Regrets after moving in with DP - feeling very sad!!

[Username3000]

I really need to let this out after another night of no sleep and really would love some thoughts on it.

After two years together I moved 40 miles to move in with DP about two months ago.

He owns his house and I received a section 21 to vacate my rented property from my landlord which was when he suggested I move into his. For clarity I am also looking to buy a property and have put an offer on one. This is now underway and I have just received the mortgage offer.

The problem is since I’ve moved in with him I feel very different about our relationship. I have absolutely no idea where it’s all come from but I feel very different about DP and whether I want to be with him anymore. He hasn’t done anything specifically to warrant this feeling but I think from living together I’ve realised that I’m really not sure if it’s meant to be.

I do love him and care about him, but I’m now worried it’s now not a romantic style of love I have for him. Things have been so hectic lately I guess we’ve lost the chemistry and ‘fun’ to our relationship and it just feels very routine. I feel like we’re passing ships at the moment. Both work long hours and stressed about our jobs too so that doesn’t help. I have tried speaking to him about this and he has admitted he doesn’t know what to suggest.

It’s mad but it’s even conjured up missing my old life. I am divorced (divorced 5 years) and did have a happy life until we both agreed we had grown apart and split. It’s feel really weird to say this but I’ve had moments of missing my old life, ex husband and missing that feeling of loving someone!

I guess I just don’t feel very happy right now and I’ve noticed I’m getting teary a lot, feeling low and just wanting to escape. I have a history of depression which is well medicated and I am due a medication review as I feel it’s plateaued and I’m starting to feel very panicky at everything!

Its so very hard to talk about it to him as he doesn’t really know how to respond. My gut feeling is telling me I’m just not happy.

I’m also not sure if these feelings have been brought on by moving to a completely new town and area. I’m still finding my feet with everything here and miss the luxury of feeling settled somewhere.

I don’t want to throw away a relationship that has been very good to me. We never argue, have had some brilliant times and I feel comfortable with him. I don’t want to throw it away just because I don’t feel very settled right now. On the other hand I don’t want to continue something where underneath I’m just unhappy. It wouldn’t be fair on me or him. We’re both late 30s and have spoken about marriage before as he wishes to marry in the future so I don’t want to carry on a relationship where I don’t feel I have a future with him.

OP so he’s that overwhelmed that he’s basically carried on as before, with a busy social life, and a maid in situ?
That is really, really unfair of him to not listen to you and to your feelings.
As soon as you can get your bags packed, and your new home is ready, after reading your update is there anything really to salvage here?
Leave him to sort his life out. He sounds like he would be happier in a bachelor house, after a night in the pub with his mates.
I am sure you have had some good times - take them with you as a great experience.
Again, as you are very anxious right now you don’t have to say much just yet.
But I would be leaving him and his cat litter in the past.
Overwhelmed? You could not make it up!

He's a selfish arse and you are so glad you have found out without wasting any more time.
I wouldn't discuss anything further, but I would spend this time investing in exploring every possible local group to join.
I would absolutely drop the maid service.
Keep posting, we are here for you.

I think as time goes on I’m getting more annoyed at the things he’s doing.

For example I gave him £100 cash for food shopping yesterday. He goes out to the supermarket and comes back with nothing for actual meals we can cook. It’s all complete crap. His diet isn’t great but I feel frustrated he’s just thrown my money away like that. He spent a load of it on bloody protein shakes for him.

I have also realised I’m doing most of the household chores. I’ve had to ask him multiple times for help with them and only when it comes across as ‘nagging’ does he actually do anything. I’m frustrated at him and he is frustrated at me and it does nothing for romance does it?! I am upset at myself that I’ve taken on the role of his mother.. it certainly feels like that. I think he enjoys the fact I love a clean and tidy house as he knows I’ll do it all.

I think my gut feeling was right and I am starting to find the things he does unattractive. It’s turning me off him and making it very clear to me that I don’t want that. It’s not one specific thing, it’s a collection of them that’s built this overall negative picture in my head.

I feel frustrated it’s taken two years to come to light though however I have a feeling we’d never be able to really live together if this relationship continued.

God no, if he isn't doing his very best when you've just moved in then he isn't going to improve!! I moved in with a partner after 4 years. It ended after 12 weeks of living together- he was a completely different person once I was there permanently.
Your gut is telling you this is wrong.

Do you think that delegating chores in a flat mates type of discussion would be worth a try?

You were married before and you obviously just slotted into doing most of the washing etc maybe reminiscent of your earlier married role. He could have been being polite to not say anything but really he felt overwhelmed.

Reassess your living arrangements. Change things to how you would prefer. Enjoy your new home - reset your boundaries.

You can turn it into a positive by knowing that this man isnt for you, or certainly living together isnt right for you & I'd just ride it out until you move into your new property.

In the meantime don't do anything for him. Dont wash his clothes, cook his meals or tidy up. Just live like housemates. He doesn't respect you so you have to respect yourself.

Take it as a learning opportunity to increase your tolerance of mess.
An experiment if you will.
Stop acting as skivvy.
It creates a really negative pattern in your relationship.
You need to address that.
Take a loo each and you use the one you clean.
Can you take a bedroom so again your mess.
Stop all laurndry.
Do another shop with hin today where he pays for food not his stuff.
He sounds such a lazy selfish man, what a hard swerve.

Thank you, I’m glad I created this thread. It’s been useful to sort out my own feelings.

I did have a chat about the food shopping costs yesterday with him. To be fair he did hold his hands up and apologise, his reason was that he’s not used to living with a woman again. It feels like an excuse however he has offered to pay for a proper food shop so that we have actual ingredients to cook with.

I feel a bit naive about it all, I thought living together, albeit temporarily, would be nice. It’s been a huge shock. I suppose you don’t really know someone until you’ve lived with them.. 😂 it’s very obvious we are different though. He is definitely benefiting from me being here though.

I have decided I’m going to ride it out until my property is completed. I think even if we did to back to dating it wouldn’t feel the same for me. It’s been a good learning curve for me.

Perhaps this is a

OP this has been really tough but you at least know now how you feel more clearly.
He sounds like he’s full of excuses.
Quite frankly he wants a bachelor lifestyle and a live-in maid, and he’s got both.
So glad you have your new home to look forward to.
It is clear from living together you have very little in common. Agree with PP stop doing the housework. Look after your own stuff, do your own cooking and shopping. Treat it as a house share.

Haha the poor love being 'overwhelmed'! Overwhelmed would be him having to double the cleaning, cooking etc and also looking after the cat while you did nothing, In fact what he's actually feeling is the opposite of 'overwhelmed'. He should have upped his game and welcomed you into his home instead of sobbing self-pityingly in a corner. Glad the scales have fallen from your eyes and hope your property comes through soon.

Yes I completely agree. He’s not made me feel welcome at all, in fact I just feel on edge with him in case I make him feel more overwhelmed. I am grateful that he’s let me move in, of course I am, but I just feel it’s fucked our relationship.

He stayed up late last night on his Xbox whilst I went to bed. The cat miaowed to go out and instead of opening the door he came upstairs to wake me up so that I’d do it. It’s things like this that make me feel like I’m a massive burden to him. So unwelcoming.

You have reminded me of a similar situation so many years ago, nearly 35 years ago.
I was between flats and needed somewhere for a month. I had friends but my boyfriend at the time wouldn't hear of it.
So I moved in and we had a blissful month. He couldn't have been more kind, welcoming and helpful. He told me afterwards he just loved coming home to his apartment lit up and cosy, some half arsed food cooking( toasties and soup)and a good bottle of red breathing.
He told me afterwards he was very sad the first night he came home to darkness.
It had been a lovely month.
He proposed two months later and he actually moved into my new centrally located home 6 months later when his lease was up.
We are married 30+ years.
The cat business shows him to be an awful prick. Sorry!

This is so lovely and I wish I felt like this in my situation. I sadly feel nothing but a sadness within me due to it all.

Awful behaviour re waking you up to let your cat out. However, playing devils advocate, if he's not a cat person then he's being nice to let your cat stay. I'm not a dog person & in his situation if you wanted to bring a dog with you I'd be having second thoughts.

@Username3000 hes up and wakes YOU up to let the cat out? Ffs! Dump his arse*

spunking a wedge of YOUR cash on fucking protein drinks? LTB*

not used to living with a woman again? Bin him*

overwhelmed? Omfg. How has your Fanny not just slammed itself shut?

*when logistics permit

obvs this relationship is toast, thankfully before you could have made a humungous mistake by tying yourself legally to him.

ride this out, then fade him out.

hes a loser, he’s an insult to your intelligence.

Sorry wrong thread.

I moved in with a bf due to a housing emergency, felt I owed him for helping me out as he wouldn’t let me give him money towards his mortgage only split bills so I did a lot of housework as I felt I owed it. Then carried on when he had more money and I had more time as I felt I owed it. Then when I started working longer hours and earning more asked him to do his share of the dirty jobs sometimes and he refused and I’ve never known a relationship go so badly and dramatically downhill. Emotional scars for life.
id get out while you can.

Nothing wrong with living by yourself OP. I do and love it.

Been through it all, solo mum, son brought up and independent.

Truth is, relationships come and go. I would never live with a man again.

I'm not going to be anyone's skivvy.

There was a thread on here I read earlier that some grown man coudn't even clean the toilet after having a shit.. YIKES!!

Fuck that. Probably useless at home and in bed too....

Don't know why women would choose that lifestyle.

"We never argue, have had some brilliant times and I feel comfortable with him."
I could say the same about my dog! 😂
Chalk it up to experience and move on into your lovely new home with kitty.

Why on earth have you moved in with a man and took it upon yourself to start doing his domestic work? Why are you washing his clothes for instance? No matter what the future holds, you need to give yourself a stiff talking to about assuming the role of Head of Domestic Tasks.

There’s a lot going on right now OP - all major stressors & transitions no wonder you’re a bit teary esp with previous depression to manage too. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Get into your new place, take any expectations off re your relationship & the need to fix everything. It’s ok to be thrown by the move to a new area & being a bit overwhelmed & out of your comfort zone. And to miss your old life & relationship.

Oops just seen your updates! Oh well this has been a useful opportunity to see a different side to him & sounds like you know what you want to do.

This is an OLD thread!

Yes..this

also I wonder - love is action that you commit to, romance is a smoke screen. It needs working at imv..you’ve said it has been a good relationship so what are you projecting out onto him and the relationship that is about you?

if you have a history of depression may indicate your own unresolved issues