Regrets after moving in with DP - feeling very sad!!

[Username3000]

I really need to let this out after another night of no sleep and really would love some thoughts on it.

After two years together I moved 40 miles to move in with DP about two months ago.

He owns his house and I received a section 21 to vacate my rented property from my landlord which was when he suggested I move into his. For clarity I am also looking to buy a property and have put an offer on one. This is now underway and I have just received the mortgage offer.

The problem is since I’ve moved in with him I feel very different about our relationship. I have absolutely no idea where it’s all come from but I feel very different about DP and whether I want to be with him anymore. He hasn’t done anything specifically to warrant this feeling but I think from living together I’ve realised that I’m really not sure if it’s meant to be.

I do love him and care about him, but I’m now worried it’s now not a romantic style of love I have for him. Things have been so hectic lately I guess we’ve lost the chemistry and ‘fun’ to our relationship and it just feels very routine. I feel like we’re passing ships at the moment. Both work long hours and stressed about our jobs too so that doesn’t help. I have tried speaking to him about this and he has admitted he doesn’t know what to suggest.

It’s mad but it’s even conjured up missing my old life. I am divorced (divorced 5 years) and did have a happy life until we both agreed we had grown apart and split. It’s feel really weird to say this but I’ve had moments of missing my old life, ex husband and missing that feeling of loving someone!

I guess I just don’t feel very happy right now and I’ve noticed I’m getting teary a lot, feeling low and just wanting to escape. I have a history of depression which is well medicated and I am due a medication review as I feel it’s plateaued and I’m starting to feel very panicky at everything!

Its so very hard to talk about it to him as he doesn’t really know how to respond. My gut feeling is telling me I’m just not happy.

I’m also not sure if these feelings have been brought on by moving to a completely new town and area. I’m still finding my feet with everything here and miss the luxury of feeling settled somewhere.

I don’t want to throw away a relationship that has been very good to me. We never argue, have had some brilliant times and I feel comfortable with him. I don’t want to throw it away just because I don’t feel very settled right now. On the other hand I don’t want to continue something where underneath I’m just unhappy. It wouldn’t be fair on me or him. We’re both late 30s and have spoken about marriage before as he wishes to marry in the future so I don’t want to carry on a relationship where I don’t feel I have a future with him.

you’re about to move in to a property you’ve bought? seems like natural end to things with your dp if this is how you’re feeling

although do you want to live in the area?

presumably no children on either side?

do you have a new job in the area?

The feeling teary and missing parts of your life before him because it reminds you of feeling loved are the big points to me that the relationship has ran it's course.

Him not being about to talk to you about the issues in your relationship is making things worse for you, not him. It's his choice not not engage in discussing something that is bothering you.

No children either side or together. No new job, I work from home predominantly and there’s a good train link to my office for when I need to go there. I would be OK living here by myself, I don’t think it’s the area or town per se, it’s more the relationship that’s causing my upset if I am totally honest.

I just don’t want to throw away a relationship that has actually been very good up until this moment.

do you have any friends or family in the new area?

Hm, it sounds like he/the relationship might not actually be the problem. There's a lot going on with work stress, moving stress, and depression in the mix.

Personally I would do the medication review and focus on lifting your general mood before making any decisions.

Yes this is what I thought. I wanted to be honest with him as he’s seen me looking very teary at times and I didn’t want to hide my feelings. It’s both our first relationships post divorce and both our first time living with a new partner. It’s been really hard emotionally for me which I didn’t expect at all.

He has admitted he doesn’t know what to suggest or say. He wants to work at us, and thinks it’s just teething problems which may disappear when I move into my own property.

My gut feeling is just saying he’s a man I can’t see myself being with for life. I feel awful for saying that though, really awful. We’ve had such a lovely relationship and I don’t want to just throw that away.

This. Don't make any big decisions until you have had a medication review. It might not be the relationship that's causing these feelings.

I think you need to wait to see if you feel the same once settled

People underestimate the stress when your home is in jeopardy, the stress of buying. Add in some work stress and you're going to feel very discombobulated.

You're in no hurry to finish it, wait til you've moved and started dating properly again.

This is why I’ve been so reluctant to take action on anything just yet. Getting the eviction notice from the landlord was unexpected and obviously I was fairly stressed at having to find somewhere new to live. DP then suggested I move in with him which felt the ideal solution.

Why not move into.ur place and then re evaluate ur relationship once this is done.?Although it seems to.be the natural progression for most couples to.live together, maybe living apart is best for u. I have never lived with a partner, I have looked forward to them.coming to.me or me to them.at weekends. In essence I would put any.major decisions on hold. Hope it works out for u both.

Also u moved in with partner for practical reasons, which I totally understand, but if u had not been forced to move from ur property do u think u would have made decision to move in at that point? I would imagine what should have been looked on with excitement was far from that.

Actually this is definitely one of the reasons why I feel like I do! I don’t think we would have moved in together anytime soon, we both like our own space and then coming together a couple times a week. I also have a cat and he’s not a pet person so he’s had to compromise on that for me. I think because we’ve been pushed into this situation I suddenly feel unsettled and worried.

you have pinned so much on him op

do you have any friends or family in the new area or literally just him?

I’ll be totally honest I don’t, no. Whilst it’s not a huge travel time to my old location I don’t really have much of a support network around here. One of the reasons I bought here was because prices were a lot cheaper so I could get more for my money. That was always in my plan.

My ex husband was military so we moved around nearly every year because of that, so in some way I am used to moving to new locations and knowing no one. I didn’t think it’d hit me like this though! I definitely want to build up a new support network as I do feel a bit lonely I suppose?

I'm going to sound really harsh and probably get flamed for it but you mentioned growing apart in your previous relationship and you are mentioning a similar deadening down in this relationship- the common denominator in every situation we face is always ourselves. So may be worth doing some internal work.

I say that as someone who moved around a lot and realised that everywhere I go, there I am.
External circumstances can also play a part but aren't always within our control.

so basically op

stick in a relationship you’re not happy with
or dump him and then have very little in your life beyond a new home

i would pull out of the sale

Based on what you have said, maybe look at it as a temporary arrangement and you might feel less unsettled. I moved into DH's home before we got married and it's taken me a long time to start to feel like it's also mine (I own it jointly now). A live out relationship is different from when you live together. When you live apart you set aside time specifically to be together whereas when you live with someone you often don't. We have built small routines into our daily lives that helps us stay connected. For example, we have dinner together every night and never have the TV on while eating. On the weekend, we have a coffee together after breakfast, just chatting about our plans for the weekend. On Friday nights after work (we both WFH Fridays), we have a glass of wine and a Friday night playlist we put on and just sit and chit chat for a bit before dinner etc. We also go out for dinner a couple of times per month. All these things help us stay connected and focussed on us. It's so easy to become complacent and distracted by work and the general drudgery of life.

None of us can say whether you two are right for each other but if you have only felt this way since moving in, I'd give it a bit more time, especially since you won't live together in the long term.

I wouldn’t rule out the depression causing this.

maybe echoes of your past relationship? maybe you’re expecting things that aren’t there?

id get that meds review first and foremost, can you access counselling? I think you might just benefit from a bit of self care atm. Moving is awful!

no sudden moves love, one way or another you will be ok and you’ll get through this.

We are all here for you too.

People say trust your gut and that is often good advice but not always, because sometimes your 'gut' is your subconscious reacting to something else. I think that if you have both been happily going along meeting a couple of times a week and each having your own space, it is going to be weird suddenly thrown together 24/7. Unfortunately I know from experience that if you have MH issues sometimes what feels like your gut is actually your mind casting around for something to blame the bad feeling on.

I would wait it out a bit.

Don’t do anything until after the medication review. My dh, also long term medicated, had a massive wobble about life in general and was feeling dissatisfied about all sorts of things. Now the medication is sorted, he is bumbling along quite happily again.

I don’t want to pull out of the sale as I do like the town/area and I can afford to live here more comfortably. If the sale did fall through though (not on my side) then I’d have to make that decision about whether to stay but for now I don’t want to pull out.

Thank you for all your opinions, I’ve read every one and really do agree it’s been a lot going on in such a short amount of time. I feel unsettled as a person I think, and I just would love and need that stability.

I do have a feeling that perhaps things can go back to normal with DP once we’re both in our own properties. I am worried though that I do feel as if he isn’t someone I want to be with longer term though. I don’t want to carry on a relationship where I can’t see that longer term future but it’s so so hard to come to any sort of decision. Still, as you’ve all said, I don’t want to jump into any sort of decision right now.

I can access counselling through work and have done so in the past so it is something I can access and I am thinking about starting it up again.

I would definitely call this a wobble too, I feel like I need to give my head a massive shake!

I’ve been on anti depressants for over a year now but feel like it’s not working much anymore and I can feel myself start to spiral. It’s definitely time for a review of them.