Horrible marriage... this is the end.

[Brownmummy35]

Hi All,

I think I have finally decided that I need to leave my husband and end my marriage.

We have been married 8 years and have 2 small children who are 4 and 6 years old. My husband has a horrible temper and over the years we have had a number of incidents where he flies off the handle and has a blind fit of rage.

He has thrown things at me in the past such as my phone, laptop, pencil case. He swears in arguments and manipulates situations to justify his behaviour. He has dragged me by my jumper out of bed into a different room. In the most recent episode he has broken a glass in anger near my feet, pushed me and thrown a cup of water over me. (These incidents normally happen at night when boys are asleep so they have not witnessed them).

He can lose it over the smallest of things and the most recent being because he felt I was questioning him over the children. He can take no criticism and after events like the above occur he tells me that it was because I drove him to act that way. I don't swear and I try not to provoke him but I know his behaviour is not normal. He takes no accountability for his actions and says I drive him to lose it and in those moments and says I should step away and de-escalate the situation. For example when he is stood over me threatening to throw water on me if I had run away or left the room he wouldn't have done it. He says its my fault as I stand up for myself as in those moments I say to him 'I am not scared of you'... 'do it' etc. But I refuse to be intimidated by him and its just not in me to run away. Even though my heart is pounding and I am scared I stand up to him in those moments.

Enough is enough and I need to leave but my heart is breaking for my boys and I feel sick as this decision will turn their life upside down. This marriage is toxic and I know there is little hope for change as he has zero insight or accountability for his actions.

He is ok in nearly all other areas but the bad is SO bad that it makes me so worried for a future with him.

I know what I need to do and I guess I was just after some moral support from other women who understand. I plan on telling him today whilst I am at work that he needs to leave the house and I want a separation.

Thank you all from an anxious mama who need some moral support.

Hi OP.
I would encourage you to engage with Women's Aid before ending this relationship. It would help if you had an escape plan, you're probably going to need to get orders in place to make sure he doesn't continue to abuse you once the relationship has ended. If you leave and go to your sisters tonight and end the relationship from there, will he potentially turn up to abuse you?

I am so glad you have the courage to finally end things, but please do it safely. The most dangerous time is now.

I'm rooting for you.

Get as much informations /official doc etc in order and speak to Women’s Aid.
Also if you can obtain any video evidence of his violent outbursts / hateful texts etc or have any they come in very handy.

As someone who has left a violent controlling men i know that when you leave / end the relationship it can be one of the most dangerous times.
Children do pick up on all of this even if you think by not seeing it then do. This includes young children

stay safe and resolute. He sounds absolutely awful and utterly dangerous. Some form of very serious physical harm to you is coming if you stay of that I am certain

One day he will go too far and hurt you, or even one of the children when they get bigger and may be a bit defiant. Make it a clean break and leave the house when you tell him, maybe get the children out in advance. You have no idea how he will react at this, in his view ultimate act of provoking him. Be very careful.

Huge good luck and love being sent your way OP. You are being very brave and definitely making the right decision.

I have a friend who was in a very similar relationship. Had two children and they have both had temper, violent issues that they have learnt from him. She finally left him when her daughter was 10 and son was 4. Both were very angry children. She should have done it sooner but it's so hard :(

She is now in a very loving and respectful relationship, the children are doing so much better x

Just to update everyone that we are staying at my sisters and I text him to tell him I want a separation. He hasn’t even replied but has moved some of his stuff out.

so far he has been surprisingly quiet so time will tell how things actually go…. But so far so good!

So glad you are safely away from him op 💐.

That's good news.

But be on your guard!

Well done. BTW it's so nice to have an update, I often wonder how things end up and it's good to hear he seems to be going quietly. Best wishes for the future.

Well done, @Brownmummy35 but seriously without trying to alarm you, this is only the beginning of the end with men like him. Be super vigilant. Best wishes.

Thank you to everyone for your support and kind wishes.

Thank you so much for your update. And for so decisively moving to protect yourself and your children. I am sure your courage will have a good effect on many women who silently read along with this thread. You never know whose life you may have changed.@Brownmummy35

Let's hope he doesn't change the locks .
Maybe he had someone else, didn't want you but didn't want to leave.
My BIL is Satan himself and he done this, had someone else. Invited her in to the family home to babysit n all.

That's good news
I'm hoping everything stays quiet for you.

Glad you got out before he seriously injured or killed you!

Report his abuse to the police and advise them that you have ended the relationship. They can advise how to proceed. The point you leave the relationship is very high risk of violence.

Glad you have messaged him.
Hope everything goes smoothly from here on in.