What’s dating in your 40’s really like?

[cocopopone]

I’m planning on ending my long term relationship. I’m almost 40 with a 9 & 5 year old. Been unhappy and living in a loveless, housemate relationship for 11 years with cheating involved on his part only stayed for the kids but I want more from my life now. Just wondering what the dating scene is really like in your 40’s? Any there any good men left? The thought of meeting someone new who also has kids and having to do the whole blended family thing etc is petrifying. I don’t think I would even want to live with a man again let alone bring a new man into my children’s safe space. But I’ve been so emotionally starved for so long I still have this romantic idea of meeting “the one” or at least my one one day.

@Lookingforunicorns Who cares about intelligence and financial clout? Would happily trade that in if it meant my living standards were raised.

I did have to go through alot of guys sending me dick pics and one guy after two days of chatting wanting to come over with a bottle if wine and have sex with me on my kitchen table 🤣 so had to block quite a few unhinged guys! But I did make two friends out of the young guys I dated which was nice after things ran their natural course. I just think sometimes you need to be in the right place a at the right time. But I suppose you need to get on with leaving your DH as you seem unhappy for a long time .. good luck I hope you find happiness x

You’re a man aren’t you @Thatsthebottomline ? I know because I’ve never met any women in their 40s who actually want any of these things at all.

They generally want a man of a similar age to themselves , who is a functioning adult , clean, solvent, employed , emotionally intelligent, kind and willing to make half the effort in a relationship .

And that @cocopopone is a perfect example of why dating in your 40s is shit.

It’s full of lonely , bitter, selfish weirdos who want to meet a size 10 woman 20 years younger than themselves to do their housework and act out their porn fantasies. But in fact they despise women and think that all we care about is money.

@S00LA I don't think the majority of men are obsessed with younger women at all, and the majority of men wouldn't even be able to date a woman 10 years younger even if they wanted to.

Every woman who’s ever done OLD will til you that they get bombarded by men 10/20+ years older.

Even in my 50’s I get messages from men in their 70’s who look older than my dad telling me we’d be a good match!

@SamW98 Every woman who’s ever done OLD will til you that they get bombarded by men 10/20+ years older.

I'm sure they also get bombarded by men the same age and younger! Any woman who makes an OLD profile will receive plenty of interest from men.

But the key thing is, how many of those women actually write back to men 10/20+ years older?

💯- I don’t know any single women who are unrealistic about what they’re looking for.
Just a decent man with a job, a roof over his head, who isn’t a lying cheat looking for sex on the first date. Someone who can communicate in words of more than one syllable, isn’t a piss head or a druggy and has a life of his own away from being in a relationship. However they seem rarer than rainbow unicorns at 40+. At 50+ they’re a myth

Isn't this the problem though really men and women basically just throwing rocks.

You're the problem, no you're the problem...and so on.

Does make you wonder where the average MNer goes dating /looks to date...

@shuggles - Just to give you some recent hard facts about what it means to be a mid 40s woman on OLD. Since OLD is very looks focused, I should mention I am an athletic size 8-10, 5’10” so perhaps my height is less attractive to those single men on OLD.

I decided to venture back on Hinge a few weeks ago. Age range -8/+10, radius close to 30 km (London). I can count the likes received by anyone in their 30s on one hand, I have had a couple of likes and matches around my age/early forties and the rest is all men 5-10 year older, with the overwhelming majority of those in the 50-55 age range. I have had 15 matches but the conversations pretty much died quickly, only one conversation and only potentially meeting someone who is 5 years older. Does this count as plenty of interest from men? I will leave it to you to decide.

@SamW98 Just a decent man with a job, a roof over his head, who isn’t a lying cheat looking for sex on the first date. Someone who can communicate in words of more than one syllable, isn’t a piss head or a druggy and has a life of his own away from being in a relationship.

Is that seriously all you are looking for? Because that's nothing special; the overwhelming majority of men fit that description with ease. I fit that description too and women have never gone near me (because as I said, it's nothing special or significant).

@occhiazzurri I decided to venture back on Hinge a few weeks ago. Age range -8/+10, radius close to 30 km (London). I can count the likes received by anyone in their 30s on one hand, I have had a couple of likes and matches around my age/early forties and the rest is all men 5-10 year older, with the overwhelming majority of those in the 50-55 age range. I have had 15 matches but the conversations pretty much died quickly, only one conversation and only potentially meeting someone who is 5 years older. Does this count as plenty of interest from men? I will leave it to you to decide.

You got 15 matches in what time period? And how many men did you swipe right on?

The context is key- if it's 15 matches in a month when being choosey about swiping, then that's a lot of matches. If it's 15 matches over 6 months when swiping right on every profile, then I will take your point.

From having used OLD in the past, 15 matches is about what I would expect if I swiped right on every single profile, over about 6 months.

Have you met women off online dating sites. @shuggles ? Just curious to know what a bloke’s experience is. have they been your age? What happened if you did?

I just can’t face the whole online dating shizzle because all the women I know who have been on there have only had older blokes 55+ as prospects. Am much more in favour of giig out and meeting people normally like through friends of friends or hobbies.

Oh god, I’m sorry about the typos. I’ve taken my contacts out 😂

@Helpmymumplease No, never met any, so can't share any experience in that regard sorry.

Clearly in the minority, but my experience of dating in my 40s was great! I came out of a pretty long marriage and we had been together since we were very young so I hadn't dated as much as most people my age. I had a couple of random dalliances with guys I met IRL, then tried out Bumble. I was only on there for a couple of months. Had lots of flirty chats (admittedly a lot of this was quite sexual in focus and plenty of women might not have been enthralled with that but like I said, I had some ground to make up and I found it quite fun...) and ended up meeting up with five guys in person. All pretty nice and decent, had some fun including one or two brief flings - one rather uncomfortable experience, but I chalked it up to experience and it was partly my fault.

Anyway I very quickly really clicked with the fifth guy. He's a couple of years older than me (46), never married but a few long relationships, no kids. We've been together over a year, very happy together, and he's building a really nice relationship with my daughter too. Planning for the long term and I've never felt more confident that someone loves and cares for me. We often say we feel like we're perfect for each other and were very lucky to meet - but it can and did happen. Good luck if you take the plunge! It was the best thing I ever did.

Sam, is it really that bad?

I'm a bloke in that age range, single, solvent all your above I'd have thought easy criteria, not a Brad Pitt, but not a fatso or the Elephant Man either, I'd have thought there were tons of us? My female friends found some.

The thought of OLD I wouldn't say terrifies me, but the whole dating as a commodity, like picking someone from a brochure, I just find so odd.

I think for men & women there must be those who if single in later 40s or 50 that just look back & think I haven't actually been single for 20 or 30 or more years & I want to do that for a while.

I'm in that boat, not dated or OLD etc, quite content currently, it's perhaps not forever, although exactly as lots of the women above have mentioned, I can't really envisage living with someone again so I don't think that's just a female view.

@CallmePaul

The thought of OLD I wouldn't say terrifies me, but the whole dating as a commodity, like picking someone from a brochure, I just find so odd.

the above resonates with me. I am not an object to to pick off the shelf. I would rather be left on the shelf.

I do find it harder to meet any potential partner organically nowadays, especially as I am getting older and can't be bothered with knowing a person from scratch and accommodate another being in my life.

It's hard when we're talking generalisations but I think a lot of men end up back with parents or in some less that ideal housing situation directly as a result of their separation/divorce.

Even if earning above average salary it can be hard to adequately rehouse.

The car is less explainable.

Not sure what is meant by great job.

I dated after my divorce. Used OLD and met a few that didn’t work out. Been with the current one 18 months + and he is lovely. He has no kids, he moved in recently. We are both very happy! So much happier than I was 10 years ago 🥰

Just in case anyone isn't aware the shuggles poster is a man. He trawls the boards looking for women to engage with him and gets a kick out of goading them. Avoid!

Yeah I'd figured that, but good to have my thoughts confirmed @Superlambaanana
It's the same with @Thatsthebottomline

I’m 40s and old school and still prefer to meet people through interest groups etc. lt is still possible.

The key issue to remember that often gets overlooked, maybe many don’t like to say it(?), is that it is still possible to get pregnant in your 40s. Many woman who happily rekindle their sex lives after a long drought often risk this one.

Let's just say I have today googled "who is the actor who plays Ed Gein the Netflix Murderer?" because from the first 5 minutes he looks just like my most recent ex.

Dire. If they have their own hair and teeth they'll be addicted to porn, have emotional issues where they can't or won't discuss anything important and usually palm off any kids to anyone who will take them so they don't have to actually think about anyone else ever.

In my experience.

You’re a man aren’t you @Thatsthebottomline ? I know because I’ve never met any women in their 40s who actually want any of these things at all.

They generally want a man of a similar age to themselves , who is a functioning adult , clean, solvent, employed , emotionally intelligent, kind and willing to make half the effort in a relationship .

They may want that, but they dont actually look for it. What seems to attract women is:

A simmering voilent streak, not immediately visible but potential
At 40 plus, a bald headed with a baseball cap.
At least 6ft but the taller the better.
An "im alright jack" attitude
A lack of any kind of intelligence
A list of past girlfriends and issues but with a silver tongue and a promise to "change".

I have a woman (and i work only women ) at work who has offered to quite "beef up my OLD profile because there's not enough anger in it'. I suppose 73% of men in prison are fathers for a reason.

Im going to love Rugby and watching Breaking Bad, apparently, but I cant lie so thats not going to happen