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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left the family home

76 replies

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 09:52

My husband left the family home 6 months ago, to “sort himself”. He was lazy unmotivated and left me to do everything. As we have a young child he said he needed time to focus on himself to get a better job and improve himself without any distractions, so he can come back and look after us. He moved back to his mums and 6 months later he has lost his job, his hygiene is even worse and he’s in a messy tiny room. I really want to believe he will improve but it looks like he’s drowning himself. I want to believe he can change but I’ve know him from a teenager and he’s always been slow, called lazy and “he’s going through teenage boy phase”. He’s 25 now, I pulled him up on it and he said he is trying and things are not instant, he claims this is not the same to his teenage laziness, but I can not see the difference . I am a hard working women, who has been left to pay for a home , work and look after a young child so he can sort himself. He is extremely upset that I said he’s not working hard enough, I just don’t understand how In 6 months he’s not found a decent job and a routine. I really don’t know what to do as we are married. I feel like he’s making excuses but I don’t want to be dismissive if he’s really trying but struggling.

Am I being unreasonable has anyone got advice ?

ps - He’s separated from me as he said he’s not where he wants to be but when he’s sorted he will come back. I keep asking him how long and he can’t tell me how long this “sorting himself “ will be. This is why I’m stuck between is he genuine or being a coward

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 04/08/2024 10:29

Cut your losses and get a divorce. He will not get better.

Is he currently caring for your child at all?

RandomMess · 04/08/2024 10:32

You need to divorce otherwise he will be entitled to a share of hour savings/home you purchase.

needsomewarmsunshine · 04/08/2024 10:32

Gone off to find himself and being a lazy slob ? Let me see... you have managed without him, do you really want this over grown teen back? He comes across as being dead wood, you have one life and your dc should be your priority, not dh and his whims and bo. You are not responsible for his welfare, he was the one who walked out not you. If the shoe had been on the other foot and you left,he would have had to get on with it.

Catoo · 04/08/2024 10:34

Divorce him OP. Protect yourself financially.

In 6 months he’s gone backwards.

Once divorced buy you home and put in a claim for maintenance.

You can coparent and remain friends or even date him again if he starts sorting himself out.

whichwayisup · 04/08/2024 10:35

Why on earth would you want this guy back in your house. Maybe a miracle will happen and he'll sort himself out but as there's been no evidence up until now it's time you face up to the fact... It's time to cut yourself loose from this kidult.

What a ridiculous man... Moving back to his mum's to laze about with even less responsibility but you've believed the bullshit that he's doing it to sort himself out?? Sometimes you think you've heard it all on these boards and then you read a post like this.

Come on, why oh why do women put up with this shit from these pathetic men.

Carry on being amazing and find yourself an amazing partner in life, or stay amazingly single... Anything is better than this.

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/08/2024 10:37

I really want to believe

Wanting to believe something will not make it happen.

DreadPirateRobots · 04/08/2024 10:37

he’s never been in the environment to show what type of man he is

He's showing you what type of man he is right now. Everything else is empty words. An ounce of actually pulling his weight in the present is worth a hundred pounds of promises to "look after you" in some distant theoretical future that will never arrive.

Original poster
Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:39

Thanks for advice everyone I defo know what needs to be done. He still sees our child and I’m going through a lot of emotions. As he says he wants to give us the world and how he wants to be successful. But he never takes steps to get there. I completely accept I looked over his laziness and it’s my fault for proceeding. I feel conflicted I blame myself for expecting greatness but then he wanted a child and then ran away.

it hurts to have to move on especially when he’s not a nasty person or treats us bad. He just isn’t able to pull his weight

OP posts:
Hummingbird75 · 04/08/2024 10:40

It is all too much like hard work this family life, so he has trotted off back to Mummy's for some TLC under the guise of sorting himself out.

I am afraid you are lumbered with a featherweight man, that can not do adult life. I would be getting shot of him asap before you buy a house and start planning to divorce him. He is a deadweight and will drag you down op.

Get as much support as you can in place for the care of your child and divorce him asap. You are so young, you can find a better life in the future that does not involve you parenting an adult man.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2024 10:42

Just get rid of him. He will drag you down ultimately. I was a single mum at 21 and bought me and DS a house. I worked very hard.
DS has just bought his own house and is very successful.
DS,s dad is a deadbeat deadloss living in a bedsit still unemployed and he s 70 now.
DS sees him sometimes but has zero respect for him.
Do your child proud and be someone they can admire and rely on.

2sisters · 04/08/2024 10:44

Divorce him. Don't work your arse off in order for him to take half of your assets. You are working and looking after his child while he lives in filth, does nothing and stays with his mummy. He isn't bettering himself. His actions speak louder than his words.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 04/08/2024 10:45

Just let him go.

It will feel like a relief.

It sounds like you are still young enough to start a whole new life over if you want to.

Life is too short to spend your best years flogging a dead horse.

2sisters · 04/08/2024 10:46

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:39

Thanks for advice everyone I defo know what needs to be done. He still sees our child and I’m going through a lot of emotions. As he says he wants to give us the world and how he wants to be successful. But he never takes steps to get there. I completely accept I looked over his laziness and it’s my fault for proceeding. I feel conflicted I blame myself for expecting greatness but then he wanted a child and then ran away.

it hurts to have to move on especially when he’s not a nasty person or treats us bad. He just isn’t able to pull his weight

I feel conflicted I blame myself for expecting greatness but then he wanted a child and then ran away.

Expecting a partner to be present, to parent and work isn't unreasonable. It's pretty basic.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 10:47

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:17

@Amazonmulu no I’m not financially dependent on him everything is in my name. I am renting but hope to be able to get a mortgage. He’s really made it look like he’s left so he can come and take care of us in the future. As he knows I work hard, some times too much for me to cope but that’s what I got to do to provide for our child.

I told him once I move our lives would be too distant to make our marriage work, as it’s unfair for him to live in my hard work when he abandoned me with financial and family responsibility. He just says I don’t see he’s working hard and think low of him and not everyone can be like me.

I presume he now can't give you any money for the DC?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/08/2024 10:47

I’d get a divorce with a clean break order so he can’t come back in 20 years and claim money off you.

Sounds alike your going to do well in life and you don’t want him coming back.

You tried, it didn’t work out there’s no shame in it.

Original poster
Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:50

@Nanny0gg he doesn’t pay for our child. He he has her I will give him money as he hasn’t got enough. I probably shouldn’t but I don’t want to kick someone when they are down

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/08/2024 10:51

So in 6 months and however long he has been like this prior, he has never been to his GP? The one and only thing he needs to do, and he's not, so how is that him trying? You should tell him he needs to see a Dr, if it's not occurred to you or him.

It also sounds like he has difficulty holding down a job, he could be having a crisis because of his failings which has lead to his depression and giving up.If he's always had difficulty coping in life, perhaps he has some undiagnosed ND? Imagine being told by others for years that you're lazy, when all the while you have been struggling and not knowing there's a reason you are different? Others say you're just lazy, so it must be true. Meanwhile getting more depressed about the way you are as you know it's not good enough and the hate of how you fail turns in on itself.
All this time there could be reasons why he is how he is, that have been ignored.

Original poster
Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:51

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy is a clean break when both parties agree to separate or would this need legal assistance ?

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 04/08/2024 10:53

Opentooffers · 04/08/2024 10:51

So in 6 months and however long he has been like this prior, he has never been to his GP? The one and only thing he needs to do, and he's not, so how is that him trying? You should tell him he needs to see a Dr, if it's not occurred to you or him.

It also sounds like he has difficulty holding down a job, he could be having a crisis because of his failings which has lead to his depression and giving up.If he's always had difficulty coping in life, perhaps he has some undiagnosed ND? Imagine being told by others for years that you're lazy, when all the while you have been struggling and not knowing there's a reason you are different? Others say you're just lazy, so it must be true. Meanwhile getting more depressed about the way you are as you know it's not good enough and the hate of how you fail turns in on itself.
All this time there could be reasons why he is how he is, that have been ignored.

He already has a mum to support him if his issue is actually undiagnosed ND. Why should OP sign up for the job when she has a child of her own that she's doing everything for?

Original poster
Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:54

@Opentooffers i told him to go to dr, I told his mum to make sure he does his mum is not helping. I have made e consultant for him and he said they never contacted him.

OP posts:
2sisters · 04/08/2024 10:57

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:50

@Nanny0gg he doesn’t pay for our child. He he has her I will give him money as he hasn’t got enough. I probably shouldn’t but I don’t want to kick someone when they are down

He can claim benefits. He lives with his mum. He isn't providing anything for you and his child. I certainly wouldn't be giving him money. Stop enabling him.

2sisters · 04/08/2024 10:57

Coralocean · 04/08/2024 10:51

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy is a clean break when both parties agree to separate or would this need legal assistance ?

No a clean break means he can make a future claim on your assets once your divorced.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 04/08/2024 10:58

OP, you’ve been carrying this dead weight as well as your DC and your job. You are young and strong now, but he will soon drag you down if you let him come back. Believe me, it gets harder as you get older.

You’re kind-hearted, so you’d have difficulty making the break if he’s back living with you. So use this time apart to start divorce proceedings and free yourself and DC.

Jennalong · 04/08/2024 11:04

Sorry to ask , but are you still sleeping together ?
I ask because he sounds like he is after an easy life. No job, gone back to mum, takes your money if having his own child etc.
I wonder if he's saying will come back , sort himself out, get a job just to keep you on side - aka - continue to sleep with him.
If you are - stop and see what happens next .

Wooloryarn · 04/08/2024 11:05

He needs extra support, possibly ADHD but he needs to be in a place where he is active in getting that support. I think you need to give him an ultimatum to seek this out with a deadline to push him into acting.