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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has left the family home

76 replies

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 09:52

My husband left the family home 6 months ago, to “sort himself”. He was lazy unmotivated and left me to do everything. As we have a young child he said he needed time to focus on himself to get a better job and improve himself without any distractions, so he can come back and look after us. He moved back to his mums and 6 months later he has lost his job, his hygiene is even worse and he’s in a messy tiny room. I really want to believe he will improve but it looks like he’s drowning himself. I want to believe he can change but I’ve know him from a teenager and he’s always been slow, called lazy and “he’s going through teenage boy phase”. He’s 25 now, I pulled him up on it and he said he is trying and things are not instant, he claims this is not the same to his teenage laziness, but I can not see the difference . I am a hard working women, who has been left to pay for a home , work and look after a young child so he can sort himself. He is extremely upset that I said he’s not working hard enough, I just don’t understand how In 6 months he’s not found a decent job and a routine. I really don’t know what to do as we are married. I feel like he’s making excuses but I don’t want to be dismissive if he’s really trying but struggling.

Am I being unreasonable has anyone got advice ?

ps - He’s separated from me as he said he’s not where he wants to be but when he’s sorted he will come back. I keep asking him how long and he can’t tell me how long this “sorting himself “ will be. This is why I’m stuck between is he genuine or being a coward

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 04/08/2024 09:53

Cut your losses. He won't change.

Catoo · 04/08/2024 09:54

Do you own a home together?

💐

DreadPirateRobots · 04/08/2024 09:55

Divorce him. He is a child, and probably always will be.

He didn't go back to his bedroom at mummy's so he could "sort himself". He went back there so he wouldn't have to do that.

ThisBlueCrab · 04/08/2024 09:56

Get a divorce! He will never change.

He had no respect for you, so have some for yourself and ditch this low life.

RespondingToYou · 04/08/2024 09:57

Make the decision for him. Walk away.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2024 09:57

just divorce the waste of space

hildabaker · 04/08/2024 09:58

You've backed a loser, OP. Don't worry, a lot of us do it, but there's a way to get rid - divorce. You are worth so much more.

Amazonmulu · 04/08/2024 09:59

You need a divorce.

He is a loadstone, an albatross.

Are you financially dependent on him?

Start by changing all bills to your name. Don't tell him you are doing it. Make sure council tax is only in your name and that you get single person discount.

Is the house rented or owned? Is it in your name?

CrunchyCarrot · 04/08/2024 10:02

I can't see how him leaving you to go back to living with his mum is a way for him to sort himself out! It just reinforces his already lazy behaviour. I don't think there's much chance of him pulling his weight if he comes back to you and I don't think it's a good idea to put your eggs in that particular basket.

Straightouttachelmsford · 04/08/2024 10:03

Yep, won't change. Boot him permanently, move on.

I watch my extremely elderly DM "looking after" a man child relative, whilst his "partner" is run ragged looking after his kids. He's now nearly 50...

It's pathetic.

Opentooffers · 04/08/2024 10:12

So what about this behaviour displayed since his teens, made you think marrying and having a child with him would be a good idea?
I suspect you have ' saviour' tendencies, and decided he had potential that could be achieved .By your support and encouragement you would 'fix him'.
More often than not, people can't be fixed by someone else, they have to want to fix themselves, and he doesn't.
He sounds depressed tbf given his hygiene is going down hill. Has he spoken to his GP?

Dery · 04/08/2024 10:12

For me, 25 is quite young to be married with a young child. I can imagine many young women being sufficiently mature for that (you clearly are very mature and responsible) but fewer young men. In any case, unfortunately it sounds like your H is too immature to handle it. Instead of stepping up, he has run home to his mum’s house. Instead of pulling himself together, he’s regressed. I think you’re probably best off cutting him loose; that way you don’t also have to parent him.

MounjaroUser · 04/08/2024 10:14

Why are you asking this lazy lump when he's coming home? I'd be glad he'd gone. I can understand you care for him if you've known him a long time, but he really isn't a good partner. And his poor mother, having him landing on her doorstep when she thought he'd moved out.

ThatsCute · 04/08/2024 10:15

I would set a date—one year from the initial move our date. He has 6 months left to get his life together—hygiene, tidiness, employment, etc. If he can’t get his life together after one year, it’s time to throw this one back.

AutumnFroglets · 04/08/2024 10:16

Divorce him. If he had been serious about sorting himself out he could have done that in the marital home with you. But that would involve him not being lazy or selfish. However going back to mummy where she will soothe his fevered brow whilst whispering there, there will suit a very lazy and selfish child who refuses to grow up. Let mummy keep him, you are doing just fine by yourself.

Original poster

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:17

@Amazonmulu no I’m not financially dependent on him everything is in my name. I am renting but hope to be able to get a mortgage. He’s really made it look like he’s left so he can come and take care of us in the future. As he knows I work hard, some times too much for me to cope but that’s what I got to do to provide for our child.

I told him once I move our lives would be too distant to make our marriage work, as it’s unfair for him to live in my hard work when he abandoned me with financial and family responsibility. He just says I don’t see he’s working hard and think low of him and not everyone can be like me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:20

@Opentooffers it’s not anything about I can fix him. He’s a nice guy and overall we get along really well. Those characteristics didn’t show too much as a problem as we wasn’t living together. It was only when we moved in together and dived in to career world. I could see our drive and ambition was different.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 04/08/2024 10:23

Insist that he gets some help with mental health and takes some out door physical exercise every day.

Organise that he takes the child for an hour or so after his exercise and request that he makes dinner for you all at the marital home every night. It is not fair that he doesn't help.

He needs to skill up on parenting, household chores and his own well being.

Only then will he be capable of getting a new job and deciding how to be a better husband.
It is best, even if you separate, that you require something of him and factor him into the child care.

OhCobblers · 04/08/2024 10:23

Divorce the useless idiot and have the life you want without him. You sound great. Get a mortgage AFTER a divorce so there is no hint of him claiming anything from you.

Original poster

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:24

He’s not been to the GP that’s why I worry maybe he’s depressed, but it could also just be hes overall lazy. He says the right stuff, he’s never been in the environment to show what type of man he is as we have always been in safety nets. But now’s the time and he’s not doing what he’s supposed to.

OP posts:

PashaMinaMio · 04/08/2024 10:24

You’ve got an uphill battle which you ain’t gonna win on your hands.

Cut your losses. Get out of your enmeshment with him now. Let his Mummy sort him out. Drop the baton, throw off the millstone, cut the cord and set yourself freeeeee.

Conniebygaslight · 04/08/2024 10:26

It sounds like the pressure of being a husband and father quite young has overwhelmed him and he’s struggling to cope. I don’t think it will get better for you OP. He’s not going to be very reliable in the future is he…..will he go home to mummy when he can’t cope with a teenage child too?

Amazonmulu · 04/08/2024 10:26

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:17

It's great you don't have many / any financial ties.

There is only one direction this is heading in - he has left the partnership and now you just need to let him go. I think you know this.

How often does he visit? How far away is he staying? Have you spoken to his mum? What does she say?

You need to document via emails how much he is seeing DC in case he tries to get custody. Write to him eg "... You haven't seen DC since <date> when do you plan to see DC next?.."

Then change council tax to just your name and change the locks on the doors.

In all honesty he may just be relieved he can stop pretending and he can start playing the martyr (my partner left me and took DC and now I have to live with my mother - woe is me).

rwalker · 04/08/2024 10:26

None of this behaviour is new this is who he always has and always will be

I think your unrealistic and unreasonable to expect him to change

ether make peace with it and come to terms with the fact he’s always going to be a passenger or move on

NessasBoots · 04/08/2024 10:26

Everyone is telling you the same thing, op. Get a divorce. He is dragging you down.

If by some miracle, he does sort himself out, you can decide then whether to take him back, but at least you'll be divorced and he won't be able to take half your assets.

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