men and sex

[endlessnonsense]

I have NC for this. I read a piece in the Irish Times yesterday (won't link to it as it is subscriber only), the gist of it was that the woman has spent years having regular sex with her husband because he wanted it, to "keep the peace etc", not because she particularly wanted it, although she wasn't saying it wasn't consented to. She didn't dislike sex, didn't feel violated etc, just pointed out that many times she just went along with the sex without particularly wanting it. She called it "consensual but unwanted" sex.

I know that this will of course resonate with millions of women throughout the world, and my point is not exactly the same one but linked. I am in my 60s, have been married for many years. I am starting to wonder whether all men are as "absolutely basic" about sex as my DH. Essentially, if we have had sex in the past few days, he is a lovely man, calls me endearments, is kind and friendly etc etc. If a week or more goes by without sex he starts to become more and more silent, gets short with me, and if it goes on a bit longer, becomes outright rude, such as just ignoring me when I talk to him, or being slightly disrespectful in front of other people. Have sex again and he's all sweetness and light.

I don't dislike sex at all, although like most people I don't always feel like it (and like many women I will often go along with it as long as I don't feel actively averse to it in the moment). It's not the going-along-with-sex per se that is bothering me the most. It is the complete simplistic obviousness of his behaviour, which makes me feel increasingly annoyed with him. Sex=nice man, no sex=rude man. Such a black and while situation. It seems so unsubtle, unnuanced, just really stupid to be honest. And he is not a stupid man.

Is it all men or just him?

@twinkletoesimnot You can't control yourself?

OP there are loads of threads with women saying this is the case - it may not be the topic but it gets mentioned a lot - and is weirdly tolerated as part and parcel of married life so yes they do

My ex husband behaved like this. And he was unbearable.
He once wrote how many days it had been in an attempt to shame me into doing it. By that point I was turned off.

My dh now never does or has done this and we've been together double the length of time I was first married. I've had major surgery that has meant we've had to go a while before and he's treated me just as he always does with respect

I don't think it's that weird that I tolerate it, even in purely transactional terms I get far more out of the marriage than the cost of the "effort" to have sex when I don't particularly feel like it (which I imagine to be the case for many women), and also I do love him. I just find it, well, weird, that he is so predictable and uncomplicated/unsophisticated, in this matter! When he is not like that in other spheres of life.

Sure I'm about to get a kicking for even saying this, but if it's been a while since DH and I had sex we feel much less connected and close to each other and that tends to make us a little more bickery and less lovey. To me it's the same as any other act of love - whether it's being made a cup of tea on a cold morning or being told 'I love you' or deicing the car for me. If he stopped those things, or I stopped making him lunch on bad days or running him a bath when his back's bad or whatever, he'd feel less close to or loved by me, and we feel the same about sex. I think the problem arises when you have two people who don't feel the same way about it: some people see regular sex as an integral part of how they love each other, some people don't. I don't think you're wrong (and he ABSOLUTELY shouldn't be being actively rude or cruel to you in front of people), but I can see how this happens.

Yes I can. And I'm not horrible or intentionally rude to anyone - least of all my dh.
Hearing more of the specifics of how he behaves in being rude and uncaring, no, I am not like that.

But, I do stand by feeling irritated, lacking focus and being distracted if I haven't had sex in a while.

So I mean you can't control the feelings - though you should, I agree, be able to control your behaviour.

I agree with all of this. Sex makes me feel close to my dh and loved

You guys dh not want to see the thread about the op looking to dump her partner because the guy won't give oral.

Lots of talk of selfish, shit in bed and a few posters thinking he should do his duty.

It makes sense that you feel less connected after a while but some people report the same when it's only been a few days, that seems very odd, like the connection is only fleeting.

I dunno - it's a couple of weeks for us, but I can imagine that, like with anything, there are ranges of tolerance. I don't think it displays a lack of true connection, more that some people might feel terrible if their partner didn't text them after a couple of days, or didn't say I love you for a couple of days, and for others it's sex - it's just a way of showing you love each other.

As a PP said, though, I think it's not the feeling that's the problem - I 100% understand and have experienced the feeling, it's the actions. If OP's husband is being a dick about it (instead of having a conversation, the way you hopefully would if any other lack of affection/love/manifestation of your relationship was lacking) then THAT'S a problem and he's being out of order. But I don't think it's weird or 'simple' for him to feel that way (IMO, anyway).

I do definitely feel less connected if it has been a while. I don't mean to be rude or uncaring, but I do notice I feel much more loving and close afterwards so maybe I am? I can see how it could be unconscious. Still, interrupting you and snapping is just rude and unacceptable in any case

Majority of men are totally sex obsessed and will always want it.

Most women in relationships want it a lot less (at least past the honeymoon stage).

Replace sex with something else that’s important to you, which you feel distinguishes your relationship. Sitting down and eating dinner together, date nights, weekend outings. How many days / weeks / months of him not finding it important enough and refusing to do one of those things that you feel is important to you and your relationship would it take before you began to get upset and frustrated?

Yes. Entitled, abusive ones like your husband. Those men behave in a similar manner.

It sounds a bit toddler tantrum like and would give me the ick in about 1 minute

My first DH was like that. It completely killed any feelings I had for him.

The therapist/blogger Dr Psych Mom explained it in a way very similar to this post - for people whose primary love language is physical touch and intimacy, if they regularly go for periods without it, it feels to them like they are not married. The same as if someone who values deep conversation, for example, would feel less connected to their partner and less like they were in a romantic relationship if all interaction for three weeks focused on what's for dinner, what do the kids need, and so on.

OP, it might help to think what your equivalent values are in your marriage and whether (or not) you feel they are met and how you feel when they aren't met?

Absolutely.

This is why my marriage broke down, his neglect didn't matter but he was still pulliing the sulks for not getting enough sex. Fact was I coudn't have sex with someone who showed no interest in family life.

The nuance also went from Sex = happy man, No Sex = unhappy man to...

Being miserable, then trying for a few hours before sex and then trying for a few hours after sex.
It's like he couldn't wait to get back to being a nasty bastard. In fact I think towards the end he was dissapointed in himself for actually wanting sex because he enjoyed being horrible.

The sex got in the way of him being abusive.
Twat.

yes i fully understand your post and position. i'm 67 married for 43+ years.
the last time i had sex i discussed this issue of mismatched libido, sexual interest and need with the good Lord. i put in a request for an improvement in the generations to come or when ever He decides to wipe the slate clean and recreate womankind.

Definitely not all men. Been married for 34 years and my husband's treatment of me has never been predicated on whether we've had sex or not. He's nearly always kind and thoughtful and if he is a bit tetchy or preoccupied it's generally related to work or family stress.

Mine isn't like this but I do have sex even though I would be happy with cuddling and caressing.

For various reasons, throughout the years , we have gone weeks (even a month or so) without sex. No changes in OH's behaviour, ever.

I think it is that old thing - women want to feel intimate and connected to want to have sex. Men have sex to feel intimate and connected. Obvs that is a sweeping statement and very oversimplified - but I do think there is a kernel of truth to it.

Yes. It's passive-aggressive coercion.