Horrible marriage... this is the end.

[Brownmummy35]

Hi All,

I think I have finally decided that I need to leave my husband and end my marriage.

We have been married 8 years and have 2 small children who are 4 and 6 years old. My husband has a horrible temper and over the years we have had a number of incidents where he flies off the handle and has a blind fit of rage.

He has thrown things at me in the past such as my phone, laptop, pencil case. He swears in arguments and manipulates situations to justify his behaviour. He has dragged me by my jumper out of bed into a different room. In the most recent episode he has broken a glass in anger near my feet, pushed me and thrown a cup of water over me. (These incidents normally happen at night when boys are asleep so they have not witnessed them).

He can lose it over the smallest of things and the most recent being because he felt I was questioning him over the children. He can take no criticism and after events like the above occur he tells me that it was because I drove him to act that way. I don't swear and I try not to provoke him but I know his behaviour is not normal. He takes no accountability for his actions and says I drive him to lose it and in those moments and says I should step away and de-escalate the situation. For example when he is stood over me threatening to throw water on me if I had run away or left the room he wouldn't have done it. He says its my fault as I stand up for myself as in those moments I say to him 'I am not scared of you'... 'do it' etc. But I refuse to be intimidated by him and its just not in me to run away. Even though my heart is pounding and I am scared I stand up to him in those moments.

Enough is enough and I need to leave but my heart is breaking for my boys and I feel sick as this decision will turn their life upside down. This marriage is toxic and I know there is little hope for change as he has zero insight or accountability for his actions.

He is ok in nearly all other areas but the bad is SO bad that it makes me so worried for a future with him.

I know what I need to do and I guess I was just after some moral support from other women who understand. I plan on telling him today whilst I am at work that he needs to leave the house and I want a separation.

Thank you all from an anxious mama who need some moral support.

Yes you absolutely need to leave! Think of the example he is setting your boys, they will be aware even if you think they aren’t.

do you have somewhere you can go to immediately? Personally I’d start recording everything he is doing, if you can remember actual dates of things happening even better. It doesn’t sound like he’ll let you and the children go without any drama

My mum & dad were like this. We were in bed but heard every word.
I lost respect for both of them, especially my mum for her potty mouth and handy fists.
Their relationship coloured mine and my sister's relationships. It was almost as if DV was normalised because they didn't split up.

Do it for your boys, if not for yourself. Show them it isn't right for anyone to be treated like that.
Sadly, they may have already heard what has been going on. I remember being terrified when younger, not sure what age I was before I got to the 'here we go again' attitude 🙄

Good luck in extricating yourself from him, stay strong.

Have you got everything sorted before you go? Details of passports, bank statements, pensions etc (a pdf scannee app is great foe this if you cand keep the origionals)? Have you taken legal advice? Do you have a DV support worker?
You are doing the right thing by leaving him, for you and your children . Please do it when you have got prepared.

So sorry that you are in this situation op thanks to your dh’s anger and nasty behaviour He is toxic, controlling, getting more and more physically violent and refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, so you are right, it is very much time to leave before you get seriously hurt. Tbh I am surprised you have left it this long.

I understand that you are worried for your dc if they only see the good side of him but honestly, as they grow up, they will be witnessing and taking in more and more of his angry violent behaviour, your six year old probably already has more of an insight in to it than you realise, so although short term it will be difficult, in the long term you will be doing your dc a favour. They don’t need to grow up thinking that this is what marriage is like. Nor do you want them acting out angrily themselves.

Of course leaving him will in his eyes give him more justification to be angry with you so you need to act very strategically op to make your sure you are safe. Leaving a man like this who can’t control his emotions could be potentially very dangerous, especially when he may see leaving as another act of “defiance”.

Gather up all the usual financial information, and important documents eg mortgage, insurance, bank accounts, passports etc.

How much do your family and friends know?
Can you get some support from women’s aid? Do you have somewhere you can go? Do you have some strong men around you (brothers, colleagues, friends?) who can help you leave?

Sending courage! You don’t anyone’s permission. No one deserves to be treated the way your dh is treating you 💐

Your kids will 100% know. I work in children's mental health and listen to so many tell me how they lay in bed and listened to the violence. The impact is long-lasting.

Get details of paperwork first.
Contact Women’s Aid

Consider whether it’s safe for you to announce you’re leaving him while still living with him.
He may refuse to leave but escalate violence towards you and the dc’s.

If you get a chance and his behaviour is predictable you could secretly film him for evidence then call the police to have him removed. Then follow up with divorce with occupation order in place to keep him out and an injunction to stop him contacting you or coming within a mile of your house.

It’s likely your kids have heard what goes on.

This sounds exactly like the case I served as a juror on last summer. He got 14 years for coercive control amongst other things. Get out before he burst you or the kids

This was my childhood and my mum never left and I never forgave either of them . Kids absorb it all

Can you let us know the setup in terms of finances/home ownership or rent etc

Sorry for my message above! It sounds very to the point.. you very much need to end things but it can get worse when you do - so it's just to know what living situation you have now/short term/would like to be able to achieve post seperation to help talk through your options

Run fast. He is a horrible abusive man and you and your children deserve better. Find the strength by doing it for them. There is not a chance in hell they aren’t awake upstairs listening to all this going on.

Wow thank you everyone for the support. I am financially independent and have a strong support system in my family. (They have witnessed first hand how toxic he is). We have no property that we share together as I always for saw that this may end badly for us. Even if he pays me no maintenance that will not be an issue.

I am going to tell him from work that he needs to leave and then stay at my sisters with the kids tonight.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words.

You sound very strong op! And great that you have your family around you. Wishing you all the best with the next steps.

Obviously he will be angry that you dare to call time, that you dared to end it.
Make sure somebody stays with you I'm the house

Children hear much more than we ever realise , they will know Daddy gets angry.
Safety is your priority .
Change your locks, look at cameras/ring door bell , alarm. Please don’t be alone as he sounds violent and unpredictable

Here just to say that I admire your bravery. Other PP have already made this point: you need to be prepared, and have a support net with people who understand DV. Never be alone with him. I hope you gain sole custody of your children because I don't think they should be alone with him either.
You are very brave, OP, I wish you and your boys the best💜

Please don't stick it out for your kids. You need to leave as much for them as you. They'll be aware, if not now, in the future. Staying in that environment will be hugely damaging for them. Do you want the same life for them? If not, you need to show them it's not ok and that there is an alternative. You're doing an amazing thing getting you and them out of there x

When the kids hit teens and challenge him he may start on them too. Get out x

I do not think you should tell him. He is a violent man who is easily thrown into a rage. Preparing him for you leaving him could fuel his rage.

You and your children need to be safe before he is informed. Could the three of you go away (bringing important documents with you) and you tell him over the phone? I appreciate you have no fear of this man but your children do not need to witness the fall out.

What is he like with your children? You said that it's mainly when you go to bed and he's good in other areas. Does either of your children ever get treated like you do? The reason I ask is you may need to discuss custody with a solicitor to protect your children before you tell your dh.

I left an abusive relationship when my kids were 2&6yrs. I'm so thankful every day that I did. Being able to have a nice peaceful life that included putting my children first so that they can have the best life has been so rewarding.
I look at my 17yr old daughter who is absolutely flourishing, she has a busy packed out life with her friends, she has a job, she's learning to drive, she has a loan horse etc. My 13yr old son is also having a pretty good life with his allowance, front door key and relaxed rules over the summer as he spends time with friends and time chilling out. We are looking forward to another family holiday at the end of the month without anyone trying to sabotage it or make it all about them.
I absolutely do not believe that they would be thriving like this if I had stayed in that toxic relationship. I understand what you are saying about him not always being bad but it sounds like the time has come where the bad times are now outweighing the good times which brings you all down.

Leaving though is the worst bit so really plan how you are going to leave before you do.

It’s not just property.

Savings/ pensions etc usually split 50:50 initially

I’d get ducks in a row first.

Go to your sister anyway. Say you just staying over

So glad you’re ending it. Leaving is statistically the most dangerous time in a DV relationship, so please make sure you have company for the next few weeks/ months. And make the police aware of your situation.

Thank you everyone for your support! I am feeling incredibly at peace at the moment with my decision I know its the best thing for us.

That's not to say that I am not worried about his reaction. I plan on staying with my sister for a few days and then I will have the locks changed.

Please please please take all important documents with you, passports, mortgage statements, birth certificates, marriage certificate - literally everything that is important

Good luck it's totally the right decision

Thank you so much- great advice. I am leaving work early today to get everything in order such as the documents I will need and leave. I know this isn't going to be an easy journey but I know I need to do this.