Horrible marriage... this is the end.

[Brownmummy35]

Hi All,

I think I have finally decided that I need to leave my husband and end my marriage.

We have been married 8 years and have 2 small children who are 4 and 6 years old. My husband has a horrible temper and over the years we have had a number of incidents where he flies off the handle and has a blind fit of rage.

He has thrown things at me in the past such as my phone, laptop, pencil case. He swears in arguments and manipulates situations to justify his behaviour. He has dragged me by my jumper out of bed into a different room. In the most recent episode he has broken a glass in anger near my feet, pushed me and thrown a cup of water over me. (These incidents normally happen at night when boys are asleep so they have not witnessed them).

He can lose it over the smallest of things and the most recent being because he felt I was questioning him over the children. He can take no criticism and after events like the above occur he tells me that it was because I drove him to act that way. I don't swear and I try not to provoke him but I know his behaviour is not normal. He takes no accountability for his actions and says I drive him to lose it and in those moments and says I should step away and de-escalate the situation. For example when he is stood over me threatening to throw water on me if I had run away or left the room he wouldn't have done it. He says its my fault as I stand up for myself as in those moments I say to him 'I am not scared of you'... 'do it' etc. But I refuse to be intimidated by him and its just not in me to run away. Even though my heart is pounding and I am scared I stand up to him in those moments.

Enough is enough and I need to leave but my heart is breaking for my boys and I feel sick as this decision will turn their life upside down. This marriage is toxic and I know there is little hope for change as he has zero insight or accountability for his actions.

He is ok in nearly all other areas but the bad is SO bad that it makes me so worried for a future with him.

I know what I need to do and I guess I was just after some moral support from other women who understand. I plan on telling him today whilst I am at work that he needs to leave the house and I want a separation.

Thank you all from an anxious mama who need some moral support.

Also I own our family home and he has hardly even been contributing to the mortgage so hopefully we can have an easy financial break from each other.

OP,I’ll second what @CherryBlossom321 said.

Leaving the relationship with a violent man (and he is violent) is the most dangerous time for a woman. Please notify the police on non emergency number.I’d also get in touch with Women’s Aid.

Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Move out when he’s out of the house. Don’t tell him your intentions.

Also what @Decoratingdilema said. Grab all important documents.

Good luck 🤞 your kids will thank you for it.

Good for you @Brownmummy35 and good luck.

It doesn’t matter who owns what though, he can still go after the house and everything else. Doesn’t matter who paid for what, it still starts from 50/50 so just be aware.

I have property from before marriage that we legally ringfenced but if you haven’t done that he can claim a share of everything.

But regardless it is better to end it. The money doesn’t matter.

Do indeed grab all important documents along with your kids favourite toys.

He is not going to let go of you that easily; he is never going to be amicable and will likely make the whole process of you divorcing him as long and drawn out as possible. I would seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce as a matter of priority. I would also look into obtaining occupation and non molestation orders re him as well. Do also contact Womens Aid; they can and will help.

Your safety is of paramount importance here.

Good luck @Brownmummy35! It sounds as if you are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your children!
Is he at work at the moment? I wouldn't breathe a word until you're away and at your sister's house.

Just saw your update.

Get yourself a solicitor that specialises in family law and file for divorce. The fact that you owned the house before you married might be irrelevant now- it might be a marital asset now. I know nothing about it but you urgently need legal advice and coming from somebody who knows the stuff.

Ask around for good solicitor. Post in legal if you need roughly stating the area you’re from.
Your H will be nasty and obstructive. You need a rottweiler divorce lawyer who will fiercely fight your corner.

Well done for calling time on this OP. Like many PP, I grew up with a bullying aggressive father. It escalated over the years and reached a fever pitch when I was a young adult, then I moved out. My mother still lives in fear of it although things are different nowadays as he has dementia. I feel so sad that her whole life was ruined by him, but MORE THAN THAT - she didn’t help herself, and us, by leaving him. My siblings and I all suffer with varying degrees of mental illness as a result of growing up in that environment, it has cast a shadow over most of my life, including the mundane, the normally happy stuff like weddings, and so much more. The sooner you leave, the better.

I don't have any advice over what PPs have given you.

You sound extremely together and I have no doubt that you and your babies will be fine. But please stay safe and don't be with your husband alone at any time after you tell him.

Please contact Women's aid and the police.
This is a very violent house terrorist who has been terribly abusive.
Give the police the heads up, his name, address and employer, and that you are fleeing the family home.

Believe me, these bullies aren't long quietening down when the police are involved and the secrecy regarding their abuse is made public.

Make it very clear you are fleeing him.
The very best of luck.

By refusing to contribute to the costs of the family he was financially abusing you.
Make sure you look up Coercive control which is a crime and financial control and how it can apply to you.

Make sure you do/say anything you have to to protect that asset that was yours pre marriage.

Did he refuse to contribute because it was yours?
Look carefully at this and think even more carefully what your narrative should be.

This is not ok.

Divorce and leave.

Sending you the very best wishes for today.

Welcome to the first day of your new violence free life;you deserve to be safe and happy in your home.Here's to a brighter future for you and your children.

What i worry about, is when he applies to have them at weekends or whatever, and he trains them up to abuse their mother.

This happened to me.

l left an abusive situation and it was the best decision of my life. Trust your gut. It will be difficult initially but your life will eventually be so much better.

You are strong, you know what is right. Your boys are more likely to witness his behaviour as they get older and it will be normalised for them- and imagine the impact that will have on their whole lives. Don’t feel heartbroken for your boys, you are saving them from the same fate.

Absolutely this. As I'm sure you know, the most dangerous time for a woman is when you try to leave. Document all this behaviour, contact Solace or Women's Aid and ask for advice on how to handle telling him. Tell the police, get it on record that he's violent and has physically abused you. If you can, try to get an appointment with a solicitor. Make sure your children's schools are aware of the full situation so they can be prepared.

Don't be alone with him again if possible. The very, very best of luck OP, this must be awful for you. Please look after yourself 💐

Well done OP for making this step and protecting yourself and your DC. He's absolutely abusive to you and I'd read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" which also includes advice for leaving and the aftermath. Take utmost care of yourself and definitely call the police/women's aid for advice.

I'd also see a solicitor asap as unfortunately, as you are married, he could be entitled to 50% of equity, savings, pension etc.

Make sure you have another grown up around when you go home if you've told him. He is clearly volatile and abusive.

And he will go after your house. Get a good solicitor.

Leave. Your children may have slept through all that violence so far but might not in future.

I agree with others who say don't tell him face to face. If I were you I would wait until he is out and then grab documents, passports, any sentimental things, then head off to your relatives. Then you could text him or email him, he will kick off but he will kick off anyway. You and the children are not safe.

F

If he can wait until the boys are asleep to abuse you, that shows he can control his behaviour if he wants to. He just doesn't want to. Don't wait until he starts showing your sons how to treat women - you absolutely need to leave.

Thank you to everyone for your words of support. I have a solicitors appointment on Thursday. I know he will make things difficult for me; but I just need to remember its worth it in the longrun!

I am going to message him when I am at my sisters and not tell him fact to face.

I second this. My dd was 6 when I left her abusive dad. I've now shown her a normal relationship with my second dh, but even by 6 enough damage was done to give her anxiety and rely on drink/drugs to regulate her mood.
Please don't put off leaving.

As an adult I meant to add!

It is better for your children to be brought up in a household without domestic abuse taking place. I guarantee you that your children either are, or soon would be, fully aware of your husband's behaviour. You and your children all deserve better than to live in an abusive household.

I would also add that if your husband can control his temper enough not to throw things at you, shove you and smash things when the children are there, he could also control himself when they're not around. He's not losing his temper. He's actively choosing to express his anger through violence.

You are doing a very brave thing, and most importantly, the right thing. Not just for you but for your children too.