Horrible marriage... this is the end.

[Brownmummy35]

Hi All,

I think I have finally decided that I need to leave my husband and end my marriage.

We have been married 8 years and have 2 small children who are 4 and 6 years old. My husband has a horrible temper and over the years we have had a number of incidents where he flies off the handle and has a blind fit of rage.

He has thrown things at me in the past such as my phone, laptop, pencil case. He swears in arguments and manipulates situations to justify his behaviour. He has dragged me by my jumper out of bed into a different room. In the most recent episode he has broken a glass in anger near my feet, pushed me and thrown a cup of water over me. (These incidents normally happen at night when boys are asleep so they have not witnessed them).

He can lose it over the smallest of things and the most recent being because he felt I was questioning him over the children. He can take no criticism and after events like the above occur he tells me that it was because I drove him to act that way. I don't swear and I try not to provoke him but I know his behaviour is not normal. He takes no accountability for his actions and says I drive him to lose it and in those moments and says I should step away and de-escalate the situation. For example when he is stood over me threatening to throw water on me if I had run away or left the room he wouldn't have done it. He says its my fault as I stand up for myself as in those moments I say to him 'I am not scared of you'... 'do it' etc. But I refuse to be intimidated by him and its just not in me to run away. Even though my heart is pounding and I am scared I stand up to him in those moments.

Enough is enough and I need to leave but my heart is breaking for my boys and I feel sick as this decision will turn their life upside down. This marriage is toxic and I know there is little hope for change as he has zero insight or accountability for his actions.

He is ok in nearly all other areas but the bad is SO bad that it makes me so worried for a future with him.

I know what I need to do and I guess I was just after some moral support from other women who understand. I plan on telling him today whilst I am at work that he needs to leave the house and I want a separation.

Thank you all from an anxious mama who need some moral support.

Being afraid and still standing up to him is real courage. Respect!!

You have made the right decision.

Wishing you well later. It’s good that you have a strong family network of support.

Well done. You, and your children, should not be abused. In effect he is abusing the children because he clearly doesn't have a clue how his moods, violence make them feel. As others have said, they will know, maybe not now, but at some point in the future. Many women feel that the partner will never be violent to the kids, but no one can guarantee that. They need to be protected. You have taken the first step, now carry on and you will soon have a better life.

OP, you say if you leave your heart will break for your children. My heart breaks for them and you if you stay.

You and your boys deserve a loving, calm and stable environment. You don't have that but you will make it happen.

Speaking from experience- I separated 2 years ago (different but similar circumstances) and yes, ripping the plaster off is hard. The initial conversations, establishing a new way of life, the challenges as a solo parent but you will absolutely find a way through and you will be in a better place.

You say your boys don't know what's happening because it is at night....they do. Kids are like sponges and soak up eveything, every emotions and feeling is absorbed. Deep down you will know this.

Surround your self with support either in RL or online and go on to make a better life. You and your boys deserve it. You'll never regret choosing peace and calm over violence.

You are more capable than you know.

This depends on which country you are in as it's not true for Scotland.

Good luck op

I echo what others have said - it will get worse.

Men like yours are cowardly thugs. I stood up to my physically and emotionally abusive ex and in order to keep me controlled, he started on the children.

It took this to make me realise I needed to end the relationship.

I am ashamed that I didn’t do it earlier, and yes, my children had often heard/seen things that affected them hugely.

I am ashamed that my inaction was to blame for that.

I could have written this post. My life would be better now if they had separated when we were children. I had years of lying in bed listening to the shouting and pretending I hadn’t seen the black eyes.

Hi so sorry you are all going through this. Your situation sounds very mine five years ago. It took me too long to get there but one night I finally realised I couldn’t keep my children safe (or myself) and after one particularly bad episode I called the Police. They arrived really quickly and took him away. My house felt instantly lighter. Please do something. The impacts are long lasting even if you think your children aren’t witnessing the worst of it.

If he is going to be alone in the house for a few days, as well as documents make sure you take any sentimental items with you.

Basically anything he knows you care about (jewellery/ornaments/pictures/photos).

A work colleague left her DH under similar circumstances and came home to find he'd trashed absolutely everything he thought she cared about in the property (and also smashed some doors in).

here to support you, glad you can stay with your sister. Stay strong! Did you purchase your house before getting married? If not, It could be considered a marital asset even without his contributions.

I grew up in a similar environment. Full of emotional and mental abuse, very limited physical abuse but it did happen. I remember as a child, lying in bed sobbing, hearing him bellow and rage. Still affects me now and I'm in my 50's. I'm so glad you're feeling strong enough to leave him OP; you and your kids will benefit hugely from having a free life from this horrible, toxic bully.

As others have said, he can control his temper very well if he's able to only become abusive when the kids can't see it.

Op, well done on being so brave and thinking things through sensibly.

Hats off to you, you deserve a better life. His violence is escalating and thisnaways ends in hitting eventually.

@KreedKafer "I would also add that if your husband can control his temper enough not to throw things at you, shove you and smash things when the children are there, he could also control himself when they're not around. He's not losing his temper. He's actively choosing to express his anger through violence."

THIS is extremely important to understand. Please, do whatever it takes and don't let your children alone with him either.

Side note - children really do pick up on what they see from parents.

My partner has some traits, can’t take criticism, knows it all, selfishness, views on things, road rage etc. Overall lovely but certain things crop up that I have to stamp out sharpish.

I met his father and suddenly I felt sorry for him because his dad is the EXACT same to the word. Like his sentences are identical.

Leave and don’t let your children become that man.

You’ve had great advice in here so nothing to add there, just wanted to give a hand hold and say you’ve got this! ❤️

Well done for making your decision OP
You sound really strong and having a good support network is so important
You and your DC's safety is paramount and everything else can wait

Be prepared for all sorts of reactions from him. He sounds like a very abusive individual and will want to blame you and direct his anger at you leaving right at you.
Try be as non inflammatory as you can in any communication with him. Keep it as brief as you can. It's possible he's highly narcissistic/ sociopath with the descriptions of violent rages.
You know 100% that whatever the kids say,this is the absolute right thing to leave and never go back.

What will you do if he refuses to leave the family home? He may well do this and as you are married he has as much right as you do to stay there. I suggest you get a lawyer, and get some clear advice on best next steps.

Also get the divorce application in first, so that you are the applicant and control the pace. If you can document the abuse you could get an occupation order if he refuses to leave the home. You'd need to prove it's an adverse environment for the children to be living in. Id be prepared for him to react very badly, and there are many ways people can use the legal system to continue to be abusive. So be prepared.

Please read Why does he do that?
Contact Womens Aid or your local equivalent as soon as you can. Trust me they are excellent and will help you.

Best of luck op

Can I ask you, why tell him? And give him the chance to lose his shit?
Just do it x

This is good advice. Ideally you would get legal advice before you leave. The level of contact your children have with him in future and whether he has the right to remain in the family home until you divorce may depend on what evidence you have of abuse. You need a plan for what happens if he won’t leave (and strictly you’re not usually entitled to change the locks in order to prevent your husband accessing the property unless there’s a legal order in place). If you live in England or Wales, you also need to plan for what happens if you are required to split assets with him 50/50 or close to that.

@Brownmummy35 don't engage with him as it will escalate. Stay strong.

I'd strongly advise you to contact Womens Aid before you take any action at all.