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Original poster

My Fiance pouts/treats the kids and I bad if he's told no to sex

98 replies

Stepmomof2 · 04/08/2024 16:30

Just a little back story ..

I (33 F) met my fiancé (40 M) almost 4 years ago. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex wife has since decided she wants nothing to do with their children. So I took on the role as their mother full time and stay home with them while he works. I have tried to find a job while they're in school and work from home positions but nothing has really worked with the schedule of the children. So I am a full time stay at home mom to his children ( now 9 and 13 was 5 and 9 when we met).

I love his children like they are my own and I love taking care of them and being their mom.

My reason for posting is my relationship with their father (my fiancé) is not doing well. After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him. I will say he's come a long way in those almost 4 years. But one thing he can't seem to get over is when I say no to him. If I say I'm really tired, have a migraine(I have an illness that causes these and I am on meds), or sore (I am almost 400 lbs and have some issues with hips and ankles) or just don't feel like it then he throws a fit, gets angry, and treats the kids and I terribly for the rest of the day/night/week. He will snap at anyone who speaks to him, he screams at us for things that are not worth the reaction (example: someone moved something he left laying around).
I have tried so many things to try and get us past this but I feel as though im the only one doing the work. I have tried scheduling sex and sticking to it even when I'm sick/tired/sore. We made an agreement that we would have sex on the weekend because he works 12-14 hr days and comes home and wants sex then passes out on the couch which made it more of a chore for me. That didn't work because he would just treat the kids and I terrible for the entire week then come home on Friday night acting sweet then demanding sex. Eventually l told him that it isn't working for me either because I started dreading the weekends because I was expected to run to the bedroom whenever he wanted sex and we had no family time together because the weekends were only for sex in his eyes. I've cried so many tears begging for him to change this behavior and he says he will but never does.

It has got to the point that if I want to do something as a family or with him other than sex that I have found myself making sure to give him sex 3 or 4 days in a row just so I may get to do the things I wanted without a fight (usually it's something with the kids like camping, fishing, swimming, etc.)

My question is.. am I wasting my time trying to fix this? It feels like I only stick around and try to fix it because I love his children and I know if I leave him then I have no rights to them and I know they won't have a good life with him alone. (Considering I have to have sex with him for him to agree to do things with them/us). Is this abuse? Because it feels like it. I need advice on how to move forward in this relationship because I am getting so depressed and rarely go a day without crying in the shower or hiding somewhere crying so the kids don't see how much he hurts me. Please help

  • a very tired step mom.
OP posts:
Olympicfatigued · 04/08/2024 16:34

He sounds absolutely vile. He is treating you like some kind of sex slave. It’s a form of abuse. The emotional abuse of you his children is unforgivable. It sounds like he’s using you as a substitute mother to his children too. What’s in this for you.

MidnightPatrol · 04/08/2024 16:34

Why are you with him?

BobbyBiscuits · 04/08/2024 16:34

Yes. Leave now. He's a fuckhead.

summerdazey · 04/08/2024 16:36

Seriously, I would leave him. Its going to hurt. You shouldn never have been their "mother figure" thar early on.

cupcaske123 · 04/08/2024 16:37

OP he's horrifically abusive and you're not married and don't have children with him so I suggest you leave as soon as you can.

Do you have any friends or relatives you can move in with until you get a job? Can you phone a domestic abuse organisation and get some help and advice on getting away?

NowyouhaveDunnett · 04/08/2024 16:37

He really has got you where he wants you.

Why on earth are you doing everything for his children when he treats you with utter contempt?

Get the hell out of there.

HermioneWeasley · 04/08/2024 16:38

OMG, he’s got a maid and sex slave. You e given up your work to raise his kids and run his house. Leave now!

SilkFloss · 04/08/2024 16:38

Sorry honey but this is bad.
I get that you love the kids but you are in a very vulnerable position here. You aren't married and you aren't working so you have zero rights to anything you've worked towards in the last four years. You are enabling him to work and earn his own money and you have nothing - except a lot of grief.
You need to start planning g an exit route here.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2024 16:39

I can't believe what I've just read. Leave him. He's an abusive pig.

Ponderingwindow · 04/08/2024 16:41

You have made yourself incredibly vulnerable. You have no job and no legal rights. Even if you were to marry, you would have no rights to the children you love and have sacrificed so much for.

you need to get a full time job. Your fiancé needs to be a more active father to facilitate your employment or be can pay someone to take care of his children. Once you have a job you will have real choices available to you.

Devilsmommy · 04/08/2024 16:42

What the fuck?!! Rapey cunt😡 darling do yourself a massive favour and lose this twat.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/08/2024 16:42

This is horrifying. You need to leave. I get that you will be worried about the children but if you have evidence that he is not an adequate father to the children (obviously he is abusive to you- that isn’t in question), perhaps you could make a report to social services (or equivalent body in the country you are in) explaining your concerns for the children’s welfare. You deserve a life- this is not a life. 💐

arethereanyleftatall · 04/08/2024 16:42

Omg what?!? Leave now.

2sisters · 04/08/2024 16:46

He is abusive. What he's doing is coercive control. He's being cruel to you and his own kids to get sex. Unfortunately, he's using your love of his kids as a weapon against you. You need to leave him for your own wellbeing. You can't fix him. I also imagine that he's always been abusive and there is more to the ex story than you know about.

Lucytheloose · 04/08/2024 16:47

You love the children, but is that really a sufficient reason to live as unpaid nanny to someone else's children, or to tolerate abuse, or to have sex you don't want?

Strawberriesandpimms · 04/08/2024 16:48

You. Can't. Fix. Him.
Leave!

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/08/2024 16:48

OP he’s using you in every sense . You are financially dependent on him and he’s abusing you badly.
Speak to woman’s aid , this situation is not healthy or safe .

Behonest32 · 04/08/2024 16:48

Stepmomof2 · 04/08/2024 16:30

Just a little back story ..

I (33 F) met my fiancé (40 M) almost 4 years ago. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex wife has since decided she wants nothing to do with their children. So I took on the role as their mother full time and stay home with them while he works. I have tried to find a job while they're in school and work from home positions but nothing has really worked with the schedule of the children. So I am a full time stay at home mom to his children ( now 9 and 13 was 5 and 9 when we met).

I love his children like they are my own and I love taking care of them and being their mom.

My reason for posting is my relationship with their father (my fiancé) is not doing well. After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him. I will say he's come a long way in those almost 4 years. But one thing he can't seem to get over is when I say no to him. If I say I'm really tired, have a migraine(I have an illness that causes these and I am on meds), or sore (I am almost 400 lbs and have some issues with hips and ankles) or just don't feel like it then he throws a fit, gets angry, and treats the kids and I terribly for the rest of the day/night/week. He will snap at anyone who speaks to him, he screams at us for things that are not worth the reaction (example: someone moved something he left laying around).
I have tried so many things to try and get us past this but I feel as though im the only one doing the work. I have tried scheduling sex and sticking to it even when I'm sick/tired/sore. We made an agreement that we would have sex on the weekend because he works 12-14 hr days and comes home and wants sex then passes out on the couch which made it more of a chore for me. That didn't work because he would just treat the kids and I terrible for the entire week then come home on Friday night acting sweet then demanding sex. Eventually l told him that it isn't working for me either because I started dreading the weekends because I was expected to run to the bedroom whenever he wanted sex and we had no family time together because the weekends were only for sex in his eyes. I've cried so many tears begging for him to change this behavior and he says he will but never does.

It has got to the point that if I want to do something as a family or with him other than sex that I have found myself making sure to give him sex 3 or 4 days in a row just so I may get to do the things I wanted without a fight (usually it's something with the kids like camping, fishing, swimming, etc.)

My question is.. am I wasting my time trying to fix this? It feels like I only stick around and try to fix it because I love his children and I know if I leave him then I have no rights to them and I know they won't have a good life with him alone. (Considering I have to have sex with him for him to agree to do things with them/us). Is this abuse? Because it feels like it. I need advice on how to move forward in this relationship because I am getting so depressed and rarely go a day without crying in the shower or hiding somewhere crying so the kids don't see how much he hurts me. Please help

  • a very tired step mom.

It certainly is abuse, he is emotionally abusing you by making you feel you have to have sex for him to be 'happy and engaging' - even with his own kids.

He is sexually abusing you knowing that you do not want to have sex really and are just doing it to make him happy.

I believe he is most likely the narcissist here - using you for sex and childcare duty, you are his 'supply' that he can feed off to get what he wants,

How do finances work? Do you have to ask for money? Can you have some spare cash to buy what you want or does he keep tight reigns on you?

Please think of a get out plan. This will be your life forever and that is no way to live. You deserve so much more and you are clearly a lovely person taking on his children. But they are his, not yours so please don't feel bad. Your feelings are 100% valid- even if he is nice after sex.

PashaMinaMio · 04/08/2024 16:49

Start getting some power back. Start taking steps to get everything you can together in preparation to leave him. He’s abusing you. Treating you like a sex slave. Put together an overnight bag to pick up and leave in a hurry.

Are you in the UK? For goodness sake woman, you’re not married to him. Get out as soon as you can. Take the kids with you (given you love them) and see what happens. Better for them than living with the terrible atmosphere which must prevail in your home.

JFDIYOLO · 04/08/2024 16:50

I am so sorry. What a vile man. You are in an abusive coercively controlled relationship. You're lovely for caring for his children as if they were your own. But they aren't. You're an unpaid nanny, housekeeper and sex appliance that's required to work as advertised or there's trouble.

Please read this. I hope you can access help.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Recognising domestic abuse - Women’s Aid

Recognising domestic abuse Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you t...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse

Iheartmysmart · 04/08/2024 16:50

Bloody hell. You gave up your independence to look after kids that aren’t yours without any legal protection at all. Madness. Dump the abusive idiot and make a life for yourself.

Lavender14 · 04/08/2024 16:52

Op you make it explicitly clear to him that what he's doing is coercion and sex under coercion is rape. He is sexually abusing you and it is unacceptable. Personally I think you walk away, that behaviour is inexcusable. Is he controlling in other areas?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2024 16:52

HermioneWeasley · 04/08/2024 16:38

OMG, he’s got a maid and sex slave. You e given up your work to raise his kids and run his house. Leave now!

This. It's insane. And since it is insane, why have you chosen this life? I suspect from your post that you had a very unhappy childhood.

Leave, then explore why you have made these choices in therapy.

And no, he's not fixable and I suspect he was also abusive to his ex. Or they were abusive to each other.

Therealmetherealme · 04/08/2024 16:54

I would truly question why his ex-wife is not in the picture. Nothing he has told you may be true.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 04/08/2024 16:56

You gave up work to raise someone else's kids with no marriage and no legal protections?! I wish women weren't their own worst enemies so often. Yes it's abuse. You need to get out.