeks to think these things through and make a plan. But could you give notice of say 2 months and aim to move when the baby is about a month old?
2 your maternity leave /pay? Are your finances secure to cover this. Make it clear you will not be bailing him out any more particularly if you are going to be off work for any period of time.
3 the children longer term, contact, financial support etc

Just remember you're not taking the children away from him, there's no reason you can't co-parent well with him and you can work out a schedule which works for you both. Your children deserve a happy, relaxed mum.

You sound mentally deranged! Are you all right?

You have your own place to stay, a steady income with savings. Get out asap. Start decluttering your stuff (say your nesting). Get all important docs together. Then gradually start to move stuff out. When you feel ready, tell him its over and go. You sound a strong lady who will no doubt be perfectly ok. Good luck with the birth

You don't need permission to leave him. If you are unhappy then leave.

However, it sounds like the depts are from living. He needs to look at his dept's, make a comprehensive list of who he owes money to and the amounts and talk to a money advice unit. There are depts that he should prioritise like council tax and rent and things that he can leave for a while like personal depts with friends. He needs to also make a budget of outgoing and incomings.

I think at the moment lots of people are in dept. The cost of living is SO high. I spend what used to be a week's good budget just on fruit and veg. Our rent, utilities, food basically everything has gone up. But wages not so much.

You can't get blood from a stone. If he's not being frivolous and not gambling, doing drugs ect but still getting into dept then he needs to consider his lifestyle. Can he downsize his rental, budget better on food shop ect.

Your about to have another kid, which is a blessing but will also be another cost, so life will only getore expensive.

Also are you claiming everything you cam claim as a couple. You could be entitled to UC. Are you getting child benefi