men and sex

[endlessnonsense]

I have NC for this. I read a piece in the Irish Times yesterday (won't link to it as it is subscriber only), the gist of it was that the woman has spent years having regular sex with her husband because he wanted it, to "keep the peace etc", not because she particularly wanted it, although she wasn't saying it wasn't consented to. She didn't dislike sex, didn't feel violated etc, just pointed out that many times she just went along with the sex without particularly wanting it. She called it "consensual but unwanted" sex.

I know that this will of course resonate with millions of women throughout the world, and my point is not exactly the same one but linked. I am in my 60s, have been married for many years. I am starting to wonder whether all men are as "absolutely basic" about sex as my DH. Essentially, if we have had sex in the past few days, he is a lovely man, calls me endearments, is kind and friendly etc etc. If a week or more goes by without sex he starts to become more and more silent, gets short with me, and if it goes on a bit longer, becomes outright rude, such as just ignoring me when I talk to him, or being slightly disrespectful in front of other people. Have sex again and he's all sweetness and light.

I don't dislike sex at all, although like most people I don't always feel like it (and like many women I will often go along with it as long as I don't feel actively averse to it in the moment). It's not the going-along-with-sex per se that is bothering me the most. It is the complete simplistic obviousness of his behaviour, which makes me feel increasingly annoyed with him. Sex=nice man, no sex=rude man. Such a black and while situation. It seems so unsubtle, unnuanced, just really stupid to be honest. And he is not a stupid man.

Is it all men or just him?

I mean its just a standard abuse tactic. He can't claim ignorance going forwards if you've now had a chat with him about it. But he always knew what he was doing. He just doesn't want you to know he knows. It's controlling behaviour from a mysoginistic bully. Don't be fooled into thinking 'ooh poor men folk don't understand mean things are mean'. Ridiculous! He.gets.it. It's deliberate.

Absolutely, bullies tend to claim ignorance when they are using coersive tactics.

It is usually part and parcel of a dynamic that they believe works for them whilst making them appear the victim.

And they do know they are doing it.

I've had lots of sex I didnt want to 'maintain' a relationship.

This is definitely a 'thing'.

He doesn’t get angry or rude, but he’s certainly a lot more chilled out when he’s just been drained.

I would shame the hell out of a man who did this.

It appears much more common (at least here) that men who are not pulling their weight still expect to have sex. If you are doing your domestic duties, being kind and loving, you are much more likely to have sex. This is not transactional - just part of the relationship as a whole.

I'll often take care of my partner's needs and I'm not in the mood, because it makes her happy, which makes me happy. She will do the same for me. But both of us have had periods when we are too tired or distracted to do even that. But sulking and entitlement is a huge turn-off.

Definitely, there is almost an unspoken threat that if they are not having regular sex even if the male has been unfairly cruel, neglectful or dislpaying any negative behaviour towards his wife that he will make other arrangements if his needs are not met in that department.

I discussed this issue with my DH as we had a similar thing. He admitted he does get grouchy and seemed to think it was because he felt rejected and unconnected. He said he hated that he was basically an overgrown teenager and felt embarrassed but was being honest. He does seem to get it now that we’re quite different and I need a lot more requirements to be in the mood 😂 not least having a medical issue😬
We still don’t have as much sex as he’d like but I’m more than fine with telling him to have a w*nk if he’s getting grumpy and I really don’t want to!
It’s working so far but sometimes I really wonder “what if I got some kind of illness meaning I could never have sex?”
Men are simple beings. My gay friend said that it’s totally easy having two men in a relationship, they both want the same thing! I’m not sure how true that is! 😂

I don’t think, for most men, that it’s conscious or manipulative. I’ve always thought of it as a bit like PMT (I’m not a scientist) and the ‘release’ is a bit like pushing the reset button.

Yes. Normally longer than a week but my DH would start making jokes at my expense, digging at me etc.

id say I only want sex is he’s nice to me, he can’t be nice unless he’s having sex. One of us would have to cave and it was always, without fail, me.

we are having sex more often now and the behaviour from him has stopped.

I am a bit like this, and I'm female! But my timings would stretch out for longer. DH's sex drive is lower than mine, and it is often me that initiates. I start to get grumpy if a month has passed. This doesn't happen too often these days, but a few years back it was often, and it made me really miserable. For context we are in our 50's. As I progress through menopause, my needs have lessened and for a variety of reasons DH's drive has increased a bit, so we are meeting in the middle these days.

We've been together a very long time and gradually worked out that sex has a very different 'function' for each of us (not the best word but hopefully you know what I mean).

When we have sex my OH instantly feels much more connected with me and that plays out in terms of romantic gestures, affection and attention. I'm the reverse, I need to feel connected to him to want to have sex so I want those gestures and attention in order to establish a deeper connection, then sex usually happens.

We understand one another now and both try to do the things we need to do to keep sex a (relatively) regular part of our relationship. It does mean making an effort on my part sometimes if I'm not really in the mood - but he doesn't expect it or pressure me, if he did it wouldn't happen at all.

I have to say that he had never been difficult when I have been ill, had several weeks in bed after major surgery, after childbirth etc. I think he feels "rejected" if he thinks I am actually choosing not to have sex. It is really interesting to hear other people's stories.

I call it pre-manstsrual-tension.

I have no idea if it's all men or not. But it's a real thing for some for sure. And solo manual relief just doesn't quite work, although it helps.

I think we are simple creatures driven by biology far more than were realise. Sex means an awful lot to us. It's not just the act itself, it's about the closeness that is involved. It means that our partners want us. That's huge.

If there's no sex it feels like we're not wanted and a resentment builds. Fortunately I am able to recognise this behaviour in myself and can do something about it, so that I'm not a miserable git all the time.

My DH was never like this. But then, once I came off the pill, it was me that had the higher sex drive. I was the one frustrated at the lack of sex.

But it often doesn't mean that your partner wants you. Often if someone is moody and moany after a few days of no sex then their partner gives in reluctantly.

People might assign meaning to it that their partner does in fact sexually desire them or that they at least love them enough to have sex even if they didn't particularly want to but in a lot of cases it seems that the sex is literally to ease the tension and because they can't deal with the bad mood anymore.

People know this and choose to ignore it.

Why are you with someone you don't want to have regular sex with?

She's in her 60s so I'd imagine she's still having more sex than a lot of women.
Presumably she wouldn't want it much more regularly than that if she was with someone else either? Possibly at the start but not in a longer term relationship

My DH isn't like that.
He's so good off for any reason we can, after babies, after surgery, period.
Or drives tend to be similar x

You’re absolutely right

"She's in her 60s so I'd imagine she's still having more sex than a lot of women.
Presumably she wouldn't want it much more regularly than that if she was with someone else either? Possibly at the start but not in a longer term relationship"

No wonder affairs are so common!

Sex is much more important to men, than women, generally. Just look at the primary consumers of porn, sex workers etc. it just seems to be a primal need. Whereas women get the desire which can be cancelled out by hormones & tiredness since they are the primary care givers, do majority housework etc which many men (yes there are exceptions) tend to body swerve.

but a sexless marriage does tend to lead to affairs or a split.

What's your cut off age?
Would you ask a woman in their 70s why they're with someone that they don't want regular sex with? (even though she still does have and like it, just not at the frequency that he wants it?)
Or a woman in their 80s?

It's very normal for people in their 60s to have a less frequent sex life, many men that age would have a low libido or ED and their wives wouldn't go and have an affair

My H has never had much of a sex drive. Im the one that brings it up. When he was depressed we had sex once a year. Less once.

Now he is better but still about once every couple of months sometimes 3. He says he enjoys but life gets busy/tiring.

He is lovely though and no way does it make him or me mean or moody