Sad DH doesn’t seem to like our child

[123bumblebee]

I never thought I would be writing this. My DH is a very sensitive, caring, hard working man. He does all of the cooking in the house, we’ve always worked as a team to just get things done.

We have a 2.5 year old. She has been very challenging to raise. She can be delightful, she is very intelligent, she can say lots of works and speaks in full sentences with correct context. But she’s also been very difficult. She has been on the move since she was 4 months old and won’t be contained. She hates being dressed, nappy changes have always been a bloody nightmare, she would never be swaddled or wrapped in a towel. She gets angry and frustrated easily. Shes been a nightmare sleeper, she still wakes 3-4 times a night. And is very mummy orientated to the point where she won’t let my husband do anything for her. We have tried our best with her, we are both quiet and sensitive.

I never had any thoughts that DH would be anything other than amazing. He has nephews he is wonderful with, very engaged. He’s very loving and caring with animals.

But he just…isn’t with our DD. I have to push him to engage with her. When I think he’s with her playing he’s actually sat on his phone. He won’t take her out by himself unless I plan something for them and almost physically have to kick them out of the door. He doesn’t remember to brush her teeth in the morning and will spend ages chasing her around both getting more and more wound up to get her dressed and I end up having to intervene as otherwise they wouldn’t leave the house.

This morning I wasn’t feeling great. I ended up sleeping for much longer than usual until 9 (so unlike me!). DH was awake since 7 with DD but brought her into our bed to watch tv and then sat on his phone. I had DD rolling all over me while trying to sleep. Then when I woke I had to tell him to get into the shower and take her downstairs so I could just catch my breath and get ready without her hanging off me.

Im just so sad at having to do everything for my DD even when he is supposed to be having her. And him never taking her out or seeming to want to spend any time with her.

Im sad for my little girl that her dad doesn’t seem to like her, I’ve even asked him outright. Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there is any chance he is having an affair. He doesn’t leave the house other than to go to work or do DIY trips for projects he is working on. He has no hobbies outside of the house and meet ups with friends are those instigated by me.

She sounds extremely challenging. Hopefully they will form more of a bond as she grows up. Sometimes toddlers are hard to like

I am really sorry. He sounds like an introvert who is a bit selfish. He has identified her as “not my problem “ or rather as a problem he needs to avoid. So his solution is to dump her on you 100 percent of the time.

He could solve the problem but I don’t think you can.

I would sit him down and tell him you are not satisfied with his parenting skills and ask him what he will do to create a strong and loving bond with his daughter? Maybe he would have some thoughts if he realizes it can’t be avoided.

See I think this is more common than you’d think. It’s very easy to be calm, loving and fully engaged with nephews… when you see them once a week for an hour at a time. It’s VERY different to having your own who is there every minute of every day.

I also think this can be a tricky age but he needs to keep trying, he needs to keep organising things for them, schedule in some proper 1-1 time focused on her and their relationship. But it is all on him OP, you need to step back and stop being the facilitator.

2.5 is deep in the trenches. You're both struggling as it is hard. Stay as a team and it will get better.

This OP.
Can you work on her sleeping, she's old enough to leave for longer at night. Could you leave her with a relative for the night so she starts getting used to you not always coming at her beck and call?
And generally can you work on her behaviour?

Wow. This is quite the answer.

OP: my husband cannot be bothered to engage with my tiny daughter.

MN: you, the mother, need to improve how you parent this tiny child so that he, The Man, can enjoy her.

Is there a regular activity they could do together that they would enjoy? Eg he could take her swimming or to a baby gym class?

I'm sure their bond will grow when she is a bit less challenging. Two year olds are hard work!

If she's waking multiple times in the night I'd work on that , you must both be absolutely shattered and her behavior will probably improve too. A friend just used a sleep consultant, best £80 they ever spent by all accounts and child sleeping through and everyone much happier.

Why can't he just put his phone down, though? Why does the OP have to find fucking Rugby Tots? Why can't he?

My DP struggled with our youngest who was a very fiesty, wanting to be fully independent toddler who didn't sleep. I was DC's go to person. It could be draining.

It broke me when DP said he couldn't bond with him.

Things are now so different. DP worked on finding mutual interests (or engaging with DC's interests). They did/do swimming fun, cinema which now leads to going for a meal after and chatting.

I think it will change. Might help for him to take responsibility for something e.g. swimming/dance/gym/library visits??

I must say I'm surprised at the pp on this thread who seem to be putting the responsibility for this situation on to OP.
I can't see how this bond between the child and her DH is going to magically appear when she is older if he doesn't put the effort in. The implication from some pp is that it's up to OP to take all the strain of the difficult early years.

Putting his phone down would be a start. And make some effort to actually engage with his daughter.

Unfortunately there's a difference between a full on child and a lazy parent and I'd say your DH falls into the lazy parent category.

Your DH has decided your the mother therefore she's your responsibility.

Some men are just selfish and once they realise a small human needs lots of care and is a huge responsibility they just switch off which isn't acceptable because you're not allowed to do that.

You need a real come to Jesus talk with your DH.

A Jesus talk??

I found swimming lessons for them and encouraged him to be in charge of signing her up and taking her. And I think they were enjoying it but he didn’t sign her up for the next term- his excuse was that it was coming up to summer and they were doing it on a weekend so he didn’t want to be tied down by swimming lessons but I think that was just an excuse.

She is a hard toddler. It’s always hard to know how others behave at home but feels like she has been extra tough. I feel like I’ve had a toddler since she was about 12 months old! She is getting better, I can actually take her to the shops now without her having a full on meltdown.

I think we have both found it tougher than expected. We are both introverts who struggle with chaos and loud noises- not great for a toddler! Hence probably why I’ve always just stepped in when she is crying as I know I can soothe her. But I also worry that he won’t give her the love that she needs to be shown so probably give her more to make up for that.

Im just exhausted from doing it all. It was fine when I was on mat leave, lonely but fine. But now I’m back at work as a HCP working long hours I’m struggling to do it all. I hate having to almost push them away for them to leave the bloody house without me. Or having to plan every activity. I booked them soft play last week as I had work I needed to catch up on and I had to step in to get her ready and them out of the door as they were already 30 mins late. unfortunately, not possible to do work away from the house as I am in patient records and it is all set up securely at home.

@Sheelanogig sounds like we have the same child! Utterly exhausting isn’t it?

Of course, he has decided he doesn’t want another. It’s too much work, he’s found it too tiring. When I’ve done all the bloody hard work!

the expression had become a metaphor for a transformative meeting or moment—like a hard talk, a wake-up call, facing the facts, an intervention, seeing the light.

🙄

Oh yeah... make sure you get in time for you, even just going to bed really early to read etc... I'm sending solidarity to you. The toddler years were hard, it does change.

But make him step up and take responsibility - swimming Saturday morning etc.

Ahhh!

I was thinking I don't recall Jesus being a hands on father.

i think it’s really hard to be excited for a child and then they only want the other parent. All kids go through phases where they want one parent more than another. Some kids are more latched on to their mums for ages. It’s hard feeling rejected day in day out. He hasn’t had an unbroken night’s sleep for 2.5 years (unless op is going to say she does all night times without him offering - in that case he’s just a dick). Toddler time is soooooo tough even with an easy kid. It’s all just a big mess. And men are allowed to get depressed too. Also as mums, we definitely hide in our phones too sometimes!

in a few months you’ll probably find the kid is really into him and you’ll be jealous! But right now he should do some stuff alone with her where he has to be engaged - swimming class was suggested already and that’s a good idea. where there’s an instructor as a focal point and not all on him to be the entertainment (and feel rejected again and again if she doesn’t like his efforts)

if he’s not willing to work on it though then you have a problem.

Well tough if he doesn’t like her. He is still his father and is supposed to step parenting wise, not to let it all to the OP.
Who I’m pretty sure has had time she wants to pack it all out too. But she doesn’t have that luxury does she?

I have to say all that talk that ‘it’s normal. It will get better as baby gets older and they can start doing things together’… is grating. A LOT.

When I dc1 I had PND and I didn’t bond with him for years. I mean it started to feel better when he was about 2.5yo and I only truly felt my love for him until he was 4yo. They were shitty, shitty 4 years.
But you know what? I never spend my time on my phone, refused to go out with them or stop caring/parenting. Instead, I looked after them and made a special effort to act in a caring, loving way. I worked with all I had to be as caring as I could. Because that was my responsibility as a parent.

So to hear ‘oh poor him. Toddlers years are hard. It’s normal.’ what the f**
He is a parent. He is an adult. Up to him to step up. The OP isn’t a superhero that can manage those toddler years Wo no help. She is human and needs support. If he can’t do it for his child, Mayeb he could at least do it for the OP. You know the one he is supposed to love. The one who says she is exhausted and needs support NOW.

I am very upset on your behalf and on your child’s behalf.

Try looking at books on toddler years—and request he join you by listening to the audio version or watching (good) YouTubes. Im thinking of things like The Explosive Child or Raising your spirited child or How to talk so children will listen/how to listen so children will talk.

Perhaps if he grasps that parenting is a skill that he must learn and a task that he must do he will apply himself.

The point is he does not have the right to check out of co parenting.

He sounds like a shit dad. What a disappointment he must be to you, OP. Especially as he’s decided he doesn’t want another, even though you did and do everything.