My Fiance pouts/treats the kids and I bad if he's told no to sex

[Stepmomof2]

Just a little back story ..

I (33 F) met my fiancé (40 M) almost 4 years ago. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex wife has since decided she wants nothing to do with their children. So I took on the role as their mother full time and stay home with them while he works. I have tried to find a job while they're in school and work from home positions but nothing has really worked with the schedule of the children. So I am a full time stay at home mom to his children ( now 9 and 13 was 5 and 9 when we met).

I love his children like they are my own and I love taking care of them and being their mom.

My reason for posting is my relationship with their father (my fiancé) is not doing well. After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him. I will say he's come a long way in those almost 4 years. But one thing he can't seem to get over is when I say no to him. If I say I'm really tired, have a migraine(I have an illness that causes these and I am on meds), or sore (I am almost 400 lbs and have some issues with hips and ankles) or just don't feel like it then he throws a fit, gets angry, and treats the kids and I terribly for the rest of the day/night/week. He will snap at anyone who speaks to him, he screams at us for things that are not worth the reaction (example: someone moved something he left laying around).
I have tried so many things to try and get us past this but I feel as though im the only one doing the work. I have tried scheduling sex and sticking to it even when I'm sick/tired/sore. We made an agreement that we would have sex on the weekend because he works 12-14 hr days and comes home and wants sex then passes out on the couch which made it more of a chore for me. That didn't work because he would just treat the kids and I terrible for the entire week then come home on Friday night acting sweet then demanding sex. Eventually l told him that it isn't working for me either because I started dreading the weekends because I was expected to run to the bedroom whenever he wanted sex and we had no family time together because the weekends were only for sex in his eyes. I've cried so many tears begging for him to change this behavior and he says he will but never does.

It has got to the point that if I want to do something as a family or with him other than sex that I have found myself making sure to give him sex 3 or 4 days in a row just so I may get to do the things I wanted without a fight (usually it's something with the kids like camping, fishing, swimming, etc.)

My question is.. am I wasting my time trying to fix this? It feels like I only stick around and try to fix it because I love his children and I know if I leave him then I have no rights to them and I know they won't have a good life with him alone. (Considering I have to have sex with him for him to agree to do things with them/us). Is this abuse? Because it feels like it. I need advice on how to move forward in this relationship because I am getting so depressed and rarely go a day without crying in the shower or hiding somewhere crying so the kids don't see how much he hurts me. Please help

• a very tired step mom.

@Stepmomof2 I wouldnt be surprised if he was the reason for the marriage break up and not his wife!! is it his house? did he already have the kids before you got together??

Unfortunately I did have a traumatic childhood. I was sexually abused from the age of 4-12 by neighbors. I am currently healing after only telling my family recently and starring the healing process. I understand that it's probably why I am allowing such behavior and treatment. I need help.

Are you seriously not considering that it was he was was abusive to his ex and she left to get away from him?

You're being used and abused. It is a cycle. Get the hell away

FFS, he needed a live in housekeeper/nanny that would have sex with him. Leave.

Fucking hell, OP. I’m so sad for you reading this. This is a terrible relationship. You need to walk away and get some therapy.

Totally agree. And on top of this she has given up her career and financials freedom and independence for someone who abuses and treats her as a sex slave and substitute mother for his children.

I agree with every post this is abuse. On a practical note also if you are not the person in receipt of the child benefits you won't have had any national insurance credits for the past four years which will impact your ability to claim state pension.

Yes, you're wasting your time and you're being taken for a mug. Why stop working and look after his kids?? What about your financial security? They're HIS kids.

He's hideously abusive too. Those poor kids.

I'd dump him and get back to work.

And don't believe what he told you about his ex. Nonsense. I bet he abused her too.

Their mother is a terrible woman. She beat their father (I've seen proof) and she treated the kids horribly. She wants nothing to do with them and has had 2 more children with another man and has a life with them but refuses any contact with the children in my care. I've taken it upon myself to try and find her (to have her served with legal documents to file for child support or have visits with her children) but she is not easy to find. She has an older child aswell (aged 17) who lives with my fiancé's mother (not biologically related to the child) who she also has nothing to do with. I have put more effort into the children's welfare than anyone else in their life. The youngest (9) doesn't even remember her mother other than seeing her beat on her father and get arrested. It's a sad sad situation. I have fostered children for years and I wish I could just take them away from it all but if I leave I'm sure I'll never see them again or they will end up in foster care/group home. I'd give my life to protect them and I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing .. I'm just not sure if I'm helping or hindering them by staying around.

Are you absolutely sure his ex was abusive? Do you have anyone else's word for it, or just the abuser himself?

He is using you in every sense of the word.

Get a job or get out, OP. It's no life you have, there.

This is awful, especially as you have given up so much to care for his children. He has learnt that if he throws a strop or gets angry, he gets what he wants, just like a toddler. Giving him sex for four days so that you can do something fun with his children allows him to manipulate and use you to excerpt control. This. Is horrendous and abusive and you need to end it. This is not love, you are just the nanny and a sex slave to him.
Pack a bag and contact Womens Aid who will give support and assist you to leave. I understand you love and care for the children but you need to care about yourself too.
What money of your own do you have? Does he provide you with an income?
Get out as soon as you can. Then you can consider a report to Childrens Services about the way he verbally abuses his children.

I've seen photos of the abuse and read police reports of it. She is just as vile.

This is horrific

Are you in the UK?

Why are you with him? He’s an abusive piece of shit who is coercing you into sex. Why are you still planning on marrying him?

You mention you weigh around 400lbs, which I’ve just worked out is nearly 29 stone. Absolutely no judgement from me, but just on a practical level, that must honestly make getting around quite difficult for you - you must be exhausted, frankly, and in significant physical pain at times. I’m wondering whether your weight and eating is linked to abuse and low self-esteem? The fact you’re having to ask “Is this abuse?” about this man’s behaviour is really worrying, because it sounds like your boundaries are really confused. You sound like a lovely, kind person and you deserve SO much better than this kind of awful abuse. Your story is actually heartbreaking.

I have full access to his bank accounts and all his money but I get told "it's my money" every time I try to use any for myself or the kids. I have no income on my own. I am starting school soon to get a diploma in early childhood education (paid for by the government) so that I will have my own income.

You need to leave him and concentrate on improving your own health and work prospects.

He's using you , for childcare and sex. Sulking is very unattractive. I wonder why his previous relationship failed. Poor kids, but you should end it.

@Stepmomof2 Ultimately you can't stay for his children. It sounds like they have family who can support them, there's also social services.

You can't stay with this man and continue to be abused. Please contact a domestic abuse organisation and get away from him.

And, I bet anything he'll replace you before the bed's cold, he needs childcare.

We rent the house we are both on the lease. If I could afford the rent alone I know the landlord would remove him from the lease and allow me to stay but I cannot afford the $1400 a month with no income. He says the child tax (child benefits) is my income but that doesn't even cover rent so 100% of it goes to rent and he covers the rest.

I was just about to say the same that he would instantly replace you if you left, I’m sorry but you need to get out and leave. I think he has worked out you have low self esteem and bullies and abuses you cos he knows you won’t leave, It’s really lovely what you have done for his children it is, but unfortunately if things were to go south you would have no claim to these children at all.

He’s financially and emotionally abusive, and you can’t blame it all on his mother or his ex either.

Contact woman’s aid and please try and get help in leaving. You know deep down this isn’t right this relationship don’t you ?

No I am in Canada, I was unaware this is a UK site

Here you are. A list of all domestic abuse organisations in Canada
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html

Thank you, I appreciate you.

Hey OP. Love how committed you are to those kids and appreciate the terrible dilemma you now face. If you are in the Uk you could possibly apply for contact with the kids if he stops you seeing them. If you want to investigate this route you should take legal advice before you do anything, you may need to gather particular evidence. I can recommend a good specialist family law barrister who works via direct access- cheaper than a solicitor and possibly better, feel free to pm me if you want her name
obviously what is happening is unacceptable, but I understand that from your point of view it’s not going to be as easy as “just” leaving. I think I’d start with legal advice if I were you

Well so is he, so that makes 2 of them. I'm just sorry for you and the kids. I hope it all works out and it will. Get away from him, get yourself a job and live your life. Maybe you can apply for contact with the children? Or something similar.