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Original poster

Sad DH doesn’t seem to like our child

90 replies

123bumblebee · 11/08/2024 12:01

I never thought I would be writing this. My DH is a very sensitive, caring, hard working man. He does all of the cooking in the house, we’ve always worked as a team to just get things done.

We have a 2.5 year old. She has been very challenging to raise. She can be delightful, she is very intelligent, she can say lots of works and speaks in full sentences with correct context. But she’s also been very difficult. She has been on the move since she was 4 months old and won’t be contained. She hates being dressed, nappy changes have always been a bloody nightmare, she would never be swaddled or wrapped in a towel. She gets angry and frustrated easily. Shes been a nightmare sleeper, she still wakes 3-4 times a night. And is very mummy orientated to the point where she won’t let my husband do anything for her. We have tried our best with her, we are both quiet and sensitive.

I never had any thoughts that DH would be anything other than amazing. He has nephews he is wonderful with, very engaged. He’s very loving and caring with animals.

But he just…isn’t with our DD. I have to push him to engage with her. When I think he’s with her playing he’s actually sat on his phone. He won’t take her out by himself unless I plan something for them and almost physically have to kick them out of the door. He doesn’t remember to brush her teeth in the morning and will spend ages chasing her around both getting more and more wound up to get her dressed and I end up having to intervene as otherwise they wouldn’t leave the house.

This morning I wasn’t feeling great. I ended up sleeping for much longer than usual until 9 (so unlike me!). DH was awake since 7 with DD but brought her into our bed to watch tv and then sat on his phone. I had DD rolling all over me while trying to sleep. Then when I woke I had to tell him to get into the shower and take her downstairs so I could just catch my breath and get ready without her hanging off me.

Im just so sad at having to do everything for my DD even when he is supposed to be having her. And him never taking her out or seeming to want to spend any time with her.

Im sad for my little girl that her dad doesn’t seem to like her, I’ve even asked him outright. Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there is any chance he is having an affair. He doesn’t leave the house other than to go to work or do DIY trips for projects he is working on. He has no hobbies outside of the house and meet ups with friends are those instigated by me.

OP posts:

TemuSpecialBuy · 15/08/2024 09:38

Your DH is the problem and bluntly you are enabling it. It has to stop.

my Dd sounds pretty similar she’s 2.5 smart as a whip and a joyous whirlwind of energy. Your toddler isn’t at fault.

I’d be tackling it hard now.

he does alternate bedtimes. Doesn’t matter what she wants.
my dd roars her head off as “she wants mummy”.
10months ago it was 20 mins of kicking off now it’s 1 minute once a week and she’s happily playing with him.

Your husband also needs to spends a block on time with her daily and if needed you confiscate his phone and ensure there's no tv.

every sat or sun there is a 1:1 outing for an hour minimum

Scarletrunner · 15/08/2024 09:40

He can read How to talk so little kids will listen -if he tries some of these suggestions they might work so then he’ll feel a sense of achievment
Also most DCs inherit personalities from their DPs or DGPs. It’s not her really -it’s everyone else but some quiet walks in the wood or park are a good idea- finding sticks, flowers, round stones etc

Findinganewme · 15/08/2024 09:49

My 5 year old is hard work, as she screams when she has ‘big feelings’. My immediate internal response is to shut down. My husband pushes me to just hug her to pacify her, but I find the noise so overwhelming, that my heart races. What I’m saying is that perhaps there is another reason, for your husband.

maybe, since you seem so good at dealing with your daughter, your husband has low confidence in his ability to take the lead? Perhaps he feels less competent and that his role, is as the passenger?

Beamur · 15/08/2024 10:01

Sympathies. I had a sensitive very Mummy orientated toddler. Who literally pushed her Dad away.
It was very disheartening for him and relentless for me.
What helped was me literally leaving them to it. If your DP is reluctant to do activities, presumably because it really isn't very rewarding for him, then take yourself out of the picture - go out for the afternoon or similar. DD and DH got on just fine as long as I wasn't there.
With us, it did pass and they have a good relationship and bond now.

AnnaCBi · 15/08/2024 10:19

123bumblebee · 11/08/2024 12:49

I found swimming lessons for them and encouraged him to be in charge of signing her up and taking her. And I think they were enjoying it but he didn’t sign her up for the next term- his excuse was that it was coming up to summer and they were doing it on a weekend so he didn’t want to be tied down by swimming lessons but I think that was just an excuse.

She is a hard toddler. It’s always hard to know how others behave at home but feels like she has been extra tough. I feel like I’ve had a toddler since she was about 12 months old! She is getting better, I can actually take her to the shops now without her having a full on meltdown.

I think we have both found it tougher than expected. We are both introverts who struggle with chaos and loud noises- not great for a toddler! Hence probably why I’ve always just stepped in when she is crying as I know I can soothe her. But I also worry that he won’t give her the love that she needs to be shown so probably give her more to make up for that.

Im just exhausted from doing it all. It was fine when I was on mat leave, lonely but fine. But now I’m back at work as a HCP working long hours I’m struggling to do it all. I hate having to almost push them away for them to leave the bloody house without me. Or having to plan every activity. I booked them soft play last week as I had work I needed to catch up on and I had to step in to get her ready and them out of the door as they were already 30 mins late. unfortunately, not possible to do work away from the house as I am in patient records and it is all set up securely at home.

My child is also very full on. We both find it hard. Every day is different but sometimes it’s eating others it’s dressing, sometimes it’s the pram or nappy changes…

it sounds like you try to divide and conquer - but could you do some things together? We find it easier when we work together to get her nappy done, changed and out the door. I could leave my husband to it, but it’s genuinely hard. If he’s around and I’m taking her out to nursery(on my days off) or swimming he’ll help us get ready too. My husband has always done nursery drop offs on his own when start work early, but I know he finds it really hard to get her to do anything in good time.

Just because he finds it hard doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her. And these days there is a real phone scrolling addiction, people will scroll on their phone when their favourite tv show is on or when speaking to a good friend on the phone, it doesn’t always mean the person doesn’t like the other thing (your child!).

Vettrianofan · 15/08/2024 10:24

Duckingella · 11/08/2024 12:51

the expression had become a metaphor for a transformative meeting or moment—like a hard talk, a wake-up call, facing the facts, an intervention, seeing the light.

Show quote history

Amen to that!

Ihavenonname · 15/08/2024 10:54

My daughter is 7 and autistic. She is very mummy oriented and hardwork the sleeping and behaviours very similar ( I am not saying your child is ) hubby was the same (& still to a degree ) but it was because he was scared & felt he was doing the right thing,
He picked up the slack in other ways such as housework etc he still nervous other than a park to take her out alone but at home he will try if she let him. He loves her very much but those toddler years he was scared he get it wrong so helped in other ways. He always tried to keep her away for me an hour an eve for bath in peace but wasn’t always able to as her screams just wasn’t relaxing anyway! I would talk to him how your feeling & good luck

Palease · 15/08/2024 16:52

Marvelsquirrel · 15/08/2024 08:46

Our eldest son was like this. Very bright but really hard work. Poor sleeper and clingy to me. He had a really poor relationship with his dad when he was little but since he turned about 7 years old and started to be more mature in the way he communicated they have got on really well.
I think my husband didn’t know how to cope with the tantrums and would get angry so my son felt happier with me. It’s not easy and in an ideal world both dad and mum would be wonderful with their children.
It’s hard when they are little because you have to guess what they need based on knowledge of what they eaten that day, how long they’ve slept and general experience of how they react to things. Dads don’t always spend as much time with young children because they are generally the ones to go to work. So they are less in tune with their needs and perhaps lose confidence when they get it wrong.
Even if children can speak well I still don’t think they understand their own feelings enough to articulate them.
I just wanted to let you know that it probably won’t always be like this and they will likely have a better bond as she grows up. I’ve met a lot of parents in the same boat. Even when the dad is great with young kids the child prefers their mum in the preschool years.

same story here. My DH had no patience for DS behaviour and was upset by his obvious preference to me so felt rejected. He’s 6 now and they play Minecraft together and he helps him in the garden. They have a much better relationship. Like OP I worried about their relationship but it’s not up to you to fix it. I told me DH I was worried about their relationship but he laughed it off so I resigned myself to well, it’s his loss if DS has no bond with him.

I’d advise to stop managing their time together. So what if they spend all day indoors? Just leave them to it and he’ll figure out his own way. He’ll lack confidence and think he’s doing everything wrong if you sort everything for them all the time. Go to work and leave them to it.

also, boundaries. Say to him you want a lie in and don’t appreciate being woken up by DD climbing all over you (my DH did the exact same, would piss me off so much as he could sleep through it!). To make it fair have a day a week that you each get to have a lie in and the other entertains DD downstairs.

Ashleigh96 · 16/08/2024 12:12

This must be so frustrating for you to be tasked with 100% of the parenting despite being in a couple.
I wonder if your partner feels rejected by your daughter and their lack of bond given she wants you all the time. I’d try to have an honest but non-judgemental conversation about how parenting is going for both of you and the struggles you’re having. Then you could create a plan to better share parenting responsibilities but I expect it won’t happen over night and your partner will have to build a bond with your daughter as well as confidence in his own parenting skills.

Threetiersystem44 · 16/08/2024 12:17

Suggest your dh goes to parenting classes and/or goes out with male friends and their dc and learns from them.

Agree with pp that it’s time for an honest conversation with your dh and a statement that it’s not your job to manage their relationship or time together. He needs to find a way.

Also agree that this will get easier with time.

Veganham · 16/08/2024 19:57

I feel like you have just written my life.. our home situation is very similar. Life is HARD. One thing I just wanted to highlight in case you hadn’t considered it… the struggles you note with your daughter are the same as ours, and some more but I wonder if you have considered whether she may be autistic?

Since my DH has realised this his relationship is much better with DD. He knows coping strategies that help her to calm down and listen to him and thus their time together becomes more enjoyable and fun rather than a struggle of power and refusal.

DD refuses most things and has meltdowns about going out etc. but what we have found works is giving her time to process before acting. So plenty of ‘heads up’ about what’s going to happen, when she says no, we say ok, well we do need to go so have some time to think about it. When she meltdowns we don’t go mad back at her we offer her a hug and let her re-stabilise herself in our arms. Once she has she is usually ok to then do the activity we planned. I find she has meltdowns and says no because she is so over stimulated and although she understands, anxiety causes her to be unable to process it probably causing an outburst.

ignore if I’m completely off point but I didn’t want to not say incase it could be relevant and help you..

BoundaryGirl3939 · 17/08/2024 09:19

Maybe he has no confidence or skills in dealing with her. I think watching 'Supernanny' is great. Think dd needs to be reigned in a little for him to manage.

SemperIdem · 17/08/2024 09:27

This all sounds very similar to a friend of mine’s situation. Child is slightly older though.

In her instance, and in yours, I firmly believe the partner is the problem.

Your life would be easier without him in it, half arsing it, being negative and generally getting in the way.

Poddledoddle · 17/08/2024 12:00

You haven't mentioned one rhink that makes me think he doesn't like her. Based on your title I was expecting much worse. He just sounds clueless and not very hands on, have you been the main care give due to maternity leave for example?

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2024 14:57

He has checked out and is selfish. Honestly I would give him a set of hours/tasks and tell him to be responsible for them. He can figure out how. Its not like you had a manual installed in your head at birth. But be frank “If you don’t know how to be a great father fucking figure it out. Our child deserves the best . I demand the best. You can be the best father and that will make you a husband I can admire and love. Step the fuck up.”

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