What’s dating in your 40’s really like?

[cocopopone]

I’m planning on ending my long term relationship. I’m almost 40 with a 9 & 5 year old. Been unhappy and living in a loveless, housemate relationship for 11 years with cheating involved on his part only stayed for the kids but I want more from my life now. Just wondering what the dating scene is really like in your 40’s? Any there any good men left? The thought of meeting someone new who also has kids and having to do the whole blended family thing etc is petrifying. I don’t think I would even want to live with a man again let alone bring a new man into my children’s safe space. But I’ve been so emotionally starved for so long I still have this romantic idea of meeting “the one” or at least my one one day.

I’m still single after 6 years, admittedly I’d given up! but when I did use OLD I found it full of losers and users, so many of no fixed address or just want sex, you have trawl through a lot, it’s takes a lot of effort going through endless chats and disappointing dates, you need lots of perseverance.

You're right, but some people just don't want to be alone rather than want the right relationship which is why many end up with tossers.

Having the freedom of being able to choose whether you want to be in a relationship, or be single, is an immensely privileged position.

Many people are forced into being single and not having children because of health issues or life circumstances.

@shuggles I had déjà vu reading that and realised you'd cut and pasted your two month old post.

I am in my 50's now and will never date again. When I got divorced in my early 40's, I did start dating again after a year or two. I am not suggesting my experience is representative of all dating at mid-life, but it has put me off for life. Boyfriend 1 was a pathological liar who pretended to be financially independent. Turned out he was verging on bankruptcy, and embroiled in a horrible legal fight with his ex-wife over child custody and the mortgage on former family home. He was a teacher by profession and used to talk to me sometimes like one of his pupils in detention. Glad it didn't work out as he seemed keen to blend families for financial reasons. Boyfriend 2 was looking for a nanny for his child, and a wallet to fund his life as his self employment was very hit or miss. He used to come to my house and head to the fridge to feed himself. Always forgot his wallet in the pub and had no shame about anyone paying as long as it wasn't him. He started picking up breakfast items out of the kitchen in the morning on his way to his next job and never paid for dates as was always skint. When I started to become ill (major genetic illness) he suggested that I pay him a wage as my carer, and let him move in rent free. Goodbye cock lodger, I thought and sent him packing. Boyfriend 3 was the straw on the camels back. He failed to have a covid jab while I was having major surgery (repeatedly and covid could have killed me due to cancer treatment). He then said he had gone for the jab, but we had booked a gig and he had to confess he couldn't prove his vaccination history to the venue organisers. He lied about being single in social media in the hope of attracting someone else. He lied about his job situation (inflated his position), and bought a holiday for us when I was well enough to travel only to confess he couldn't afford to pay on the payment deadline day and asking me to pay for it instead. He promised to pay me back, but never did. I dumped him as could see no future. He later messaged me to say he was disappointed about how it turned out because I was in remission/ recovery (after previously being told I was terminal). He said if I had been dying then he would have accepted he had to find someone else who was like me, and could offer him a future, but now I was getting better it felt like he had lost out and he had no closure...I was like WHAT??? is wrong with you. I've had 16 surgeries in 5 years and so much treatment, dealt with disability arising from these health troubles and all you can think about was what you lost out on. Post-menopause, I would much prefer a custard slice and a cup of tea to another man any day of the week. It just isn't worth the time and effort investing myself in the world of dating when most men worth having are already married or in relationships.

I didn't copy and paste anything.

My last post on this thread was over 1 year ago.

@SandStormNorm Sorry to hear that you were unwell. I am glad you are still around after all of the heavy treatment you have had to go through.

dating in 40s….
assume anyone you are dating or involved with is also dating and involved with others unless you both specifically identify your relationship as exclusive.

you can still conceive 44-46 yrs old.

do not disclose any financial information of any kind… even in the man appears to be a high earner and you feel he is not after your money or not likely to be put off by your debt.

try to meet “in the wild” via hobbies work activities with your kids. It may seem so impossible but it’s not. Do the things you enjoy and you may meet someone doing these same things. It worked for me.

With that toxic attitude, please don't bother wasting a good man's time.

Just stay single.

I’m 35. Been single 7 years- I have dated on and off but now longer bother.

The most important thing to remember is that the dating pool of decent men is absolutely tiny. Going into it with an idea that you will instantly click with someone amazing will set you up for disappointment time and time again (not saying this is your mindset). But you do need to be aware are a lot of the single men out there are the type you would cross the street to avoid, and very strict filtering is needed.

And you’re very likely not a good man, so you don’t have to worry 🫶

What?

I see that now. I just saw the date (August) but didn't check the year. The post is almost identical though. Looks like cut and paste with a sentence taken out.

Standard of men!

Couldn't agree more with this. I am a bit older but started dating after divorce purely for fun, not expecting to meet anyone; met my dp after a few months and have now been together for 4 years! However, having a relationship was never the be all and end all, and I waited a couple of years after the divorce to start OLD.

Don't rush into anything and don't pin all your hopes on meeting someone would be my advice

An interesting thread, I’m 52 male and have been dating online for 7ish years on and off post divorce after a long marriage. I’m solvent, professional and have a modicum of emotional intelligence. I’ve had a few short relationships (age range 38-45) and maybe 30-40 first dates over the years.

If I’m honest, I think both men and women place unrealistic expectations on each other on OLD. Maybe because ‘there is always someone potentially better’ out there.

After 7 years, I’ve decided to step away from OLD as it’s not good for my emotional health. My focus will be to just enjoy time with my kids, my career and pursuing hobbies and interests; maybe I’ll meet someone, maybe I won’t. But life must go on.

Plenty of us good men left. I was a confirmed, happy singleton until I met my wife when I was 40. I didn't look back. We were married when I was 47 in 2014, and we've been happy ever since. It's not doom and gloom out there despite what the curmudgeons on here say.

Edited to say that we met the old fashioned way, in a pub. None of this online malarkey for us.

From a sociological perspective, the ‘searching for someone’ better thing is literally how it’s meant to work. It’s built into the app design itself - people are encouraged to make micro decisions instantly (left or right swipe) and it’s obviously all based off an instant judgment on appearance. There is very much an instilled mindset of ‘my perfect match is just one swipe away) absolute bollocks, but nobody ever said it needs to be logical. Plus apps act as data harvesters… more time on the app equals more data, along with the opportunity to push premium features. In this light, dating apps are a con. Ofc, people do form connections via them, but their role in society is not to act as matchmaker. I’ll end this here as I’m aware literally nobody asked 🤣

I posted on this thread over a year ago, and met my current boyfriend on it a month or two later.

We’re both in our 50’s. He’s a gold-standard bloke- and there are not many of them around - he’s intelligent (academically, emotionally) and has empathy (high on my essentials list!) with a good circle of friends, interests & his career is sorted.

Prior to that, I found OLD a bit of a mixed bag, from sleazy liars, to married men, the famous “ENM/Poly” types, to genuine guys who were a bit lonely.

I’d also tried speed dating, singles nights & Facebook dating.

I think it gets harder as you get older.

This is my experience as well. I really enjoyed it tbh, met my lovely DP disappointingly early really but he was so good, ticked all of my boxes, so couldn't pass him by.

I am a 44 year old man, just out of a 20 year + relationship because she cheated, it was a loving relationship but more of a companionship towards the end, and it hurt so bad that the last thing I wanted to do was date.

Eventually I dusted myself off, and tried online dating for the first time ever, i spoke to a few nice ladies, dated one of the most socially aukward women I've ever met, and was about to give up after about a month, when a 46 year old lady who had been single for a very long time messaged me back.

We spoke for hours on the first night, completely losing track of time, and then we spoke for a few weeks every single day, eventually meeting and falling deeply in love. Don't give up. Not every man wants to treat you like an object. There are a few of us romantic respectful, independant types out there.

It's so nice to meet someone you connect with on every level, it truly has been one of the most special experiences of my life, the peace we feel together is truly profound, and if you want my advice, be completely yourself from day one, no games no show boating, and that way when you meet it's seamless.

Share plenty of photos and tell them what you want from life and a partner, you literally have nothing to lose.

Great advice, matches my experience exactly 💯

I am so bloody happy with my man, he's everything I have ever wanted. We are each other's perfect match ❤️

@cocopopone I dated on and off from 35 to 50. I would say you need to probably shelve ideas of "the one" and be a bit more realistic about what dating is likely to look like as a mother with children, who will probably be meeting another adult with children.

I have a view, after my long experience, that the good men mostly stay married and the ones that come back on the market have usually been dumped by their wives or partners for damn good reasons. Clearly there are exceptions that disprove that theory, but my experience has led me to believe it is largely the case.

That said dating can be fun and if you approach it from a place of contentment within yourself, i.e. you are not looking for another human to "complete" you, or save you from loneliness, boredom or whatever else people tend to think another human can save them from, then you may well enjoy meeting new people, having some sex and possibly finding a new partner.

Good luck!

It was fine (ok late 40s). Widowed at 48, met dp at 51. He’s lovely. But I don’t believe in ‘the one’.

I thought of OLD as just like the huge awful clubs I sometimes went to in the late 80s. Many people in there you wouldn’t even want to have a conversation with. Some would be fine for a chat. A few for a date. One or two you might be interested in more.