My Fiance pouts/treats the kids and I bad if he's told no to sex

[Stepmomof2]

Just a little back story ..

I (33 F) met my fiancé (40 M) almost 4 years ago. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex wife has since decided she wants nothing to do with their children. So I took on the role as their mother full time and stay home with them while he works. I have tried to find a job while they're in school and work from home positions but nothing has really worked with the schedule of the children. So I am a full time stay at home mom to his children ( now 9 and 13 was 5 and 9 when we met).

I love his children like they are my own and I love taking care of them and being their mom.

My reason for posting is my relationship with their father (my fiancé) is not doing well. After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him. I will say he's come a long way in those almost 4 years. But one thing he can't seem to get over is when I say no to him. If I say I'm really tired, have a migraine(I have an illness that causes these and I am on meds), or sore (I am almost 400 lbs and have some issues with hips and ankles) or just don't feel like it then he throws a fit, gets angry, and treats the kids and I terribly for the rest of the day/night/week. He will snap at anyone who speaks to him, he screams at us for things that are not worth the reaction (example: someone moved something he left laying around).
I have tried so many things to try and get us past this but I feel as though im the only one doing the work. I have tried scheduling sex and sticking to it even when I'm sick/tired/sore. We made an agreement that we would have sex on the weekend because he works 12-14 hr days and comes home and wants sex then passes out on the couch which made it more of a chore for me. That didn't work because he would just treat the kids and I terrible for the entire week then come home on Friday night acting sweet then demanding sex. Eventually l told him that it isn't working for me either because I started dreading the weekends because I was expected to run to the bedroom whenever he wanted sex and we had no family time together because the weekends were only for sex in his eyes. I've cried so many tears begging for him to change this behavior and he says he will but never does.

It has got to the point that if I want to do something as a family or with him other than sex that I have found myself making sure to give him sex 3 or 4 days in a row just so I may get to do the things I wanted without a fight (usually it's something with the kids like camping, fishing, swimming, etc.)

My question is.. am I wasting my time trying to fix this? It feels like I only stick around and try to fix it because I love his children and I know if I leave him then I have no rights to them and I know they won't have a good life with him alone. (Considering I have to have sex with him for him to agree to do things with them/us). Is this abuse? Because it feels like it. I need advice on how to move forward in this relationship because I am getting so depressed and rarely go a day without crying in the shower or hiding somewhere crying so the kids don't see how much he hurts me. Please help

• a very tired step mom.

Just a thought but could you play the long game OP by seeing if you can adopt the children. Then you could leave the abusive arsehole but still have involvement in the childrens lives.

I honestly have no words for this apart from poor you and those poor children. This is truly awful and I've read some awful shit on here

I really hope you and the children can get away from this man

What. The. Fuck

Absolutely gross! Does he literally jsut expect to have sex all weekend?

I would be questioning why his ex doesn't want anything to do with the children based on his blatant sexual abuse of you. I wouldn't hesitate to bet he did the same to her.

You need to speak to Women's Aid ASAP. You are vulnerable based on the few things you have said about your health and those children are also being emotionally abused. This man is not fit to be in any of your lives.

Abusive men often say their ex is abusive.

She doesn't need to play the long game or adopt them. She needs to leave him and then apply to court for leave to apply for a child arrangement order which if granted would allow her to have contact and potentially share PR.

What are your children doing when he’s got you shagging all weekend. When you’re sore. Or in pain?

It is so horribly abusive that I really hope you’re exaggerating.

I agree with those highlighting how vulnerable you are, @Stepmomof2 .

You absolutely have to start taking charge of your life. Otherwise, one day, you will be left high and dry.

Plenty of stories on MN of women who have drifted into dependency - no career or consistent work history, no home of their own, no claim on their partner's assets...... finding themselves alone and broke in their 50s, 60s. You don't want to be one of them!

Another man who thinks his partner is his sex toy. Get rid!

What the hell have I just read?!!! Get out now.

As PP’s have said, I suspect there is a lot more around the story about his ex than he has revealed, and presumably his version is making him out to be the injured party.

You are in a seriously abusive relationship and you need to get the hell out.

"Abusive ex-wife" my arse.

Don't walk - run.

An abusive ex-wife and a narcissistic mother? I doubt it very much. He seems to be the common denominator here. No wonder his ex-wife and mother had enough of him - sounds to me like you have too. He is vile.

He's your fiance? For Christ's sake, don't marry him.

Does that also apply even though she is just the partner of the childrens father so she has no official relationship to them?

Since you’re not earning an income because you’re looking after his children I presume he has been paying into your pension? I’m guessing not. And you’re not married so you have the right to nothing. You are being coerced into sex by an abusive man, providing free childcare, and have no income of your own. You are very vulnerable and you must take steps to protect yourself. Ditching him, getting a job, and seeking therapy for what you are going through are only the first steps. The kids will soon be old enough to have a separate relationship with you if that’s what they want, but for your own sake you need to look after yourself first before you start looking after other people.

Oh sweetie, I have been where you are. I was with a man, who's children lived with him (they did see their Mother though), and all I ever was is a housekeeper, cook, childminder and sex slave to his whims. I did work part-time too. He is treating you and his children like a pile of utter crap. I wasn't married to him, the house was his and the children weren't mine. You have literally no legal protection at all. I stayed way too long, for the children's sake. Their Mum was a waste of space, and quite frankly so was their Dad. He sounds much like my ex. In my defence I was young, 24 and was naive. It didn't occur to me, that he was abusive, and even when I left 4 years later, I didn't really understand it either. It wasn't until I got much older, that I realised how used I had been, and yes his behaviour was abusive. You can't heal everyone, it's not your responsibility to. His children are his responsibility, not yours and the situation will only continue to get worse. You need to take steps to leave. I can tell you now, it will be bloody hard and probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do, will be to leave the children. You will survive. You need to leave for your own well-being and future. You deserve much better, and there are decent men out there. I left my ex 21 years ago, and have been happily married for 16 years with a 13 year old son.

First move, get out. Do you have somewhere to go?
Do you have access to money? Sort out any benefits you may be eligible to claim.

Then as a poster up thread says, court for parental responsibility.

With him working 12-14 hour days, he will need some childcare. He will be left stuck if you make this move quickly.
If you wish, you can offer to do childcare from your place, and he pays the expenses for this.

This is horrific abuse. Run.

OP leave as soon as you can.

All the horrible coercive sex aside, he can throw you out at any time and you have no job, no claim to the house or any money. No state or workplace pension contributions for the years you haven’t worked. You must not allow this to continue. Do not get pregnant.

I know someone this happened to and she now has nothing aged 55. Very little chance of ever buying a home etc. At least they were her own children she raised (who are now young adults and having to help her out).

Make a plan to leave this absolute nightmare behind. Wouldn’t believe a word he says about his ex either.

💐

I can't understand how a woman can just leave her kids. You mentioned his narc mother, and the way he acts is text book narcissistic too. I feel for you and the children. Did the mum have a mental breakdown with that family? Why did she just leave her kids? Men like will threatening the women too, and will almost always have control and try to get a new substitute. They don't want the kids but I bet the birth mother can't have them either. Alarm bells ringing about his abusive ex wife too! Typical narcissistic always the victim.

So you’re his full time childminder and sex machine, why would you want that life for yourself? That sounds vile, no wonder his ex ran a mile.

In all honesty Op he's not going to need you for much longer.

They he can find sex elsewhere without having to keep her as well.

She will be done for kidnapping. She isn't legally their mother. And then prove he is abusive in court can be a nightmare. Don't do this! I know it's hard but its illegal to just take the kids.

This is all kinds of insane, for the reasons everyone has given.

The police will just come and take them right back and has someone mentioned you'll have to apply in court but as you're not legally theirs there is a chance you'll be charged for kidnapping. So best bet is allying in court but this is going to be very very difficult for you and prepare for lots more abuse and possibly threats. Gosh what a hard situation for you.