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Original poster

My husband has left the family home

76 replies

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 09:52

My husband left the family home 6 months ago, to “sort himself”. He was lazy unmotivated and left me to do everything. As we have a young child he said he needed time to focus on himself to get a better job and improve himself without any distractions, so he can come back and look after us. He moved back to his mums and 6 months later he has lost his job, his hygiene is even worse and he’s in a messy tiny room. I really want to believe he will improve but it looks like he’s drowning himself. I want to believe he can change but I’ve know him from a teenager and he’s always been slow, called lazy and “he’s going through teenage boy phase”. He’s 25 now, I pulled him up on it and he said he is trying and things are not instant, he claims this is not the same to his teenage laziness, but I can not see the difference . I am a hard working women, who has been left to pay for a home , work and look after a young child so he can sort himself. He is extremely upset that I said he’s not working hard enough, I just don’t understand how In 6 months he’s not found a decent job and a routine. I really don’t know what to do as we are married. I feel like he’s making excuses but I don’t want to be dismissive if he’s really trying but struggling.

Am I being unreasonable has anyone got advice ?

ps - He’s separated from me as he said he’s not where he wants to be but when he’s sorted he will come back. I keep asking him how long and he can’t tell me how long this “sorting himself “ will be. This is why I’m stuck between is he genuine or being a coward

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/08/2024 11:06

OK then, you've done all you can, looks like his mother is glad to have her little boy back and might be actively encouraging it.
Regardless of the reason for his behaviour, divorce is still the way to go asap as the shorter the marriage the less assets you need to share with him. It's good you don't own a house together.
Divorce needs to happen before you get a mortgage.

Allforareason · 04/08/2024 11:11

OhCobblers · 04/08/2024 10:23

Divorce the useless idiot and have the life you want without him. You sound great. Get a mortgage AFTER a divorce so there is no hint of him claiming anything from you.

Was going to say this.

This is who he is. It’s not a phase, it’s his personality.

Would you even WANT him to come back to the family home. You sound fine on your own even if it’s tough. I think even if he came back you’ll always resent him for leaving you with all the responsibilities of, well, life! And you’d never trust him to not disappear again at any point when life gets too real for him.

Getonwitit · 04/08/2024 11:12

He has already started draining the life and soul out of you. Don't et this be your future, you and the children deserve better.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 11:15

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:54

@Opentooffers i told him to go to dr, I told his mum to make sure he does his mum is not helping. I have made e consultant for him and he said they never contacted him.

Stop facilitating him!

His actual mother isn't helping - you don't need to take over.

A clean break is when neither of you has a claim on the other - so he can't come after your pension for example.

Please see a solicitor and get divorced before you buy a house or get promoted. He needs to be gone (and get a CMS claim in anyway)
Depression isn't an excuse for what he's done

BurnerName1 · 04/08/2024 11:18

He may be depressed or neurodivergent but regardless I would divorce him. Then buy your home.

TeaMistress · 04/08/2024 11:18

He's deadweight OP. You've got yourself and your little one to look after. You sound like you've got a bright future and you've got to put your wellbeing first. It's good that you have minimal financial ties with this poor excuse for a man. If he refuses to pick himself up and get therapy / medication for his poor mental health and doesn't look after himself then he's not the kind of man you want to stay married to. There's no future in this relationship. It's time to file for divorce and get a clean break agreement so he can't make any claim on your assets in the future. You can then move on with your life and buy a house.

TeaGinandFags · 04/08/2024 11:24

If marriage and fatherhood isn't the right environment to show your true mettle, then nothing is. Currently, he's being a dog in a manger.

He's a man baby and moving out was the best thing he could have done. Divorce and complete the process.

WizardOfAus · 04/08/2024 11:25

Oh, OP. I understand completely.

When I was in my 20s I had a boyfriend I absolutely adored. I loved him more than anything.

The problem was, he was a lazy git. His parents weren't great role models. So he was always in between crap jobs. Always broke. Smoked weed. Didn’t play sport or look after himself.

I desperately wanted him to sort himself out so we could get married and start a family together. I job hunted for him, sent him links to jobs... I even filled out application forms for him!

In the end, my brilliant mum sat me down and said, "If you have to work THIS hard to get someone to contribute to a healthy, happy, equal relationship... it's not going to work. He won't change. YOU need to change"

She was, as always, right.

So I changed myself. I invested all that time and energy improving myself instead.

I applied for a higher-paying promotion, moved out of my home town. Of course, the lazy boyfriend couldn’t be arsed to follow me. He stayed.

I then travelled and worked around the world, built my career, made many friends and met my now amazing husband.

The ex-boyfriend has only JUST moved out of his parents home, as a 37 year old man.

I caught up with him the last time I was home... and I couldn't understand WHY I was ever besotted with him. He actually disgusted me!

You know what you need to do, OP. Change your own behaviour. Invest all your energy into yourself and your child. Divorce this loser and you will THRIVE.

BeeCucumber · 04/08/2024 11:31

He’s moved out - which is the best thing he could have done. Let his Mum look after the man-child, sort your divorce out and move on.

OhCobblers · 04/08/2024 11:39

WizardOfAus · 04/08/2024 11:25

Oh, OP. I understand completely.

When I was in my 20s I had a boyfriend I absolutely adored. I loved him more than anything.

The problem was, he was a lazy git. His parents weren't great role models. So he was always in between crap jobs. Always broke. Smoked weed. Didn’t play sport or look after himself.

I desperately wanted him to sort himself out so we could get married and start a family together. I job hunted for him, sent him links to jobs... I even filled out application forms for him!

In the end, my brilliant mum sat me down and said, "If you have to work THIS hard to get someone to contribute to a healthy, happy, equal relationship... it's not going to work. He won't change. YOU need to change"

She was, as always, right.

So I changed myself. I invested all that time and energy improving myself instead.

I applied for a higher-paying promotion, moved out of my home town. Of course, the lazy boyfriend couldn’t be arsed to follow me. He stayed.

I then travelled and worked around the world, built my career, made many friends and met my now amazing husband.

The ex-boyfriend has only JUST moved out of his parents home, as a 37 year old man.

I caught up with him the last time I was home... and I couldn't understand WHY I was ever besotted with him. He actually disgusted me!

You know what you need to do, OP. Change your own behaviour. Invest all your energy into yourself and your child. Divorce this loser and you will THRIVE.

Edited

Brilliant you! I was really chuffed for you reading this - wish more women would follow this example!

magicmushrooms · 04/08/2024 11:51

Nothing has changed in 6 months and his mother is not able to get him to sort himself out. You are making all the effort in the marriage and he is wallowing in self pity.

Cut your losses, divorce (does not mean he is a bad person, just not ready for an adult relationship) and move on with your lives. And do not get a mortgage before you divorce.

p.s. I really don’t know what to do as we are married.
been married does not mean you are responsible for how he conducts his life - he either steps up now or you move on.

WizardOfAus · 04/08/2024 11:52

OhCobblers · 04/08/2024 11:39

Brilliant you! I was really chuffed for you reading this - wish more women would follow this example!

Show quote history

Thank you. It was thanks to my dear, wise mum. She was a great guide in my life. Gave me enough space to make mistakes, but helped me get back on track when I most needed it.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 04/08/2024 11:54

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:50

@Nanny0gg he doesn’t pay for our child. He he has her I will give him money as he hasn’t got enough. I probably shouldn’t but I don’t want to kick someone when they are down

You really need to cut your losses, here.

He isn't going to step up because he's not willing to get help. He will drag you down with him if you let him. You and your child deserve better.

Strawberriesandpimms · 04/08/2024 11:59

He's not ready to be an adult, be married, or be a father. You know this. Cut your losses and move on with your life.

longtompot · 04/08/2024 12:13

He’s separated from me as he said he’s not where he wants to be but when he’s sorted he will come back

I wouldn't let him be the one to decide this. You need to decide what you want from your life and put that into action. It sounds like he would only be coming back to the family home when his parents have had enough and kick him out.

pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2024 12:19

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:24

He’s not been to the GP that’s why I worry maybe he’s depressed, but it could also just be hes overall lazy. He says the right stuff, he’s never been in the environment to show what type of man he is as we have always been in safety nets. But now’s the time and he’s not doing what he’s supposed to.

This IS the type of man he is. He won’t change. He literally fled the scene of the crime (your relationship) to get sway from responsibility. He said whatever he needed to in order to get away. “I will get myself sorted and come back to take care of you” was a lie. A literal lie. He will never get sorted and he won’t come back because living as the kind of man you want is exhausting to him. He doesn’t want to do it. So he won’t.

LouOver · 04/08/2024 12:25

Have you got savings and a pension OP? Because he can come after this. You need to get a financial separation legally and ASAP before you continue being successful and building up your money.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 04/08/2024 12:29

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:50

@Nanny0gg he doesn’t pay for our child. He he has her I will give him money as he hasn’t got enough. I probably shouldn’t but I don’t want to kick someone when they are down

He’s not down. He’s a lazy good-for-nothing twat.

He went back to mummy because she’ll do everything for him and won’t make him do anything like he’d have to at home. Like look after his child and house and job.

He’s a total joke who won’t change.

Get rid of him. You can do much, much better.

And stop taking money from your child to give to him so he can sit in his stinking teenage bedroom not washing.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/08/2024 12:45

@Coralocean Cleanbreak is when you divorce and it stops the other party claiming a share of the assets you’ve made since the divorce such as house, savings etc 20 years later.

It happened to the man who founded Ecotricity. I think his ex got money after years apart. Really it ought to be part of the divorce.

TheKingCobraIsNotStrictlySpeakingACobra · 04/08/2024 12:56

My guess is that he’s trying to get you to do the hard work in this instance too, by separating with him. He’s trying to make you dump him..

Lexicography · 04/08/2024 13:01

So the brain is still developing until you are 30-40 so potentially yes he does have time to turn his life around but if you don't intrinsically understand that you have to work for what you want in life...I'm not sure that it can be taught...the only other way is to have a consistent structure.

missmousemouth · 04/08/2024 13:10

Oh god. Not read the full thread, but I fear if you don't divorce him he's going to destroy you financially.

MrsCarson · 04/08/2024 13:47

You can't fix him, you aren't his personal support person, you have a child to look after. Cut your loses and file for divorce, if you get on well, he will step up and co parent, but if he moves back in he will become the lazy arse again.

Normallynumb · 04/08/2024 14:30

He's tried " adulting" but found it's too much effort so has reverted to lazy teenager mode.
Hard I know, but don't keep coming to his rescue by making gp appointments, giving him money etc. You are not his parent.
You're doing great, and you'll do even better without him
Start the divorce now then buy a property afterwards.
Remember as you are married, he will be granted his share
That includes joint finances and possessions.
Communicate in basic terms only about your DC.

AutumnFroglets · 04/08/2024 15:11

He's tried " adulting" but found it's too much effort so has reverted to lazy teenager mode.

This OP. This is all it's about. You don't need someone like this in your life as they will drag you down into the gutter with them and you'll still get the blame.

Divorce him. Get a clean (financial) break. Claim cms. Get mortgage and house. Live your life.