Sad DH doesn’t seem to like our child

[123bumblebee]

I never thought I would be writing this. My DH is a very sensitive, caring, hard working man. He does all of the cooking in the house, we’ve always worked as a team to just get things done.

We have a 2.5 year old. She has been very challenging to raise. She can be delightful, she is very intelligent, she can say lots of works and speaks in full sentences with correct context. But she’s also been very difficult. She has been on the move since she was 4 months old and won’t be contained. She hates being dressed, nappy changes have always been a bloody nightmare, she would never be swaddled or wrapped in a towel. She gets angry and frustrated easily. Shes been a nightmare sleeper, she still wakes 3-4 times a night. And is very mummy orientated to the point where she won’t let my husband do anything for her. We have tried our best with her, we are both quiet and sensitive.

I never had any thoughts that DH would be anything other than amazing. He has nephews he is wonderful with, very engaged. He’s very loving and caring with animals.

But he just…isn’t with our DD. I have to push him to engage with her. When I think he’s with her playing he’s actually sat on his phone. He won’t take her out by himself unless I plan something for them and almost physically have to kick them out of the door. He doesn’t remember to brush her teeth in the morning and will spend ages chasing her around both getting more and more wound up to get her dressed and I end up having to intervene as otherwise they wouldn’t leave the house.

This morning I wasn’t feeling great. I ended up sleeping for much longer than usual until 9 (so unlike me!). DH was awake since 7 with DD but brought her into our bed to watch tv and then sat on his phone. I had DD rolling all over me while trying to sleep. Then when I woke I had to tell him to get into the shower and take her downstairs so I could just catch my breath and get ready without her hanging off me.

Im just so sad at having to do everything for my DD even when he is supposed to be having her. And him never taking her out or seeming to want to spend any time with her.

Im sad for my little girl that her dad doesn’t seem to like her, I’ve even asked him outright. Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there is any chance he is having an affair. He doesn’t leave the house other than to go to work or do DIY trips for projects he is working on. He has no hobbies outside of the house and meet ups with friends are those instigated by me.

Does your husband see this as a problem? If he doesn't then you'll have to spell it out. If he does, them would he be open to reading some parenting books and finding other bonding things to do with DC? My Dd didn't 'like' DH for a long time. A friend suggested he do all the bedtimes and got a special book just for them, he got the 'you choose' books and they had this lovely times every night. It really helped. Then he invented a game with Playmobil called chatty dads, he put on silly voices. Again something that was just for them. He read books like how to talk so little kids will listen.

Isn't that both of their jobs? Not just the OP's.

He needs to grow up and find positive ways of interacting with her.

Some people don't realise they are not cut out to be a parent until after the child arrived!
You can be a great aunty/godmother/fun friend of mummy's, but when it comes to the reality of having your own, it can be very different.
If the child is particularly challenging, then it's even harder to love or even like them.
Sadly, you can't send them back!

He might be receptive to the idea that parenting is a skill, just like any skill he might develop and use at work, and that if he's struggling with performing the tasks he needs to, he might have to upskill (sometimes men respond better to things being put in these terms). If he introduced a few concrete steps, for example reading 3 behavioural books and starting a rule of 'no phone visible when DD is with you', that might get some momentum started for him to step his game up.

He's a selfish arse, tell him to get his shit together.

Sorry to be ‘that person’ on the thread but we had a somewhat similar situation in that DH was totally overwhelmed by parenting and our eldest is especially intense. Some years on DH has an ASD diagnosis and eldest kid is on the diagnostic pathway. Does this ring any bells for you?

“We have tried our best with her, we are both quiet and sensitive.”

I think this line implies a whole lot more of the key to the problem. Neither of you are prepared to put in the boundaries required to parent a child this age so as a consequence she is a ‘handful’. He’s checked out because it’s all too hard and you won’t put your foot down and be ‘bad cop’.

I think you both would benefit from parenting classes.

Any future diagnosis the child may have isn't relevant though is it? The issue is the lazy husband leaving all the parenting to the OP.

No you can’t, so you have to learn to be a decent parent, if you don’t want to fuck your child up completely.

My mate's husband wasn't great at engaging and getting involved till their child got a bit older
School age at least
I don't know how she put up with it but the husband is a lot better with child now
I really think it's just cos the child is older, nothing more

Maybe it'll be like this?

That's a hell of an assumption from the information here and especially from that line! 😂

I feel your pain, we had this too, our DD sounds very similar at the same age.

It transpired that DP felt totally shut out because of DD’s clear preference to me, and also lacked confidence because her (same sex) natural parenting technique, which had worked well with our oldest, didn’t work well for DD.

She gradually adapted - I persuaded her to spend more time with DD and read some parenting books - focusing on building attachments and low demand parenting as I was pretty sure she was ND (DP scoffed about this at the time but she is now diagnosed both ADHD and ASD - not saying your DD is BTW).

FF to now - parenting remains challenging but DP is awesome. They often appear closer than DD and I, because they have so many nerdy shared interests (Marvel, high level Lego ) that I am not part of. DD is 12 now, and DP is very much an equal parent.

Would he be prepared to read some parenting books?
You are deep in the trenches and doing amazingly BTW. Physical outlets were and are hugely important for DD and as she now does pony riding, biking, hiking, bouldering, etc. She can’t manage team sports. On the upside, I have never been so fit!

Our eldest son was like this. Very bright but really hard work. Poor sleeper and clingy to me. He had a really poor relationship with his dad when he was little but since he turned about 7 years old and started to be more mature in the way he communicated they have got on really well.
I think my husband didn’t know how to cope with the tantrums and would get angry so my son felt happier with me. It’s not easy and in an ideal world both dad and mum would be wonderful with their children.
It’s hard when they are little because you have to guess what they need based on knowledge of what they eaten that day, how long they’ve slept and general experience of how they react to things. Dads don’t always spend as much time with young children because they are generally the ones to go to work. So they are less in tune with their needs and perhaps lose confidence when they get it wrong.
Even if children can speak well I still don’t think they understand their own feelings enough to articulate them.
I just wanted to let you know that it probably won’t always be like this and they will likely have a better bond as she grows up. I’ve met a lot of parents in the same boat. Even when the dad is great with young kids the child prefers their mum in the preschool years.

she won’t let my husband do anything for her

this is your problem. She doesn’t get to make that choice. Butt out and leave him to it.

Your DH sounds like hard work. Perhaps she is reacting to him ignoring her? Your DD sounds great fun! I would probably get rid of your tech-addict and then spend more time surrounded by family who enjoy her company.

She's still a baby so your description of sleep sounds pretty normal.
You describe her healthy attachment to you as clingy. Sounds more like burn out to me (from doing everything whilst he does not).

My daughter is nearly 2.5 and at times I don't like or enjoy being with her, I can't wait for work days at times and that's after going to hell and back to get her into this world, she is very difficult and totally different to her big brother at that age, he was a breeze.... everything with her is drama, stubbornness, independence, won't listen, hits out and is very clingy, it's ok to say it's a struggle and that you find it hard, maybe he doesn't know how to just say it.... despite everything I love my daughter with all my being, struggling doesn't change that and I know it will get better

Not sure why everyone is hating on the Dad so much. Seems to me you need to have a conversation and hash it out together. What other choice is there? Toddlers are hellish but you can't let it drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Because he’s opted out of parenting his own child?

It is absolutely fine to leave her to watch TV on her own or play on her own for short periods.

If you're doing this 100% of the time you may find you're overstimulating her.

I really don't get that impression from the examples given.

Don’t you? I do. I guess we all have different ideas of decent parenting standards.

Why so snippy?

Not at all snippy, I just disagree with you. You asked ‘why are people hating on the dad?’ and I gave an answer from my perspective.
The fact is that if the OP decided to opt out to the extent that the dad is, the child wouldn’t be being cared for properly. So she’s picking up the slack for his lazy parenting.

For some reason, people have lower standards of acceptable parenting for men than for women.