Regrets after moving in with DP - feeling very sad!!

[Username3000]

I really need to let this out after another night of no sleep and really would love some thoughts on it.

After two years together I moved 40 miles to move in with DP about two months ago.

He owns his house and I received a section 21 to vacate my rented property from my landlord which was when he suggested I move into his. For clarity I am also looking to buy a property and have put an offer on one. This is now underway and I have just received the mortgage offer.

The problem is since I’ve moved in with him I feel very different about our relationship. I have absolutely no idea where it’s all come from but I feel very different about DP and whether I want to be with him anymore. He hasn’t done anything specifically to warrant this feeling but I think from living together I’ve realised that I’m really not sure if it’s meant to be.

I do love him and care about him, but I’m now worried it’s now not a romantic style of love I have for him. Things have been so hectic lately I guess we’ve lost the chemistry and ‘fun’ to our relationship and it just feels very routine. I feel like we’re passing ships at the moment. Both work long hours and stressed about our jobs too so that doesn’t help. I have tried speaking to him about this and he has admitted he doesn’t know what to suggest.

It’s mad but it’s even conjured up missing my old life. I am divorced (divorced 5 years) and did have a happy life until we both agreed we had grown apart and split. It’s feel really weird to say this but I’ve had moments of missing my old life, ex husband and missing that feeling of loving someone!

I guess I just don’t feel very happy right now and I’ve noticed I’m getting teary a lot, feeling low and just wanting to escape. I have a history of depression which is well medicated and I am due a medication review as I feel it’s plateaued and I’m starting to feel very panicky at everything!

Its so very hard to talk about it to him as he doesn’t really know how to respond. My gut feeling is telling me I’m just not happy.

I’m also not sure if these feelings have been brought on by moving to a completely new town and area. I’m still finding my feet with everything here and miss the luxury of feeling settled somewhere.

I don’t want to throw away a relationship that has been very good to me. We never argue, have had some brilliant times and I feel comfortable with him. I don’t want to throw it away just because I don’t feel very settled right now. On the other hand I don’t want to continue something where underneath I’m just unhappy. It wouldn’t be fair on me or him. We’re both late 30s and have spoken about marriage before as he wishes to marry in the future so I don’t want to carry on a relationship where I don’t feel I have a future with him.

Hi OP, I agree with other posters. You’re feeling stressed and going through some major life changes as well as feeling as though your medication isn’t necessarily managing your mental health condition. Just slow down, take a breath. Attend your mental health review and see what comes of that. He may well not be for you and that’s ok. I don’t know wish to be patronising but a lot
of relationships do go through periods where they feel monotonous and unfulfilling. My partner and I have come close to going our separate ways during our ten year relationship but we’re now very settled in our home, have two children and life is good. Take a moment, move into your own house and re evaluate. Good luck

Can I just add that my lovely DP has always struggled with anxiety even when he was at university. He sought help about 4 years ago and go medication and his wife died 3 1/2 years ago and his dad a year ago. He met me and after a few months I could see he was struggling not with me - he’s doubled his meds and it’s made a huge difference.

I feel better for putting my feelings into words on here. I feel like I’ve been bottling this up.

I don’t want to rush into any snap decisions but I’ve got an appointment next week regarding the medication review and will take it from there.

I really don’t like feeling like this though, it’s making me anxious and not wanting to eat. I would feel so guilty if I did break up with him but I know that I couldn’t live with someone who I knew I couldn’t be with for the longer term.

It’s making me feel really sad as I was happy before all this happened. I felt settled.

You haven't moved in and become the default cook, cleaner and washerwoman have you? This is definitely a passion killer!

That’s a good point as I think I have definitely become the cleaner and cook. He tends to have an active social life too so is always out and about, and I secretly think he’s too busy to really develop a relationship. He’s certainly happy with coming home to his washing hung out and food in the slow cooker.. I did mention that even if we did live together temporarily we still would need to carve out quality time for us.

We have managed to bumble along happily for two years but I guess we only saw each other twice a week or so when we were both free and I didn’t need to see his dirty washing lying about! I think that’s why it’s suddenly hit home for me.

I had a good chat with a close friend about this earlier as I had a panic attack about it all. We’ve both agreed that perhaps everything happening all at once is causing me this anxiety. Whilst it’s good to talk about it, I’m still feeling really sad and this overwhelming sadness is like a cloud over me.

I think moving in with someone IS a big change. Don’t underestimate how much work is needed, from BOTH of you.

Youve moved, away from your own friends too.
You both need to find a new balance. One that doesn’t involve him carrying on his life the same as before you moved (Ep see him ‘having a very busy social life’. Well good but at the detriment to you/relationship) whilst you become the maid.

Id start with having a chat about chores in the house - who is responsible of what rather than falling into the ‘assumed/usual’ pattern of the woman doing it all. He has been able to do it all for himself until now. No reason for him to stop it all.
Same with going out.

Id also leave it a couple of months so you find some activities, maybe new aquaintances/friends for yourself. If you spend the whole day on your own for work to then see your DP just waltzing out as if you weren’t here, this is going to grate.

If after a few months of both of you making an effort nothing changes, then you have your answer.
Same if he doesn’t really see the issue, doesn’t want to make the effort.

My DH used to visit me every weekend and stay over one other night in the week for several years before we moved in together (two months after our wedding as the house sale hadn't gone through and we worked in different areas). We did not get on that well to start with, having never had issues before. There were other issues for me too as it took me further from my friends and I started a new job I initially hated. We did get through it, though of course, had been together longer than you and your DP. Change is stressful and I did doubt my DH for a while - he suddenly went out a lot socialising, and didn't seem bothered about leaving me at home.

Maybe give yourself some time, and move out when your sale goes through so you can reassess the relationship then.

Thankfully as both sides are chain free for my sale it shouldn’t be too long for things to progress. I am definitely moving into the property once completed and he always knew this, I’ve always been completely open about it. I definitely feel I need my own space again as I’ve not lived with someone for over 5 years now and I think I’ve become quite used to it, so it’s hard suddenly going from that to living with someone.

After my divorce I always knew I didn’t want to live with a man again, and I always made that clear when I was dating. Thankfully DP wasn’t too fussed about it either however as the relationship has progressed we have discussed the future and marriage etc. However I think deep down, if I’m completely honest, I don’t think I want to be with him long term. It pains me to say it.

I feel awful for writing that but I’d rather be totally honest.

As a previous poster said, moving into my property will be a good time to reassess things in my life including my relationship.

Thank you. I definitely want to build a support network around me here. Work is very very busy so that keeps me busy however as soon as it hits 5pm I feel lonely again, even with a DP.

I think the sadness comes from not feeling settled. I need to take steps to feel settled and then I know it’ll feel OK again.

Move and settle in and see how you feel then.

If your gut feeling is that he isn't for long term then that's OK. You can change your mind.

Is your ex husband available? You mentioned missing him or was it just the feeling of being loved you miss?

OP I’ve had a sort of similar situation. I’ve been with DP for 8 years. His kids are grown up, mine are teens. We don’t live together, and it’s not on the agenda because of our situations (we’re 30 minutes apart, my kids still with me, we each have elderly parents local to us, also work location precludes it).

We see each other 3 evenings a week, and we go on holiday together (me, DP and my kids).

We had a recent holiday and I found it hard living with him for the week. Nothing specific, he did nothing wrong. I began to wonder if I was falling out of love with me. Back home now and everything is fine again. I just think I don’t want to live with someone. I need my own space (teens don’t count as they ignore me anyway!).

If I were you, I’d wait and see how you felt once you move into your own place.

OP - now that you’ve realised he is not your life partner, I wonder if that changes things and I wonder if he knows it/shares a similar sentiment? Perhaps the reason that you feel sadness & anxiety is that deep down you know that this relationship already has an expiration date, even if it’s not imminent? And perhaps you are looking for something more lasting?

Agree with PP about therapy, medication review and buying your new place.
However, I feel that in your 30’s you shouldn’t have to be bumbling along. Just coming at this from personal experience - moving in with a DP who doesn’t adjust much, keeps up a bachelor lifestyle in terms of hobbies and social life, while you are doing the ‘chores’ no wonder you are feeling disconnected.
If you are happy to carry on this relationship when you move to see how it goes I get that.

I think it’s a mixture. Whilst I have accepted I’m divorced and nothing will ever happen again, I do miss him from time to time and miss the feeling of being loved. I guess it makes me feel something is missing in my current relationship.

Yeah I think I want more excitement. He is very stable, sensible and reliable and I think they’re great qualities but there doesn’t seem to be much excitement in our relationship. He did tell me that his ex wife split with him because she got bored of him, apparently.

He’s always been like this and it was always me pushing us to plan things and do things at the start of our relationship too. We’ve had some amazing times but I do think from talking this out with you all and with my friend that my relationship is starting to stale. I don’t want to drag it out for any of our sakes.

Perhaps you need to play a waiting game for the time being and tell yourself that you don't need to make any decisions about the relationship just yet. My guess is that you will feel a whole lot better once you can move into your own place - somewhere you have chosen to live and can make your own.

I think that’s what I plan to do. It won’t be long, hopefully, until I’m moving in so when that happens and I have my own space again I can really decide whether I want to continue our relationship. I think then the decision will be clearer.

I’ve been observing it all over the weekend and I think it’s very accurate when a few of you have asked whether I’m the one doing all the cooking and cleaning. It seems to be that way anyway!! It’s definitely a factor in why I feel the way I do, I’ve become his maid almost! I’m going to have a chat about it tonight with him, but I did realise that I do about 90 percent of the household chores/admin..@

Excellent progress in identifying one of the root causes here! Let us know how the chat goes.

So tonight he has decided to let drop that he’s overwhelmed that me and the cat are here.

He’s conveniently not overwhelmed at me doing his washing, cooking or cleaning though. He hasn’t lifted a finger in two months. I feel a bit like a mug.

It's upset me a little as he was so insistent I move in. I just hope my property goes through swiftly now.

Bet he's never scooped the litter tray/given your cat breakfast, either!

How did the chat go - sounds like he DARVO'd?

The sooner you move out the better.
He's no prize.
How convenient that he has carried on with his social life whilst you act as his housekeeper.
Stop that now.
This has been informative.
I think your gut has been warning you so well done for listening.

He does not sound like a catch. Bide your time until completion, move out and then break up. He sounds boring, selfish and misogynistic.

Maybe the reality of a future with him has set it and this is why you are feeling sad. Listen to your gut. All the best OP

He definitely tried to reverse it onto him. I explained how I had been feeling and he made himself out to be the victim who is ‘overwhelmed’ at it all and didn’t really take what I said into consideration.

I think it has definitely helped to clear things up in my head though. I just know underneath that he’ll never be a life partner to me.