My Fiance pouts/treats the kids and I bad if he's told no to sex

[Stepmomof2]

Just a little back story ..

I (33 F) met my fiancé (40 M) almost 4 years ago. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex wife has since decided she wants nothing to do with their children. So I took on the role as their mother full time and stay home with them while he works. I have tried to find a job while they're in school and work from home positions but nothing has really worked with the schedule of the children. So I am a full time stay at home mom to his children ( now 9 and 13 was 5 and 9 when we met).

I love his children like they are my own and I love taking care of them and being their mom.

My reason for posting is my relationship with their father (my fiancé) is not doing well. After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him. I will say he's come a long way in those almost 4 years. But one thing he can't seem to get over is when I say no to him. If I say I'm really tired, have a migraine(I have an illness that causes these and I am on meds), or sore (I am almost 400 lbs and have some issues with hips and ankles) or just don't feel like it then he throws a fit, gets angry, and treats the kids and I terribly for the rest of the day/night/week. He will snap at anyone who speaks to him, he screams at us for things that are not worth the reaction (example: someone moved something he left laying around).
I have tried so many things to try and get us past this but I feel as though im the only one doing the work. I have tried scheduling sex and sticking to it even when I'm sick/tired/sore. We made an agreement that we would have sex on the weekend because he works 12-14 hr days and comes home and wants sex then passes out on the couch which made it more of a chore for me. That didn't work because he would just treat the kids and I terrible for the entire week then come home on Friday night acting sweet then demanding sex. Eventually l told him that it isn't working for me either because I started dreading the weekends because I was expected to run to the bedroom whenever he wanted sex and we had no family time together because the weekends were only for sex in his eyes. I've cried so many tears begging for him to change this behavior and he says he will but never does.

It has got to the point that if I want to do something as a family or with him other than sex that I have found myself making sure to give him sex 3 or 4 days in a row just so I may get to do the things I wanted without a fight (usually it's something with the kids like camping, fishing, swimming, etc.)

My question is.. am I wasting my time trying to fix this? It feels like I only stick around and try to fix it because I love his children and I know if I leave him then I have no rights to them and I know they won't have a good life with him alone. (Considering I have to have sex with him for him to agree to do things with them/us). Is this abuse? Because it feels like it. I need advice on how to move forward in this relationship because I am getting so depressed and rarely go a day without crying in the shower or hiding somewhere crying so the kids don't see how much he hurts me. Please help

• a very tired step mom.

I can't believe what people are going through behind closed doors !!! OP this is horrific !!!! Am afraid you love the kids however they're not your responsibility and you're just a slave and a blow up doll to this man. Leave

OP, ad others have said yes you are being abused, you are in fact being coerced into sex which is rape. Please contact women's aid they can help you. Do you have anybody you can talk to who you trust?

After meeting him in 2021 I had to do a lot of work on helping him heal from his abusive ex wife and his narcissistic mother. He was a damaged man and I felt I could help him.

Says him… he sounds abusive, he has isolated and trapped you, making you financially dependant on him. Please seek help to protect yourself asap

A hurricane of red flags.

Coerced sex is rape.

Having kids live with a rapist is child abuse.

Go to the police, go to whatever women's aid/refuge equivalent there is in Canada. Contact social services.

In these circumstances you may have a decent chance of getting the kids.

But you should seek your own legal advice.

It's really awful, I hope you have good support in real life.

You need to report him for his awful treatment of his children.

For his coercive sexual control of you and financially abusing you.

Make it clear you are staying to protect the children.

You have given up far too much for a bad man.

Please reach out to services like SS, Women's aid etc.

Tell the truth.

@cupcaske123 "OP he's horrifically abusive and you're not married and don't have children with him so I suggest you leave as soon as you can."

I absolutely agree. But just in case other women are reading this- it absolutely doesn't matter whether you're married or not. If you need to leave, leave.

OP, he is abusive. I'd contact the charity but in the meantime I'd put in some rock solid boundaries. Sex only when you actually want it. When he explodes just repeat "don't talk to me like that" in a calm and disinterested tone (look up "grey rock") . Take the kids camping by yourself. Get the diploma, get earning. Get therapy. If you can stand to exist around him with these barriers in place until you're earning (so I'm 1-2 years) the eldest will be 14. It's a gamble but if you told your husband and kids they can stay with you or come round whenever, you might find that at that age it's possible and the husband.will be happy for you to have them. Just don't give away that you desperately want them to live with you.

Write down every single incident in a neutral and objective way. Date it and record times. Use exact phrasing from husband if you remember. Write down every time he forces to you have sex, shouts at the kids, or is abusive to anyone in your house. This can be used as evidence later on, to a court and SS as well. It's amazing what we just forget to say (and even what we plain and simple forget) when abuse is normalised.

Mine used to read like this:

Monday 5th June, approx. 1.30
H is angry I used the wrong sauce for dinner. H throws the pan across the room. H says: "why are you always like this, you fucking bitch". I replied not to talk to me like that. H said : "shut up you cunt" and slammed the door.

And so on. Honestly it's a small thing that really stacks up evidence. Even for yourself, when you start to doubt, seeing it all in black and white is a wake up call.

Ask social services for help housing the children. As the only good adult in their lives, you will want to protect them as well as yourself. If you were their bio mum we'd all be shouting at you to leave Asap with them.

Is adopting them officially and then leaving an option, by the way?

Maybe it's time to point out to him that he's no better.

I don't believe adoption is a option because the bio mom would have to give up her rights and she doesn't want to do that. She doesn't want anything to do with them but will do anything she can to make sure I can't be their legal parent. She won't divorce him so we can get married (don't plan on doing this anymore anyways) she won't pay child support or take them for visits because she has to be supervised as per instructions from the oldest childs(13) psychologist because he's afraid of her. (For good reason) I'm the only stable person in their life (safe for them) I may be mentally anquished from stress with him but I am always here to make sure they safe, healthy, fed, and have what they want (within reason) and need. If I left I fully believe the children would end up in foster care or a group home. I am a registered foster parent so I could take them that way but it's not a guarantee they would choose me. So it's a gamble unfortunately and I'm not ready for that.

OP this is one of the most upsetting threads I've read in a long time and I really feel for you. Please please do everything in your power to leave, you can't live like this

Unfortunately, this. Sorry OP. What a horrible situation to be in.

Whereabouts in Canada? I used to live in BC so I know a little about housing, women's services and child support there.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. That explains so much about what's happening.

You know he's the same thing as his mum and ex right? An abusive narcissist. That is assuming his ex was even one. Abusers like to claim their ex was the abuser.

Run for the hills.
You are not the children's mother. Go.

@Stepmomof2 Can you at the very least, contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some advice? That would be a first step.

Secondly, how do you think he would react if you simply refused sex? I know he would be in a mood but do you think he could get violent?

I think social services would be very likely to let you foster the kids. They don’t want to traumatize children.

Op this is no way to live your life.
I couldn't imagine living like this, sacrificing your own needs to keep him happy and keep the peace no wonder you dread sex.
It's time to think of you and start making plans to leave.
Go be happy.

I don't think he would get violent with me .. but I can't say the same for the kids. He tends to take it out on them. He doesn't hit them but I wouldn't be surprised if he did with how angry he gets with them. I am their only protector. He cowers when I stand up to him.. he spanked the oldest once and I grabbed ahold of him and said I would not hesitate to call the police and he coward as if I was going to hit him.

You gave up work to care for his DCs and he's still married to their mum?!?!?!!!!

This has so many
WTF
WTF
WTF

What's the foster system like in Canada if you can be approved but don't know about the negative impact of kids being exposed to domestic abuse?

It's almost unheard of in the uk for a 20 something single woman to be approved as a foster carer.

Then you're physically safe at least and it looks like he won't touch the children with you there. In that case, start telling him you're no longer having sex and just grey rock his moods. You can't keep being forced into sex. This has to stop. You're a human being and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

I've found children's services in Canada. Can you contact them anonymously and ask for advice on your situation?
https://cwrp.ca/provincial-and-territorial-assistance#:~:text=Prince%20Edward%20Island-,To%20report%20suspected%20child%20maltreatment,%2D800%2D341%2D6868.

Please contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support.

Get rid

He's sexually, emotionally and financially abusing you

What a horrendous way to live. He is completely vile.

Could you go to court and get parental responsibility? Would their mother allow you to officially adopt them? And then apply for custody of the kids? It seems that you are more their parent than he is so don't think just because your a step parent that you will necessarily lose them if you were to split with your partner.