What’s dating in your 40’s really like?

[cocopopone]

I’m planning on ending my long term relationship. I’m almost 40 with a 9 & 5 year old. Been unhappy and living in a loveless, housemate relationship for 11 years with cheating involved on his part only stayed for the kids but I want more from my life now. Just wondering what the dating scene is really like in your 40’s? Any there any good men left? The thought of meeting someone new who also has kids and having to do the whole blended family thing etc is petrifying. I don’t think I would even want to live with a man again let alone bring a new man into my children’s safe space. But I’ve been so emotionally starved for so long I still have this romantic idea of meeting “the one” or at least my one one day.

I'm 39. Been single 10 years. Dated on and off for 7.

I've stopped bothering.

@No33 I hear this often! I think the standard of men has massively deteriorated not that it was ever great even when I was dating.

Well you've dated in the past, so you have experience. There is a not-insignificant number of people in their late 30s and early 40s who have never had a relationship and are still finding their feet.

Same...11 years. I love being single. I didn't plan on it but I will be single forever!

Yep, I am the happiest I have ever been.

I travel a lot, wherever I want. I spend all my free time doing what I love! I have studied, got a degree and now studying for my master's! All while being a single mum to 3 kids.

Oh, and I have cats!

I am annoyed my fwb moved countries though 🤣 he was very helpful!

@ReframeFeelings @No33 This is all well and good, but people should have a choice as to whether or not they have a relationship, and it appears that OP would like to have another relationship.

Many people don't even have the choice and are forced to be single because of health problems or life circumstances.

I split up from my long-term partner when I was 40. I then spent my entire 40s doing online dating going out on loads of dates spending thousands of hours chatting with various different men on line, on the phone, on email.

I look back now and think what a massive waste of time it all was and how I could have spent that time learning something or developing my career because at the end of the day it was just one long list of disappointments.

It got to the point where I almost hated men, I mean all men, because of the horrible way that I was treated and the horrible men I came into contact with on online dating.

in the end I realized that I'm in enough on my own, that I can cope on my own, that I'm perfectly okay on my own.

@Tarquina It got to the point where I almost hated men, I mean all men, because of the horrible way that I was treated and the horrible men I came into contact with on online dating.

When you sent the initial message to all of these men, what aspect(s) of their profile did you find compelling? What prompted you to send that first message and initiate the discussion?

Divorced at 46, been in a relationship since 48 for two years. Found him on tinder. It's different this time around as the goal posts have shifted, not looking for more kids, marriage or even living together

... And very, VERY good luck to her.

Dating in your 40s? It's awful. Truly shit.
End it if you are unhappy and your kids are unhappy. Especially if he's a cheat.
Put your kids and yourself first
Enjoy living in your own space with your children. Prioritize yourself and value you urself by all means.
But. Don't do it because you're romanticizing a new relationship with a good man who is going to pop up on OLD or elsewhere. The respectful, well turned out, nice men are in relationships or married. Sorry

I’m 46 and as everyone else says it’s really shit. I hate talking about dating to my friends who have partners, I’m sure they think I’m not trying hard enough but have no idea what it’s actually like.
I have though just recently started seeing someone over the last couple of months, there is a lot of good sex but it’s fitted in around children, work and other commitments. The only thing that makes it feel safe for me is that we are both on the same page about not wanting to blend families or live with anyone again. That and he’s the only man over 40 I’ve slept with who hasn’t complained about using a condom. For all the reasons above our relationship is really private and I don’t talk about it to anyone.

I have however taken time over the last 10yrs to develop my career, focus on my kids and my home. If I was going to give you advice I would say to concentrate on those things.

All of this is so true.

Split from exhusband aged 46 and I very nearly didn’t even try online dating because of all the negativity I read about it.

It turned out to be completely fine, met my lovely dp and am still with him 2 and a half years later.

I think the trick is to be happy with yourself and use OLD as a way of meeting interesting people for dates rather than pinning all your hopes on finding true love.

Agree with this hundred percent.... Don't take OLD seriously, it's not a life or death situation, it's a "if Iet someone great, if not, then I have a funny story to tell" situation

Dating in your 40’s is pretty grim.

There seems to be a lot of 40s, early 50s women who are looking for things they are not themselves. For example a lot of bigger women are seemingly upset because a lot of men dont “work out” and they seem really attracted to unstable men who they set about trying to “change” for whatever reason.

I’ll tell you now - that 6ft 7 property developer with a six bed house in the country that drives a Bentley does not hang around at your local Wetherspoons.

I'd say it's pretty grim.

A lot of married men, fake profiles, those looking for short-term/casual sex, those looking for a distraction/penpal/ego boost.

But you can't stay with an unsuitable man just avoid the horror of it.

I’ve had more positive experiences so I’d say give it a go. I’m mid 40’s, divorced 4 years ago and have spent the last two years in a relationship with someone lovely. Prior to that I went on a lot of dates, some of the men were lovely, some weren’t but I had no awful experiences. Maybe I’ve been lucky, but my advice is to be picky, don’t ignore red flags and give it a go. There are still decent men out there.

Men haven't deteriorated. Women have matured and raised their standards, as lots of men just stayed the same.

Met my partner through a friend, he wasn’t ready for any sort of relationship so didn’t see him for a couple of months, then I contacted him and we spent a whole day talking, it just felt right and neither of us were looking for a longtime relationship.
We lived apart for 3 years then moved in together and are still together nearly 30years later. I call him my mature love.

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo Can you give an example of how women have matured?

Thank you for the honest replies! I’m certainly not leaving just to meet someone new but I would be lying to myself if I said it wasn’t something I desire. I haven't had intimacy in years both sexual & emotional. I miss it.

Dating before I met him wasn’t much different tbh plenty of terrible dates but still some decent men in-between even if they wasn’t for me. I read that the average age for men to divorce is 45 I was hoping I would catch the 2nd wave of dating 😂

@Ilovechees3 That’s beautiful. I’m happy you found that type of love

@cocopopone I read that the average age for men to divorce is 45 I was hoping I would catch the 2nd wave of dating 😂

Forget about a "2nd wave." The % of men who have never married by age 45 is a lot higher than you think.

There are men aged 45 after divorce. But in two categories.

1. Divorced by their ex for good reasons, and deserve a wide berth.
2. Respectful, sorted smart guys who can and will date women 10 years younger than themselves. The way I see it, you get 3 options as a woman in your 40s. A) Date the first group above. B) Date geriatrics who seem to want women in their 40s C) Stay single, focus on you and your kids. I've chosen the last one