Sad DH doesn’t seem to like our child

[123bumblebee]

I never thought I would be writing this. My DH is a very sensitive, caring, hard working man. He does all of the cooking in the house, we’ve always worked as a team to just get things done.

We have a 2.5 year old. She has been very challenging to raise. She can be delightful, she is very intelligent, she can say lots of works and speaks in full sentences with correct context. But she’s also been very difficult. She has been on the move since she was 4 months old and won’t be contained. She hates being dressed, nappy changes have always been a bloody nightmare, she would never be swaddled or wrapped in a towel. She gets angry and frustrated easily. Shes been a nightmare sleeper, she still wakes 3-4 times a night. And is very mummy orientated to the point where she won’t let my husband do anything for her. We have tried our best with her, we are both quiet and sensitive.

I never had any thoughts that DH would be anything other than amazing. He has nephews he is wonderful with, very engaged. He’s very loving and caring with animals.

But he just…isn’t with our DD. I have to push him to engage with her. When I think he’s with her playing he’s actually sat on his phone. He won’t take her out by himself unless I plan something for them and almost physically have to kick them out of the door. He doesn’t remember to brush her teeth in the morning and will spend ages chasing her around both getting more and more wound up to get her dressed and I end up having to intervene as otherwise they wouldn’t leave the house.

This morning I wasn’t feeling great. I ended up sleeping for much longer than usual until 9 (so unlike me!). DH was awake since 7 with DD but brought her into our bed to watch tv and then sat on his phone. I had DD rolling all over me while trying to sleep. Then when I woke I had to tell him to get into the shower and take her downstairs so I could just catch my breath and get ready without her hanging off me.

Im just so sad at having to do everything for my DD even when he is supposed to be having her. And him never taking her out or seeming to want to spend any time with her.

Im sad for my little girl that her dad doesn’t seem to like her, I’ve even asked him outright. Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there is any chance he is having an affair. He doesn’t leave the house other than to go to work or do DIY trips for projects he is working on. He has no hobbies outside of the house and meet ups with friends are those instigated by me.

Some of us aren't cut out to be mums and dads.
Shame for the guy he didn't realise that properly when younger.
Full stop.

He has to be a father to the child he created though.
He doesn’t get to chose to step away from that one (or shouldn’t because yes I can see how things are going to unfold for the OP 😢😢)

I'd call it weaponised incompetence. Why would he do these difficult things if he can get you to? You need to put some ear plugs in and leave him to it a bit so he learns to cope. Also have a set day for you both to lie in with the rule that the child doesn't get taken up to the bed.

How are they a team? He's dropped out.

These are really really excellent books - I cannot recommend How to Talk... enough. And I'm often on here recommending The Explosive Child - they are both fantastic guides to children who are less compliant!

She is a hard toddler.

I'm not doubting it's hard parenting right now, but be very careful of putting responsibility on your tiny DD.

He's an inadequate father. That's the issue.

I don't think from what you've said she sounds any different to any other toddler. Behaviour is often linked to tiredness, boredom, not being directly engaged with and also testing boundaries and wanting to do things herself.
Annoying as it is, you might have to write up a list of shit he needs to do. Then a routine can get established and hopefully the favouritism will even out. And the behaviour too if she is being directly engaged with ie. not just set up with an activity but someone actually doing it with her, talking to her, encouraging her etc. He won't have a chance to be on the stupid phone if he is doing that.
So, list of morning routine and bedtime routine. He does one or the other. Make getting dressed more interesting. Give her two of each item to choose from. Let her try to put them on herself. Chocolate button for each item she does. Chocolate button for you for each item you do for her. Or a race - put a song on and you have to get her dressed before the song ends for a button. Stuff like that.
Bedtime, he reads her a couple of nice books. He does bathtime WITHOUT phone in bathroom so he can play. Get bathtime toys like shopping list where you have to find food items in the bubbles. Teeth cleaning. She does the top row, he does the bottom, then 'checks' the top row. Sing a song while doing it to time it. Don't hold her or her head while doing it so she doesn't feel trapped.
Then, a daily play activity that he has to do with her. Hide and seek a toy. Make a card with glue and craft stuff. Do colouring together. Make an assault course round the house for her and time her.
Sit him the fuck down and tell him he needs to properly engage with her. Eye contact. Talking. No phone. He has to join in. Take the hit of planning activities for them at first to get the ball rolling.
I've got a partner, a 9 and 3 year old. He does a lot with them but lacks imagination and cant do pretend play. Still needs prompting off his phone sometimes to do the daily stuff like hair and teeth (maybe if I said nothing it would EVENTUALLY happen, but like, midday). But he does baking with them, lets them paint his nails, plays catch, water balloons, reads bedtime stories, goes swimming with them, does colouring, board games, chalks etc. He is still the sort of person who would rather go out to entertain them than stay home and think of stuff. But he has improved.
Introvert doesn't mean you don't engage with your own child. You both managed to have introverted sex. You can both manage to interact with a human who is here because of you, to develop their brain, not just veg out with screens.

It's not idea but sounds quite normal tbh. There are many, many men who are exactly like this especially during the baby and toddler phase. It's not that they actively dislike their child but just that they don't find it exciting or interesting to spend time with them. It's also the reason why so many marriages break down within the first 1-3 years of having a baby.

You have the option of sticking it out until she's older and hoping for the best. Many men find it easier to bond with older children (4 above) because it's easier to interact with them. They can participate in some shared activities that are fun for both like going to the cinema or going out for a meal.

Other option is to resign yourself to being a "married single mother". This happens shockingly often but many women will never admit to it. Some mothers single handedly raise 3-4 kids entirely alone in what looks like a happy marriage from the outside. They've accepted the fact that their partner does not enjoy spending time with small children and they take over the lions share of the work.

Unless there's actual abuse going on, having a distant father won't do a huge amount of damage. It's no different to having a father who travels a lot or is often away for work. The dynamic will change naturally once kids get older and things may improve.

No she doesn't. She sounds like a toddler BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.

My ex found it very hard to bond with second daughter, she did sleep but was challenging from about 12 months, she was and is very clever, she was very attached to me till about 7 years old then she blossomed into finding her feet.
When she became an adult she remembered being bored as a young child and I was the only one who just let her be.
I luckily was a SAHM so was able to give the time she needed with me.
No one is to blame we all have different personalities and react to situations differently, my daughter now has a good relationship with her dad, but he had to put in the effort

What is her diet like?
Is she reacting to something like wheat or dairy?
Does she have sugar?

Just as well that the OP isn’t doing the same than her DH then?

Im not quite sure how a toddler would cope with both parents being distant or away with work 🤔🤔

But yay, let’s tell women it’s ‘normal’ and they just have to bear it in the hope that he’ll wake up after the toddler years.

Or resign themselves to being a single mum (with or Wo the father on the side)

And toddlers are MASSIVE TWATS

@123bumblebee

Very similar to my experience with my DD and my partner.

My daughter still wakes at 3.5 unless we co-sleep.

I think you're doing a good job OP, kids are hard work. Toddlers are mentally draining. Men are generally pretty selfish.

They really aren’t. They are incredible machines for learning. They are growing and investigating around the clock. They sometimes get cranky and overwhelmed but good parenting is recognizing and caring for them in those moments, and enjoying all the other marvelous moments.

Every toddler is unique and has their own set of traits.
I know from personal experience.
One behaved this way until the age of 4-5, while the other was a dream in comparison.

sadly, they are to some

Absolutely no argument from me!

Women go on here, read books, follow parenting experts on insta and generally learn how to parent toddlers. It’s a skill. Yet men don’t seem to do this and seem to think it will all be playing football in the garden. I know a huge generalisation but why doesn’t he think he has to learn? To work out how to help with her sleep? Work out how to entertain her? Find out what connections they have. You won’t be alone in this sadly op.

When you’re a grown up, who has made a grown up decision to create a new life, you don’t get to just decide that your child is ‘difficult’ and ‘hard to like’ and that you’re going to opt out parenting. What if the OP said the same? Could they both just opt out because she’s ‘hard to like’? Who would care for the poor kid?

The way I see it there are two issues. Him pulling his weight and him liking her. Right now the first is most important, whether he wants to or not he needs to spend time alone with her to give you a break. You need to talk to him about this and you need to come up with strategies together to deal with her behaviour. He needs to know that you are struggling too. The second issue isn't really an issue because this isn't who she is, this is a phase and has no reflection on what she will be like at 4 or 14. Maybe he needs reassurance that it's ok to not enjoy this time and just work through it. I'm sure you don't enjoy most of it either. I had a very difficult child and i get it. Dh and I still look back and feel we were unlucky. While all toddlers can be tricky, most people don't get to experience the hell that is a difficult toddler who doesn't respond to any conventional advice and the very serious damage this can do to a relationship.

If you can get a babysitter try and go for a walk and coffee or whatever and really talk about it. Maybe make schedules or divide labour differently.

This is all true for the majority of toddlers. But some are just a whole new level. Dh are I used to joke that our DS would reduce global overpopulation because we thought every one who encountered him ran away to double their contraception.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong mines only just gone to bed after a whole day up since 6am without a nap, playing in the garden, in and out of the paddling pool all day. I’m totally exhausted and now only got an hour to get ready for work tomorrow and 13 hour shift tomorrow.

@123bumblebee God love you, I do not envy you. My former nightmare is just finished mowing the lawn and I'm watching Netflix, hard to believe but it will pass, I promise.

Blaming a child for being a normal child as the reason for her dads incompetence is really quite a leap.

It sounds like you are a single parent in all but name. Have you discussed your feelings about this with him? How does he respond? How is he in other aspects of his life such as work? Could there be some underlying depression at play?

Your DH inability to connect with his child and be an adequate parent is not your child’s fault.